My sister has been on disability for 20 years because of a rare blood disease and has lived with my parents for all those years. She has one son who lives an hour away. My brother lives in the same town. I live 2 hours away and am not in good health. Over the years my parents have gotten meaner and meaner. First it was just with each other. Now it seems like my sister, who lives with them, has caught the brunt of it and she is about to lose her mind. She has tried to be a peace keeper, the voice of reason, a good daughter. My mother I believe is addicted to Tramadol because of fibromyalgia and possibly the beginnings of dementia, etc. My father had a stroke 4 years ago and is even more controlling and aggressively angry than before. No physical violence. Just an atmosphere of withheld apologies. I visited last week and it all hit the fan. The entire 5 of us were at dinner and my mother was handing a knife to my father and he was concentrating on opening the plastic on a pie. She screamed in her most hateful voice 'Take the knife'. I felt like I'd been jolted by electricity and said 'Wow Mom!'. Nothing more was said. They acted like it had never happened. That's how they roll. I couldn't wait to get home. After I left the next day my dad yelled at the top of his lungs at my sister sitting right beside him in the truck about something so trivial its not worth mentioning. There is an air of constant building contention in the house and my sister and I just wait for the next volcano to erupt. My poor sister is losing her mind. I'm not there to take the load off. My brother is little to no help. I've had 2 serious sit downs with them in the last 5 years and nothing changes. My sister is stuck there. I hate to watch my parents live out their last years in contention. Neither of them has any patience and refuse to go to counseling. Any help any of you could give as to how my sister can find a place of peace and stay out of their way would be appreciated. I've told her she needs to create her own space with a comfortable chair and a TV but she hasn't. She seems to be kind of co dependent. I think maybe a little scared of mom's bad moods. I'm so grieved. Thank you. Just reading this forum has helped me see we are not alone. They are both close to 80. Separate living is not an option and they are not ready for a nursing home. My sister leaves the house in mom's car and sits in a parking lot and calls me and just cries and cries. I feel helpless. What do you do about a house filled with rage??
And I think you are right about the co-dependency dynamic, if she is unwilling to create her own space. Would she consider some therapy?
From your brief description, it sounds like both of your parents may have dementia. It might be useful to have them each evaluated, just to help you know what you are dealing with. Would they cooperate with a "checkup for insurance purposes"?
It is your sister I feel most terrible for. Could you and/or her son and/or your brother give her some respite by bringing her into your homes for a weekend now and then? Encouraging her to get counseling would also be helpful. And it might help all five of you if a medical evaluation of your parents would help you understand what you are dealing with.
Your sister. She needs to establish her own home; but if she's been rooted in your parents' household for twenty years, and she is significantly disabled, there's no pretending that it's going to be easy or simple for her to pack up and move. She needs an experienced, capable advocate and adviser - does she have a key worker or social worker of her own? Could you help her find one?
You're right. My parents do need to be evaluated for dementia, etc. But my dad will not admit he has any health problems at all. Very frustrating.
My sister has to get her blood checked 3 times a week and is tethered to the lab in her home town because if her body has destroyed her immune system she has to get a neupogen shot to force her bone marrow to produce components of the white blood cell that her body eats up. It's complicated. So she can't leave home and come stay with me.
Yes my sister is getting counseling but the parents won't go. It's really like they aren't thinking straight. And I feel helpless.
Your comments are all valid.
I appreciate your response.
Thanks for your response.