Quick background, mom is 80 years old with midstage Alzheimer's. She's able to do many things with direction and limited help on my part; bath, dress, eat. She's mobile and loves to be out. We go out to eat a couple of times a week and shopping almost every day, we may only pick up a loaf of bread but it gets her out of the house. Also, getting out helps keep my sanity!
A couple of months ago she started making noises and talking to herself. Lots of noises when eating at home, less when eating out. Because of this I've started giving a lot of thought to where we go, trying to go places when it's not busy so we/she doesn't bother anyone. She's not rude towards anyone or loud, the talking to herself are things like "oh my, geez".
It occurred to me yesterday that I've never noticed this kind of behavior in other seniors when I've been out. I'm wondering if I'm trying to hard to keep her in "normal" society?
At this point I'm trying to keep her engaged and happy knowing at any time things will change and she won't be able to go out.
He made quite a bit of noise. Most of it a sort of moaning sound and I would have people ask if he was in pain. I would gently tell them that he had Alzheimer's and this was one of his "quirks".
I would kid that it was easy to find him if he wandered off while I went to grab a bunch of bananas!
I would have kids look at him and ask their mom "why is that man crying?" I would jump in with..He is not crying this is just a noise he makes because his brain does not work as well as it used to. I would then ask if they had classmates that had Autism and most of the time I would get a nod of the head. I would ask then..does your classmate make noises sometimes? And again I would get a yes. I would explain it is sort of the same thing. And I would thank them for being so caring.
If you go to the same places to eat lunch or dinner the staff will begin to know your mom and will be extra patient.
There are cards that the Alzheimer's Association has that are something like...Please be patient the person I am with has Alzheimer's and may need a bit more time.
As far as other diners or people in stores...most people are so preoccupied with themselves that they do not notice a bit of extra noise. And with all the noise in most restaurants a little from your mom will not be noticeable.
When you are seated and order, ask for "to-go" containers to be brought with the meal. Just in case she gets agitated you you have to make a quick departure you can pack up while the staff is getting your bill ready.
As far as taking her out..until it becomes unsafe getting her in or out of the car. Or when she is no longer safe walking.
Until she become so agitated that she is no longer enjoying herself.
Or when it becomes frustrating for you. Until then enjoy the outings.
If someone says anything, tell them that she has some unknown disease and it is highly contagious, so you do apologize for exposing them and you hope they fair as well as your mom. Sorry, I get so bothered with people acting like our seniors, disabled and others that are different are to be hid away, so I like to freak them out a bit.
She is blessed to have you.
Hosting holidays are stressful enough without having to worry about a parent. If your son is comfortable taking grandpa to the bathroom you should accept his help. I know that's easier said than done but I'm working on it too. If I don't accept help it's not good for me and lessens mom's quality of life. I'm lucky to have a SIL that helps with the bathroom and reminding me to let others help.
I agree with your last sentence and know for myself there will come a time when it all becomes too much. Right now it looks like maybe a year or so, I've found a couple of MC that would work for mom.
Taking them anywhere was a huge undertaking that required all 5 of us. I never felt bad to ask my sons to help (and they never hesitated). It made them feel needed/important and appreciated and it showed them life with all its warts, and helps them to have gratitude and appreciation for their health. Our experiences with this caregiving continues to give me the opportunity to point out that how you treat the elderly and infirmed is how you will want to be treated, and that aging is a normal part of life and to not be "surprised" by it. Today my sons have such an affection for "Q-tips" (as we call all the silver-haired seniors in our family). They rush to help elderly strangers and give up seats on the train for them, etc.
Kimberlitas, I applaud your loving kindness to your mom. Keep taking her out as long as you can. Blessings!
Thank you for the compliment and advice. Being on this site shows we caregivers, whether up close or from afar, are doing the best we can. I send on the applause to all of you!
NOTE: We are not wealthy! The cruise was $198 per person and flight was $258 per person round trip. Less than $500 each for 5 days. We splurged for a hotel room in Los Angeles at $198 we’ll share, and the Lobster dinner in Ensinada was $210. This is a little more than we usually spend, but it’s his birthday.
Of *course* you are right to use your common sense about this, and not take your mother to places where her diminishing abilities are going to hold people up or significantly inconvenience them or ruin their first candle-lit dinner date. Apart from anything else, very noisy or rushed or crowded places will not be pleasant for her.
I think I recall that you can get pre-printed cards to hand to concerned members of the public that explain "my mother has dementia, please overlook her talking to herself" with, perhaps, the website for the Alzheimer's Society - it all adds to useful awareness-raising in the general population.
But as long as she benefits from outings and she is doing no one any harm, you go right ahead. May you long enjoy her company! :)
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/helpcards?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg7f9w57J5AIViLHtCh3pbQxFEAAYASAAEgKmt_D_BwE
I'm sure alz.org in the USA will have something similar in its Resources section.
Can't leave her in the car alone, or even with one of my adult kids, because it she feels like I'm taking too long she will get out to look for me.
So lately I take her out a couple times a week to a store to walk the aisles for exercise, or to McD's for ice cream and people watch. Sometimes I drive the long way to town because that's really all she wants -- a drive.
I kept doing this until it became unsafe. There also was an in between phase where I’d bring her to my house instead of someplace public, or i’d bring my husband along so I had some who could help with logistics. I gauged safety by her behavior. For example, would she wait for me if I had to go get the car? Would she wait for me to bring her walker up/down the stairs, or would she try to do it herself? Was she able to safely go up/down stairs herself? Did she pay attention when I gave her direction?
I would say as long as it is safe and manageable, it’s lovely! 😊
Sundays I go get food at her senior complex cafeteria alone, she’s tried coming along but can’t act nice, she has NO idea that the others are old are challenged.
Bless these folks who can’t enjoy hardly anything anymore and who take things around them as a personal affront. I am trying to find a therapy pet visit for her next. I started her on psych and downer meds recently, I’ll do anything to lower the sense of stress even at the cost of overall awareness.
I am so impressed and happy for those of you who have your ways to get them out, like just a drive around and back. We have a shuttle at Mom’s complex and we ride along, she gets a kick out of it. I also bring her to my house as an outing, I have pets here.
My best wishes to all. 💐
My mom is currently in the hospital because we are trying to transfer her from assisted living to skilled nursing. She treats each and every doctor and nurse like someone she has known since she was little, and used to babysit them.
I think you have the right attitude. Things will change, but do what you can for now. I feel that the activity of a walk or short outing provides enough activity that they are tired enough by the end of the day to rest and sleep better.
I am so grateful for the kindness and wisdom of everyone on this site. So much so that every opportunity I get I send new caregivers here, knowing what a huge help it will be to them.
I once heard a woman who was watching us with Mom tell her children, “That’s how you love and respect your parents”.
Don’t worry about what other people think or if they stare. You’re doing what makes your loved one happy. Perhaps you’re also teaching these strangers that it’s all a part of life.
Keep up the good caregiving - be blessed!