I am bombarded by constant questions and requests...How do you explain things?

Hugs from me. The answers given here are superb. The 7 years I had with my mum when she was bedridden was very precious to me. Lots of Heart wrenching moments as I watched her body shrunk n fell prey to sickness but lots of endearing moments too. I did all that, redirecting conversations, pretend to take her back to our 'old home' by wheeling her round the neighbourhood, took her out to get some sun n afternoon teas , acting as clowns to get a smile from her. So over look the sad n may be irritating moments, focus on loving them, enjoying them n making them comfortable, delight them with simple surprises. Such memories will stay with u for life... God bless you.

September607;

As you noted in your first response, no, explaining gets you nowhere (other than frustrated!) I wish my younger brother was as quick as you to figure this out! Despite relating to him how this works, he continues to try to explain and answer mom's questions and asking to go back to her condo. Round and round in circles they go!!! Dude - why do you waste your breath on this? She is never going to accept what you say about why she cannot go back and she won't remember that she asked or what you answered, so you'll be doing it during the entire visit! When I saw the signs of dementia coming on, I started researching and learning what I could so as to be "ready" and share with my brothers - it still is a constant learning process (at least it is for me!)

For your specific questions, several others have made suggestions. Some of your questions are similar to questions we have gotten, so here's how I would handle them:

*How do you explain that they have no $ left
Do NOT discuss finances, at least not at this level. If they ask about how much the place costs or how much is left, simple answers (and fibs) can often suffice, such as "Don't worry about the cost, insurance (or VA or some other entity) pays for it" and "Oh don't worry about your finances, it is still there, I take good care of it for you!" Then change the subject or find an activity.

*How do you tell them you are having to sell the home?
See last answer - they do NOT need to know about it. If they ask about the house, you are taking care of it. Getting it painted or doing little repairs, it'll be ready soon! Ready for what they do not need to know!

*what do you say when they come to your house for Easter dinner and they see some of their furniture?
Others made suggestion of covering it with a tablecloth or moving it to another room they won't go in. I agree with those who say bring them to dinner for special occasions, so long as it does not cause any upset or anxiety. Once it becomes too distressing or difficult, then arrange to have the meals in-house at the facility. We have done Thanksgiving and Christmas with her (my place is off limits due to stairs and ongoing repairs/upgrades, older brother is not local, younger brother - cannot speak for him!) I also brought party plates, napkins, cups and cake, ice cream, flowers, etc, dropped them off for the staff to set up while we took her to lunch and then had a little surprise birthday party with other residents and staff!

"That you knew your mother would never want out of the family, so you brought it home." - I would avoid this, it brings up questions. If you cannot hide the item(s), use explanations like you are having the room painted, so you brought it here to protect it.

*How do you tell them they are in the nursing home forever, and will not return home (they have it in their head that it is only for 2 years, bc they read the initial diagnosis and at the bottom it said, "re-evaluate in 2 years".
Two ways to handle this, and telling them it is forever is NEVER one of them!
1) keep redirecting it to the doctor, as in "we're still waiting for the results", or
"after your next appointment they will discuss this again."
2) "Gee mom/dad, it has only been 6 months, the doctor said to reevaluate in
2 years! It isn't time yet!"
In both cases you are deflecting the reason for the stay to the doc. This can take some of the heat off of you. Some say this gives false hope; I say hope is hope. They can keep that hope alive. It gives them something to look forward to or to work towards (for those who need to work on physical issues anyway.) Every time you try to tell them it is forever, you take that hope away. Since they will forget, you take it away over and over. That means hurting them each time the subject comes up! Time tends to be vague for people with dementia, so they really, at some point, have no idea when two years has passed.

"I am bombarded by constant questions and requests..." - Yes, they all do this, some MUCH more than others. Having a duo probably makes it harder on you, but this is where deflecting and redirecting can sometimes work. Fluff the answer. Try to anticipate what they want and come up with a fib, something that will satisfy the query, not upset anyone and put it to rest...for the moment. Then try to change the subject. Getting the focus onto something else often works, an activity, another topic, whatever works, at least for a while. Once you get good at this, it is like the Leave it to Beaver dad-type at the table reading the paper and mumbling responses to the mother's statements and questions. I, like others, had a hard time adjusting to this because I prefer telling truths, but these "fibs" or "little white lies" are used to shield both them and you, they are not used to be hurtful. You know it is coming, shields up!

"I had to turn off their cell phones bc of the constant calling of friends and family, who have requested that they quit calling them. *they are free to call me anytime from the nurses station."
My younger brother was all for setting up TV and phone. I delayed, mainly thinking that 1) TV might keep her in her own room instead of mingling with others and joining in activities and 2) even if she could remember the phone numbers, I certainly did not want the barrage of calls I knew would come - she called me mostly when she was still in her condo, multiple times for the same issue. Being in the new place, I anticipated more calls to get her out! She can and has had them call me from the staff phone until I suggested they pretend to call me, pretend to leave a message and tell her I did not answer and they left a message. Tell her I will call back later. It has worked! It took a few times to get them to do this consistently, but I have not gotten a call from her in many months. If she was calling to chat or discuss something, fine, but it was always "I'm at the hospital, I'm not sick or anything, I just need a ride home." My response was usually that it is too late tonight, perhaps in the morning. Oh, okay. Same thing when recently she started asking about getting a ride to her mother's (gone 40 years) or asking about her. She's fine. I'm sure she is ready for Christmas. Too late tonight and it's not on my way home, maybe tomorrow... There's that glimmer of hope, rather than upsetting her that mom is long gone and you won't be going there... there's always tomorrow!!! So far (1 year+) it has always been "Oh, okay."

SueC1957 summed it up in one sentence: "Instead of them joining your reality, you now have to join theirs." It can sometimes be a strange reality, but it is what they think it is and we have to fumble our way around in it!

I was in the same situation. My 17 year old son shared an aha moment. He said “mom, turn the question around to him.” My dad asks where stuff came from or why is he in assisted living. We then say “why do you think you are here”. He tells us about his falls, he forgets things, etc. it doesn’t always work, but it does sometimes.

Once my mom developed dementia I never, ever talked to her realistically about finances. If she knew what she was paying for in home care and then assisted living she would have blown a gasket. It would have been very mean. She was a penny pincher her whole life and would not have been able to accept it! I just took care of all finances and told her fibs about money. for instance, i told her that her insurance was paying for assisted living when we moved her there. She accepted that. I told her fibs about everything until she would finally move on to next topic. At assisted living she was very upset all her pots and pans were gone. I told her they were in a box at my house and I would bring them to her soon. She finally stopped asking. It is true, you get used to it and you will hopefully learn new ways to enjoy being with them. It is just completely different, and unfortunately always will be.

Make a white board and write the following: (fill in the proper #'s as mine are examples only)
Cost of facility=$20,000, money left in savings account $20,000
Even so, a person with an ill brain will not be able to calculate something even as simple as that. However, at least it shows to them that you've tried.

I vote with eating Easter at their facility. When my friend put her husband in a lock down facility and she wanted to take him out for dinner, the staff told her not to take him within a couple of miles of his home. What will you do if after the visit, they won't get back in the car? Or if you get them in the car, they won't get out? I mean screaming, temper tantrum, arms flailing won't get in or out? Make life easier on yourself and eat there.

YES Sue C ! "Instead of them joining your reality, you now have to join theirs. "
Thank you!

Sept.,
The hardest thing isn't trying to explain things to them, it's trying to understand their disease. We are treating them (and expecting the same behavior from them) as we always have. It took me many months to realize my mother won't ever be back. 

I thought if I said it enough times or explained it differently, she would "snap back". Nope, that part is gone for good. 😢 I had to learn a new way to communicate with her (see suggestions above).

Instead of them joining your reality, you now have to join theirs.

At this point you should be doing a lot of reading on dementia (especially whatever type they have-Alzheimer's, vascular, Parkinson's, etc.) to familiarize yourself with common behaviors and the next stages.

How do you answer them? With whatever works. You will get the hang of therapeutic fibs, stalling, redirection and the like. It feels strange to treat our parents this way but they can no longer cope with reality. The main goal is to keep them calm and happy. Their brains are broken and they can not understand like they used to. Give them what they can work with that won't overload their limited capacity.

I'm sorry for you and your folks. It's a hard transition but one that has to be made.
This stage will give way to another level with other confusing behaviors and actions. 

It's best to be informed and supported. That's why we're all here.

I am so sorry. I feel your pain. We are dealing with this too and feel as if everything we do is wrong. Recently we hid the fact that moms furniture was being stored, and her house being sold. She was having bad days and we didn't want to add to that. When we finally told her she almost seemed relieved that the job wasn't up to her. She looks forward to leaving AL and getting an apartment. I don't know that it will ever happen.

I’m adding my vote for holidays at the facility- providing they do a decent job at making the meal and the environment festive.

In the last few years when my moms dementia had ratcheted up, I spent the holiday meal with my mom at her facility. I worried that once mom sat down at my place it would have taken dynamite- or an ugly scene with the men in the white coats to get her out.

I agree with re-directing the conversation. It seems to work much better than trying to explain something over and over. So difficult for caregivers, we try to keep up positive talk and than have a good cry when we are alone. Only those going thru this or have been thru this seem to understand.

I agree with everyone with one exception. If Mom and Dad are at the point where they are so terribly confused and delusional, I would caution against taking them out of the facility. I tried this one time with my mom at Thanksgiving. Afterwards, she became so stressed out she had an anxiety attack. As soon as she said “Chest hurts” to the nursing staff, she was 911-ed to the ER. It was an experience I wouldn’t care to repeat. I know it was from bringing her out.

You are being too hard on yourself. Do as much research as you can, especially on this site, regarding the stages and symptoms of dementia and how to deal with them. Most of us here are experts at the Theraputic Fib. You just can’t explain reality to people with dementia, especially those who have progressed to the point of needing to be in a locked unit. You also can not justify their delusions and hallucinations to yourself. Explaining to them about finances, furniture, etc. and having them comprehend what you’re saying is comparable to speaking French to someone who only  understands English. Don’t blame yourself for pulling their phones either. I did with my mom. The role reversals between parent and child are a very unfortunate part of this awful disease, but one that must be accepted.

Good responses above. I'd also add that I would have a set list of responses in mind. Some things just work for most situations. I'd often say, "I've made that request and it's in the mail. I'm waiting on the paperwork. The accountant is working on it. We are in the middle of getting all that taken care of. It's all been resolved and the paperwork is on it's way. " Of course, she would forget what I said and I've have to go over it again sometimes a few minutes later, but, it satisfied her for the moment, and sometimes, all we can do is make them happy just for that short time.

Also, she might not remember the furniture, but, can you put a tablecloth over it, when she visits? Or, you could say you are storing some items while the floors were being  cleaned.

I agree with the above. The only thing I would add is if you think the furniture might upset her you could always put it out of sight for a year? In a year things can change dramatically and or she might not recognize it. I would bring them home forEaster if you can. Just try and enjoy them while you have them here. I wish I had spent more time just "being" and enjoying with my mom who passed a month ago. The time worrying about EVERYTHING as I did when mom was in an assisted living with dementia, it goes quicker than you think. My advice is to hide the furniture and enjoy the holiday with your mom and dad. Plan simple activities that they enjoy. Let her help you cook if she can. Trust me, you will appreciate the memories you make with them in their "new normal". Hugs!

I usually turned the conversation to something visual such a remarking about a beautiful vase placed near her or a painting on the wall - or I’d take mom for a walk around her neighborhood.

My mother just passed away of the effects of vascular dementia. As she was slipping away more each day, she would demand to make dinner, go “upstairs” to see my dad, and ask questions repeatedly - especially during the dreaded sun downing period. I found it best and most effective to remind myself that what mom needed most was a calm, comforting and safe environment. The “truth” doesn’t matter as it mainly frustrates all parties. The questions will be repeated regardless of the answers you offer. I kept kissing mom on the forehead, telling her I like bed her and that everything would work out - and then I changed the subject!

I sit with mom and do "reports," lol, what's going on with this or that family member, what I did that day, report on the pets. If she asks about dad, I say he's getting ready for work or he's working in the yard. One of mom's nurses is great. If mom is especially agitated and demands her car keys, this nurse will jangle the keys in her pocket, get them out and hand them to mom for a minute, take them back, hug mom and tell her she's the keeper of all the car keys and is watching out for everybody. I heard her tell another dementia resident that she would take her "home" after her shift is over. You learn to go with the flow as much as possible.

Redirect redirect redirect! My Mom used to ask me if I had seen her mother etc (she had been dead 30 years). I always said something like she was tired and resting. Then change the subject. My mother often thought her nursing home was a hotel. The simpler the conversation the better, food, weather, etc. Bring something with you to distract, I brought a picture (not too many), a catalog and asked her to help me pick an outfit, flowers, etc. Best wishes.

Your all right, explaining gets us and them no where (except I get frustrated). My husband was again tonight by my dad, "has my dr sent the letter reversing my diagnosis?" Ummm...what? And no. Bc that is not possible. He's always so hopeful, we hate to have tell him no...
I may look into the Easter meal at the facility, thank you for that idea!

I agree with FF. No amount of explaining will help. It will be forgotten and the question asked again. I explained nothing to my Mom. I did what I had to do. We always explained to Mom that she was now in a nice apartment. A place where there were people she could talk to and activities. Home can be anywhere their mind is. Usually not the last house they owned.

Sept, if both parents have Alzheimer's/Dementia, it is extremely difficult to explain complex things, such as selling a house or that they have used up their savings. If you are Power of Attorney then just do what you have to do for their best interest.

As for Easter dinner, when my Dad was in Memory Care, the facility had a fantastic Easter dinner, much better than what I could have done, so I made reservations for myself so I could eat with Dad.