How do you get an elderly man to practice basic hygiene? He will not wash his hands, etc.

I have the same problem. Yesterday, and most other days my partner poops his pants. He refused to wear Depends. So, I ask for his help. I tell him, in an adult voice, that I have a problem and I need his help to solve it. I ask him to help me by letting me wash his hands with hot water and soap. At first he resisted, but now, since he feels that he's helping me..he is willing to wash his hands. Over the last month I have asked for his help with many things; Brushing his teeth, taking a shower and changing his clothes. I hope it works for you....I know...poop is gross, but I know that if the tables were turned he would do the same for me. One day I may very well be in his shoes. Stay strong. Care for yourself.

@needhelpwithmom A lot of it with him is, I guess that when he was younger you didn't really wash every day I don't think. (He had a tub in front of the fire when he was a kid). So he sees nothing wrong with it.

And hes got an awful attitude sometimes of "well its just me living here so why does it matter".

His cleaner is his cousins daughter (he does pay her) . I feel sorry for the poor woman who has to clean this. Even now his toilet is not great.

Us blokes not such an issue for obvious reasons but I really can't let my daughter use the toilet.

Oh I could tell you some things about my Dad and his cleanliness. Always his excuse is "well its just me living here so it doesn't matter".

He pees in cups rather than go upstairs (got a stair lift) to the bathroom. Eww. Never have a cup of tea at Dads! His toilet honestly, is like the world worst public bathroom - he knows its not right but doesn't care.

I've got a 5 year old so its difficult to "avoid the toilet". I told him it was unsafe for me to bring her. His answer "Don't bring her then". So I stopped visiting for a month - he now agreed to get a cleaner. Constantly trying to cancel her to save money though.

Also he went 3 months once without washing. He couldnt get into the bath so I got a grant sorted for converted shower. It cost £1000s but he had to contribute £200 which he didn't want to do. (He has enough saved to pay for probably 500 showers like this).

So to save money he decided he didn't need a shower or bath, he had a quick wash at the kitchen sink. The stink was almost unbearable and I told him so. Didn't give a monkeys.....

Only agreed to have shower done when a friend told him £200 was a "good price" for a shower. God forbid he listen to me.

Of course I agree with the need to wash hands but might suggest that caregivers use gloves like the nurses do when caring for their loved ones.
Also on the issue of a bar of soap I don't think this is the most hygienic tool either. I bet a lot of germ procreate on that delicious smalling bathroom staple.
Warm presoaped wipes seem the best idea. Just lie in wait outside the bathroom door armed with your wipes and gloves and pounce. once that task is finished keep your gloves on and wipe down everything in the bathroom he may have touched.
At mealtimes be ready with the soapy wipes before food is put in front of him. He won't like it but you may feel a little better.

Handwashing prevents lots of issues!

I thought about buying a foot spa for my mom to soften her nails. They can get difficult to cut. I wonder if he would soak his hands in the nice warm water. Has anyone ever tried it as a hand massage?

This is a very serious issue.....I contracted an infection called C.Diff from my MIL. It took a whole year for me to recover and it left me with a sensitive stomach now for 2 years. People with compromised immune systems can die from it.
I am a germaphobe and am constantly wiping things down with sanitizer...it’s exhausting.

The rules of your house are to maintain cleanliness. If he doesn't want to abide by these rules, he should apply for Medicaid.

My Mom did the same thing. I bought Norwex hand towel it has antibacterial in the cloth. If she didn’t use soap I at least knew when she dried them it disinfected her hands.

You all are nicer than I would be. This is a major health hazard for everyone in the house. He either follows the rules of the house, or I would find some place else for him to be, and I would make that clear to him.

Yes, my mother had a similar problem. She would want to handle the bowel. You will have to continue to remind him to use soap, supervise , and try to lay your emotions aside and not be offended by his words or reprimands. If he us not able to care for himself and there is no one to care for him in his home your best option may be some kind of facility. My mother went to a small board and care. It was close to my home and I went there everyday to check on her. You must think of yourself and how you can stay strong and healthy for him and your own family.

I have the same problem with my brother. He has horrific wounds on his legs that he is constantly picking (going on 5 years). He will not leave dressings on them. As soon as the nurse turns her back he is ripping them off. Everything has been tried aside from putting him in a coma!! Needless to say, it is a blood bath when he gets going with the scratching. I am talking puddles of blood on the floor with splats. Part of his "hygiene" at the NH is to keep his nails trimmed so it discourages bleeding. I am not 100% sure, but I think the staff is letting him rot in his room. He constantly has blood all over his hands and packed under his LONG nails.
I have been trying to do a "SPA" day at least once a week with him. Soak his hands in soapy warm water, then I have him use a nail brush to get that crud out. He is capable of clipping his own nails with supervision - so he does this for me. I then file his nails and buff them. It doesn't last long, but at least my visits aren't looking at his hands. It seems like a losing battle. I am using all my strength to understand his dementia and behavior issues. My brother used to be meticulous with his hygiene. I can't do Spa Days every visit - but why can't one of the aids do this with him? Am I asking too much? What they did was put a big container of wipes that are for furniture - not skin. I think the staff is discusted with his behavior and kind of back away and do as little as possible for him. He is also in a wheel chair. The bathroom, outside his room, is not handicap assessable and he has no sink in his room. So, even if he wanted to wash his hands he can't. He doesn't remember to wash them after going to the bathroom either... I understand that dementia patients do not like water at all. Showers used to be a problem, but now that is his main activity.
Thank you for listening to my venting... I know I haven't helped with your problem other than trying a spa day.
Thank you for listening to my venting.

My mother grosses me out so bad that I don't even want her touching me. I'm already ocd about germs and public places, not to the point of wearing gloves and a mask, but very conscious of touching door handles, etc. I've been caring for Mother going on two years and she almost never washes her hands, or brushes her teeth. And she doesn't use the cleansing wipes between bath days. I used to have her set the table for supper, but that ended after watching her wet her fingertips and calling it good. When I call supper is ready and everyone to wash up, she lies and says she already did. On the rare occasion that she washes a dish, I rewash it because she just runs it under water, careful not to get her hands wet. If she handles any food that is not individually wrapped it goes in the trash -- lunch meat, chips, etc. Just last night I had a glass of water with a straw and she took a sip, I guess thinking it was soda-- trash. When I hug her good night, if she touches my hand, I am grossed out. I hate that I feel this way about my mother, but it's just really gross.
She has some difficulty with shot term memory, but I've been caring for her long enough to know this is just being lazy. She brought me up better than that!
There are many different and good suggestions here for this particular situation that I will be sure to implement.

Gees, this could potentially so be me into the future. ALthough I know my dad uses soap (and pray my mother with dementia does), he does not believe he has any germs, and they both BLECH eat ice cream out of the same container. But after 70 years nearly of marriage they have yet to kill one another with that! It's too bad he can't get into the nursing home his friend is at...and even if he could...the same problem with handwashing could continue. Although if she were to say something maybe that would motivate him! I wonder if this is one of those times that arranging for outside help might work...and he might listen. Good luck with it all.

Our client used to do that too, and he never cleaned his hands. It was totally gross and you’re right it gets on other things.

So, what we did is we gave him wipees or a soapy cloth for his hands ( do what works for your set up) and don’t say a word - just give him the tools. he can look and care for himself, and then take it away when he’s done. don’t say anything. Less is best. That helps preserve their dignity.

We also got into the habit, at the end of the day, of wiping down with Lysol wipes the things that we knew he would touch during the day to keep germs to a minimum.

Eventually We started taking over wiping him. And we’d have to keep all tissue paper paper out of reach or he would do it. He did not care for it, but fortunately he was not a yeller. I am so sorry about that. Both he and his wife had a period what I called “getting over the hump” of realizing they needed more care with their loss of independence. It wasn’t easy. it takes a while but they eventually get there. they can see for themselves.
Lots and lots of love!

He could be tired from the trip to the bathroom. Trade out the sanitizer for diaper wipes. In fact those disposable moistened toilet paper things might help him keep his hands cleaner to begin with.

The next time he tells you that you treat him like a baby, tell him to stop acting like one! Washing your hands always involves soap. As an adult he should know that. Regardless if he has dementia he actually knows better: he just chooses not to do better. As for his lady friend I'd tell him that he'll have to get over it as no one can afford to put him in the community she lives in. Plus, he might meet someone else that he likes in a NH he can afford.

Abf, you got a lot of stories for support! You’re looking for ideas. I guess you were right there, are you usually? I’d try getting right at the sink at the time, squirt soap in your own hands and quickly wash his with yours, say yours needed doing too? Say you really like that soap, anytime you can you want to enjoy that smell, it’s a nice part of washing hands. I get yelled at a lot too, the main thing I can think of is to ‘do’ whenever you can instead of talk/make a lesson out of it. Good luck. :)

I am in same boat. I just go behind him and disinfect what he touches. Says he used soap but in 3 years I have never had to refill his soap. If he gets a piece of bread the whole loaf turns black in a day. I throw out ANY food he touches. Sooo stressful. I have cameras to see what was touched while I'm gone. It's a lot of extra work for sure. If you find anything that works let me know.

If my dad doesn't do it, I ignore him and wash his hands, face, etc and basically put up with whatever he says.

Same with wiping around his privates after a brief change (buying a wipe warmer really helped with his complaining around that!)

Fecal matter should NOT get spread around!

Get him a nail brush. Helps my mom scrub under nails better.

With my FIL, hygiene was simply not on his radar. As long as his pompadour looked good, he was fine. Showers? Maybe couple a month. He just wasn't raised that way, and 42 years with an anal retentive germaphobe didn't leave a mark on him. ( ex-wife)

He also had fecal incontinence fairly frequently, and to add to the yuck of that, he insisted on wearing thong style underpants. Some memories are just too gross to even contemplate---I could NOT get DH on board with talking to him about BASIC hygiene...so he didn't.

He did NOT have dementia. So talking to him--was possible, everyone just tippy toed around the elephant in the room.

I was CG for him at this point in his life, he was slowly dying from Leukemia and I know he was tired and sick--but a LOT of the gut issues were from simply not being clean.

Finally, I had a sit down with him. It was humiliating for both of us. But he did start wearing underpants (not depends, but just full briefs, which helped with cleanup). I also told him he would shower 3 times a week and if he didn't shower himself I would climb in the shower with him. I'd actually CHECK to see if he'd showered--not that sneaky 'turn on the water and then off again'. I'd LOOK behind his ears and check his arms and legs. He allowed me to put CHUX under the seat of recliner and a blanket on top of those. I showed him how to wash his hands--at age 79 he really had no idea how to "surgeon scrub"--and I kept his nails short and clean. Gut issues settled down a bit.

"Dirtied pants" were double washed in super hot water and 2 rinses. A lot were simply thrown away, I wasn't up to scraping dried poop off his old khakis. All old thong style undies were thrown away, but he'd just buy more. (sigh).

Dad just reverted to being a kid when he got so sick. Even tho my MIL was a complete nutjob as far as cleanliness (throw rugs on every inch of carpet, cleans the house before the maid comes---you know the kind)--and I think he had been bossed for so many years that living alone, he simply reverted to being the messy, wild kid he'd once been.

I still had 2 kids at home, and I was also caring for my dying father at the same time I was taking care of FIL. I couldn't bring germs from one house to another--FIL simply had to meet basic standards of clean or I'd get crazy on him. (In a nice way).

Cleaning all the surfaces you can helps--my mom cannot clean anything. SO the light switches, handles, knobs, faucets--etc are all crusted with guck. She doesn't notice me cleaning and she would make me stop if she did know.

I think a lot has to do with the fact she cannot stand w/o her walker and so anything requiring "hands free" is impossible.

Also, she "thinks" my neice is her maid--and she pays her for cleaning and watering the plants. Guess what I am doing today? replacing all the dead plants. They haven't been watered in a year, at least. Mother cannot SEE them, as she is so bent over, her world of vision is everything below 4'.

Oh, how I wish I had free rein in that apartment with my sister for 2 days. It would be life changing.

Funny, my mother's mother ALWAYS had a maid. She didn't care for housework and had zero problem with getting help in. BTW, my 40 yo daughter has a maid. As does my 40 yo DIL. It's something of a status thing for them. I say good for them!

Sorry, went off topic. Just--basic cleanliness is often the first sign of mental slippage. A friend came to church couple of weeks ago with her mascara all over her face and her dress on backwards. Also had obviously let her manicure "go"--her always gorgeous nails were a chewed up mess.

I absolutely disagree with everyone saying ignore it. He had feces on his hands, this is dangerous to him and everyone that comes in contact with everything he touches.

I would just put liquid soap in his hands and help him wash them, if he yelled about being treated like a baby, I would say only a baby plays in sh*t then doesn't wash there hands. If you don't act like a baby you won't be treated like one.

His son is probably right,if you can't toilet yourself properly it is asking an awful lot to ask of someone. It's not like changing a baby diaper in the least. Non-compliance and inconsistent are really hard to care for at home.

You have every right to feel done with caregiving. It doesn't mean you stop loving and advocating for his wellbeing, it means you go back to being his ?family member?.

Maybe instead of telling him about the soap if it annoys him is just to squirt some soap directly onto his hands. He won’t feel like he’s being treated like a child and you get to see him use soap. Might work or might not.

I know my mom sometimes becomes annoyed at me when I remind her of things. At first it bothered me until I realized that I too sometimes become annoyed at her for reminding me of things. Kind of built into our human nature and all of us have to check ourselves at times, like when we are stressed, not feeling well or overly tired.

I adored my grandmother and when I saw her knees were wearing out and she had trouble doing chores such as sweeping and mopping I offered to help. I thought she would readily accept my offer. She was a lovely woman but very independent and said back to me, “Do you think I can’t do my work?” I told her that I knew she could but I wanted to help. She wouldn’t hear of it. I knew grandma needed help so I waited until she left the room and then went to her and told her I accidentally spilled something and needed to mop it up. I casually mentioned I was going to mop up my spill. Then I quickly mopped the whole kitchen. She went for it!

You might have to get to a little creative. Good luck. I am a germaphobe too!

Good luck with that. Just be thankful that he's at least washing his hands without soap. Grandma won't even do that most of the time. If she washes her hands and uses soap, that's a mark the calendar day. At least I've gotten her to use hand sanitizer. It's taken years but she's pretty good about that.

It's just not the elderly with that problem. Being a germaphobe, it disgusts me how many people don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Just note what people do when you go to a public restroom. There's always some that go straight from a number 2 to out the door. Many people will just rinse briefly with water. Very few wash their hands properly. Oh how I miss Japan in that regard where everyone washes their hands properly.

abf1202, ah hand "washing" using just water sounds very familiar. I first noticed my elderly Mom do that when we went out and she needed to use the restroom. And every time after. I didn't say anything because being in her 90's she isn't going to change her ways. Luckily she figured out the automatic sinks and automatic paper dispenser [had to show her numerous times that you wave your hand in front of it to get the paper towels]. There are times I can't figure out how to get soap out of the new fangled dispensers :P

My sig other, who doesn't have any memory issues, when using his bathroom upstairs would go downstairs to use the kitchen sink, bypassing two bathroom sinks on the way. Like, what's up with that? One time I snarly said "might as well remove those sinks since they rarely get used".

Abf, those us who are or who have cared for a parent find ourselves in the parent/child dynamics, especially if we live with the parent or the parent with us. The parent still feels they are the adult, and we are still the "child" and what do we know... [sigh]. It is best to turn a blind eye to the situation. Growing old isn't easy and is so very frustrating for the elder going through it. And the same for us seeing our parents get older.

I think elders are more apt to listen to a caregiver who is in uniform then to us.