I am the youngest of 3 children and caring for my elderly mother with dementia, arthritis and other issues. I have always been the closest to my mother, the most responsible and independent. I basically looked at my siblings and decided what I did NOT want to be. I am by no means perfect but I am a good daughter who saw my mom sacrifice and struggle growing up. When I was too young to work I would do her hair, makeup, etc. whatever I could to make her feel special and know that I loved and appreciated her.
Once I got older, started working and earning a good salary, I wanted to buy her the things she never bought for herself and do things for her she never did for herself- jewelry, nice clothes, plays, etc. I never missed a birthday, Mother's day, Valentine's Day or Christmas. Instead of my sister (the oldest) being happy that I am doing nice things for my mother she would always try to find something negative to say. I bought her a nice watch for one birthday and at the celebration she says "I don't have money to buy fancy, expensive watches but I do things from my heart!" insinuating that my gifts are not from "MY" heart. This is the same person that tells you what she wants for Christmas months in advance, can't keep a job, took care of a crackhead and put him before her family for years, asked to "borrow" money from me that she NEVER paid back (owes me thousands), showed up at my job unannounced asking for money when I was a young single mother (and never paid it back), screamed my mother down many times for not giving her $5.00.
I was the one who always stuck up for my mother, helped her financially, surprised her when she was feeling down, etc. So it only makes since that I am the one caring for her at this stage (and living 15 minutes away). I have MS, experiencing terrible hot flashes, working full time, trying to move, maintaining 2 households. I don't cry and complain all the time.. I just do what I have to do. Yet, she implies that there is some ulterior motive or benefit for me, or out of guilt. The ONLY benefit is knowing that mom is safe, healthy and alive. She is the one that has always disrespected her, screamed at her all the time, lied, was disobedient, blaming mom for her mistakes, etc. She should feel guilty.
I disassociated myself from my toxic sister, who I suspect is a sociopath. I am an optimistic person, don't like to argue or explain myself to people. I don't have time and my plate is full. She can't keep a job, all of her men get strung out on drugs, credit is bad, etc.. calls and complains ALL THE TIME to my mother... She gossips about her "friends" who are living their best lives. When mom says she does NOT want to hear it several times, she gets mad and mom hangs up. It seems like she deliberately tries to stress mom out and cause her to deteriorate faster.
She never cared about her safety and health when she was in her 60s and 70s. I was ALWAYS there! Now my sister pretends to care and wants to be her caregiver (PAID caregiver). I feel my siblings think there is some type of big insurance policy or payment involved. They are SADLY mistaken.. I hope mom lives 10 -20 more years, but there is just enough to bury her.. I will be the one to have to contribute out of my savings/401k.
I get paid for NOTHING... Her smile and joy is payment enough.
My sister is mad that I do not talk to her and has turned people/family member against me who have NO idea what is going on.. They ONLY hear the sociopath's side and it hurts. I have no time or desire to defend myself to ignoramuses who love gossip.
Who else is dealing with toxic siblings?
I hope u do not loan money to ur sister anymore. I know MS is an expensive desease. My cousin suffered from it.
If you have acknowledged that your siblings are a problem for you then limiting time spent with them is the best way of dealing with it in my opinion. Don't even waste time lamenting their lack of support. It doesn't make things better.......in fact all that does is cause you more strife. I finally learned this for myself. Lowered my expectations, don't expect anything from them anymore. Getting through Christmas which is usually the only time I need to spend any time with them is a challenge but that is getting easier too cause I stay within my own personal peace.
Keep doing what you are willing and able to do for your mom, but also make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Get some hired help to take some of the burden off you. No matter what the level of her needs, the daily grind can definitely burn anyone out.
You may need to seek the help of a mental health profession. We can sympathize, but I doubt there is much we can do here but give you our sympathy and our best wishes going forward, and as you can see, you are not alone.