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My75yo mom stage 4ibc in home hospice,not bedbound. Is getting more confused and has memory issues that are starting to become increasingly more prevelant. Being her caregiver and only child(son)this is very difficult for me. Mom always had the answers, was go-to for everything and now literally she cries because she is so confused or "lost" she at times just stares with a glazed over look. I find it hard to accept that mom doesn't know.. a lot of times now.Super hard for me to handle. Much more so than the physical issues. I'm having such a hard time accepting/dealing with this side of aging/,disease progression. Any suggestions?

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I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Educating yourself on all phases of the disease and its symptoms should help you. Your mother may benefit from medications to calm her and ease her anxiety. I suggest that you discuss this with her doctor as soon as possible. The “slow goodbye” is a tortuous process to go through and I understand your pain. My mother recently passed, and for more than six years, I watched her slowly slip away. I chose to get counseling to help me cope and it was very helpful. I wish you strength and peace as you move forward.
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Reply to RLWG54
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Your mom may have metastases to the brain now, causing her memory loss and confusion, unfortunately. Is hospice giving you enough meds to keep her comfortable? That includes anxiety comfort too. Mom should not be crying from feeling lost or confused, but medicated appropriately to where she's calm and relaxed. That would in turn help YOU cope better with such a difficult situation. Please call moms hospice RN to discuss the matter right away. Also ask about seizure meds to have on hand in case they're needed. Without scans being done, you won't know where the cancer has metastasized to, and if her brain is involved. Assume it is.

My mother had advanced dementia and I watched her go from a feisty and outspoken woman to a withered shell of her former self over a 6 yr period. She lived in Memory Care so I did no hands on caregiving for her, and only had to deal with her for visits, dinners, and phone calls. And it tore me up every time. You are dealing with changing dressings for breast and skin cancer in addition to cognitive decline, which must be terrible, I can't even imagine.

You need help and you need respite. Hire someone to come in and give you a break, a caregiver for 4 hour chunks of time. Look on Care.com. Plan to leave the house and get some air, have lunch out, meet a friend, anything.

Learn to hum while you go about your daily schedule.....it prevents you from THINKING and stops your brain from working overtime trying to fix a terminal issue.

Get some counseling. Talk therapy will help you find some coping mechanisms to deal with the extraordinary pain and responsibility that's on your heart and mind.

Go out into the garage and hammer stuff up. When my son was an infant and screamed for 12 hours straight with colic, I'd put him down in his crib and go into the garage and hammer the old wood shelves into literal splinters. It helped me get out my frustration at what I had no control over.

Have a good cry once a day. Just let it all out.

"Tears are God's gift to us; our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
-Rita Schiavo

When you feel overwhelmed and panicky, ask yourself this question: What is wrong at this very moment?
The answer is always Nothing unless your arm is hanging off by a thread. The answer to that question will thrust you into the present moment and OUT of dwelling in the future anxieties or the past depressed,moments.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. God bless you Lwayne.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Lwayen, I'm so sorry you and your mom are going through this. I understand how hard this is.

Watching your mom slowly loosing everything, it's a horrible process and pretty much tourcher for the caretaker.

So we are here to support you though this , vent or ask questions anytime.

It may help you to learn more about dementia, on Google.

I get it , watching my mom deteriorate. Is like watching my kids grow in reverse. We watch are children take there first steps, then we watch are parents taking there last. It hurts!!!

🙏😔
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Lwayne, so sorry your Mom is going through this, and for you being her caregiver. It must very exhausting for both of you. Getting cancer is scary stuff, you are constantly looking over your shoulder to see what is next. Hopefully you have full-time employment outside of the home to help fund your own future retirement plus have health insurance (if the business offers same).


Is your Mom taking meds for her cancer? When I had breast cancer, I remembered being placed on medicine that had terrible side effects such as panic attacks and feeling like my brain was always in a cloud. After 4 years on that medicine, I just threw the bottle out. Sometimes the treatment can be worse then the illness.


Take your Mom to her primary doctor and ask for her to have an Urinary Tract Infection test. UTI's can mimic dementia. If the test comes back positive, it can be treated with antibiotics.
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Reply to freqflyer
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