Mum has always been stubborn and resisted any help, that is apart from me! She has not yet fully been diagnosed (due to stubbornness) but she’s well on her way with dementia. Lately she thinks she has conversations with the tv and that she ownes 4 houses and knows important figures personally. When I bring up the topic that if she wants me to keep caring for her as well as look after her finances, she needs to put her affairs in order. She just tells me, well of course it’s you, who else! She is divorced and there is me and one brother left (who is in a care facility). I tell her it’s not as simple as that and she cracks it! I ask her, do you want the government to make decisions for you or me and she says “YOU off course, they need to keep their grubby hands off or" (then she does a little cut throat inactment). So as you can see she does not want a bar of anyone else interfering in matters but yet refuses to awknowledge that she needs to do the paperwork to appoint me rightfully. I fear it’s too late and her worst wishes will come true. She lives with me but recently was in hospital and there they scared her by saying she might not be released back home which was a shock. I had to comfort my mum past visiting hours and calm her down. Then the nurse had to again call me at 5am as Mum was crying again about wanting home. The nurse asked me to calm her. In the end the doc released her to say she misses home very bad and it’s clear you guys are very close. However I fear if something like this happens again her affairs won’t be in order! There is no reasoning with her, to her it’s black and white. I take her to the shops, doctors etc and do what she asks me and she is used to it. In her mind, this is not going to change. She likes being independent but having me to rely on. I keep asking her, but in the future.. when you can no longer do these things, do you want me to keep being able to help, and she just says it already is like that. Ughhh
Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
I know you're wanting your mom to "organize her affairs," but someone with dementia, can't even organize their own thoughts, so organizing her own affairs will be next to impossible. It's time to get the guardianship ball rolling. Good luck.
Think that’s part of the problem... she knows by doing this to herself would give away her ability in regards to him forever. The government is his guardianship but they’ve listened to Mum to a certain degree. Like now the government moved him somewhere where he doesn’t want to be and his relying on Mum to sort it. He cries on the phone to her and off course Mum wants to sort it out now. It could not get more twisted honestly.
Granted her confusion at times regarding people on tv/sleep, she still showers, dresses and puts on make up, feeds the cats etc.
I honestly feel her “sound mind” is dependent on if she’s angered or relaxed. I can have conversations with her about other topics and she’ll remember accurate details and comment on them. But this topic angers her and then she loses the plot. Once she’s lost her plot, she’s 5 x worse. It’s the same if nurses / doctors quiz her. I can ask her questions out of the blue like, can you tell me the time, date and she’ll tell me or even a maths question and she’ll answer. If I ask her how much she spent at the grocery store, she knows. If a nurse asks her and she knows she’s been quizzed, she shuts off fully. I don’t know what that is all about?? Is this common? So frustrating! She has always been a stubborn person who walks to the beat of her own drum and has never done something just to appease. When I ask why she wouldn’t answer she says, I’m not going to comply.
Conservatorship gives you the right to take on the finances, keeping meticulous records for her, and to get her the care she requires. Guardianship the same.
It is quite too late for any POA or other "by choice" things to be done.
I advise that the next time she is in hospital this be done. Or you can see an Elder Law Attorney and find out how to do guardianship. This will, of course, require a diagnosis.
It is now no longer in Mom's choice, and it would be "We have an appt with Dr. ____ on Monday; he's asked to see you. And you will follow through in that way.
If Mom is entirely uncooperative in that, then you are down to next hospitalization. Which, of course, WILL COME. If you are not in the USA and you have any other agency to contact now is the time. If you are here, most areas have Counsel on Aging to call to get pointers on how to proceed.
As I said, it is likely too late for POA. That must be conferred at request by a competent elder. Too late for that.
Perhaps you can use that as a starting point. “Mum, I am worried after your last hospital visit who will follow you wishes for my brother if you are incapacitated? If we get your paperwork up to date, I will have one less worry if you go into the hospital again and can act on your behalf re brother.”
Remind her too that by creating POA financial, Representative Agreement, healthcare, preplanning and paying for her funeral, updating her Will, she is not giving up control of her life, she is controlling who will make decisions on her behalf in the future if needed.