My father passed away at 85 six years ago and my mother who is now 86 still lives in her large home with pool because she can't get rid of anything - she is very materialistic. I have been there for her to assist her but she doesn't trust me to help. Both prents were very much controllers or tried all their lives to control my sister and I using their trust saying that they will give their money to this charity or club instead of to my sister and I. My mother has never said I love you or I'm proud of you to my sister or me. She is verbally abusive to both of us all the time. I finally said that's it and blocked her from my phone so I don't have to put up with the abuse. I feel guilty and that's exactly what she wants. We were told that we are there to help and do as they say. At 64 years old I am tired of being treated like child. I quit. I'm divorcing my mother at 86 years old.
I think it is perfectly healthy for you to set boundaries and get yourself in a better place in order to deal with this woman. Shift your role from daughter to care "manager." That way you can make objective decisions but not be tied to her psychologically. Once she sees that you are treating her humanely but not in a dependent manner, she will no longer have control over you.
Everyone says that you cannot become a victim without your permission. However, children who have been indoctrinated all their lives do not know where to cut the ties. Their parents have done a good job making them feel guilty for any act of independence they exhibit. In adulthood the "carrot" is the will, money, property, etc.
Let your Mom know that she has every right to do as she pleases with her money, because she can't take it with her.
Sounds like you are on top of things...make choices for humane reasons and let her keep the drama to herself.
good luck
If the trust is worth sacrificing your dignity and self-respect, then don't say anything and let Mommie Dearest keep treating you like a cockroach. If the money isn't that big of an issue for you, Mrs. Meanie would have to make other arrangements to dump or tear someone else down so she can feel better about herself. Do, however, keep in touch here and there to check up on Dad and lay the groundwork for boundaries that you'll have no problem enforcing consistently without feeling guilty. Good luck.
-- ED
Emotional blackmail. ... Short, sweet, concise, straight to the point. It is what it is, and I couldn't have said it better myself dear brother.
By trying to control everyone with money she has shown that she is shallow and matrialistic. She also showed that she has no faith in her childrens ability to do the right thing on their own...so she has to bribe and blackmail.Fear not love runs her life...
She has trained me well...to be a caregiver and caring person...and she did it so that I would be her insurance in her old age. The only thing she didn't count on was my having developed a deep sense of justice ...and that lies unfold as time goes on.
I discovered that her "love" for me was not love at all, but fear for her own comfort. Had she truly loved me...as I love my daughters, she would have let me live out my dreams instead of crushing them with mockery and judgment. If she had truly loved me she would have wanted my independance so that I could willingly and freely care for her , instead of being a tyrant and misusing her role as mother. She held control by holding her will and assets over my head like a whip. Having lost all respect and trust for her I now was left to make an important decision.
I had to decide on caring for this abusive and imposing being who happened to be my mother, or leave her to her own fate...which was what my two brothers wanted. They who had been given all the freedom and attention I would have sold my eyes for...were now rejecting and turning their backs on her out of spite.
It has been a journey in forgiveness and tolerance. It has been over seven years and all of my free time is spent supervising her housekeeping, her live-in aids, her doctor appointments, her bills, her home repairs, her hair cuts, her comforts. How do I do it? I drew up a contract of employment.
After the first few months, when I saw what it would involve, I spoke to an elder lawyer who helped me draw it up. I presented it to her and my brothers. I draw weekly salary and am paid directly from the pool trust from her reverse mortgage. There will be no money after she dies...and at least this way I have part time income for work I did for free all my life.
The point was, this is my mother. Would I not do it for a stranger if asked of me? Since my answer was yes, and this was a personal challenge, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and be the daughter I would have liked to have..just because it is the right thing to do. Not the smart thing, just the right thing for me...for now. I would not have been able to face myself in front of my maker otherwise.
I hope some of what I said helps. Good luck. in your adventure with aging.
Tilda
Jonathan
Own it sweetie and allow this to come out as you heal. You need healing. Wake up each day knowing that you are special and you have so much worth and value.
Rejoice in each day and know your not alone in this. May God lift you up and give you comfort and peace and joy as it comes into your life everyday.
Welcome to the club... Don't feel guilty. It is part of the 'guilt, shame, blame game' they do so well. I divorced Daddy in January after him abusing me of killing Mother and trying to kill him and not doing enough for him, etc... I too had blocked their number from my phone this summer. It is a very difficult tight rope to walk. Our divorce lasted 2 months. Now I go once a week, under my terms and there are topics off limits or I walk. (This includes verbal abuse.) Trust me, walking out on them once or twice, while making it clear that this behavior or abuse will not be tolerated, you may find they come around. It has worked for me for the last month. Re: changing the will... Talk to the lawyer who wrote the will and keep him in the loop. I did this and when Daddy would call him he would pretend that his phone battery was going dead or he couldn't hear him on his line.. I had already invoked Power of Attorney and Daddy had been take from the home by the police and Adult Protective Services. The lawyer was kept informed and notified, after family visitation when cutting me or Sister out of the will, so he would expect the call.
It is 'control freak' stuff. They really do wish to keep/re-establish control in their lives. Don't take it personally. It is VERY hard. Parameters need be in place, negotiated, and you may find, with practice, that your visits are nicer.
The last words my father said to me were in fury because I would not stop what I was doing (packing my mother to take her to the psych ward) to do some mundane task that he wanted done immediately. It's been 7 years since his death and while I haven't forgotten our last meeting, I am not grieved by it. I know in my heart that I did everything I could within healthy boundaries to be a good daughter to them. For the longest time I kept wondering when the deep regret would set in, but I've finally realized that I don't own that last conversation, he did. I'm sorry that it happened that way, but he died like he lived - angry and controlling.
My advice in this situation is to be aware of your feelings. Don't do anything out of a desire for revenge so you won't have regrets. We are to honor our parents, but that isn't a license for them to trample us. I can honor my parents by seeing that they are safe and cared for when they can no longer do that for themselves. That doesn't mean that I must stand there and take whatever venom is spewed my way. Boundaries. Healthy boundaries. And those boundaries look different for every one of us.