How to begin getting my mother placed in a facility?
I'm at the end of my rope. I've actually been there but have managed to hold on somehow. I've taken care of my mother in her house for almost 7 years as her dementia has worsened and worsened. I've not had any help at all and haven't been anywhere without her for over 4 years. I never leave the house because I'm working 4-5 jobs at a time because I took on all of her expenses except rent.
She started becoming very mean years ago and now is simply an awful person. She denies everything she does and calls me names, every day with every single thing she does that is nonsensical or dangerous, or both, the weight in my shoulders gets heavier and heavier. I'm so exhausted and so miserable and so stressed out I can't even think straight enough to do my work without making huge, often expensive, mistakes. I feel utterly hopeless and I am utterly alone, both literally and metaphorically.
I've applied for my state's assistance in placing her four times and they've denied her every time, saying she's not "progressed" enough to qualify. This is a woman who talks to her dead parents, saves food for them, hoards newspapers to give to them, who insists she's just had a conversation with my (useless) younger brother (the one who completely disappeared 4 years ago when I finally told him I needed help with her), who leaves with her clothes crammed in grocery bags to go "home" - her childhood home that's 2700 miles away. I've had to lock up everything and now have to buy 3 different locks for 3 different doors because she's decided my dog is hers and she can do what she wants, which means letting him out near the street with no collar and no leash, something I've never done with him because he's a runner. Once she does one weird thing I know it'll never stop, she will continue doing it over and over. I have no way of protecting him from her other than keeping him locked up in the same bedroom I'm closed up in 24/7.
I've literally sacrificed my whole life in order to take care of her and in return I'm called stupid, a liar, an idiot, a bitch, and more often than not I feel so much pressure inside of me it makes me shake. I've become desperate to get out of here before it kills me. It's already ruined me, being around my mother constantly long-term made my older sister move out when she was 15, my older brother leave the moment he graduated, and made me leave Kentucky in 1989 to move all the way to Arizona. My dad drank to deal with her. I've spent my entire adult life getting as far away from my childhood as possible - I kept house differently, I married differently, I raised my kids differently, I strived to be nothing like my mother, I just wanted to escape all the dysfunction and hoarding and depression and manipulation I grew up surrounded by. And I had succeeded.
The moment I knew I had to be her caregiver, in her house, I felt as if God had picked me up and dropped me right back into that awful childhood. Different state, different house, different age, same dysfunction. I've been deeply unhappy the whole time I've been here but as she gets worse I get worse. I have so much anger towards her for things that happened years ago but I'm also fed up with everything here. She's never thanked me, not once, unless in sarcasm. She's never appreciated anything I've done or taken care of or paid for it solved. Angry landlords, pissed off doctors, bill collectors - they've all become my problem. I was prepared to reapply for state assistance but today as I stood in the backyard, after rescuing my dog again after she let him out without a leash, hearing her spit at me that he's her dog and she'll do whatever she wants with him, I felt something break in me. I don't yet know if it was a good break or another bad one but immediately afterward my first thought was getting her placed. I don't know where/how to begin. I know her check will pay for only the most run down of places, I've tried to avoid that, but I'm desperate. I have to get away from here.
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She is never going to appreciate you if she hasn't to date. Don't take it personally.
Contact the Area Agency on Aging to determine what services they have available. If you are in Kentucky:
Kentucky Area Agencies on Aging: http://chfs.ky.gov/dail/default.htm
State Senior Services Help Line: 502-564-6930
If your Moms mentation has changed remarkably, take her to the ER for evaluation. She could have a urinary tract infection that is making her more confused. Once she is in the ER, refuse to take her home. The hospital will get her placed.
If she is able to stay in the hospital 3 days, she will be eligible for rehab at a Medicare approved nursing facility. The state will confiscate her home for payment of the nursing home once she dies if Medicaid funds are used.
Your Mom could outlive you as she is not stressing about her situation.
Finally, she really does believe the dog is hers. That is her reality.
And then she started to decline. All the early symptoms were there, but we didn't realize what they ment. The withdrawing from everyone, refusal to leave the house, etc. she couldn't (wouldn't) even do shopping, I was doing it and everything else for her and since i was divorced, eventually I just moved in to stop wasting so much gas going to her place every 2nd day. Suddenly over the last 2 months everything fell apart at a horrifying rate. She couldn't walk the stairs without help, just went downstairs to sit in her recliner infront of the tube or reading, i took care of her dog and all the cooking and cleaning and shopping, paid the bills, did all the things she was now unable to do. At least she was very grateful, until her lightning fast decline decline into dementia.
Suddenly one day, she fell off the bed and was completely unable to get herself back up. Nor could I get her up alone, as she weighs a little over 200lbs. She was instant dead-weight. So she was hospitalized for a couple of days where they found pneumonia that had been undiagnosed or treated for almost a year. Shortly after the treatment started she signed herself out against medical advice, mistrusting the hospital and doctors (yet another sign no one noticed) and this repeated twice more before we finally got a hospital bed installed in the house along with a sling to pick her up and put her down on the commode, or her wheelchair. She tore the first sling thrashing around on the bed as it was too small, and refused to let the occupational therapist install a new one calling him dishonest, a liar and a criminal. Same to the woman who was going to give her twice weekly sponge baths. So now i have to put up with her screaming she has to go to the bathroom, set her and the bucket up over the side of the bed so she dosen't pee all over it, and at least half the time it's a false alarm. So it's reverse the process, haul her back up on the mattress and put back on her depends and PJ bottoms. We repeat this every half hour to an hour. ALL NIGHT LONG. I haven't had any sleep longer then a 2-hr stretch since the end of September. And I am losing my mind. She won't eat, so she dosen't poo much, but when it comes it's gigantic, literally over 2lbs. Thankfully I was able to get pet piddle pads under her so cleanup wasn't QUITE so horrible as it could have been.
Half the time she recognizes me as her son, the other half i was her brother or her husband. and EVERY time, i had 'kidnapped her' and why did i do this to her? why cant we go back home? and 25% incandescent rage and how much she hates me more then she's ever hated anyone. Followed by an attempt to get up that will have her collapsed on the floor once more.
I don't think I can do this any more. I'm losing it and if i don't get some sleep soon i am going to crack completely.
Hard as it was, and I sobbed when I did it, I did call 911 when she hurt me. Not horribly bad, but I knew it would get worse. She needed help and the dr just seemed to stop caring about her.
My goal was to get EMS to take her to the hospital at 3am. I did not go with her. I wanted them to see her in all her glory. She screamed, bit, punched And carried on till they had to provide 24/7 care to try to keep her calm. She still acted up, largely because I wasn’t there. That was my intent. Knowing they would have to discharge her to a memory care facility hopefully to get the magic concoction of medication to be able to bring her home. She got much, much worse.
I’m leaving a lot out, but to make a long story short, the insurance company said they weren’t going to pay any more. The facility called me and said to pick her up. Ackkk! She was all but catatonic.
technically, they have to do an “orderly discharge “ which they violated. They were supposed to place her somewhere else. Tearfully, I called Hospice and told them what was happening. An angel answered the phone.
ultimately, I brought her home on hospice with all the necessary medications. It was amazing how peaceful she was. We still had visitors, went for walks, etc, and eventually she was bedridden. But she was not angry or hateful.
ultimately, after a few months, she passed away in my arms.
-Call 911
-Don’t go to the hospital with her
-Call the head nurse to check on her.
-Visit the following morning.
-Tell Dr her condition has deteriorated and you fear for her safety and yours. (No need to mention the dog. )
-Ask to speak to a social worker.
-You are not at all responsible for her bills.
-Pay utilities, mortgage/rent and food out of her money.
Are you willing/able to care for her if she’s calm and not abusive?
if not, make sure you adamantly tell the social worker.
Prepare yourself for moving out on your own. Medicaid will eventually take the house, it’s not your fault and you don’t owe anyone a damn thing. YOUR sanity is what is important here.
If the Dr is willing to order hospice or a home health aide, and you are willing to do it, you will at least have some help giving you time to decompress. That worked out well for me.
I pray for you as well as your mother. I hope you will find peace.
Know that you’ve done all that you could for as long as you could and be happy with yourself. You’ve done more than anyone else did, so don’t take any crap.
I truly feel for you. God Bless!
1)If you feel like you can handle the amount of time it will take, contact a memory care facility, fill them in, get them all of the information they need, ask for them to come over for an evaluation. Tell your mom a “friend” is coming over for tea/coffee, whatever.... You have to take care of you and your well-being.
2) I am not sure what the elder care laws or children responsibility laws are in Arizona but you could call adult protective services and let them handle it going forward. The almost beautiful part of dementia is your mom will most likely forget that a family member placed her in a memory care facility and eventually you(if you wanted) could have a better relationship w/ her.
3) It sounds like you are most likely fighting a lot w/ her. If she’s doing something wrong but it’s not hurting anything, stop arguing w/ her. Do a lot of things behind the scenes and “jump into her reality.” This is a fantastic technique I learned from Rachael Wonderlin. If you have a few min, check out her site. Dementiabyday.com
She offers very realistic and practical ways of handling daily situations that are arise when caring for a loved one with dementia. I refer to her site a lot. I am a caregiver for families living w/ dementia and my father in law had dementia as well. He was a very stubborn man and we did a lot of things behind the scenes that made him feel like he was still in control.
4) Call 911 when she is having a really bad day and ask for an evaluation at the hospital. I think you can request a 72 hour non-voluntary hold for psychiatric evaluation. Sounds dramatic but I think you are having a serious crisis.
Hope this helps!
Sounds like she is better suited for Memory Care which many SNF do not offer. I know this from looking for a placement for my own mother. Most AL facilities have a MC wing for those whose physical status is relatively good but whose memory issues make it unsafe for them to live alone.
Unfortunately, at least in Ohio, AL's are not required to accept Medicaid Waivers. They have the option to do so after a resident has been there at least 2 years and even then it is not a given, it’s up to each company. Talk to someone at your bank about how to budget to eke put your Mom's assets to last that 2 years.
Sell the house if necessary, if it is in her name Medicaid will require it be sold and the money used for her care anyway if she is not living there. I’m not sure how that works if she continues to live there.
In Ohio there is a program called Passport that has lots of assets to help the elderly. One program provides a free, 30 minute consultation with a law student. It was hugely helpful to me and saved us thousands in lawyers fees.
Check to see if your doctor's office has a social worker that can advise you, your Mom's insurance provider might be able to help. I got a lot of good advice from Catholic Family Services (they help anyone) and A Place for Mom can at least give you a few names to check out.
As a last resort you might have to call Adult Services and tell them your Mom is at risk of being left alone because you can’t cope. If nothing else you might be able to get into a respite program.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
I strongly question why you would even have moved in with her since you had such a miserable childhood and relationship but perhaps that was part of your conditioning . In any case, not cohabitatng will help with getting mom assistance. Move yourself and anything you want to keep out of the place. Then try the “er dump” method ..which seems cruel but also sometimes necessary. Don’t go along , just call 911 , perhaps be there to help give information. Will be better to be able to say that you came to visit and found her “on the floor” from a fall or whatever but this will establish she lives alone without someone to care for her. Call and ask about her condition ..don’t go to visit, say you are working and can’t if pressured. Don’t sign anything for her. Make it clear that there is no one to care for her at home so it is unsafe. They still may try to send her home but if they succeed, by just dumping her on discharge...repeat. If she truly cannot care for herself this should eventuallly work. Yes, she may be placed in a nursing home that you don’t really like. In some you may be able to optimize her care by just visiting , for brief periods, often. You don’t even have to really expose yourself much to her if you don’t want to...just check on her condition . This may be complicated during covid. ( I honestly wonder how well our seniors are fairing during this pandemic becasue vital family oversight is impossible ). But , your well being is at least as important as your mother’s. It is not your fault that she is in this situation and it seems as if , she was not a nice person even before the disease started to affect her.
Make a home for yourself. Take walks with your dog, you are lucky to be in a place where it is not cold for winter. Read, paint, crochet, etc ..some kind of hobby that will calm you. Perhaps volunteer at a dog shelter or make hats for homeless... join a church group or even online community since covid , but do something to get involved with people. Perhaps your own children ? You need connection to others. Perhaps sign up for an “inspirational quote of the day” or find one for yourself and write it prominently for each day. Make an effort to smile and be friendly to others..even just a grocery store or coffee shop...what at first you have to force , will start to become ingrained and people will initiate to you also. Having a dog might help with this as they are good ice breakers.
If you insist on remaining with mom ..at least get counseling which is available through Medicare for caregivers. Also they will provide some respite care. If she has LEwy Body there should be no reason she doesn’t quailfy .
please stop putting so much pressure and pain on yourself. You DON’T deserve it . You are a good person and deserve to live a happy life and not be miserable all the time. This is a toxic relationship and you need to free yourself. Let yourself be loved if only by your faithful friend , you dog. Don’t let this bad situation continue to spiral downwards.
Please consult with your state's Medicaid to see what she needs to qualify for their assistance as well as Medicare.
Please consult with her doctor to get her declared "mentally incompetent" so that it is documented that she needs helps from others.
Since she has problem behaviors, she may benefit from a short term stay in an inpatient psychiatric geriatric unit. They can help her to get established on anti-anxiety medications and therapy to decrease her emotional outbursts. From there, you can work with their social worker to have her placed in a memory care unit. Take whatever placement she is eligible for.
Consider starting to separate your life from hers: finances, insurance, housing... so your claims of "hers" versus "yours" will be easier to delineate when it comes to Medicaid.
Once someone is on Medicaid the individual can go to any skilled nursing home who accepts Medicaid. In Missouri the majority of skilled communities have some Medicaid, it can vary greatly from only a few Medicaid Certified beds to some homes who are 100% Medicaid Certified.
If you continue to have problems qualifying her for Medicaid I would recommend you contact an Elder Law Attorney to do the application for you. Your mom could pay the cost of the attorney by using her money and that would help spend down any assets to qualify for Medicaid.
I wish I could reach out to you individually to help you through this process! You could call your local Long-term Care Ombudsman Program to get recommendations for Elder Law Attorneys in your area or go online to the the National Association of Elder Law Attorneys (NELA) to find one in your area.
I wish you the best and let us know how things go!
“I don’t think you will find any help on this site. This site is for those providing care for the elderly, and we don’t enter into the disabled realm.”
We (my adult daughter who is now permanently disabled-a passenger in a fatal car wreck. She acquired a severe DAI TBI & many secondary injuries related & unrelated to wreck. My child is the mom to 4 young children, who love their mom. She was divorced like myself, when this happened. As far as caregiving goes, I’m my daughters only physical help she must have 24/7).
I didn’t reply to the only answer I received because of what it insinuates, I was on the wrong forum. But I do read the questions and reply’s when time allows & put the other in a folder I created on my phone so I could read questions/replies @ some point.
I really didn’t have the time to read this question but I just wanted to see the replies as I could resonate with some of the issues, but the difference is my daughter can’t help or control her behavior because of the brain damage.
She was taking meds that we’re working to control all of this, but the state we live in now would rather see my child suffer in pain & agony at the age of 38 than prescribed the meds that were working to control everything & left her cognitive to rehabilitate, made it easier (a lot easier) to care for my adult daughter at home where she belongs. This way I know she’s living in a safe, loving, caring environment, & not being abused /neglected, over medicated, physically attacked, & so much more if left in a NH.
I have owned & worn that shirt for too long, as I went completely destitute financially trying to keep my child at home the first 2 years after her discharge from the rehab center.
I was left w/out a choice but to place her in a skilled nursing facility (5 stars-FYI: the star rating means nothing plz. remember this to anyone who reads this, & Medicaid paid for this in full). I was blessed to get my child out of these hell on Earth facilities & back home.
But it was to little, too late. They destroyed whatever she had left in her original fast burner rehabilitation, & the will/want to get better, & has taken me forever to get her partially back. But it is never going to happen without the proper medical intervention that is available to her via Medicaid, but she’s not receiving it, or the meds. They would rather keep her brain scrambled & leave her crushed right knee without anything to give to her but Tylenol. I’m sick to my stomach about this move I made on my daughters behalf for a myriad of reasons.
I was given so much erroneous information prior to moving to FL from GA as I researched thoroughly prior to moving us. I could have chosen anywhere to move, but the info I received was like the phrase you always hear... “if it sounds too good to be true, it is.” Believe me, it’s the truest statement ever.
My question: what is C-PTSD?
In both states, elderly & disabled adult were the same entity, & was confused when I recd the reply I did.
My reply to ?-getting mom placed.
I know you aren’t trying to get retaliation for what happened & how you grew up by any means. There’s no way that’s a thought you have. What you’ve been doing for your mom w/out help.
However; I have to let you know or I would have more issues in my head than I have now, if I don’t speak up Re: the prolific problem that happens at every nursing home & in your own home if you don’t keep a watchful eye.
Mom will get everything she did to you & others quad triple fold when she’s placed.
Don’t take what I said lightly. It’s a fact & no one cares about it happening. I don’t know why the individuals & state/federal agencies who are hired to protect these individuals in the care of others exist. THATS TAX $$ WASTED-
It could be useful to start videoing some of her behaviors. Anger, packing clothes to go home, things that show how she really is at home.
Now, on the other hand if she is being denied state assistance because of her income, it means she may have enough to be self pay. As a note, the Medicaid beds for those with little to no income are not always the most run down places. If she is over income for Medicaid, then you take what you can get for what she can afford. Older facility can still be a nice clean facility. If you get a doctor to help you with documentation, a hospital social worker can help find a facility and facility will help with the application for Medicaid and/or self pay figures.
Another alternative is next time she packs her back to go home, call EMS and tell them she has dementia - you cannot physically keep her in the house this time - you are afraid for her safety and your own. Ask for transport to the hospital where you can get other help for placement. You can explain to the attending doctor the dangerous situations she's putting herself in, the dog issue, dead people, etc and be very clear that you can no longer contain her to the house. Physically trying to restrain her is going to result in one of you getting hurt. Let dr and social worker know you have no help, done it as long as you can, and her needs are much greater than you can handle anymore because of the safety issues for her, you, and the dog. Going to a facility FROM a hospital is always much easier than going from home to facility.
Why did you have to take on all expenses except rent? How did she pay them before you got there? You are not responsible for her debt - the bills are in her name and if they go to collections, it would be her name on them.
Clearly this is beyond what you can do any longer. Do what you have to to get her to a doctor who can do an appropriate eval or to a hospital as emergency admit. Sincerely hope you get her moved.
Lisa
First, having gone through this with my husband, the best way to begin is to take Mom to primary care doctor, get him/her to order cognitive tests, get doctor(s) to write letter as to her condition, not to make financial decisions, get elder lawyer, and submit papers again. When I needed to discuss my husband's mental condition, I went to the doctor with him, and I listed every thing he did and said on paper, that made me think he had memory loss. Must have medical decisions on paper, can't just put Mom away, without these papers. If she owns a house, get it sold, with proceeds towards her care. If house is yours, make sure paperwork is in order. To get her to a doctor, say it is for your appointment, hand the doctor your list of thing Mom says, done, and go from there. My husband had 2 or 3 cognitive tests ordered by neurologist. Results of tests helped me know how serious his condition was, and that I needed to make changes in the way we handled financial decisions (he couldn't, by letter from doctor). And, to look for a place for him. You deserve to have a life free of fear, angst, terror from Mom, and begin to smell the roses. Take care of yourself first.
Lisa
When an elder parent chooses when and who to dump all their anger on, that person (too often the daughter, though not always) we fall for the trap thinking we owe this abuser something. Well, you don't - at least not that. We can give them all the help they need, but getting them placed in a home to take care of them. For me placing Mother in Assisted Living was the answer, she believed she had to be a "good" person for them, even though to me she continued to be the abuser. But now I was free to say, "love you Ma, but I have an appointment I must keep." Then leave. Brothers thought to the day she passed she was a sweet loving mother (to them she was).
Using the ER as a "dump" is what you need to understand and then do. When all is said and done --- then find a therapist who deals with this kind of absue and take as long as you need to find yourself again. A phrase I learned a long time ago has helped me - "I love my Mother, I just don't like her at all".
Good Luck, God Bless and Stay strong!
We have similar behaviors from our mothers. (lifetime of abuse, calls me nasty names, never have heard sorry or thank you, demands of me, abused me my entire childhood)
I have also lost my dad and 2 siblings and I have a sister that is estranged from my mother and “only wants to hear about her when she has passed”
I enrolled her in PACE program.
she now has a NP, SW and other Services available. It is so so helpful.
Not sure if they are only in certain states or not? Also, I found and AL that only charges the amount she receives monthly from SS. Her SS income is her only asset.
I go to therapy (learned I do not have to do this for my mother, I owe her nothing, and how to take care of me)
ex: self help
Walks/reading/baths/friends/time with my own family
i also started a anti depressant (lowest dose) helps me tremendously with sleep and anxiety.
pls talk to your doctor.
And, follow advice of above: call 911 and have her taken out of the house.
The hospital will have a case manager find a suitable living situation for her upon discharge. You must be clear and upfront that you cannot take her home.
They will find her a much needed Medicaid bed.
Good luck!
i feel your pain and wish you well. It’s a process but needs to be done so you can get on with your own life!
we only get 1 life so make the most of it. She has lived her life now it’s time for you to live yours.
Screennamed said it very well:
"7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,"
I want to reinforce that none of this is your fault. You have gone above and beyond for someone who didn't deserve the time of day. You seem to recognize the need for healing and therapy, but that it is something to be done later. Please don't put it off. Your healing needs to start now, because YOU matter and your well being matters, right now!
Right this minute, YOU become the priority, not your mother. Keep your dog with you and stay out of your mom's way. Don't answer her demands. This will surely prompt her to create a crisis hoping to snap you back into obedience, and that is when you call 911 and have her taken to the ER.
It's time to end this nightmare for you, and what happens to her is her problem.
Lisa
Yes it will get worse, and eventually she may start wandering and will require 24/7 care.
For yourself .... get the heck out of your mother's space as soon as possible.... she is toxic and your owe it to yourself, your children and yes, your dog to survive to live your life and care and love them!
Pack your stuff and move out. Don't give Mom a number where you can be reached. You can call APS after you leave to tell them you had to move for your own health reasons but it's likely that Mom is a danger to herself if alone.
Or
Next time she falls and goes to ER... don't take her home (to her home or yours!!), pack and leave immediately (if you haven't already). Go to a friend's home or your kids or rent a weekly hotel room until you find your own place. If the hospital gets your number and calls you tell them you don't live with your Mom anymore and have no suggestions as to where they should discharge her. Believe me .... they will find a place for her to be discharged.
I know you want the best for your Mom because you are a dutiful daughter regardless of her treatment but you have done your best for years. If you are spiritual, it is time to let go and let God take over. He will put her where he thinks she belongs at this time of her life. God Bless you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Her Insurance should pay.
Move out of the home and get your own place and call Senior Protective Service and tell them you need your mom evaluated that you don't think she should be staying by herself and sge has no one that will stay with her.
If the Dr thinks your mom is OK staying alone, then let her stay where she is or move her into an Apartment for Seniors Only, it's a lot less expensive and they have rides to get your groceries, ect.
You need to Move Out and get your own place.
If your mom doesn't want to move, let her stay where she is and just visit her once a week to bring groceries or have groceries delivered.
You need to get OUT of the role of her caregiver immediately for your own mental health.
Many people have provided excellent advice below. So, why not follow it?
You will need to protect yourself and your pets from her, as your attorney advised:
when she does something insane, call an ambulance 911 to:
1. Baker Act her, which exists in every U.S. state;
the Baker Act allows for involuntary evaluation, (what some call emergency or involuntary commitment), which can be initiated by judges, law enforcement officials, emergency medical technicians.
Since she's a completely different person when her audience changes:
1(a). Record her, minimally record sound of her being crazy mean.
1(b). get nanny cams to grab hidden footage, to support your case (Amazon or lots of sites sell hidden cameras.
2. ER dump, You'll need to call an ambulance when she falls ...
3. Please place your dog into a veterinarian Kennel, to keep him safe from her abuse, or with a friend... your pup is an innocent target, that needs to be somewhere away from your mother.
4. For you-->In the meantime, please search online for Narcissistic Mother's abuse. You'll find many websites that will provide insight by those who have experienced similar lifelong abuse.
5. You're not alone, so many on this site have written about similar, if not equally as horrible experiences.
6. STAY SILENT ABOUT EVERYTHING; she will use what you say against you.
Be careful about everything, she is capable of doing things you cannot imagine, killing your dog, etc.
7. Understand that your ongoing C-PTSD mind isn't thinking logically, which psychologically shrinks your options, as you unknowingly resist escaping the situation. Her psychological ABUSE is truly NOT your fault. You're caught within an abuse cycle, that your mother has orchestrated for your entire life,
A psychologically abusive individual (your mother) knows exactly what she is doing, she has created and orchestrated an abuse cycle of hot cold moments;nice, mean, nice, mean.... which has trapped you within its grasp, by making its prisoner crave those intermittently bestowed few tiny kind glimpses of who the abusive person could might maybe be... if only you were different, but, it's NOT you who is the problem, it's 100% her.
9. With your new insight, you CAN escape.
10.Please stay in touch, we will be here, to provide your brain support.