My mother has what appears to be moderate to late dementia (says people break into her house while she sleeps and steals things that she, in fact, misplaced herself, confabulates constantly, says airliner contrails over her house are Russian planes spying on her, and many other things). Anyway, I had a severe blow today and I'm not even sure how to deal with it.
Some of the examples I gave above are the tip of the iceberg but this is something new. Her husband was in the hospital and she stayed with him for two nights. As usual, we got called (my brother and I) several times a day to bring her "important" things to the hospital room, such as "not that green blouse that somebody put in my bag, but that red one hanging in the closet at home", etc. So we did.
He was supposed to be discharged today (and was) but surprisingly, we got a call from the Dr. himself about two hours early saying he wished to have a conference meeting beforehand. We thought it would be about new medications or something related. Wrong. He informed us that we (my brother and I) would be contacted (and investigated) by DHR for claims of elder abuse that were lodged against us by my mother.
I hold the hospital and doctor blameless because they're required by law to report all claims of that nature. What they don't know is what my mother considers "abuse". For example, if I'm standing in her kitchen and she tells me she needs a gallon of milk (yet again) and I look in her fridge (which we've learned we have to do) and gently point out that she currently has 3 unopened gallons of milk in there, she explodes and says she doesn't appreciate being called a liar and she'll never, ever ask us to do another single thing for her.
On top of that, she'll call our sister and tell her that we "abused" her, referring to the fact that we contradicted something she said. Which to her is a very serious offense.
Because of these allegations she's now made at the hospital, my brother says he's done. He's moving as soon as he finds a place for rent, leaving me as her one and only family caregiver. I have 4 siblings, but three of them, although they live less than 10 miles away, haven't visited her in years.
I tried to explain to him that I've been dealing with this for years and although what she did was shocking, it wasn't surprising. He's not as used to it as I am and it's just overwhelming to to him to think he's being investigated for something he didn't do.
Are other family caregivers going through similarly severe false accusations of "theft", "trickery", "abuse", etc. and how are you dealing with it?
So much of this sounds very familiar, although we are not "quite" to this level with my aunt. To my knowledge, she hasn't used the word abuse yet, but she is getting very free with her blaming and accusations about those of us who are kind enough to be helping her. Never to any of our faces. Just to each other, about each other. And to other people. Anyone who will listen, really.
I have absolutely feared that one day my formerly sweet (albeit passive-aggressive) aunt will start hurling around accusations of stealing, mismanagement of her bills, finances, affairs.
I have documented the HECK out of EVERYTHING I do, every decision I make, every monetary transaction on her behalf (I am her POA). I've even started recording my phone conversations with her in case she decides to make trouble or deny agreeing to some decision or action. I also talk or email to as many people as I can so that they can corroborate what I've told them about what's been happening with her. Her home care company, her PCP and specialists, The nurse/case manager and social worker from her Medicare Advantage coverage who are helping us support her needs.
Hopefully you've been communicating this progression to some outside people as your mom's situation has developed.
The people helping us who are familiar with cognitive decline and dementia, as well as simple mental illness - which we pretty much think she has had lifelong but been undiagnosed - have been very reassuring about how common this kind of behavior is, and that it is very unlikely that anyone investigating anything would be inclined to believe such accusations from someone like my aunt, or your mom, without some pretty compelling evidence. But like you say, they are required to look into it. That will be painful, I know.
I've been so close to where your brother is right now. What's the point? If I'm going to bust my butt, change around my whole life, sacrifice time with my friends and family, work opportunities, income, sleep, sanity, and all she's going to do is what feels like "poop" all over me...WHY?
I may quit on her yet. That in itself is a complicated, emotional, and necessarily legal business. But right now, I feel a duty to her care. I used to love her. I'm not sure she hasn't killed all of that by now. I definitely don't like her at this point. But I do still care about her welfare.
Good luck! I'll be interested to see what other people say about this.
Then what she just denied saying about you, she'll tell you to your face. My brother made an observation and maybe this is common, I don't know, but he thinks she "attacks" whoever is closest to her and is doing the most for her.
As I mentioned, I have 3 siblings that have nothing to do with her except the rare, occasional phone call (and that's her calling them, not them calling her) and my brother and I are pretty well personal servants, plumbers, electricians, car mechanics, and everything you can think of on call 24/7 but who do you think the darlings are? My brother and I are basically Satan most of the time and our siblings are darling angels.
That is unless one of them fails to answer when she calls. You have never seen a person slapped right in the face be more offended and angry than she is if she calls and you don't answer the phone.
About a week ago, my brother had been to the store for her three times in one day (she likes to "forget" to put stuff on the list so she can call you right back and get you back to her house so she can BS some more and show you some more cat pictures, which is nonsense because we're there every single day of the week)
Anyway, he also called the cable company for her and fixed something else while he was there. I was over there about 2 hours later and she asked me what was wrong with my brother. I said nothing, that I know of, why? So she said "He has me blocked." I said what does that even mean, he has you blocked? She said "He's blocked my number on his phone." I asked her what gave her that idea and she told me that she had called him and he hadn't answered.
I reminded her that he had been there from about 6a.m. until 5p.m. running all over the place and taking care of stuff, why did she need to call him? "I need to ask him something", she said. I told her that he certainly didn't have her "blocked" and that whatever she had to ask him, she could ask him when he came back up there the next morning. However, I would tell him when I saw him to call her, which I did. She claimed that she hadn't tried to call him at all and had no idea what I was talking about. Which is not a memory problem, it's her being angry about him not answering the first time so now she's going to "punish" him by not telling him what her question was.
I promise you my 2-year-old grand-daughter acts no more childish than my 80-year-old mother when she's acting like that.
So, it's looking like I'm going to be taking care of this by myself and just hope to God they don't get me put in prison with their false allegations before it's over.
She pretends that never happened but she certainly remembers it because she refers to that time as "that time ya'll keep telling me I called the police on [my sister]" She knows she did it but she found out early on that even when she's lucid she can blame bad behavior on "my brain tumor", she calls it.
She does not have a brain tumor. She claimed she did so her family dr referred her to a neurologist who ruled out any brain tumor. She said he had "abused her and called her a liar", of course, which is her answer to anybody pointing out that no, the sun is not high in the sky at midnight. She is never wrong, ever, and if you point out her mistake, it's about to be hell to pay for you.
My mother had dementia and hit me once and threatened to call the police and say that I hit her , she even said “Who do you think they will believe ? You or the old lady ? “. Mom also told my sister that I hit her . My sister called my brother and told him and my brother called and told my mother to “ Cut it out “. In hindsight I should have taken Moms threat more serious . She was still home at the time . Another time she did call 911 when she was in assisted living and told the police I sold her house and took all the money . The AL told the police Mom had dementia and was angry about her house being sold to pay for her care . Another time she threatened to claim abuse and get my nurse’s license revoked . I went No contact with her for 6 weeks over that . For awhile I would not visit her alone or I visited her in the common area of AL , not in her room . After awhile she was in her room more and I always left the door open to her room open when I visited . I used to try to gauge her mood . After awhile she settled in at AL and I wasn’t as worried about it . I probably should have been . I know my husband was.
Interestingly enough , now I fear my FIL with dementia is going to start with accusations , as he’s getting more angry and has the perception that we are forcing him to stay in AL where he “ doesn’t belong “. But my husband says he’s not worried about it .
I would say I don’t blame your brother for saying he’s out . I would say go to an eldercare lawyer , maybe ??? To see how you can refrain from being responsible for her , stop taking care of her if you are .
I will be interested in what others say as well as how your situation is going forward . Please keep us updated .
Unfortunately, stopping taking care of them altogether is not an option. Someone would find their dead bodies in the house one day and the authorities would have some very serious questions for us, I'd imagine.
They don't drive and we are literally their lifeline to their doctors' appts, grocery shopping, and even emergency care. For example, this most recent trip to the hospital was the third in three weeks and every one of those times she called my brother and I late at night and said we had to come to her house and call 911. So we did.
You can back out of caregiving, just as your siblings have done. You don't have to drive them everywhere. What you are doing is enabling their "independence."
Mama says jump, and you ask how high?
When we got the Agency of Aging involved for my Mom . The social worker told us to stop doing for them . She said , “ sometimes you have to let them fail”.
Maybe they can help get them placed in a facilty or APS.
It's time to tell the hospital that there will be NO family support provided from here on in.
Let the hospital call APS and get them help.
Are you her guardian?
If your mother hasn't been declared incompetent in court, she is allowed to direct her own life as badly as she wishes
You are not legally responsible to enable your mother's charade of independence.
You need to learn to say "no, mom, I can't possibly do that".
Talk to the hospital discharge department this morning about getting her husband placed. Ask them to assist with notification to Social Services that mother should not be living at home without supervision.
This document will become part of her portfolio as her management becomes more necessary, whoever gets tasked with doing it.
If the accusations are the product of a broken mind, as you assume, it will be necessary for you or your brother, or a custodial agency, to be responsible for her comfort and care.
If she was a good capable parent in her previous life, those who loved her (and whom she loved) can continue to love the person she has become and disregard what she says, if you can do that and still have the confidence that you are doing what is right for her.
I did it twice, with zero regret, and not once in the journey did I consider the accusations to be a true reflection of myself or my LOs’ true feelings.
My most recent LO’s words to me were “I love you too” Spoken with every bit of effort left in her mind and body, I wholeheartedly believed her.
Get documentation in writing of her current mental state. It will free you to decide what needs to be done next.
I just read your reply to LosingItToday.
Sounds like your mother may have been like this before and if she has dementia now it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire .
You better start THINKING about yourself before your ( mentally ill ) possibly narcissist of a mother outlives you .
You definitely need to step way back if you want to live to enjoy that grand baby of yours . Many of us , myself included , had a mother like this and thought we had to stick it out when all the other siblings walked away . My mother is dead now , but it almost killed me .
You are not obligated to take care of your mother , nor be abused , nor put yourself in danger of being accused of things . The county or state can take over her care. Get the Agency of Aging involved or APS . Or if she ends up in the hospital , you tell them you can’t help anymore and don’t take them home when they are discharged .
I’d like to know how so many of these women who have these personalities find a husband to stay with them . Sheez
Why don't they hire aides?
Is the hospital staff aware of this?
Do you have a written diagnosis?
Is your dad cognizant?
And one other question...
Are you living with mom?
You are correct that they have to follow up with any accusation of abuse.
I am sure that any investigation they will talk to the staff that have had contact with your parents and ask if they have observed any "abuse".
If you have a written diagnosis of dementia you can present that to indicate that your mom may not be the most reliable person.
If your dad is cognizant he can also tell the people investigating that there is no "abuse" and that this may be typical reaction for mom.
For my last question.
If you are living with mom and dad...move out.
This sounds like a toxic environment. If dad needs help they can hire caregivers, if mom needs help they can hire caregivers.
Honestly if mom does have dementia it may not be safe for dad to care for her if he is still recovering. And she may not be safe at home alone.
I wouldn't worry too much about the home check. The investigators will figure out what is really going on pretty quick. Just be calm and give them the honest facts regarding the situation.
Example, mom makes these accusations and you get some bleeding heart, fresh from college, going to right all the wrongs against seniors social worker. You get charged based on moms lies. Even if you are found innocent you will suffer consequences, this crap stays in your record. Then something happens to your kid and you need to take your grandchildren into your home, guess what? You will not be approved because you have prior charges of abusing a vulnerable person, now your grandchildren pay the price for this evil thing you call mom.
I, honestly, can not understand why anyone would take abuse allegations lightly. Your life and future are at stake and you hope you don't end up in prison because of her lies? Wooo, that is playing Russian roulette with a batchit crazy, evil thing and could very well be a real bullet to your head.
Bravo to the other siblings for walking away from her. Prayers that you too can wake up and see the actual danger this is to you and your family.
As my daughter says "you made this monster". You jumped when she called. You allowed her to treat you the way she has. Your sisters were the smart ones. Its time to walk away. You cannot help her. She needs a Physic evaluation and medication. Memory care or Lomg-term care. She can't care for her husband and he can't care for her. The State will get them placed and help quicker than u can. She needs professional help.
Why keep involving yourself with this toxic person? What is your payoff? Makes no logical sense to me.
The ball is in your court, she will not change, if you continue to deal with her you will continue to suffer at her hands.
There is only one solution, go no contact and let the chips fall where they may.
I don't get why you think that you will be responsible if they die in their home, you are not, they are responsible for themselves. That sounds like an excuse to me, to justify why you do what you do.
Good that your brother is moving out and taking a stand, too bad that you cannot break away from your self imposed cell with invisible bars.
Your mother needs to go into care.
Doing care giving is one thing. Being accused of abuse after all this is another.
This contact with APS is going to be a godsend. If you are POA I would ask them to relieve you of this POA and help you in resigning through the court (necessary given the diagnosis is dementia). You should not have problem in the investigation due to the diagnosis and providing access to Mom's MD. However, Mom on her own, demented, at the hospital because her hubby was, was not a good thing. You are unable to provide care for someone who will be totally uncooperative in that.
Down now to last and major concern. You say "my brother is moving as soon as he can find rental". Are both you and your brother living with Mom and Dad? Because you need to make that a DOUBLE rental if you are. It's time to move out and leave Mom and Dad to themselves and their own resources.
I am like your brother. I wouldn't do it anymore. I think you and he together should speak with APS on next steps for getting Mom into care.
I am assuming she isn't in care because your father isn't allowing it and is her caregiver, but it is now looking like that is over.
Use this report as "opportunity" to free yourself. This can go on forever otherwise, and as you said, you will be alone in it.
If you hold POA and they have dementia diagnoses, you can place them in Memory Care Assisted Living against their will. Sell their home to finance the cost, and know they're being cared for properly, and safe, w/o a ton of further involvement from you.
Propping mom up at home so she can appear independent, at this stage of dementia, is dangerous and costing you way too much time, effort and now real legal troubles.
I understand feeling the need to be there for mom and to help her, I really do. But now things have crossed over a line where you've entered The Twilight Zone. Something's gotta give or your life will be totally ruined by moms dementia.
You may want to set up a consultation with a Certified Elder Care attorney to discuss your options, Medicaid eligibility, and how to go about handling all of this chaos.
Best of luck to you.