How do you talk to your LO with dementia?

It is very often difficult to have a "real" discussion with someone who has dementia, esp beyond the very early stages. The repetition can become overwhelming if you let it. That was the first real clue I had to realize mom was headed down this road (in retrospect, there were some obscure clues that were not recognized, but they were so minimal that combined with lack of knowledge about dementia, they were missed!)

First you need to understand that the repetition is common and you just have to "go with the flow." I sometimes refer to the Leave it to Beaver dad behavior, lots of Uh Huhs and Okays, etc while reading the paper. Just noise to show you are "listening", "acknowledging" and "responding." It might be enough in your case.

The regression in time for them is also common. My mother is living at least about 40+ years ago. When she started asking about her mother (can I drop her off there on my way home, asks about what she's doing for holidays, asks if we see her, asks staff to call her, states she's going to walk to her mother's, etc), I pegged her cognition to be that long ago, as her mother passed about 40 years ago. More recently she mentioned her younger sister and when she stated she must be taking care of "that baby", I knew she meant my cousin's youngest, who is totally disabled, but would also be about 40 now (some baby!)

You really shouldn't try to correct her or convince her that something she thinks or says is wrong. It will only frustrate you and could anger her. Again, go with the flow. It is a dance and you have to let her take the lead! When she "asks me college-related questions about myself and seems agitated and confused when I can’t answer them, and instead talk about my life now.", try to come up with plausible answers that might satisfy her, even if they aren't true. Keep respnses minimal. Clearly she is living in the past, so talking about your life now isn't going to fly.

I also get the "all about her." Again, let her say and think what she wants. Respond with as little as possible, just enough to satisfy her, even if just a grunt!  If she talks over your response, clam up and let her go! It does make the visit difficult and unsatisfying for yourself, but it is what it is. Just be there for her.

Since "Anything she might have learned about me she would criticize anyway...", your response to be "silent, volunteer nothing and be as vague as possible" is the best approach. Clearly she was critical before, and will likely to continue that, so just let it roll off your back. If she wasn't before, we could chalk it up to the dementia, but this is who she was and still is, so try not to let anything critical she says hurt you.

"So now that she actually seems interested in what I have to say, but is 30 years in the past, how do I talk to her?" You move to her reality and try to respond as best you can to that time frame.

My mother was critical in the past and likely still could be, but generally she just repeats stuff. Every time I arrive to visit, my greeting is always "Where'd you come from?" and "What are you doing here?" Sometimes I say Pluto or Venus. I'm here to visit you, do you want me to leave? The bigger problem with her is her hearing is pretty much shot, so it is hard to have ANY kind of discussion, past, present, weird universe, anything. I did get a Boogie Board (LCD writable/erasable tablet) so I can write down my answers or my end of the "discussion", but the repetition can really grind on you! Most recent visit she was stuck on a sale flyer ad with slip on shoes - over and over, I like these, They're only 20$. They only way around that would be to (re)move her from the sale flyer and get her focus onto something else! I liken this to a scratch on a record - over and over until you give it a little nudge past the scratch, only to move onto the next "scratch!"

Hoping you can adjust your "reality" to hers!

I also find it hard to converse with my Mom but it is also compounded that it has many similarities to when she was younger. I have let her know on multiple occasions that certain topics are upsetting to me. She likes to focus on the negative. She was also very quick to wipe my Father from her life after his death. She has a "boyfriend" at the senior facility.

What helps me is that I can accept the person that she is and find humor in the odd conversations we have over and over. I try to stay busy when I am around her and find her things to do either having snacks, walking laps with her walker, looking at reading material. I also have topics that have to do with her everyday needs.

I do feel I am lucky to have this time with her because one day she will be gone and despite the frustration and fatigue I feel, she is my Mother and I know she appreciates that I can make her feel safe and cared for. We have had some battles to get to this point, Despite the dementia she has learned that I have some boundaries and although she bounces up against them when I remind her and she lets go of demands and complaints easier over time.
In the beginning I would have her watch old musicals she already knows to give my self breaks from her negative and repetitive conversations.
I hope you find some peace from your role as caregiver and carve out some you time.

I am going through the same. My mom turned self centered years ago before the dementia. I haven't been able to share much about me and she brings me down anyway. She was very manipulative too. Now it seems she is satisfied with me just visiting her and holding her hand. I wait for her to ask questions. She doesnt know my name and has been talking less and less. She is in a memory care facility.She is 96

Very slowly and repeat. My sister is law is 68. She thinks she is 63. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes we are in same boat...with my mother, I just go along with whatever she’s talking about...for example, she’ll ask me if she has to go to work today...I’ll say, “No, it’s your day off.” She hasn’t worked since 1992 when her place went out of business & then she stayed home to care for my father who was sick. So, you just have to go along with whatever she’s talking about. She won’t remember your answers & will start to ask same question over & over. Hugs 🤗

Im going thru same thing with my mom. I, too, talk less cuz it doesn't matter. If any name comes up, she still judges them by some previous teen mistake 20-30 yrs ago! I moved back to a town where I know very few cuz she wouldnt bend. I don't know advice except fight resentment, don't blame n be harsh. They didn't choose this!

My grandmother will be 81 at the end of March. I'm her oldest grandchild and will be 40 in two weeks. She regularly talks to me like I am in college again, recently graduated, or like I am my youngest cousin who is in college now; she is regularly surprised that she has two great grandchildren. After a lot of practice, I have learned to answer like whoever she thinks she's talking to. I have also had to learn to push past frustrations or hurts down and deal with them independently because she simply does not remember. It's not easy by a long shot, but I have found it to be more helpful and self-preserving than arguing with someone about something that will be forgotten in 30 seconds to a few minutes while I'm left with hurt and unresolved feelings.

One thing that has helped my family is to make a game of giving different answers when she interrupts us or asks the same questions repeatedly. I am simultaneously straight/gay/single/married/childless/an adoptive mother depending on the day or conversation. I'm Schrodinger's granddaughter (lol).

I had similar experiences with my mom when we were both younger, and I realize how hard it is to give, give, and give some more to a narcissistic mother in her time of need. My heart goes out to you, and I send hugs and support to you. My mom was also a bully to my whole family, and finally in my 50's, I recognize the true scope of the harm she inflicted on us all. But I have also come to realize, however, that narcissism is an illness, just as dementia is an illness. These realizations have given me compassion and eased my bitterness, making it easier to give her the love she needs at this time.

I would engage her in the time she is now existing. Revisit the experiences of your college days in your mind, and entertain her with them. The smoother your interactions flow now, the better you both will feel during and afterwards. One trick I use to help myself to be more loving to my mother, is to fantasize that I am caring for someone who is not my mother. I fantasize that she is merely a client. I know that sounds daft, but the deeply rooted conflict is strongly abated, and I feel as though I can "trick" myself into behaving/feeling as an unbiased caregiver should behave/feel -- compassionate and professional at all times. Hang in there. I know too well that it's so hard to rise above everything that you have been through with her. But my ability to consciously "let go" of the past has not only been incredibly beneficial to my mother -- It's also been incredibly beneficial to myself.

Being with her so intimately is bound to dredge up painful memories, so during the times that you don't "let go" successfully, nourish yourself. See a movie, enjoy a fine meal, be in nature, go to a museum, exercise (or whatever activities you enjoy) and probably most importantly -- carve out time to see good friends and/or enjoy quality time with your partner. Stimulation will give a better perspective and ease the depression. Hugs and strength to you!

Seems as though you and Mom may have had issues before the dementia.
Just recently I started reading up on narcissism. My Mother is 83 and sounds a lot like your Mother with the exception of the dementia.
I have come to the realization that my mom is a full blown narcissist!
It explains many things about her and myself.
You have already discovered the "grey rock " method of dealing with her apparently with out knowing it. Read up on that too.
It's worth looking into.
Hang in there!

Just listen!!
Answer the questions
About college.
It will never be about you.
Let her talk.
Get into HER reality now

Sorry that your mom has been self-focused in conversations before her dementia. Dementia won't really change that. Answer her questions about "school" with what your learned and enjoyed from that time in your life. Ask her to share what she remembers from that time period or when she was in school. If the conversations loop back around to the same things, give short answers and try to change to subject.

Im sorry I don’t have any advice to offer you but I’m so thankful I found this site. My 86 years old mother is in her early stage of dementia and I found it so difficult to listen to her repeating herself constantly and whatever I do or say it never good enough for her. I love my mother very much and gave up my 23 years of career to be home full time with her but all I got from her is negativity. Sometimes it’s very hard for me to deal with since I had been in the leadership role for the last 23 years in my career.
By joining this site and reading these wonderful comments/advice help me understand so I can give the best care to my loving mother that she reserved.
I want to say thank you again for all the questions and responses that being posted here. It provides a wonderful advice to the new person like myself 🙏

My mother asks me about going back to school and I don’t really know if she is thinking about college or my earlier years. I just play along and let her take the lead. Sometimes we talk about where she lived as a teenager just to make conversation. When she asks where her children are, all of them are over the age of 50, I say they are at their houses or at work. If she really starts to get aggravated about where her children are and it’s after 8pm I tell her that they are at one of my sisters houses spending the night. I have learned the art of “little white lies” posted on one of the aging websites. It has helped a lot!

I believe the first step is to accept that your Mom has dementia and to not expect what she is not capable of.

What helped me when I first started taking care of my Mom was watching Teepa Snow youtube video's.

I don't talk about myself unless my Mom asks me a question which I answer (short and loving). My Mom does repeat the same stories over and over and I pretend I am hearing them for the first time because I understand her brain is broken. Yes, it takes patience and I do not get frustrated because I'm thankful that my Mom is still with me (she is 94).

Hope this helps a little,
Jenna

I agree with Tiredandweary and Ann Reid about how you really have to speak on their level and in their world. Regardless of how she was before dementia, she can’t change the way she is now. It might help tp practice giving answers that make her comfortable. I made the decision to only speak of things with my LO, who has dementia, that made her happy. She can’t comprehend new news, new ideas, etc, She could not sympathize or process new info anymore, so, it’s basic answers that she can easily digest. She had little focus, so interrupting was common.(She is no longer verbal.) I still talk to her about the old days when she was healthy and we had so much fun. That made her smile. She can’t smile now either:(

Ask yourself what you hope to achieve when you communicate with your mom.

Whatever her life OR her mental set was “BEFORE the cognitive decline”, that is now permanently changed to whatever place her thoughts bring her to in her damaged mental present.

MOST of us who are caregivers for people with progressive cognitive failure deal with this every day and/or in every visit. There is absolutely NO WAY for you to address whatever hurts you suffered in communications with her in her past.

IF YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO, you can discuss whatever emerges on a given day IN HER MENTAL WORLD.

I usually have a little packet of topics in my mind before I arrive for a visit to my LO. Stories about her great grand nieces and nephews, places she frequented as a younger professional, fashion and jewelry, the weather- I can usually comes up with something that amuses and pleases her. I set MY worries and complaints aside. She repeats, complains, asks the same questions numerous times. I could care less.

She and I had our interactive ups and downs when we were both younger, but I’ve let them go, and I love her dearly for the 10 years of care she gave MY GRANDMA, who had dementia, and her kindnesses to others, and her contributions to the poor and underserved when she was well.

So if you can come up with reasons to talk about things that she enjoys talking about, you’ll find it easier. Maybe you’ll even come to FIND it enjoyable. I hope so for both of you!

I say go with the flow. It's the easiest way to deal with it. Make up answers if you have to. You can't reason with someone with dementia or convince them that anything is different from the way they think it is. My mother would say some crazy things at times and I didn't have the energy or mind to keep trying to correct her or tell her how something actually was and it didn't change her mind, regardless. I just went along with the conversation. It was less frustration on my end to do it that way. Basically, the mother you once knew doesn't exist anymore.

I wish I could help you. My mom does not have cognitive decline. There are others who have been through this. Hang tight. You will receive helpful information soon. Best wishes to you and your mom.