My father was never mean or abusive but never really matured enough to take an interest or provide for his three children. After our parents divorced when we were in our teens, my father rarely communicated with us. About five years ago my brother rescued him from living alone in a run-down apt in another city, and brought him to a subsidized apt in my brother's beautiful town. Now my dad is 90 and his small retirement does not cover his expenses. My older brother and I have to provide a lot of financial support to pay for his group home and personal expenses. I had long ago expected nothing from my dad but now it feels painful to give up my hard-earned money to a parent who did so little for me. Younger brother refuses to give him money or time. I love my dad because he gave me life, but I don't like him for who he became. Now he is bored and lonely and calls me every week to talk--which I graciously do. Older brother lives nearby my dad and takes on the vast majority of his extra needs--of which I am very grateful (because I wouldn't want to do it!). I visit four times a year to help out and send money monthly. My dad has no idea how we all feel, and is not capable of honest self-assessment. I would like to feel less resentful.
The only other way to view it was mentioned by a few - you have to live with yourself and your decisions. It doesn't sound like you would like yourself if you pulled away and stopped helping. Your value system is important and if you were to turn your back on those values, you might have repercussions.
I do know how it feels from a different perspective. When getting divorced, my atty told me to hide whatever money I could. I *could not* do that, as it didn't seem right to me and I have to wake up to myself and look at myself in the mirror. This is despite NOT getting financial support before and after we split up AND having him try to paint me as an abusive mom. Most of the savings we did have came from my paycheck and my hard work to save it. On the day I handed him a check, he didn't take it right away and stated he thought there was more than that. I almost ripped up the check!!! Also, without going into the details about his behavior and treatment of us, when my son, about age 10, stated that he hated his dad because I did, I HAD to correct him! I told him that 1) I didn't hate his dad, I only hated some of the things he would do and 2) I didn't want him to form opinions based on what someone else might think or believe!
Anyway, stay true to yourself and your values. Hopefully you and your brother can find some help for your mom and your dad. If nothing else, know that this won't last forever.
Now he’s on oxygen 24/7, and somehow I’ve ended up paying for his cellphone service for the last ten or twelve years. I also pay all expenses to visit him about once a year. I figure he has less than five years left, and I’ve taken up the slack for this long, so I might as well see him through until the end of his life.
Yes, I’m resentful and angry, but I would feel worse if I stopped paying and visiting. My mother died last year from complications of Alzheimer’s; she wasn’t Mom of the year by anyone’s stretch of the imagination. I took over her affairs and saw her through to the end . That’s just what I chose to do; I’m proud of myself for taking care of my parents when they really didn’t want me to exist in the first place, and treated me like a throw-away nuisance. My parents both have told me separately that I was a mistake, and they didn’t want to be parents. Well, I think they’re both lucky that they did have me; I stuck around for both of them when they had no one else.
Like you, I would feel worse to know that my dad would suffer, and/or that my brother would have to pick up the financial slack, which would cause serious harm to his family. The intention of my question was to find a way to feel good, or less angry and resentful about supporting my dad's care. A few people could read between the lines, as you did, and for that I am grateful. Some even provided very kind and inspirational words--so be sure to read thru all the responses because it would apply to you too!
All the best to you! You learned some very valuable lessons in life and no one can take that away from you.
For all my life my uncle hated me - long story short, his mother was a better mother to me in her older age than she could have possibly been to her children. (She was 16 when she got married and gave birth the first time.)
When it came time for him to die, I decided what kind of person I wanted to be. I spent every night in the hospital with him after working and going to school every day for six weeks. Fortunately I had a good support system and my best friend did my laundry - I fed his pets at his apartment, quickly showered and started another day. It wasn't so much about taking care of him as it was about the person I wanted to be able to look in the mirror every day and respect. He was a very unpleasant man toward many people, but I accepted it as part of who I wanted to be and what I could live with myself doing after he passed.
It has been quite a few years now, and I am still proud of what I did to maintain my own view of myself. Yes, it was incredibly difficult and I did what his own children should have done but they lived out of state. He had lived close to them, but they never spoke with him so he moved here.
I look back at that time and am glad I did what I did, if only so I could look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty.
Please decide the kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.
When I posed this question I was looking for inspiration, and spiritual or moral motivation. My brother and I continue to seek government financial support. In the meantime, we still have to provide for my dad and I am not as "evolved" as you are, but I am getting there. I agree with everything you said. It's still hard though to communicate with my dad and pretend that I am happy to speak with him and continue to send money when it's too late for him to learn any lessons or see the error in his past behavior.
Thanks again.
Whatever you decide, you want to feel good about it.
Maybe help him find a solution as you extricate yourself from a situation you do not want to be in. And if he is not cooperative, you just need to give him notice and do what it is you want to do.
Anyway please consider yourself and what is best for your family.
In the end the only person you have to answer to is you. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and live with yourself for what you are doing or not doing then that is enough. Some people don't have it in them to be parents. I tell people now "Sometimes all your parents do is teach you how not to be." That was true with my dad and true with yours as well. I am glad you have some sibling support in your brother.
I look back now and have peace. I wish that for you as well.
and did not judge or punish Him.
He is as mean as he ever was. He spits pills out at the nurses and gets combative with them. At least now I know, that he is mean not only to me and my sibling but to the rest of the world.
i wouldn’t feel obligated if I were you to pay for your father, but I admire you and your brother for providing for him. But I don’t condemn your other brother for not helping him at all. I’ve been there and I can empathize with you and your brothers.
The way I have made peace with this is that I had to change my way of thinking. My helping her is not really for her. My financial support is securing my future peace of mind. I know myself well enough to know that if I abandoned her to be homeless and helpless I would feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I didn’t help when I could help. I don’t have to provide her with the best life has to offer and cater to her every whim. I just need to help her survive in a clean and safe environment. She can’t afford assisted living and she is not infirm enough to need a nursing home that would be paid by Medicaid.
So don’t see it as doing it for him. See it as an investment in YOUR future peace of mind. When he is gone, you and your brothers will know you did what you could to help him even if he didn’t entirely deserve it.
I wish that who you are, what you are doing, brought you more peace than it does, for it SHOULD. It's too late to say "You weren't there for me and now I abandon you". I think YOU are the one who couldn't live with it.
Basically can't tell you how much I admire you. And I wish only that you have PEACE from it. Because that's what you deserve, if ever anyone did. Hugs to your BIG brother and for the youngest, my deepest sympathy. Wish he could help a bit, if not for DAD, then for YOU and your other bro.
When dad calls, tell him that you resented that he was not there for you.
My parents divorced when I was very young and my father also chose not to be part of my life. My mother had to move heaven and hell just to get minimal child support from him and he avoided spending time with me. Now he tries to initiate contact with me and I suspect it is for the same reason as your dad—he realizes he needs someone to take care of him now that he is elderly. I have no guilt at all about ignoring him. I have plenty on my plate taking care of my mom (she is in memory care and her dementia has convinced her that I abuse and steal from her, so she hates me now) and he is in his own. He didn’t want the responsibility of having a child, so he doesn’t get to reap the benefits of having one either.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I believe that “religion” meant for the father and mother to actually BE a father and mother, and provide for and support and nurture their children, not just shrug off all responsibility then show up later and reap the benefits. I can’t imagine that even the most repressive religion meant that parents are free to shirk their legal and moral duty toward their children but still be honored for...what? Just breeding?
I do like the post by Countrymouse - if the financial drain is too much for you and/or your brother, you should seek help. Initial consult with Elder Care attys are usually free (have all your questions ready before the visit!) They can guide and/or suggest options. If it isn't a huge drain, then it speaks volumes of you (and one brother) and your values! It might lead to some resentment when it curtails your ability to enjoy life, and it likely burns a bit that he didn't bother with you when growing up, but that's in the past.
If you can afford it (albeit it means giving up something yourself) and there are no options available, this may just be something you have to live with (as for YB, you likely can't make him chip in. that comes from the heart and basically you can't change other people, only how you perceive and deal with them.)
I would suggest you seek EC attorney, probably best to use one in the state mom and dad live in (I know this was about dad, but your profile indicates your brother is caring for your mother too.) You can locate some there using:
https://www.naela.org
Locate some in their area and call to ask questions about free consult, whether they handle Medicaid applications or VA benefits, etc. No point in wasting time, even with a free consult, if they don't cover the issues you have! If any of you have POA, that will help managing finances, etc and hopefully you have medical waivers too. If not, the EC attorney *might* be able to help, if the dementia hasn't progressed too far. It may require getting guardianship (EC atty and court costs for this are not cheap!)
The only way to make peace with this is either to limit your help to an amount you can feel good about, or to view it as a gift you are giving older brother, to keep him from bearing the whole load himself. If that doesn't work for you, then you need to rethink the whole idea of providing help except maybe in a dire emergency. JMO.
That’s to the point!
With your brothers’ (yep both of them) find out exactly what your father is entitled to under state and federal aged care and hit them up for the lot. Ask your father about his life. Is he entitled to any services from Veterans Affairs. Does he have super or pension money sitting somewhere untouched. One of you will have to get financial and health POA This will lessen financial burden. Where he ends up ask about visiting services by local church groups and such and arrange for someone to visit.
I'm also going to assume that the financial sacrifices you are making now will not put your own security at risk. If that isn't so, then none of this applies and you and older brother both need to think again.
But based on those assumptions, and that you just want to feel better about doing this: how you behave in general towards other people is not about what they deserve, it's about what you are like.
So in this case, your fulfilment of what you see as a duty towards your father (his care) and your older brother (meaningful support for him) shows what you are like. You are a person who acts on a responsibility when you have decided to accept it, and does so with appropriate boundaries.
Your father may not have matured, but you most certainly did. You should be proud.
Caifornia's version of Medicaid is called MediCal.
You are not responsible for your parents' lack of planning.
I know that sounds mean/cold/cruel. But it's the truth.