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My father-in-law is 93 and is healthy and active. He lives alone now since he recently lost my MIL after 72 years of marriage. This, of course, was very hard on him. Fortunately, my husband comes from a family of 10 and everyone has pitched in to keep Dad engaged and involved. We each take a night for dinner and he either drives over or has dinner at his house with one of his kids.


I know I can't control his decisions or the decisions of the rest of the family but I am so afraid of giving him the virus and would never forgive myself if he got sick after coming here. We've been pretty careful about going out and live in an area where there is only one case locally so far but I know this is just the tip of the iceberg too. We've offered to drop dinner off but I think it would be almost as bad to isolate him. He's a very social person. And he said he'd rather come over like he has for the last several months.


What to do???

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Great podcast specifically addressing this from medical POV : https://www.washingtonpost.com/podcasts/post-reports/feeling-lonely/
if the link gets cut it’s the Washington post April 3rd post reports- and there is a transcript you can read but it’s far better to listen and hear the emotion in these people’s voices...
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Today is March 31, 2020... We shall see what April brings us. On NPR radio, this man set up a "ring.com" for his grandpa, weeks before covid19, just to keep tabs on him to make sure he is safe when he can't get there. Anyway, he found this to be a cool way for safe distancing. He rings his grandpa every morning when he walks out to get his newspaper. Grandpa thinks its strange talking to a doorbell, (kinda sounds like an episode from Get Smart) but he is getting used to talking to a doorbell, as he enjoys being able to talk to his grandson.. :)
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Dad and I are taking it day by day. He is 91 and lives alone. With everyone having nowhere to go, people are calling him a lot more! I generally stay with him Wednesday and Sunday nights. We decided I would skip today's visit, as he has plenty of food and is in good spirits. Ultimately, I let it be his call. If he starts sounding depressed or isolated, I will go over. I am trying to limit contact from other people.

It's very hard because I have spent the past year preventing social isolation.
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My opinion is that you should choose one person to be allowed to visit. Then he won't be lonely and less chance of getting infected. My dad is almost 96. I was getting all worked up about him getting the virus and then I told myself, he lived through WW2 in the trenches, was wounded by shrapnel and has lived with PTSD ever since. He is healthier than most and he sleeps alot. He will survive.
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I don't know what to do about my mother. She is 85, has had two bouts of lung clots with pneumonia and lives in AL. She won't use any form of technology to keep in touch, even finding the phone too much for her usually. The care staff seem to be meeting the basic needs of the residents, but we are of course worried about the long-term results, as she has narcissistic personality traits and is probably depressed already, as she regrets her move to live near us even though we have done/provided almost everything she has needed since she came. My mum is not at all sociable and her heavy dependence on us, often accompanied by complaints and criticism, has really got us down, so although it seems awful to say it, not having to go round there so often is a respite for us. I suppose we could walk past her apartment (top floor, annoyingly)and wave, but it doesn't seem adequate. I suggested asking if she would like an iPad to keep in touch with the family, but my brother laughed the idea away.
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I agree with the answers below that say to VISIT HIM.
Loneliness is way worse for him from lack of human connection.
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Do Not change your routine.... HE WOULD BE SUFFER MORE IF HE DIDN'T COME OVER...
I heard on the news today,,, 1,400 people died over this weekend in Italy? Did I hear that correctly... The caskets were piling up faster than they could lay them in the ground... Crematoriums are running non-stop in Italy, and IN CHINA..

I heard that China cremating so much non stop to try to curb this virus..
I don't honestly know... But I do Know That your FIL needs his family more now no matter the cost... HE WOULD RATHER BE WITH FAMILY THAN ALONE.... Give that to him..
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HE IS 93 YEARS OLD...... Don't get me wrong... but he has a good life.. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY IF HE GETS THIS DISEASE... You also pointed out he has a familly of 10 AND EVERYONE HAS PITCHED IN........... GUESS WHAT? if he GETS THIS VIRUS... YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME.. EACH OF YOU TAKES HIM TO YOUR HOME... SO DON'T THINK YOU ARE GETTING OFF EASILY BY SAYING YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL GUILTY... Make him dinner and know that it is one of many dinners that MAY OR MAY NOT GET HIM THIS VIRUS...I am sure your meals are not deadly... or your family's...
MAKE HIMI DINNER, AND DESERT AND KNOW THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE NOT TO BLAME IF HE KEELS OVER TOMORROW MORNING... It is NOT YOUR FAULT...
If he gets lonely and starves to death, then YES, BLAME YOURSELF...
Life is going to happen. with or without your meals.
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How about meeting him on the patio or driveway with some lawn chairs to have a visit? Keeping your distance could still be accomplished and you'd be able to see how he is doing.
If he can use a computer or cell phone, you could have video chats with him.
If these things won't work and he understands the seriousness of covid19, ask his doctor if a home health person could go to check on him, things to be done at the house. It will be hard for you to get your hands on protective coverings, but if you can - maybe you can work out a visit wearing the right clothing. This is very hard as a caregiver in the home - you have a really tough situation.
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Please be VERY cautious. COVID-19 is ratcheting up every day.
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I don't know if it's warm enough where you live, but I like the suggestion that you meet him at a park. Anywhere outdoors where you can sit far enough apart would be great. Even in your (or his) backyard!
And if it's not warm enough to go out where you live, it will be very soon!
Personally, I wouldn't take the risk of having him over right now. You could also chat on FaceTime or one of the other video apps so he doesn't feel as lonely.
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Wow! My 95 year old Mother is just the opposite, but probably because she has been single for almost 60 years. She is, however, watching too much news and thus obsessing over the perceived danger she is in as a result of her age. But her isolation is not getting to her otherwise, because she is a loner. What a difference from all other responses. She is pretty healthy, lives in a nice home with a deck and yard, and has a dog. I talk to her daily and see her every other day or so, bring her groceries and homemade goodies, make sure she is taking her meds, etc. We have only left her house two times in a month, once to the dog park and once to a winery -- keeping far away from other humans. We ourselves sit far apart, blow kisses hello and goodbye, and share news and events. I realize now that this is kind of a blessing for her being so alone and really only wanting the company of her daughters. Of course I often wish she did have other people in her life....
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Maybe now would be a good time for him to have an extended visit with one of the kids. The rest can try socializing online.
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Personally, I feel most people aren’t comprehending the gravity of the situation- why would 10 people in a room be acceptable? If he gets exposed to the virus statistics show it will not fare well for him. Make sure he has what he needs and leave it by the door.
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For those arguing the possibility of putting others at risk:

-if every family member has appropriately limited exposure they are unlikely to have the virus, (shopped with masks and/or stayed distant, washed their face and hands after returning home and again after putting away groceries).
-if they are unlikely to have the virus, he’s unlikely to catch the virus
-if he’s unlikely to catch it then he cannot pass it

ie The risk you’re worried about isn’t really a risk at all. And the person can visit who they want.
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CaringHasValue Mar 2020
If those they are visiting have not practiced social distancing and started right now, just today:

1) one can safely and immediately visit those who have been careful with social distancing. If they have no symptoms at the week marker they are likely fine.
1B) even if one person is a carrier with no symptoms it’s unlikely the entire family would be carriers, so at the week market they should all be ok to see.

2) He can safely and immediately visit those who are young adults with healthy immune systems and no underlying conditions- as they are highly likely to be fine if they did catch it from him. (Remember that it is his choice to risk himself, so this isn’t about them)

3) IF the people he was to visit are partying spring breakers/vacationers who don’t give a fig about corona, and are highly likely to be infected, he could still probably visit them in a little over a week-(if they started today and had no symptoms)
3B) I’d ask why he’s visiting them at all- just doesnt sound like the sort of person who is saying grandpa come on over.
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If your dad has metabolic syndrome, meaning if he has diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease, he is vulnerable to the virus. If his health is robust despite his age, from my understanding, he apparently is not at high risk.

(Friendly and loving social interaction is good for the immune system.)
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cetude Mar 2020
Old age is an enormous risk and they can go down fast
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I've been meeting my (ex)father-in-law at the dog park. His wife of 65 years passed 2 weeks ago, so now that the funeral is over and the family members have returned home (most out of state and all in state relatives at least 2 hours away) This has been a particularly bad time for the social distancing, I don't want him to be alone, but I want him to understand how important it is for him to stay safe. It's not much but we meet and talk for about an hour on opposite ends of the park bench.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 2020
Very thoughtful and kind of you
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If I were in your shoes, I would let him come over. I would make sure everyone is wearing freshly laundered clothing. I would make sure everyone has washed hands and faces. I would set the table and countertops so everyone could eat a reasonable distance apart given the space.

One of my best friends from college lives on a cul-de-sac. She told me that around 5 pm, the neighbors bring lawn chairs out to their curbs and they socialize from a distance.

I also saw a picture of a nursing home where the residents were sitting in their open doorways playing bingo in the hallway.

We are being asked to practice social distancing, not social isolation. Social isolation is for people who have symptoms or who have returned from travel.
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Great answer, Tothill.
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As a follow-up to my question, my FIL is adhering to this new requirement in New York State: "Governor Cuomo announced 'Matilda's Law' - named for the Governor's mother - to protect New York's most vulnerable populations, including individuals age 70 and older, those with compromised immune systems and those with underlying illnesses. The measure requires this group of New Yorkers to stay home and limit home visitation to immediate family members or close friends in need of emergency assistance. If it is necessary to visit such individuals, the visitor should get prescreened by taking temperature and seeing if person is exhibiting other flu-like symptoms. Both individuals should wear a mask for the duration of the visit."

We live in upstate New York which hasn't been hit as hard as the City so I'm relieved he made this decision for himself. Thank you for all your responses - stay safe and well!
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The problem is two fold, Dad could be spreading Covid-19 among the family as he goes from house to house.

My Mum is the definition of a Social Butterfly, she at almost 86 is rarely at home for a day. She volunteers, goes to Church, works out at the gym, Dragon Boat season was just about to start. She visits "old People" in care facilities and drives them to appointments. She has friends over or goes to friends homes at least 3 nights a week.

She is beside herself, trying to keep busy at home. She still is taking the dog for his walks, she can do that and avoid people. But she loves chatting with other dog walkers as much as the dog loves interacting with other dogs.

For your Dad is there anyway a family member could move in with him for the duration? That way he will have company all the time. The siblings can still drop off meals to him.
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Adding this to my previous answer for further consideration: even though my dad is younger, (60s), he has major health problems and fairly recent prior hospitalizations which I would say put him in the same category- even more high risk- than someone in their 90s.

when I first talked to him I was concerned he was blowing it off, until I pushed and he bluntly laid it out for me. He’d die either from the isolation or later from its lasting effects- and that it was ME who had a problem accepting that. Not him.
He accepts that this may be his end. He doesn’t want to die, but he has a right to live life and take the risks on his terms.
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Countrymouse Mar 2020
Your Dad put it to you well.

Doesn't make it much easier to take, though, does it? Hugs, but well done for hearing him.
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Marthy, an awful lot of people over 80 may be able to dial on a phone but they have terrible trouble with conversations.

And they were lonely to start with. If they are now watching tv and wondering how they are going to manage if they're forgotten about, it will cause real anguish. There *is* a balance to be struck.
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KlynKS Mar 2020
Social isolation is killing my mother... literally. She can't dial the phone and also has trouble with conversation. She's in a nursing home, doors shut, no contact. Plus, she doesn't understand and thinks no one cares. I fear she'll be gone soon.
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'No contact' means 'no contact…..period. No one is 'isolated in these times' as long as they are able to dial a phone. BE SAFE AND KEEP OTHERS SAFE BY TOTALLY STAYING AWAY. MY 92-YR-OLD MOM WANTED TO 'GO ALONG' TO GROCERY STORE WITH HER SISTER BUT 'DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING'…SHE'S 'BORED'. I TOLD HER BEING BORED WAS 'PART OF THIS WHOLE THING', BUT AT THE END OF IT, HOPEFULLY SHE 'WOULD STILL HAVE HER LIFE'. I TOLD HER TO STAY HOME AND ANYONE BRINGING THINGS TO HER SHOULD LEAVE THEM AT HER DOOR'. PERIOD.
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CaringHasValue Mar 2020
people in older gen aren’t necessarily used to expressing their emotion and explaining their feelings to their kids. It’s the moment you look at your child and answer because I said so- it may just be easier to say she bored than admit she’s feeling desperately alone, depressed, and vulnerable - to her *child*

much as we like to think of ourselves as adults and tend to be in the habit of treating our parents like children- the reality is they will always treat us a bit like kids. The boss doesn’t have to admit or even face their own emotional breakdown because a subordinate asks ‘why’.

Your mom May be different. I’ve worked with seniors a long time and what I’ve described exists in the vast majority -
Id go so far as to say it’s the rule and if your mom is different, then she is the exception.
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Let him decide. He’s 93, he’s earned that right. He’s earned a say in how he lives, who he sees, and how he dies. For my father, who is much younger, I had a similar conversation. He was straightforward with me- he would die without staying social. He would spend his days largely in bed/asleep in a chair, his days would largely run one into the other, and with the reality that you can only call/interact so much over FaceTime or other virtual products, he would be left with many hours to fill- and only thoughts of loneliness and depression in supply. If left alone he would die.
Even if lockdown ended quickly, he explained, and he survived that time- the damage of being in isolation would linger physically, mentally, and emotionally; he does not believe he would recover.

Now- if it was your FIL, would you forgive yourself for ignoring his wishes, for his mental anguish as he spends his last days, weeks, or months alone, for his death during that time or soon afterwards- potentially never recovering from the time you chose to isolate him?

For some, isolation is an illness far worse than covid19, and just as likely - if not more so- to result in death.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 2020
Definitely true for my father, he fears loneliness far more than Coronavirus. There’s a balance to be struck in this for sure
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At that age he shouldn't be driving in my opinion.
Could you take him dinner and visit through a window or screen door? Visit on the phone, if gee has a computer, there's Skype etc.
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Yes we bought my parents a Grandpad! It’s great getting the family connected with video chat and photos. They all need to be invited and download the GRANDPAD app. One caregiver is the administrative leader. You need to have the right internet speed. Even though I’ve trained my parents (with dementia) several times they forget each time. Or don’t hear it ringing because TV on too loud!! Not sure on their own if they are enjoying the music and the games. It’s a great device!!
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Call your local health authority or Board of Health for guidance or your father's MD. I'd think the suggestions about the grandpad thing are good, but you also might want to limit it to just a few family members who are also practicing isolation/distancing. Every time any of us goes out though...we could be potentially picking it up because we don't know where others we are near have been and there are not necessarily any symptoms showing for days...So practice the precautions suggested like handwashing and disinfecting for all, maintain the distance...check out the video by Mel Brooks and his son....short sweet and to the point...I live under the same roof as my elder parents..and actually felt it was my 102 year old father putting mom and me at risk by volunteering at Meals On Wheels where he has over 25 years...so he stopped even though his role had limited contacts...at least for now. I am isolating/distancing, but I'm going out sporadically...today to pick up Rx supply for them, a few groceries. PO. Getting take out for a friend's birthday I will drop at her door. Then hope not to go out for a week or so.
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I can understand why he wants to come over. The problem is what is the rest of the family, including the younger ones, doing when not having dinner with Grandpa. He is essentially having dinner with all of the people that all of the family come in contact during the day. Extreme measures might be called for. This include washing food, and food packaging when it is brought into the house. Changing clothes that are worn outside immediately and cleaning shoes or leaving them outside. Yes, I know it is extreme but if everyone who lives in house is not practicing social distancing and good hygiene, then no one is. And you still might not keep him safe from virus. And if he is going out on his own, you don't mention if he is still driving, to stores, he might be picking it up on his own. He could get it anywhere and sadly, this is taking away from his enjoyment of his family. So maybe just be as careful as possible and talk to rest of family and insure they are all taking it seriously.
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I think for someone that age it means not being in the same room.
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