The most embarrassing question ever! My mom has dementia & we recently moved her & Dad to an independent senior living for extra care & family support a month ago. She has been asking & wanting sexual intimacy with my 82-yr-old Dad. (They haven’t done that in at least 20 yrs according to Dad) He is organically impotent & frustrated my mom is suddenly having desire for him! Apparently they tried & she feels rejected & upset with him because he couldn’t perform. They have been married for 59 yrs… I was thrown off that he even shared this private info with me & told him to try EXTRA kisses, holding hands, & compliments throughout the day. His response was “I think that might get me into more trouble!” Lol! Any suggestions for my Dad? Appreciate the feedback to my awkward question!
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.
I have been married to my husband for over 56 years. We enjoyed an active and satisfying physical relationship for 55 of those years. When my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his constant sexual advances made me ill, I had to distance myself from him physically for me to survive and to continue caring for him. Moving to a separate bedroom from my husband has enabled me to function as a caregiver to my husband.
When I can no longer care for my husband, I am moving him to a Memory Care facility. If he finds a consenting female resident in Memory Care and she and he mutually "comfort" each other, I will be thrilled. But as long as I am cognitively competent, it isn't going to be me.
I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???
It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.
There are some things it is nice not to know...
But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.
It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.
As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.
For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.
For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.
I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!
What makes this not "normal human sex" if 2 humans are having sex? If one has dementia? You seem to classify dementia patients as some sort of sub human species, based on your heartless comments plastered all over this forum.
Sherry, are you planning to forgive yet another masterpiece of a comment? 🤐
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.
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