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Is this not worth grieving?
What kind of person would not weep about this?
Is this not heart-breaking?
Is this not loss?
Is this not trauma ongoing?
Please allow yourself tears, and allow them from your loved one. There are many things you can no longer be to one another, but you can be a support in what is one of the saddest losses anyone can endure.
You didn't create this and cannot ever fix it and you cannot turn this into "happy-all-the-time".
I am so very sorry.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer
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MidwestOT Jun 21, 2024
I would give this response one hundred stars if I could.
(1)
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You have to be strong and know this is the best for them and you. Do not feel guilty for admitting you can't do it all. Its like taking a child to the first day of daycare. The best thing you can do is give them a hug and kiss saying "I'll be back later" and leave. Letting the teacher take over. You may want to stay awayva day or so allowing ur LO to "settle in" and getting used to staff. When u do visit, do not make it too long.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It's okay to cry about it. There's no shame in that. You had to put your husband in memory care. That's pretty sad and certainly worthy of grieving over.

I think all that can be done now is just enjoy good moments with him if there are any because they are a win so take every one that comes.

I hope you have a good support system of loving friends and family who you can lean on and bring you comfort.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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One should do what one needs to do. In some cases - for the family it is easier to leave their loved one behind. For others it is potentially one of the most painful things they can possibly ever do.

If you need to cry, if you need to grieve - then that is what you need to do. It is very hard sometimes to accept that someone you love is beyond your ability to help. It's ok to cry.

Just like its also ok for people to not cry or feel remorse for the decision when it is the right one. People feel things differently. They process things differently.

I'll tell you something that you may think is terrible. My FIL was not a nice man. He was abusive (truly) and mean; and my DH and SIL ended up becoming caregivers because he refused to have any other plan. He would do nothing to help himself or keep himself in the healthiest state that he could. Early on they told him - if you get to a certain point we will not be able to keep you home. He didn't believe them. And he got to that point.

The day he was moved to the SNF from the rehab facility - he wasn't even able to get in a car. We had to hire a transport company to move him to his new home. And we met them up there. We moved all of his stuff in, met the staff, helped him fill out paperwork - we were there for HOURS.

When we said our goodbyes and left - we went straight to the car - the 4 of us - DH, myself, SIL and her DH. And once we were all safely in the car - everyone started laughing and joking around, letting out whoops of joy, thanking God it was done, and we celebrated by going out to dinner.

That would sound HORRIBLE to anyone who didn't walk in our shoes. But we felt relief. That he was in a safe place, with 24/7 care, but also relief that we were all free to actually resume our lives and pay attention to our families and spouses fully again. His care consumed us all - and he was the most ungrateful, verbally abusive patient.

There is no wrong way to react to having to move a family member to a memory care or SNF. It is ok to be happy or sad. You feel what you feel.

Look at it this way - now you can visit and be more relaxed knowing he is safe. but it's perfectly normal to grieve.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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