My 98-year-old dad, my little buddy, just passed away last week. I had been caring for him for the past 5 years as his age slowly caught up to him, and living with him my entire life. We were so close as a family, my mom and my dad and myself. My mom passed away in 2015. So the routine of caretaking and daily responsibilities was second nature to me and had become my life. He was relatively healthy for that age, but still needed a great deal of attention. I had a great deal of help from my fiancee who also gave him great care. My dad passed away at home in his bed with me there, and did not suffer. I honestly don't know how anything could have been better except that he were to live. He was generally immobile with no use of his legs and limited use of his body in general, probably from lack of activity. Moving him was hard, and we used a Hoyer Lift for bathroom duties. He had some Sundowning, but only a little. I guess my question is probably the same one everyone would have. What are the tips and tricks to get one through the grief process? I don't seem to be able to remember the good things that I did, only the wrong things that I did. I regret not showing him the Tom and Jerry movie ( He loves Tom and Jerry). I regret not sitting down and watching a football game with him. I feel as if we were so busy caring for him that we didn't take time for him. Does anyone have anything they can offer that I could try to get over this horrible feeling? I have great friends and family and I know it's early on in the grief process.. I just thought maybe someone who had experienced something similar might be able to offer me something to hold on to. I have been a member of this forum for quite some time, and have found very useful things to help me while I cared for my dad at home. There are so many great people out there who have had such harder experiences and who have dealt with them so well. I am always in awe of the questions and comments that I read from the things that people are doing to care for their loved ones. I was just hoping someone would be able to throw me a line that I could think about to deal with my feelings. I am a Christian and believe in Jesus, so I know there's a much better place and that he's with my mom and his family. I KNOW we will be together again and that the veil between earth and the afterlife is thin. I would just appreciate hearing what advice those so much more knowledgeable than I may have. Thank you again for this great forum and great people.
Grief is the validation that we loved someone we lost. It'll take time to resolve. It's not just time, but what you do during that time. Accept your grief, cry if you have to. Spend time reminiscing, looking at family photos, talking about your mom and dad. Lucy Hone's book, “Resilient Grieving” is a good book to help you understand and resolve your grief. How long does grief have to last? What actions and thoughts help us get thru grieving faster, and which holds us back? Death of a LO invokes many questions. What was the purpose of his/her life?
Everyone experiences grief differently. I wish you well in working thru your grief. You are not alone.
You did all that you could for him. And more than many would or could have done.
So please rest easy knowing that you did well.
Now the tough part. the grief.
TIME
I know sounds over used, trite but it is true.
Time will change your perspective on the last 5 years, the last year, the last months.
With grief so fresh it is no wonder you can not recall good or happy moments.
Are you going to have a service or memorial? If so just jot down a few things you remember for childhood ..those will be happy memories from before he was ill, before you were a caregiver first and a daughter second.
Keep your heart, mind and eyes open. He will send you messages. You have to be open to receive them .
One of the notes I keep by my computer...
Grief never ends
But it changes
It is a passage
Not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of Faith
It is the price of LOVE.
((hugs)) to you and 🙏 for the loss of your dad.
And wasting time on the should haves, could haves, and if only I would haves, is not healthy nor productive for anyone.
You did the very best you could, and that is all any of us can do, so give yourself a pat on your shoulder and know that both your mom and dad are very proud of the great care you gave to both of them. That is a real gift you gave them both, and neither of them are up in heaven wishing that you had done things differently, so please be kind to yourself, and rest in the knowledge that you did your very best.
In time you will only remember the many good times you had with your "little buddy" and they will make you smile. That is how your dad would want it.
I pray that God will grant you His peace, strength and comfort in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
Only thing I could add is Therapy; it may help you be able to work through your grief.
Blessings.
It may help you understand where you are and what you will go through. Almost everyday I wish I could turn back the clock.
I would add to take one day at a time. If you need to talk to some,one for emotional support call a 24/7 WARM Line 800# via the internet. Sometimes or many times you just need to cry (period.) You are wired to the caregiver process and now it has stopped, and you need to adjust. Hopefully, you can focus on another friend or family member, or perhaps another LO. I think you will find yourself going through and repeating the different stages of grief as you heal. As time passes you will feel a little stronger then suddenly fall back down, later fall down again, and again. If you can volunteer or do part time work it will help distract you from your grief. There are also grief books and support groups available. You can search for them on the internet too. Life goes on and bills will come in to be paid. Go see your doctor and take care of yourself. Start thinking about your future. Give yourself daily goals. Listen to calming music it helps tremendously. I think you never get over grief, you just get used to it.
There is no room for guilt, unless you did something to speed his journey off this earth.
You can " woulda, coulda, shoulda" yourself into a nervous breakdown, but it won't change a thing.
So cry when you need to cry. Then remember something fun you did with your dad. Talk to him whenever you want or need to. Your heart will receive his answer.
And finally, you now have a fierce guardian angel watching over you.
Hugs from another daddy's girl who still misses her daddy after 36 years.
If you can not find a GriefShare group, it would be helpful to navigate the grieving process with a Christian counsellor. Most local churches can point you in the direction of a caring and compassionate counsellor with experience in the grief process.
While trying to find a group or counsellor, it is helpful to know that grief usually follows a pattern. Dr. Kubler-Ross outlined this as "stages:"
Stage 1 - Denial - those feelings that this is not really happening
Stage 2 - Anger - those feelings that this wasn't fair or shouldn't have happened
Stage 3 - Bargaining - ineffective methods to try and bring back "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression - those feelings of sadness and regret (kind of where you are)
Stage 5 - Acceptance - feeling peace and able to move on in your life.
Praying that your navigate to Stage 5 in good time.
My biggest problem -- and maybe yours, too -- is that I'm now "unemployed." I've been caregiving to one degree or another since 1993 when my first child was born. Now my kids are all grown, and my parents, whose care I went straight into when my youngest was finishing high school, are gone, too. Once I get Mom's estate wrapped up, I truly have no real job to do. I'll figure something out, though.
I do recommend the book, Healing After Loss, by Martha Hickman. It's a year's worth of readings and you only read one page a day, so it isn't too much to absorb at once.
As everyone else said, time is what you'll need. They didn't say "time heals all wounds" for nothing.
Grief takes time to soften; at first it's raw and it stings like an open wound; it hurts too badly to even think about the person you lost. That's okay, it's just how it's supposed to be when you love someone and lose them. Then as time passes, the wound heals up a bit and softens. You're able to start remembering your dad with humor about the times you spent together and how he'd laugh at your silly jokes, or how he'd smile when you cooked something he loved. I remember cooking my dad a sweet potato pie b/c he told me after WWII, the best thing he ate was a sweet potato pie and he'd never forgotten the taste of it. So I baked him one and the look on his face was priceless. I can recall that now that he's passed 6 years; I can think about it and smile b/c the memory is sweet and doesn't sting anymore. You'll get there yourself, but give it time, and give yourself grace, above all.
Wishing you the best of luck allowing yourself the time and space to heal this loss in your life and learn how to live with the empty space your dad left.
Many people who had loving parents, aren't as fortunate, since their parents may have passed before they could get to their 90s
My mom would have been 90 this year if she had lived, and look at Norm McDonald, he did not even make it to 70.
Find a grief counselor to help you put things into perspective.
I attended a grief session where counselor gave these points:
1. Grief is a journey not a destination... you don't climb grief mountain and raise your flag and declare I made it...it changes us, the grief is always part of us, it's the new normal.
2. Allow yourself to mourn the physical loss of their presence, it's ok to cry, and cry, and cry. Do things that honor him in his absence, watch the football game, watch Tom and Jerry and laugh at things your dad would have found funny. Take care of yourself mentally and physically in honor of your dad, he would want you to.
3. We would rather feel guilt than hopelessness. You did everything you could to help your dad, loved him, ushered him to end of life graciously, please don't go through the regrets of things you didn't do... You did what needed to be done and it sounds like above everything else... You loved him.
I hope you'll find peace in this journey that unfortunately we all have to go through.
Thank you so very much for taking your time to lift me up. :)
Guilt is hard. It’s illogical, as so many of us put it onto ourselves when our loved ones would be the first to say that we did a great job. Guilt is the mark of a caring, compassionate person. Nobody greedy or heartless feels guilt.
After my grandmother passed, I felt pretty much the same way. I focused on all the fights, all the bad times. I didn’t paint her rosy, but I kept asking myself why I pushed so hard? So, I sat down and had a “conversation” with her. I closed my eyes and imagined her in front of me. Try to do the same. How would your father feel or what would he say if he read your post? Would he honestly give a d*** if he hadn’t seen the Tom and Jerry movie? Caring and loving, washing and cleaning, helping and laughing - this is what makes life worthwhile. You remove all of that, and that is hell. So, I’ll ask you, what did you give your dad? Heaven or hell?
Give yourself a break, because I swear to you, I’ll bet your dad would say that he got the best daughter in the world. That he was damn lucky to have you.