My mom has been in MC for 1.5 years. The place is good. There are long time staffers whom I trust, but then there’s that group that’s not as experienced. Different shifts, like weekends and evenings seem to always be lacking. My mom is still mobile and enjoys different activities. However, evenings is when she’s in her apartment after supper all alone until breakfast. Sure, the staff poke their head in to make sure she’s OK, but I get so sad thinking I’m with my family while she is there all alone and confused. Most evenings I either bring her to my house or I sit with and watch TV from 6 to 8pm. It’s hard finding the balance of being there for her and spending time with my husband and my young adult kids. They love her and are so good about understanding our situation, but they would like me around more and not be as tired. I do work full time through the week too. I enjoy my mom and our time. I know it’s limited, but who knows if my time with my family is limited too? You never know what could happen to either of them or me. Time is precious. I could never be the type who could go a whole week without seeing my mom, but I just don’t know how to get over feeling guilt and empathy. I put myself in my mom’s shoes too much. However, I know I’m not my mom. I don’t know exactly what she’s feeling or thinking. I do know she gets lonely though. I know I can’t stop her from feeling this, but I wish I could. Any words of wisdom of how to enjoy either group I’m with without feeling like I’m letting the other group down? Although, neither my mom or my family have ever voiced this. I’m a mess, I know. :)
How do you know that she is "alone in her apartment after supper until breakfast"? Do you know for a fact that the staff brings her to her apartment and she stays there until breakfast? Or does she sit in the common room after dinner?
Going to bed early is pretty common for people with dementia and particularly people living in MC as the routine for staff is to help get residents ready for bed and then into bed. They will start with one person and then go to another. Same when they get people up in the morning so some get up much earlier than others and some get to bed later than others.
Spend your evening with your family.
You mention that you feel "guilty" if you do not visit for a day or two but your post sounds like you are there every day.
Your mom is getting the care she needs, she is safe.
I have young teen kids and a full-time job. Visiting every day was unrealistic, especially as her NH is about 40 minutes each way. I wasn't able to be involved in my kid's activities, it was impacting my work and I was totally exhausted.
I now only go on the weekends. I am happier, able to be more involved with my kids which they love, and in a better place mentally. I did feel guilt initially, but when I realized my mother could be in the NH for years to come, I realized I couldn't continue feeling inadequate.
She is well cared for which is the most important thing to me as it allows me to fulfill all the other important parts/roles in my life.
Explain to your family.
Know also that time is different for our loved one with dementia. They see things very differently.
Meanwhile you are keeping your Mom alive for your family. How do they feel about frequency of visits? Ask them. Ask if it's OK with them that she is there so much. If not you do need to adjust things a bit where you can.
You are doing great, woman. Celebrate yourself.
My Moms AL was not 5 min away. I did visit everyday for 15 min to an hour but I was literally up the street. When she was placed in a NH 15 min away in another town, I visited every other day. My daughter RN, who has worked in NHs said I didn't have to go that much.
You need to slow down. Holding down a job is stress enough. Then u drive 40min to see Mom? Then try to get work done around the house and see ur kids. Moms OK, your family is #1.
It's not a good thing to bring her to your house anymore. It may make YOU feel better, but it won't be helping Mom. You mean well! But as others have said, people with alz/dementia NEED routine. They need as much consistency as possible, for as long as possible. Taking them out, even for dinner and back, disrupts their whole world.
My husband's grandma was in MC. Had dementia. My MIL of course felt bad about placing her (even though there was no other option and it was a great place) and thought taking her out to lunch or dinner would help. And it was okay the first few months or so. But soon grandma was getting agitated to be out. She would insist we take her back ASAP because "they won't let us back in if we're too late". She thought she was out of town and got worried that we couldn't find a hotel that night. Then she thought her daughter was moving away, which upset her-- what was a 20 minute drive to us, to grandma was an 8-hour car trip. Bear in mind, even in dementia she was never anxious or afraid. So when the anxiety showed up, we knew we had to stop taking her out.
She had her own place in MC with her own bathroom, and for days afterward, she'd forget where her bathroom is and it would take days to get her acclimated again. A dinner out was not worth the stress it put on grandma.
As dementia progresses, their world becomes smaller. Anything outside that world (aka MC) becomes unfamiliar and threatening.
Are you ‘guilty’ because she is old? Do you know how she would cope if you didn’t do this? Does she have an afternoon nap so that she can stay awake with you? Has she had the need and the opportunity to try to fit into the normal facility routines? And do you intend to do this for the rest of her life?
At least think about it, once you have stopped being angry! Remember that a good thing is that the site gives lots of different approaches. Best wishes, Margaret
It sounds as though you may be assuming a “fact not in evidence” about her evenings in her apartment. If she’s enjoying a full day of scheduled activities she may benefit from a settling down time at night.
Your efforts to bring her to you are so very well intentioned, but may be doing the opposite of what you’re hoping, and causing you additional stress as well. Have you tried leaving her in her own environment long enough to find out how she manages when she returns from your house in the evening?
I was VERY SURPRISED when my current LO had to be taken from her MC for a doctor’s appointment early in her stay.
We took her to the doctor and had intended to take her out to lunch afterward. We were totally shocked when she got in the car and said “Let’s go HOME”, and was referring to her apartment in the MC! We knew then for certain that she had become content with her own living arrangements.
You are a fine, kind daughter. You have found a residence for your dear mom that you trust. Now just trust a little more that she is receiving good, conscientious care. You can enjoy your family while knowing that all is well with her.
She is lucky to have you!
mindfulness meditation to be helpful. If you search mindfulness on YouTube you might find some guided meditations that you’d enjoy. I also found joy and better focus in composing a list of things that I love to do whether it be to spend time with my kids and husband or go for a walk or read a magazine. Good luck and take extra good care of yourself.