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My 89 year old mother recently moved in with my husband and I. She had been living on her own in a senior living community (not assisted living), but had caregivers come help her a few days a week, and I visited her every Sunday. She contracted COVID-19 in January and I brought her to my home under hospice care. We thought she was going to pass away, but she actually survived. (Some background - she has recently been through a lot in the last couple of years. My father kicked her out of the house (she lived with my us for a few months), then we had a conservatorship battle. When he was finally diagnosed Alzheimer's, among other things, we were able to get him the medication and living community he needed. He eventually contracted COVID-19 and passed away the day my mother was diagnosed with COVID-19.)


My mother is very happy living with us (she has always wanted to live with me), and it was okay for us for a while. (I work full-time, mostly from home, but work two days in the office. My husband was able to retire and is my mother's main caregiver, cooking all of the meals, etc. (he is an angel). And we have a caregiver come twice a week for companionship for mom and to give my husband a break. But now mother's mental capacity seems to be deteriorating rapidly. Everything is new to her every day. She has COPD and all of a sudden doesn't know how to use her inhalers. We have been fighting the battle of trying to get her to drink water for years (she only drinks about one cup a day), so that it ongoing. She is very obstinate and argumentative. This is getting very frustrating and harder to just say to ourselves she's not doing it on purpose. She is very frail (73 pounds), although she does eat pretty well. Sometimes I feel we are just torturing her when we try to engage her, or try to make her get dressed. Maybe we should just let her be and do what she wants. When she started to sleep most of the time we obtained hospice services again. At least she is being seen by a medical professional once a week.


I just wanted to share, because I know we are not alone in this. I feel guilty in wishing I could have her live in an assisted living facility. I don't think I could do that to her. Who know how much time she has left. We need to just grin and bear it and know we are doing the right thing, but every day is so stressful. And of course there are times where everything is fine, but...idk.

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My focus would be on trying to make her happy. If she’s fighting you getting dressed or getting out of bed, I’d question if those battles are worth it. If she is deteriorating rapidly, maybe it won’t be long.

Sometimes elderly people have difficulty drinking plain water. Have you tried flavoring it? Look in the juice aisles for squirters that you can add to plain water. Maybe she’d drink more if it tasted like something.

I feel that you feel the end point approaching, but I don’t think you’re there yet to throw in the towel. Talk to her doctor on how to make her as comfortable and happy as possible in the meantime and then take it a week at a time.
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Usually when someone observes a cognitive change "rapidly" or suddenly, there is a chance it is due to a UTI. Can you have her tested so you can discount this possibility? Take her to Urgent Care, she won't need an appointment. If she has a UTI she can have antibiotics and can recover. It may not be a UTI but at least you've done due diligence and checked it off the list and can move on to informed decision-making. Wishing you wisdom and peace in your heart.
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At her age and condition, I think I would definitely pick my battles. Being on hospice is one indicator that she is declining. I would offer things to her but no longer try to force them. Offer good food. Water. etc. Maybe offer her foods that are more watery like - watermelon or others that have some good moisture content. A smoothie? At this level, just try to find things she likes that might bring her some little enjoyment and nutrition too.

If she's sleeping most of the time, that 's OK at this point.

I can understand the idea of assisted living. I don't know if they do hospice there? Maybe hire an aid to sit with her to give you a break? It's impossible to know how long she has.

Good luck.
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I agree my first thought is UTI when it is sudden changes.

My mom also struggles with getting enough fluids and a UTI changes everything in her behaviors.

I would call her primary and ask if you could drop off a sample or take her to a walk in.

Going forward I have been giving mom foods (snacks) with high water count for additional fluids - watermelon and other fruits/veggies - even making smoothies - broths and soups. Best wishes
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Fun fluids: popsicles, watermelon, oranges, peaches, ice cream, shakes, Ensure, apple sauce, soups, pudding...
Any liquids food can help . At 73 pounds let her eat it drink what ever she wants.
Guilt: you are a loving caring daughter doing the best you can in a very difficult situation, give yourself some kudos, grace and let the guilt go! You are doing terrifically!
Let her do as she wishes. Stop pushing and forcing issues. You will be happier, she will be happier. Peace and quiet is better than you trying to be the perfect care giver. She will eventually pass away no matter how perfect you are. It's not your responsibility to be perfect. No one is.
God bless you. I am just starting your journey with my 90+ yo parents and newly dx husband.
Praying for you.
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I have to agree with the other posters here. See if you can check for the UTI. Offer snacks that will hydrate: smoothies, flavored drinks, puddings, milkshakes, etc. Let her do what she enjoys ... if that's sleeping... fine.
Have aides to come in to give you and hubby a bit of a break. Check with her MD and see if hospice is appropriate. Clone your husband.... he sounds like a doll!!

Be easy on yourself. You are not God and will not always make the perfect decision. You a loving and caring daughter. Enjoy the time you have with your Mom and enjoy your hubby too. Peace and blessings to all of you on this journey.
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Grapes, cukes and orange slices (sectioned, no membrane) are all great for hydrating.
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