Mom has early dementia. I need advice on how NOT to keep setting her off?
My mom has early dementia and we cannot seem to talk over the phone without my angering her. Yesterday is a good example. I called to check in and she began to tell me that the Meals On Wheels Program (delivers meals to homebound, elderly once a day) is awful. That the food has expiration dates that are 3 days overdue.
Not thinking clearly (I realize this now) and trying to find a reason as to why this would be so, I said to her "well, it might be possible that these were stamped before the food was put in them. I know ... very stupid on my part. But, I was honestly trying to figure it out. She started screaming at me that I always try to make trouble and that I always want to be right. Then she said "the food is horrible and I feel sorry for people who have to eat it". To this, I said, call my brother (he is the one who got her on the program), and tell him to cancel it, then. Again, she got very angry and said to me, what makes you think I cannot do it? Why do you always tell me to call him to do things? So I told her I was sorry. Then she said, I don't want to talk about this anymore and she hung up.
I am always left thinking "did I say something to upset her"? Or is it that she has the very early dementia? After all, I am stressed out and frustrated and it could be me.
She was never an angry person all her life and her disposition has changed so much. The thing is I can't distinguish between her being grouchy over being ill (also has serious heart disease which has her homebound and in bed a lot of the time and not feeling well at all) OR my ways setting her off.
How do I NOT set her off in the first place? I really feel like I don't want to talk to her anymore and getting tired of being yelled at and having the phone slammed on me.
I do a lot of "uh ha" and "oh really"..
Educate yourself about dementia. The more you know will help you understand what she is going through.
Nothing you said was wrong. It was just the way that she heard it. I think I would have said, "But at least you don't have to cook!" That would have given her a good thought. If she went on I would say that she could cancel it if she wanted. This would have said the same thing, but made her feel she was in charge of things. This is important to people in the early stages of dementia, where many are still fighting to maintain competence and dignity.
One thing we can hope for our elders with dementia is that their minds hold out as long as their bodies do. During the earlier stages of dementia, most elders are still competent, though their reasoning may be off. To me your mother is saying that she still wants to be the competent mother. If the dementia progresses, it will change over time. Helping is still good, of course, but their egos can be a bit fragile and they can perceive things wrong. It isn't our fault, but we can have to learn to be diplomatic in our phrasing of things.
And sometimes even when you're diplomatic and loving, they still get mad. I'm sure that is just the frustration they feel. It is often aimed at a family member they feel safe with.
The best course is not to try and reason with her. Just say you're sorry to hear that (whatever "that" happens to be.) If she starts arguing, just say you've got to hang up because something's boiling over on the stove.
If you cut the conversation short every time she starts jumping ugly, she'll eventually learn to quit it.
It's not your fault that she's being this way.
That"s the way they roll sometimes when they're in a bad mood. Your mom isn"t an ogre. She's lashing out at you because she's honked off about something and she thinks she can get away with it because she's the parent and you're her child.
Is being yelled at and belittled a form of abuse? Yes. It is. It's not like being kicked in the teeth, but it still hurts.
Sure, it hurts ... it hurts me because she is no longer my sweet Mom (seems so due to the ILLNESS), but I will always remember her "when". If this were to happen to me, I would want people to understand and to be as kind as possible. It's enough that outsiders don't get it and that people are treated poorly in some nursing homes and by other care providers. We, as family, do not have to add the the sick person's problems. If I become that way, I will bow out as I will no longer be any good to her. Just my humble opinion. Will be interesting to see if anyone answers this in the affirmative.