How to deal with frustration??

Until he had an epiphany in his most recent round of physical therapy that kept him in rehab for the entire summer, my husband was the same way. Bedridden, incontinent, his skin covered with spots of irritations from lying in his back 24/7/365 watching 40-50 year old reruns. When his blood pressure bottomed out in June, I saw my opportunity and had him hospitalized and then sent to rehab. The therapists were phenomenal miracle workers and got him strong enough to turn over in bed and actually get out of his bed and on a walker.

I was guilty of enabling. I waited on him hand and foot, at one point when he issued three or four orders at the same time, I got so flustered I tripped over a rug and fell right by his bed. He was concerned I was ok, but it didn’t really change things. The change had to come from within me, and I’m still working on it. I love him and will care for him as long as I’m able. But I can’t lose myself. If I let him use me and don’t speak up, he will. He is not that demanding or obstinate most days, but he is also 100% dependent on me.

You need to be the change. Mother won’t do for herself as long as you do for her. She has chosen not to participate in her own rehabilitation and you angrily sigh, shrug your shoulders and do it for her. She needs what I call a “Come to Jesus” discussion. Take her to the doctor and get her on some antidepressants. Include the doctor in this talk. He/she needs to pull rank on Mom and tell her that you all cannot and will not continue to be her posse of servants. Either she gets off her behind and puts forth the effort or she will be placed in a long-term care facility. Time to unwrap her from the cotton wool and give her a dose of reality.

I have had a similar experience with my bro in that he has a benign tumor sitting in his brain above his medulla and it has ruined his balance so that he lurches about in a sort of drunken gait. When he was in rehab for a month after a serious accident they improved his balance enormously with exercises and cautioned him that it he continues them his balance will stay improved and if not will quickly go away. He doesn't do them. They are simple. The one foot directly in front of the other heel to toe, and etc. I have done these for years waiting for the bus and they DO help. But no. When I pushed he acted all "I have no control over ANYTHING in my life any more and I will NOT be told what to do". At that point I knew my pushing was hurting, not helping. So gently explained one last time, and moved away from the subject.
For you there is yet another option. To tell Mom that you understand how hurtful, how hard to do, how tedious these exercises are, and know she hates them, but that here is YOUR worry as regards these; if she doesn't do them she will lose strength and become more weak. That will almost certainly mean a move to assisted living, as your back (and whatever) will not handle the care of her at that point. Then tell her that you will only say it this one time; failure to do her exercises could lead directly to being w/c bound and in the care of others. Which would be painful for you both.
Other than that I cannot imagine what you can do.

You are not being a “big baby”. You cannot force anyone to do what you want them to do or what you think they should do. If you continue on this path, the only one stressed, aggravated and frustrated is YOU. I have had this exact situation with both parents. 1st my father..would not listen, use a cane, etc. He fell, broke his back and less than 2 years later is in LTC and will never come out. His choice, and he tells me he will listen now... my mother refuses to admit she has some issues and has only done what she wants to do...she is beginning dementia, but refuses to believe it..she is very hard of hearing and refuses to wear her $4000 aids...refuses to stop driving.. and I got TIRED of being her servant to take her everywhere, make sure she took meds, etc. I told here until she is ready to take the proper actions to help herself, I’m done. And she suffers the consequences. I had no choice...my sanity and life were the price to pay for this. I chose me. I wish you luck, do not let your mother affect your life, relationships, and health. She makes her choices and she takes the consequences.

Goodness, you are in a tough spot and it is frustrating. Arghhh....

As others have said, you can't make her do the exercises that will help her. The choice that you DO have is whether you will enable her to sit in her recliner. If you do her cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc then she will continue to sit there. Sometimes, it's a hard call if she is able to do a chore or not. For example, If it's about to rain, the arthritis may be flaring up more than normal and it's more painful to move.

We had that situation with my MIL. She lived in our basement for 2+ years and had all kinds of health problems. She was in a rehab for a month and did great. She was walking longer distances and much happier for it. After discharge, she walked with me in the driveway three times and then wouldn't do it again (there was a very slight uphill that she didn't like). She had every excuse - it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too sunny, it's too breezy, I'll do it tomorrow...

She had PT coming to the house several times a week and looked at it as a social call. Sadly, the PTs weren't willing/able to convince her to try. A single "I'm tired today" from her was enough to call it quits. She refused to even do exercises while sitting in her recliner.

Watching her do that with the PT flipped a switch for me. I thought, why am I working so hard to take care of this woman when she won't even do a single leg lift? So I made the decision to help her less when possible.

On the days when she slept well and woke up feeling good, I vamoosed from her apartment as quickly as possible. No making her breakfast, etc.

There were days when her vertigo kicked in that she couldn't/shouldn't walk much to be able to care for herself. Those days, I helped her.

She was diabetic. On the days when her sugar was too low in the morning, I would do whatever she needed. One morning, I finally asked her what she had for her night-time snack. She told me she had a pop-tart at midnight. She knew better but did it anyway. That day, I helped her with her essentials (breakfast and bathroom) but no more. She felt lousy for hours but she did it to herself. It was hard to say "no" to her wants (water her plants, do her laundry, wash her dishes) but told her she could do those when she was feeling better. Then, I left. It was hard to walk up those stairs but it needed to be done.

As she got older and her diseases progressed, she needed more and more help. It was a guessing game to know how much help she really needed and how much she just didn't want to get up. Sometimes, she was manipulating me to get me to do more for her than she really needed. Sometimes, I got it wrong and didn't give her the help she needed and I feel bad about that.

All of that to say, that you have a challenge ahead of you. Perhaps, you could make a list of who does what...you wash her clothes/she folds them and puts them away, etc. Perhaps, if it is written down, you will be less emotional about it and avoid more arguing. Hopefully, with time, she will be more cooperative about doing her own care if she knows that you simply won't do it. It will be hard at first to stick to the boundaries but it will help you both in the end if she will do more for herself.

If she refuses to do what she can for herself, then it's time for other options - aides, AL, or whatever solution works for everyone.

Is your Mom getting any pain medication that she can take about 30 minutes before the start of the exercises? I'm not by any means advocating for her to get addicted to narcotics, but pain, and even the fear of pain, could be keeping her from even trying.

Since Mom does PT when working with a therapist and resists doing the exercises at home alone, I suggest looking for a senior exercise class. I personally favor water _walking_ because it's so good for the entire body, but particularly good for the lower body and core muscles. Your mother may enjoy the social aspect of a class or she may be more compliant with the class leader than she is with you or just doesn't wish to appear whinny in front of other class members.

Great advice above. I would add that you need to do whatever you need to do so that you don't find yourself following in your mom's footsteps, so to speak, and become older than YOUR chronological age, as well.

Caregiving seems to be an aging activity. I find myself fighting off the aging effects myself and I care for a person who is "easy" and truly does as much as he can for himself.

PT does hurt. Anyone who has done serious PT knows this. I have after a bad accident and I had to have surgery with steel rods placed on bones in my arm.

I did have meds prescribed for the pain but I am not a person to use a lot of pain meds. I took for only the amount of time I needed it, then stopped.

Now, doctors don’t prescribe meds as often and my husband did extra PT to help combat the pain after his surgery. Doctors do push for PT rather than an over use of opioids.

Some people use certain creams for pain. Ask people on the forum if they know which ones you could try.

Best of luck to you.

I sure feel your pain. I’m caring for my mother right now and she is in bed A LOT. She doesn’t want to do the breathing exercises every hour and complains if I try to get her to sit in a chair for an hour now and then, even though the hospital had her up the day after her surgery. Her non action speaks louder than her words. It took a lot of arguing to get her to start walking. We just had a blowout cause she waited till she was out of pain meds to tell me. I can’t babysit her 24/7 to keep nagging her to do things. It sure does make me crazy that she thinks she is doing more than she is.