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My Father has been at the Alf for 3 weeks now and is miserable. All he does is call me and complain. He won’t leave his room except to eat, and goes to bed at 4 pm. I’ve talked to the ED and activity director. They have tried to get him involved and he refuses. They’ve sent several residents to his room to visit and encourage him to participate in activities but he has no interest. Any advice?

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Yes. My advice is to take one call a day from dad and no more. Ask him to tell you ONE thing he's grateful for in his life. Good luck with that. He's safe, being cared for in a luxe AL facility no doubt, yet licking his wounds because he has an audience to listen to him. AL, in reality, is like adult day camp, with lots of activities and little outings on the mini bus, meals and snacks served, card games going on, music, etc. Not to mention lots of elders to complain to that aren't YOU! He can make friends and sit around complaining about the horrrrrrible food and the small portions and his lousy good-for-nothing children and carve out a nice (for him) life for himself. Or, he can pretend he's living in hell's kitchen where everything is a gruesome nightmare. As long as he's got you to listen, he's golden.

My mother used to complain to me constantly about her AL. But every time I saw her, she was laughing or eating with a table full of ladies or drinking wine or dancing......etc. In other words, she was saving her histrionics for ME while enjoying her lifestyle quite a bit. So I cut down the phone chats to a minimum and I was much better off w/o hearing all that toxic negativity!

We all have a choice in life whether to be happy or miserable. Each is a choice. That dad chooses misery is not your worry.
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You won't like this reply. It has taken my brother about 10 months to adjust to AL. It has been interrupted many times by falls that included trips to the hospital and then physical rehab at other facilities. He actually has PD that will be life ending. We have switched him to Hospice Care. No more physical therapy.

Only recently has he finally agreed, most days, to go to the dining room for meals. His dementia has not progressed to the point where he doesn't know what's going on. He is aware... too much so. He becomes bored and plans his "escape" or his next fall. If he hits his head, it is policy to take him to the ER. It's a change of scenery, in his way of thinking. At some level, he plans to fall. Other times, it just happens.

It's total trauma for me when he goes to the ER because I fear him being given the wrong meds or fear that he won't receive all of his PD medicine which should be on a rigid schedule. All of this has happened more than once. It's a well founded worry.

He even managed to sneak out of the building once...

All of that to say, I can see that now, 10 months later, he is more adapted. It's been a long time coming, but some of the dust is settling.

On Hospice he gets 3 nurse and 3 aid visits a week. I have hired someone to visit him 2 or 3 times a week. (I'm in another State.) The woman I hired is also willing to do "emergency" pizza runs and accompany him to out of facility doctor visits.

His dexterity is lacking because of the PD, so he cannot text, does not always answer the phone, cannot turn down the darn TV volume when I call.

I'm adjusting and so is he. It will never look like you want it to look, but he will adjust - sometimes in surprising ways. You will also adjust. It's hard. Hang in there!
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Do you visit him? If so has he told you why he is unhappy? My husband's Aunt was placed in AL by his cousin that lived nearby her. She too hated it. When we visited her after she had been there a few months, she expressed her loneliness. I understood, The cousin didn't make sure she had her address/phone book to call her bank, investment person, etc. She didn't partake in any of the activities after my encouraging her. She finally went down for meals IF she could find someone to ride in the elevator with her. The cousin only visited a few times a month. Of course the cousin had already gotten the aunt to put her on her bank account, on her investments and took over her medical POA as well as gave her full durable POA. Grooming in MHO. Auntie was having swallowing problems. I asked the cousin to take her to the doctor. Auntie was the one who refused any testing (swallowing evaluation, etc.) Auntie was so unhappy she lasted about 3 months, got aspiration pneumonia and refused all intervention other than antibiotics.

If he's not that happy at the ALF this may well be what happens. Are you able to visit? Take him out on outings, lunch, ride. Bring in some games and play with him. Perhaps if you let a few of the neighbors know he had games they may be interested in playing some of the games with him. Do keep encouraging him to participate
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waytomisery Jan 31, 2024
@ Drosie ,

Sounds like Auntie was not competent to talk to her bank , investment people . Auntie also did not die because she went to AL or her child was not taking her out to lunch or other outings , or visiting more often .

Auntie died of aspiration because she refused testing and to go on the appropriate food consistency . This is exactly how my step MIL with dementia died . She had testing and still refused to switch to puree foods and thickened liquids . She had aspiration pneumonia many times . She was in the hospital for aspiration pneumonia when she choked and died on a tuna fish sandwich that she demanded her daughter bring her ( because the old woman was unhappy ) .
Auntie sounded like she had dementia . Your view of Aunties situation is only from her demented side of things .

Had auntie gone for testing , had allowed appropriate food , perhaps she would have lived longer and adjusted . Perhaps her child was not visiting often as is often recommended to help her adjust . As far as activities , some are joiners , some are not . Many old people are unhappy simply because they are old .
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If ‘all he does is call me and complain’, of course he isn’t adjusting! He’s saving his list of complaints for the next phone call. He has a mental list that he goes through over and over again. You have to change your part in this, before he will change his. One visit or call a week, and you stop it when and if he complains?
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My daddy hated being in one, however, as soon as he was given a job, a responsibility he would look forward to doing it. Maybe you can talk to the director and he can be assist in setting out the game cards for a game or Mr. Jones needs help getting from his room to the dining room, or the plants need to be watered on Tuesday by you. prayers
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InlandMeg Jan 29, 2024
A job is a GREAT idea!
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My brother, 87, found his own AL place and really loves it. Takes advantage of all the care available - housekeeping, meals, transportation, etc. My sister, 84, was placed in AL by her daughter because she is unable to care for herself and needs more help. She feels lonely and unhappy. They are not together, even in the same state and their financial/physical capabilities are not the same. There are so many variables involved. One doctor estimated it could take as much as two years.
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Most people adjust. Some do not. My dad (87) never did, and my mom's friend (99) never did. He stayed in his room (wouldn't even come out for meals) until he passed away.

However, sad as it may be, perhaps he is where he needs to be to have support and care...? Taking on the care of a loved one is not for everyone, and frankly sometimes is not doable even if you want to do it. You have to be realistic in what you can do to help, both mentally and physically, or they will one day be gone, and you may well have issues that take months, years, or worse.

I know, realistically, that I did all I could for my dad, but I could not give him the full time support he needed towards the end, however, I did what I could. Even so, my heart (emotions) are scarred, and likely will be for life. It may not be logical, but it is what it is.

I do want to add that I just read more of the comments, and have to wonder if other than family visiting, maybe paying someone to visit daily might have helped. When I went through it with my dad, I have to say that is not something that even occurred to me, as I was just mentally overwhelmed, and no one suggested it to me.

Best wishes.
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I suggest tough love.

Limit the number of phone calls you take from him. As long as he knows he can contact you and you will pick up all the time, there is no reason for him to join in anything or change his daily ritual.

Going to bed at 4 pm is a little early as dinner is usually served after that. However, at one of the places my Mom stayed, nearly everyone was fed, bathed and asleep by 6 pm.
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Amanda1996: Imho, three weeks isn't enough time for him to adjust. Maybe he will do better at a three month time frame depending on whether he was pro social before.
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My mom never adjusted. She was shy and an introverted. The last thing she liked was social activity. She enjoyed her own company (and mine). So, it was not an easy transition and one that she was never going to fully adjust to. Her personality was not the type to blossom in that environment. She ate her meals in the room even though we tried so hard to get her to the dining room. She did like one activity and was good at it. I visited every day and took her to the garden outside to see the flowers. But she never embraced it.
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Crazyasaloon Jan 28, 2024
So did she BEG you to take her home?? We are having an issue with my Mother-in-law and memory care. We set up her room really nice and took her over. She was not happy to say the least. Every time we went over she would Cry and want us to take her home. It got to the point we didn’t want to go over. It was SO hard! Let me say, we have taken care of her, in our home, for 9 yrs now. She fell and broke her hip and with the surgery, her Alzheimer’s progressed. It honestly would be much easier on us if she didn’t know us. I really hate to say that but it is so hard seeing her that way. We just can’t continue taking care of her as we both work and have no support. No siblings to help. She really needs someone to watch over her 24/7 and we just can’t do that. Our new approach when we take her back this week is to have a sitter either her during the day. Someone we trust and can’t text anytime. The facility is top notch and came highly recommended.
she was only there for 1 week and home for a week and I know we need to give her several weeks to acclimate so we will stay away for a few weeks since we have someone with her.
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It took my mom about 4 months to adjust. Within the first few weeks there her PCP doubled her antidepressant dose and prescribed a sedative at very low dose to be taken at bedtime. Mom had managed to get herself into being transported by wheelchair (saying that if she was to leave her apt to do anything, she could not walk by herself with her walker, she had to be transported - NOT TRUE!). This from a woman who has taken numerous walks every day of her life. She was anxious and depressed. Even told staff she didn’t know how to use a spoon, etc in order to feed herself.

What worked:
-The sedative helped immediately to calm her high anxiety.
-We visited her 3x a week for several hours going to meals and activities with her and our presence helped her interact with other residents and find a few friends.
-Walking is about the only activity she has ever done without my dad (all by herself) in her life, so we got her back into taking several daily long walks around the AL grounds.
-We filled the walls of her apt with lots of our old and new family pictures, pictures of her wedding, pictures of dad (who has passed), pictures of her parents and siblings, and of dad’s parents. Made it look like home as much as possible.

I hope this helps give you ideas. If you can’t visit and help him engage by going with him, is there a caregiver you can hire to be his buddy and do stuff with him, at least until he adjusts?
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My husband's aunt has been in AL for a good two years and still won't leave her room even for meals. She just sits around watching TV all day and doing nothing, and she seems fine with it.

She was a very outgoing person before, but her social circle was always her four sisters, and they'd get together every week to yak and have lunch. She can't do that now, and the sisters who can get around do visit, but it's not the same.

Her next-younger sister recently started falling and having problems and now she's going to be moving into the same AL. Guess who's all excited and ready to buzz down to her sister's room to hang out all day? (Thank goodness, too, because the sister moving in is a crazy as a bedbug and would NEVER become part of the social fabric of that place.)

It just takes that one person to draw someone out. Sometimes they find them, and sometimes they don't. It's tough to make new friends at any age past school years, and when they're not at their best, it makes it even harder.
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strugglinson Jan 28, 2024
this is a great plan to have the 2 sisters in the same AL!!
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It's complicated. Your father may not be socially minded. You can try a few psych meds to calm him down. When he complains, just be very non-committal, but also don't promise anything. It is what it is. As someone said in the comments, It's like the army. Sometimes we end up where we do not want to be. That is life.
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It took about two months. We did put my mother on an antidepressant (which was something she really needed long before assisted living).
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My mom did so much better when I got her a companion. She felt so alone and stayed in her room. The staff would come and comb her hair to take her to the meals (this was AL) and she was much better with the companionship. She didn’t like the first table she sat at because the lady she sat with was deaf and didn’t talk. She moved to another table and that was wonderful. The other ladies had a leader who made sure everyone was taken care of and was able to tell me when mom was getting more confused. That was when I got her a companion. Same person 3 days a week. She did so well, I went to 7 days a week and covered 2 meals. These ladies moved with mom when she went to MC. I am so grateful for their care and attention and they know my mom’s ways so she is less anxious and content. I have learned from them that mom says “NO” first and then a few minutes later, may say yes. (Just be patient). That showers are successful if you don’t tell mom in advance and get that bathroom warm and have the clothes picked out to quickly get her dressed. She is so dear and her comfort with a regular routine with people who understand her is wonderful for her. Camera’s are important for peace of mind and better care. We have been in a camera place and a no camera place. Will never be in a no camera place again. That no camera rule only benefits the facility and not the resident. Bottom line: a companion is the way to go. I cannot imagine living in a place where I don’t know anyone, they are in various cognitive awareness and I have to learn where I am when I am in the hallway. Craigs list gig is a good resource or ask the facility if there are private caregivers to make a connection. My mother in law has hers from Craigs list and my mom has her from a private caregiver who had a friend.
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My Moms in the same situation. We moved her to AL about a month ago and she is still adjusting. Someone told me here it can take as long a 3 months. While my mom has lived independently and was so used to that, she is beginning now to see the benefits of AL. 2 weeks ago she packed all her little things up and expected to go home. A few days ago, she placed everything back out.

One thing I we have done is we have not given her a phone....yet. As she wanted to call us at all hours. The director of the beautiful facility we have Mom in suggested we not go and visit as much so she can acclimate to her new environment and that constant visit and phone conversations can actually be a setback.

When I first came to this sit seeking advise, I took EVERYTHING to heart that was said to me. These folks are wonderful here, and while I am pretty new to all of this, I will say please don't be hard on yourself for doing this for your Dad. Since being at AL my Mom has not had one fall. She is 94. She has mild dementia and is a former RN herself. She is now getting her meds on a regular basis and is now going to the dining room and beginning to sit with others.

Give it time.....some take much longer than others to adjust, and maybe they never will...but it better than having them where they can't be looked after, Myself, I have MS, so I could not have her stay with us. I was feeling so guilty taking mom out of her home but now the folks on this site have truly helped me adjust as well and I am at peace know ing I have done all I can for Her best interest. I wish you well and send you prayers ;)
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I have heard, give them a minimum of three months to adjust.
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Im going through the same situation with mom. She has dementia as well as other physical conditions. We were unable to take care of her at home. It's heartbreaking. She's in memorycare since July and still asks when she's going home. She is ok some days and down other days. I am at a loss. Good luck to you. I hate to say it doesn't get easier 😕.
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My DH and his sibs are moving their VERY antisocial mother into an ALF next week. Although the facility is lovely and offers MANY activities and outings--we know that MIL is never going to leave her room, except 'maybe' to get her hair done. And her room happens to be in the same area as the beauty shop.

While the ALF will encourage, cajole, entice, bribe her to go to at least ONE meal a day in the common dining room--none of us think that will ever happen.

We could be surprised, but honestly? Just getting her settled in there is going to be really, really hard. I can't see her suddenly wanting to make 'friends' at this stage of the game.

And that's OK. She's going to be there because she needs the care and safety, not to party. A lot of elders simply don't have the desire to meet new people.

(MY mom, on the other hand--would have gotten to know every soul in the place and been in heaven over daily Bingo and Canasta. I'm kind of feeling like we should have moved her to a care center rather than keep her home. Each person is very different.)
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strugglinson Jan 28, 2024
Hi MidKid - I think this is ok. My dad is VERY anti social too. At first they required him to sit with some other residents for meals. He did, and would make some small talk. But now ends up sitting by himself. However, he looks forward to meal times, even though he sits by himself. He likes the routine, and having it be a like a restaurant setting.

He never does any activities etc. However, he likes having hair salon on the premises. So dont worry too much about DH's mother. Play up the things she will like, eg the hair salon being right near here room. If they have newpapers available, puzzles, things that can be solitary activities, play those up too. Maybe she will sit by herself for meals and still go to at least 1 meal a day in dining room?
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i moved my mother into long term care a year ago. She has moderate dementia and didn’t understand why I was packing up the car or where we were going. I had to use every trick in the book to get her there. Once we were there she figured it out and started crying, shouting, fighting, hitting, annd making an huge scene. I was so torn and broken after this I felt sick to my stomach. But I held to the idea that we had to TRY it. We had to be brave enough to try new things and if it didn’t work we’d try something else. I noticed that over time she adjusted to things. She is adjusting to dementia, she’s adjusting to her caregivers. Im adjusting too. No more guilt or sadness and I am starting to have a life again. I visit several times a week and Shes starting to do well and gets better care there than she would at home. Getting old isn’t fun. We want things to stay the same, but we learn to adjust.
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My parents share an apartment in AL. Im usually grateful they have each other, but oftentimes it seems they’d be happier without the other! They make each other crazy and feed off of each others unhappiness. My mantra: I am not responsible for the relationship. I am not responsible for their happiness.
It helps a bit.
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I'm in EXACTLY the same situation with my husband. It's really hard. My sympathies are with you.
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It often takes a long time.
As my brother said to me "It's a bit like being in the Army when I was young, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it" and he did.

The sad fact is that your Dad may NEVER adjust, and may NEVER be solidly happy about this. Since when was life about happiness? Because if your Dad has lived a long time there were times already in his life when he wasn't real happy, but just had to muster through because that's the way of life.

Today the children of elders, who have had long lives, seem to pick up the idea that they are responsible for the happiness of said elder.
I am 81. Age isn't a time of great happiness, believe me. You have to pull happiness out of all of the losses kicking and screaming. It isn't easily found in the mire of loss upon loss, and finally loss of autonomy, loss of mind.
This is now about making the best of it. For him and for you. Or about allowing one to mourn the losses.

Let him make his own way. Give him time. And recognize that it is what it is and may never been the movie, The Best Years of Their Lives.

I am sorry. It's hard to see. But you can't fix it. You didn't create it and you can't fix it. Don't make yourself responsible for it. And let Dad know that he's going to have to adjust his attitude. When that's your response he may stop calling to hear it. Let him know you sympathize, but you can't fix it for him.
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AmThereToo Jan 28, 2024
What an excellent answer. More power to you, AlvaDeer.
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Anything new can be intimidating, frightening. think back to when you started a new job or when you were in school and started in a new class. Or worse...moved to a new school.
Give it more time.
If you think the calls are not necessary let a few go to voice mail particularly if you are in the middle of something or are working. Tell him you can not take calls during "work hours". Or when you go to the movies, out to lunch with friends, at the hairdresser or any other place you can think of.
It takes a bit of time.
And if he has never been a "social butterfly" do not expect him to change.
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waytomisery Jan 24, 2024
This last sentence , so true. Don’t expect one to become a social butterfly who never was. Some are content to be in their rooms.
Some families want to push activities so that they feel better about placing someone in a facility .
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Some in my family are not joiners, they would just sit alone in their room. My mother is an extrovert, she is always out and about having fun.

Truth be told before we placed her (she fought us for 10 years, lived alone in the mtns of NC) she sat and watched game shows for most of the day, she was very depressed.

Being in AL, perked her right up, just having things to do and friends her own age.

She took 1 day to acclimate, some take 6 months or more. One of the keys is to not be their crutch, don't visit several times a week, set a boundary for phone calls, ie don't listen to this complaint over and over again. Once he starts say "Gotta Go".

When I placed both my step-mother (memory care) and my mother (assisted living) the homes were quite clear stay away for several weeks so the person can acclimate to their new home. Is that what you did?

Don't take his complaints too seriously, they all complain about something, mostly the food.

Good Luck
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It took 6 months for my mother and father in law. And some of them never or rarely go to activities. Some go to a lot of activities . Some stay in their rooms a lot . Some sit in the common areas all day .
There are joiners and non joiners.
Is he on an antidepressant ?
In time your Dad may join some things . My mother did. She also sat by the front door part of the day people watching who came and went. My father in law mostly stayed in his room.
You must remember that ultimately his unhappiness is not your fault . You did not give him dementia nor make him old.
Some old people will be unhappy no matter what . Some will continue to complain ( after they have adjusted) out of habit to their families even if they aren’t really that miserable anymore . Some of them complain to family but act totally different in their facility when you aren’t there.
Do not bring him home to live with you . It would be too difficult to get him out again .
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People have told me can take 3-4 months or more
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Transitional times are hard for most people. He will adjust in time.

What has the assisted living facility told you about his behavior? Is he depressed or anxious? Being stubborn?

Do you think that he would benefit from meds so that he could relax more?

I am sorry that you are going through this. I’m sure it’s stressful for you to hear his complaints.

Take Comfort in knowing that he is being cared for.
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