Jaye Asked June 2010
My father had bladder cancer that has spread to his bones. He is very tired, has no appetite and is uncomfortable. Can someone please tell me how long we have?
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My Father had bladder cancer and now it has spread to his bones...He is very tired, has no appetite and he is uncomfortable. could someone (who has gone through this with a loved one) please tell me how long do we have? He tells us he does not feel like there is much time. We are going to the oncologist next week. He is almost 86 and has some other health issues also. My heart is broken, but I do not want him to suffer. My family, bless their hearts are rallying around us... I am trying to stay focused on making him comfortable and peaceful.
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Your oncologist should be able to give you some indication of how long he might have left. Be sure to ask about palliative care - how he can be made comfortable. ASAP, ask that hospice become involved in his care. Decide whether to keep him at home or in a facility like a hospital or hospice center. Hospice nurses and aides will do all they can for your dad and for you. Let them do the physical tending so that you're free to laugh and love your dad - AND EACH OTHER - as well as you can. As the end nears, don't be afraid to touch your dad and get involved in tending to him. Let your instincts guide you and remember that - controlling his pain is a high priority but he needs to feel loved now more than anything. Best of luck to you and to your father. He's lucky to have kids who care so much.
I base this on a couple things, one he is not eating, has no appetite to eat. So soon he will start to lose the potassium, other electrolytes that he needs to keep functioning. The lack of calories and consumption means he will get weak soon. It is the body's way of turning of the lights one-at-a time.
Second, he "knows." My mother also knew when she passed. When they actually "tell" you, it's a strong indication, please take it as a peaceful, in-control time for him and your family. When there is still "fight" in them, they are willing to take pills, get up/down to the toilet, will try to eat. (If he can eat more than the current cakes, then he might pull thru. Otherwise, it may be his way of thanking you for bringing back a bit of the old memories and happiness.)
I hope I'm totally wrong. Some docs, my mother's oncologist for example, never did "call the time" and I was too young to know to be insistent and to get hospice involved. If your dad can still make it to an office visit, I'd go in ASAP, appointment or no appointment. If not, maybe you can get the prognosis from the oncologist (by insisting) or your family practice doc.
SO WHAT if hospice lasts 3 days or 10 weeks, that's how it is supposed to happen. Hopefully, they will be able to then come to the home and give you some support. And most importantly, let you focus your time on your father.
Hoping his time is comfortable, as is your heart, when he can finally rest completely.
I went into the chapel at the hospital and opened the Bible there to the verse, "by His stripes we are healed", and highlighted it with a yellow highlighter. I then asked God to either heal him or take him, which God, in His infinite mercy and wisdom, decided to take Him to Paradise where he is in longer in pain and there isn't a better place my Dad could be.
I will tell you, although you are expecting the end to come, it is not easy, and even 5 years later, it still hurts my heart to know the pain my Dad was in caused by neglectful people who I entrusted to take care of him.
I APPLAUD you for keeping him with you at home, what a WONDERFUL person you are for your time and support you are giving to him during this trying time. And I'm sure he would have given up long ago if that support wasn't there.
As for him not eating, it really could be side affects of meds, and you should check him for bed sores because if he does have one, it could be infected causing him to have a fever. When my Dad started pocketing food, I bought him milkshakes, which he drank them everytime, even though he wouldn't eat. Maybe getting him his favorite milkshake will at least keep him from starving himself.
I hope and pray God grants you and your family the peace and strength they need to get through this, and most of all, God bless your Dad with His perfect peace that only comes from above.
The hospice nurse told us that the cancer victim will decide when he passes as well as whom is around when he passes . In our case my dad passed on after we all had left him to sleep (around 3am )
Keep in mind that though a cancer patient may appear unconscious or asleep they are very aware of whats going on around them so ots best not to say anything in ear shot . My family and I were sitting feet away talking about the good times we had as kids and though we thought dad was asleep he smiled .
If he is ptescribed oral morphine do not withold the medicine for fear of it expediting his passing . My sister forbid us from giving my dad morphine in her belief he would die from it . I thought that selfish and called the doctor who agreed with my opinion that it wasnt a strong enough dose to expedite his passing .
In my experience dad stopped eating and drinking . His urine output was very little and his urine was very dark . we all knew from his dehydration that he didnot have long but suprised us by bouncing back only to pass on a few days later .
I am grateful for having him inmy home for hospice we got very close in his last days .
I will say that before he died he described it as very beautifull ...all the colors then he called out the name of his dog he had as a child . He loved living in the apartment in my home and actually said " you are going to have to carry me out of here I like it so much here "
His wish came true .When the funeral home came to take him the clouds cleared and a mockingbird broke out the most sweet variety of chirps I have ever heard .
I hope this post can help or comfort you . My experience leads me to believe that passing on in life is not the end . Bless you !