I'm struggling with how to contact my siblings, whom I can only assume are caring for my mother, after I found out on my own that our dad had passed away by a Google search.
My son had an addiction problem for years in his 20's and apparently showed up with a friend at my parents home with a flat tire. My brother called him and told him, he was never allowed to see or speak to my parents again. My son became suicidal and I was upset, spoke with my brother about how he handled it (he's never had children) and that was the last time ANYONE from my entire family has spoken to me. That was in 2015.
Throughout the years, I've sent letters, emails, flowers, anything to let my folks know I'm still their daughter, their eldest and I love them and my son has respected their wishes and stayed away, even though it had nearly broken him. He is their first grandchild and was VERY close to my parents.
My family is not an argumentative family, we don't yell, don't talk about feelings, and my parents are straight laced never drank, smoked etc. Even though my grandfather was an alcoholic, we were never to speak of it. So the silent treatment is nothing new needless to say. Instead of my family offering me any form of emotional support to help my son rehabilitate or at least verbally telling me what great sin I committed for their silence, instead it appears I've been ostracized completely from the family. I recall my brothers last words to me, Mom and Dad said, 'We want to die in peace. So I can only assume that was meant for me as well as my son. Through God's grace, my son is clean and sober today. My dad dies never knowing this.
A few weeks ago I was running a search on my Maiden last name for some ancestry work on my dads side and my dads name happen to come up in the search string as deceased. My heart nearly stopped, I couldn't believe what I was reading, even worse that he passed a year ago. I kept searching and found where he's buried, but there was no obituary anywhere, no cause of death, no commemoration of his life, nothing. My dad was suffering from Parkinson so I can only assume that is what he passed from.
My question is, I realize my siblings may have no legal obligation to contact me about dad passing, but, am I being selfish in expecting them to? I was left to find out my dad died on the internet, it's been a year, we never had an actual fight or brawl like most families, I never went against my parents wishes aside from occasional letters, cards, flowers and my son never contacted them again...what MORE could I have done? I sacrificed my own relationship with my family to SAVE my sons life and apparently they felt that was the wrong decision? Am I being punished for being a mother of an addict? I have noone to grieve with, I'm a year behind, this is fresh to me, he just died to me a few weeks ago. I think about his funeral and what the extended family must have been asking as to why I wasn't there. I'm trying to understand why I'm deserving of such humiliation and despair.
My mom is now, I can only assume in the care of one of my siblings. I feel it's important they all know, I KNOW and how I found out. I don't want to get emotional or angry, but I am BOTH. One of my greatest fears is to never see or speak to my mom again.
How should I handle this? I'm putting together a letter, I think it should be to the point, and one to each of my siblings to ensure everyone is on the same page. I want my mom to knew I haven't abandoned her, as I don't really know what she knows, what she wants and how she is. Or is she's STILL WITH US TOO! I'm terrified.
Any words of encouragement, advice and straight talk are appreciated. I'm at a total loss on how to deal with such grief. Thank you in advance.
This happened to me just this last week. I had been estranged from my younger daughter, SIL and grandchildren for 8 years. I contacted her again by email when last year I learned more about the difficult genetic condition that unfortunately I passed on to her, and I thought that I owed it to her to give her the new information. It led to more (very tentative) emails, then a meeting at an extended family function, and last week daughter and family came to visit. We didn’t talk about the past, although it was quite emotional in a good way. I may never know WHY she was so difficult years ago, and perhaps it doesn’t matter now. Certainly not as important as burying the pain and moving on.
I hope it might work for you too. If it doesn't work, just walk out - you are no worse off. Good luck, Margaret
Let’s face it, your family has abandoned you. They didn’t have a valid reason to do this. You have every right to be hurt and angry.
You asked for encouragement but nothing I can say is going to make you feel better.
I can say that I understand how you feel. Family dynamics are complicated and unfair at times.
Our generation didn’t always discuss issues. I grew up in a ‘hush hush’ household similar to yours. These situations are often confusing and frustrating to deal with.
I won’t go into details but my husband experienced the same thing in his family. His siblings didn’t tell him when his father died. I found out when I went to bring flowers to my MIL’s mausoleum and his name had been added. I told my husband that his dad was dead.
My dad called his brother, his SIL told him that his brother was dead. No one in the family even knew that my uncle had been sick. He had died a couple of months before daddy called. His wife didn’t tell anyone. No one had been arguing about anything. My dad was hurt to learn about his brother’s death in this way.
I feel that it’s common courtesy to tell family about a death but apparently not everyone feels this way.
We had addiction in our family too. Like your family, neither of my parents drank or smoked. My brother caved into peer pressure and started using drugs when a friend asked him to try it. He died from liver failure.
I am happy that your son is clean and sober.
I don’t know what to tell you about your family. Do whatever you feel is best. My husband doesn’t feel like it’s worth rehashing old wounds and doesn’t have any contact with his siblings. I can tell you that my husband is a wonderful man and wasn’t the cause of their behavior.
Yes, it’s a disappointment when family relationships fail but we don’t have any control over other people’s behavior. I would also make an appointment with a therapist to discuss how you are feeling.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time. Remember that family doesn’t always mean people who you are biologically related to. You can have other meaningful relationships that are just as close as family.
This is where I'm at, a few days past this initial post...
I believe my mom is with my brother and his wife
Iwould like to send my mom a card of sympathy over dad's death, but that card will go my to brothers and my mom has macula degeneration so I'm not sure how well she can see to read in her own...I have seen her since 2016...I mis- wrote on initial post...I checked my old emails and it was 2016 when I last spoke to my family.
And as much as I DON'T want to interact with either my siblings, I need to clarify I want to be contacted if she wants to see or speak with me, if she passes, and I want to be at the funeral.
And I hate to even say this, but when she passes, then there's a whole other estate to contend with.
You should do the same.
They clearly ALL, including your parents, wanted nothing to do with you.
That's on them.
I believe that your mother has known for years that you exist and she could have reached out to you when she was more well. She chose not to. I think that, given how hard you tried it is time to lay these people to rest whether they are yet dead or NOT.
Family is a genetic accident when you are talking people like this.
You deserve a decent life with family you "make" out of good friends who are loyal and steadfast to you, and you to them. Foster and nurture mutual relationships. These people who were related to you by blood need a scapegoat of some kind and looks like you were elected. They simply are not worth it.
Make a good life for yourself and your family and leave these people to heaven. Or wherever the heck they are going.
I am truly sorry, but there was little here to grieve. I would move on a make great friends your newfound family and treasure them as they will treasure you.
When we're grieving, we often do things we shouldn't. Please don't put yourself in a vulnerable position.
Personally, I think it's heartless not to have contacted you when your father died, but I don't know how your family sees it.
There's nothing you can do about the past. What do you want now? Do you want a relationship with your mother and brother? You could reach out to your mom, but you have no control over the outcome.
I'm sorry your dear father passed without you knowing and being able to say goodbye. Can you and your son have a little memorial for him for your own grief?
I'm also sober from alcohol addiction and it's safe to say that you didn't cause your son's addiction. I'm glad he's sober. People get condemned for addiction (and when we're in addiction, we can do a lot of horrible things), but people can also be unforgiving. (And non-addicts can do horrible things like not tell their sibling that their father passed.) No one chooses to become an addict. I wish more people could see that. I wish you and your son well and hope that you can find peace with whatever direction you go.
I understand your hurt and sadness, but you’re better off not having to deal with them. If you can be in touch with your mom without stirring up the rest of that den of venomous snakes, perhaps she’d be a comfort to you and you to her.
You won’t know until
you try it.
A little bit of playing Devil's Advocate here: what, exactly, happened during this "visit" with your son, his friend and your parents that created this visceral response? Did your son, who had an "addiction problem" show up drunk and/or high with his friend (also in the same condition) and possibly scare your parents? Ask for/demand money and refuse to leave? That you would even mention this incident (with very few details) as the precursor to your story leads me to believe that this was something more than a friendly visit of a grandchild to his beloved grandparents!
I'm very sorry that whatever rift happened between you and your family caused them to decide to NOT notify you about the death of your dad. That is truly sad. But IF you're the kind of person who immediately goes into "mama bear" mode and refuses to see where your child might have been in the wrong, I can see where your family might have decided it was best to not have contact. I'm very sorry about your son's addiction, but not everyone has it in them to forgive whatever behavior that addiction drives. My sister is married to an alcoholic; that she puts up with his obnoxious, boorish behavior doesn't oblige me to do the same. While his alcoholism might be a ***reason*** for his behavior it's not a valid ***excuse***, at least in my opinion.
I apologize if I have offended anyone here. I know there are members who are/have dealt with addiction in their lives and families, and I know it's a touchy subject. But there are times when you have to cut off those family members, just as you would any other toxic family member, addiction notwithstanding, for the sake of your own well-being, be it physical or mental.
I hope you can find a way mend fences so you can at least see or talk to your mom at some point.
JoAnn brings up a great point. You stood up for your son and he was your priority. Your love and support for your son helped him to get sober. That’s something to be grateful for.
People who judge you because of what occurred with your son are heartless.
Plus, I am sure that your siblings aren’t perfect. I bet they don’t have perfect families either. There isn’t a soul alive that has a perfect family.
There is a woman in my circle of friends who has a daughter who became pregnant in her last year of college. The young woman was in love and the couple decided to get married.
One of the women in our group of friends had nothing but bad things to say about our friend and her daughter.
This woman said horrible things behind our friend’s back like, “How can this young woman be married in front of others by a minister? She should be ashamed of herself!”
A few of us told this woman that she shouldn’t attend the wedding or reception if she couldn’t be happy for them and support their decision.
She only went to the wedding so she could gossip about the family. She went as far as to say that her own daughter would never be so stupid. Well, guess whose daughter ended up getting pregnant? Yep! Hers! She wasn’t supportive of her daughter and their relationship was ruined.
People like this aren’t friends. They stand in judgment like they are superior to everyone.
Your siblings have done the same. They don’t care about you and it’s their loss. They know nothing about addiction. Addiction is a disease. No one wakes up in the morning and says, “Hey, I want to become an addict today!” There are underlying problems that leads a person down this path.
If your son didn’t harm your siblings in any way, then why on earth would they shun you for your son’s issues?
You are not to blame for any of this, so please don’t question yourself. Sadly, these differences can occur in families and in friendships. It’s painful but don’t allow it to get in the way of having a meaningful life. Move forward in your life. I doubt that you would be able to convince your siblings to see their behavior for what it is.
I'm the oldest, 7 years and 5 years senior. My brother is the golden child, sister the baby. I grew up on a ranch, and I was the one out with dad raising the hogs, cattle and showing them on the fair when I was a teenager. They were younger and when they were in HS my brother got to play football and my sister cheerlead. I was raised differently, graduated HS early, started college my Senior year and when my folks refused to help me with college, I moved out at 17. I got pregnant by a guy I had been dating 3 months, my folks told me to marry him and gave us 1K to go to Vegas so noone would know and I wouldn't embarrass the family. I was 24!!! I'm STILL married our son just turned 35.
The story my brother told me is my son should up 'disheveled' at my parents and had a friend with him and said he had a flat and the helped him fix the flat. Then my dad didn't like my son bringing that guy to their house, it scared them, so they called my brother. My brother called my son, my son called me suicidal he was so upset after that call. I called and asked my brother what happened, he told me, that they aren't his parents and he's never allowed to see them again until he gets his act together I said fair enough. And that was the last time anyone has spoken to me. I WISH I had more to say. If I did, I wouldn't be so lost and be asking for support and advice online. Honestly. I've always had to do for myself, and this one is more than I can bear on my own I'm afraid.
Sounds like you are being punished for having a son with an addiction. Congrats on his sobriety. Your support helped him accomplish this. Just was talking about addiction with my DD#1. We know a family, I went to school with the parents DD to school with 3 of their 4 kids. Out of the 4, 2 are addicts. All raised by the same parents. My DD looked at me and said them becoming addicts had nothing to do with how they were raised, not the parents fault. They made the choice to take drugs. No one forced them. My DD is 46.
You stood up for your son, he is priority over your family. Just let it go. What goes around comes around. I have seen it happen. Did the person learn anything, I so hope so. You are really not losing out here. Your family seems to be narrow minded. Maybe better they r not in your life.
I am completely onboard with anyone not wanting someone in their life anymore. Everyone has the right to live in peace, and life I had mentioned in a prior response, my mom had said at one point to my brother supposedly that he told my son, 'they just want to die in peace' 9 years ago, but that's what he said they told him to tell my son. I never forgot those words and we've stayed away and it's nearly broken me, but I did it out of respect. I have always done what my parents have wanted out of respect. Hell I married a dude I didn't know because I was pregnant because my parents told me to, out of respect. I never cussed in front of them, I never fought them and I've never been in a fight with my brother or sister in my life either, only words or high stress emotional conversation WAS that last conversation with my brother. In my entire life. I was out of the house at 17 and they were 12 and 10, so they grew up together, I've always been the outsider. I guess I shouldn't be surprised huh how things turned out. Appreciate your response. Thank you