How to handle situations that come up in the memory care?

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How to handle situations that come up in the memory care?

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Hey all..

Both of my parents are in a very nice memory care. There are a few situations that come up that make things more difficult for me during my visits.

Typically I like to sit with my parents in the back yard of the facility (weather permitting).. and I also bring my puppy.. which my parents, the house dog... and some of the other residents really enjoy.

The problem I have is with some of the other residents (not all.. just the more difficult ones).. some of the staff and family member will see me out with my puppy and bring other residents out there.. and leave them there unattended.. with me to watch them.. and which makes my visit so much more difficult. My visits can be stressful enough without adding other residents for me to watch.

Last visit with my puppy.. one of the new male resident grabbed the leash from me.. and wouldn't let go.. and made a motion like he was going to hit me. This resident was led out to the backyard by his family member.. who took him to the backyard.. and promptly left him. I was extremely uncomfortable with that situation.

Today I went for a lunch visit.. and one of the staff took the same man out as soon as she saw me going to the backyard... and left him there. Its almost like they see me as the entertainment... This makes my visit harder... I know this place is the other residents home too but I really don't think it is fair to encourage other residents to go outside while I am trying to visit with my parents... and expect me to watch them.

I am going to have a meeting next week and am thinking about mentioning this to the administrator.. do you all think it is a valid complaint.. or is this just something I need to deal with?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Memory Care

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It’s not a complaint but a safety issue for you and the other resident. The staff shouldn’t expect you to keep an eye on other residents.

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Staff could be trying to avoid burn out.

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When you see the staff or a family member bringing someone out and leaving them, pack up puppers and Mom and Dad and go back in. You have no responsibility to babysit or entertain anyone but your own parents. What if the man had hit you? Or injured your pup?

And, during your meeting, you absolutely need to address this. A man who has the potential to be violent has no business being left alone with the family of another resident or out by himself with no supervision. Just simply leave and finish your visit indoors.

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Geez Louise, Katie, I'd go ballistic if someone left me with an "additional" patient!

Maybe they think because you have a dog you're a professional on staff?

"I'm so sorry, I'm just hear to visit my mom; I can't be responsible for your loved one". I think that should cover it.

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I'd raise the issue in your meeting, but as a question rather than a complaint. You say that this is what's happening, you don't want it to happen, how can you or the facility manage it. You want to focus on your parents, and you cannot take responsibility for other residents.

You shouldn't have to go inside, or confront staff, let alone another family.

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I agree she shouldn’t have to go inside, but if there are no staff out there to supervise, that means she and her parents just sit out there and tolerate this I’m not sure what the lesser of 2 evils would be. If it were me, I would remove myself from the situation at least until the meeting and then bring it up. As long as she’s not approached by the other residents, the visit can continue, but she and puppy are not there as entertainment and leaving might be a silent but effective way to get this across.

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Thanks for the comments. I do plan on bringing it up in the care meeting.. of course.. who knows if it will actually cause a change tho. I see a pattern of them bringing residents around me.. some are confined to wheelchairs and need help. Its not pleasant for me to have to go running to find someone when they try to get up (which they always do).

I go in there acting like I am having fun (and I think they might think it is a big party for me).. actually it isn't and I do the energetic fun thing to try to have a successful visit.. and often when I leave I am exhausted.

Today one of the residents came out and said.. I heard there was a party going on out here.. so I think they are trying to get them to come out.. which I wouldn't mind if someone from the staff came out as well... or a family member.

My meeting is Tuesday.. so I will update the thread with how that turned out..

Thanks..

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At Moms NH they brought in a service dog. He was trained to be around a lot of people and so were the handlers. You r bringing your puppy for parents enjoyment. Maybe not bringing him each visit you can stop this. When someone asks you where the puppy is tell them he was causing too much attention and you couldn't enjoy your visit with Mom and Dad.

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Speak up.Its totally valid.It is not your responsibility to entertain or watch the other residents.You are there for your own parents.The staff members that take advantage of your pup as being entertainment value for the other residents need to be out there to look after them and intervene when a resident gets out of hand.It isn't fair you should have to worry about being it or harassed by anyone when you visit mom and dad.

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Maybe the staffers are glad to have a break from dealing with some of these residents.

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Valid complaint. Please do talk to the administrator.

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You're making the jobs of the staffers a little easier, as well as giving a break to other visiting family members.

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You are right, and that's what the problem is. It is hard on Katy and her parents, that's why she is asking for help.

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Yea.. I a, sure making their job easier.. too bad there isn't someone to make my job easier when I visit. I notice it is always the residents who need the most looking after that wind up left alone by me.

As far as not bringing in the puppy.. this leaving residents around me happened even before i got the puppy... i also bring in a speaker and play music for my Dad.. and they start bringing residents out for that as well. Sometimes I will sit at a table and just try to have a conversation with them and they will bring residents to sit with us. .. then leave them.. of course.. lol

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When staff brings out residents or brings them to your table, you can tell them you’re going to start drawing a paycheck from the facility. Say it in a half-kidding way. Then tell them you’re having a rather private conversation with your parents (even if you’re not). and could they please take their charges somewhere else that’s not by you. The staff does this because you tolerate it and it sounds like you have for a while. If you stop letting them do it, or if you drop a word in the Director of Nursing’s ear, I’ll bet it will stop. You may get some dirty looks from staff, but you’re not the one who’s imposing on them.

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Katiekay, well there must be something about you, or your parents, that looks inviting for the lower functioning residents to be coupled with you. Do you think they do that with other visitors? All the more reason to speak up. Your silence is like a beacon saying, "We're having a party!" Kidding. :)

I realize Memory Care is much different than AL. We toured one when my mother was having severe dementia and hallucinations from kidney failure brought on by over-medication. So I know what the staff and LO must go through on a day to day basis. However, I thought an AL facility would have more higher functioning residents, mentally at least. These people don't seem chatty or social at all. Many of them just sit in the common area and watch everyone. My mom has memory loss, but she can still play a mean game of Aggravation and a simplified Hand & Foot. I see no one-on-one game players in-house. I will give it a couple more months before becoming concerned.

Your parents are lucky to have each other and such a caring daughter. Let us know the outcome of your meeting next week.

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This is ABSOLUTELY a valid complaint! You are there for your parents and you cannot be responsible for the other residents too, especially when there are some who might become belligerent, or even violent. The family members of the other residents need to be told this also - you are not an "elder-sitter" for their relatives. In the meantime, perhaps a strategy would be to go back indoors as soon as it looks like you're going to end up in this situation and explain that you will not be an unpaid care-giver/entertainer for others.

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I try to be inclusive of the other residents when I visit Dad in the common areas of his memory care unit and who can ignore a puppy? But I won't take responsibility for the other residents, so I would definitely bring up the subject. Agree with the person who suggested you bring it up as a "how can we handle this together" comment, as I have found you need to develop a partnership with the staff.

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When u have your care meeting, please don't pussy foot around. For one thing you aren't given that much time. When I had mine it was more them talking to me and only 15 minutes long. Come right out and tell them what has been going on. Exactly what u posted here. That u feel used. That no aide stays around to take control if a problem arises. You r there to visit your parents not to be entertainment. Just say "I have a problem I need to address", At the meeting will be all the "bosses".

Make sure you post how it went.

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You should definitely mention it to the administrator. You should. It be reaponsible for another person. There should be rules not to leave an elder unattended.

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You and your pup are not the entertainment committee. Speak to the administrator.

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Agree with the majority here, but what would really have me pushed to the limit is that resident feeling threatening to you and ESPECIALLY having MY leash and control of MY little one. NO ONE ever gets hold of my pup. EVER. I am concerned for both you and pups safety, to begin with. Toward that, if you want to continue, I'd suggest a leash I love called Smoochy Poochy. I don't know if it's available here in the US; it's a Canadian company. It's a wide leash with big clasps on either end and multiple grommets throughout the length of it, so that you can make a handle...or wrap it around your waist or over your shoulder...I would just fear the aggressive resident might attempt to unhook the leash from the pup.
Definitely would bring up the issue and put an end to your babysitting. For a while if they take no action, your only option may be to move back inside so the aide will have basically left their patient unattended. Is it one aide in particular?
I would be a rude witch if I had to be.

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Another perspective

Is this a private patio only for those that have visitors when visitors are there? I think the only area that you can expect to be private, without other residents around would be your folks room. Expecting the patio to be yours and yours alone is not a reasonable request. Perhaps the facility should have another caregiver on the patio when there are other residents there. It is their patio too.

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Katie, is there any chance of you shifting the three chairs that you and your parents use, so that you are facing inwards to each other and no-one else can join your self-contained little group? That might help.

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Complain ... they may not realize how stressful for you ... or maybe not care :(

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Report to the administrator!
Sadly, you probably cannot bring your puppy.
Nobody can ignore a puppy.

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Gladimhere.. I'm not really complaining about the other residents being out on the patio or backyard or anyplace in the facility. I'm taking issue with workers or family members taking residents out to the backyard or patio because I am there..and leaving them.. when most likely these residents who need to be monitored would not be out there without a worker or a family member there with them.

Most of the time when I get there ..there is no one in the backyard... but residents are brought out when they see me there... and left.

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Katiekay, I think this is something you can query with the administrator, but even better do it informally on the spot - say to the family member or the caregiver who brings out the person that you have your hands full with Puplet so you can't keep an eye on their charge too. Be friendly, but make it clear that you will not be responsible for elders whom other people should be watching.

Your puppy clearly is a big hit with the residents. Why not suggest to the administrator that the activities co-ordinator might find out about visiting pet therapy services? You could also make a point of taking puppy to say hello to any particular fans before you settle in for your visit.

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Thanks Countrymouse..

I actually have brought up pet therapy..because I do see a difference with the puppy.. especially with my Dad who can be somewhat non responsive.. he has. smiled and talked more.

They have a house dog but she is an older dog that belongs to one of the residents and is very bonded with that one resident so her interaction with other residents is minimal. The house dog does play with my puppy very well.. and seems to really enjoy having another dog around.

My puppy started going there at 2 months old and is now over 6 months.. so. he is getting older now. At first I brought him in a crate ...now I have to walk him in. I am working on obedience but he obviously is a puppy still that needs to be monitored as well.

I will bring the issue up in my meeting.. but yea.. I think it has to be done carefully. I don't want them to misunderstand the issue .. I am not wanting isolation from the other residents when I go see my parents... I just dont want to be responsible for those that should be monitored.

Some of the higher functioning residents do go in and out of the backyard..like my parents. My mom is pretty high functioning so her and my Dad go out there unattended quite a bit. If it weren't for my Mom tho.. my Dad is one who needs to be monitored. The backyard is protected. they can't go anywhere.. but still.. you have residents that try to get up from wheelchairs, walk without their walkers, sit in the sun too long...and like the resident who tried to take the leash and made the motion like he was going to hit me.,, this guy fell asleep standing up... which he could have fallen.

I worry that my complaint will not be understood and their solution will be dont take the puppy in or dont allow others to go to the backyard unless they are attended by someone. (which would affect my parents greatly). The residents I am referring to didn't go to the backyard by themselves.. they were encouraged out there by a family member or a worker.

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Yes You have every right. May want to bring this up to the manager/owner of the home. So the staff can be told you would like to spend time alone outside with your Mom.

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I would suggest saying to the family member as they walk away "Will (name) be ok out here by him/herself? I'm not sure how long we will be out here." If they leave anyway, I would immediately go in and find the closest staff member and let them know that the person was left out there by their family. You could say that you are not sure if it is ok for them to be out there alone....
I would definitely talk to the DON and Administrator and they could address it with the family. It is rude and presumptive for anyone to just assume you will watch their loved one. You could also tell them that you are not there on a pet therapy visit, that you are there to spend time with your parents!!

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Katiekay, it's pretty simple. Just tell the administrator that you are there to visit your parents, and any other unescorted residents in your small space takes precious time and attention away from your loved ones.

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Thanks for the feedback guys.

My meeting with the administrator was supposed to be today... I just heard from her and she cancelled because she has some kind of injury where she can't sit for long periods of time.. this after I took half day off work for this meeting... ugh. The next meeting will have to be scheduled over a lunch hours so I dont have to take more time off.

I hope it isn't a bad sign.. this is the 2nd administrator we have had since my parents moved in. The first admin always had something going on.. she was pregnant and always had one issue or another and cancelled quite. a bit and was hard to get ahold of. She eventually had her baby.. then promptly quit.

Anyway I appreciate all the feedback..who knows when my meeting will be now.. although I could always write an email with my issues.

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How discouraging! Maybe have the meetng without her. The administrator rarely showed up at my mom’s care conferences, but we always had the DON, financial person,social worker, therapists and once or twice, the aide who took care of her. There were 3 administrators in the 3 years my mom was there, too.

In any case, I still would not be providing free supervision for anyone during your visits.

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Absolutely valid. But you have to make it clear to the administration---who may able to get the word out---that you do not want people to come out to you when you and your dog are there. Obviously you have tolerated the situation to the point that it's now a challenge, but it won't get any better until you try to change it (or stop bringing your dog for a while). Regardless of who you bring when you visit--no one should be taking advantage of you by leaving other patients out near you on purpose knowing that you are responsible enough to watch them. Sorry for this---it's a very valid concern.

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Completely valid!!! Do mention it in the meeting. Prior to the meeting, try to organize your thoughts so you can present this in a calm manner. When staff bring out other people, you might want to say to them that your are not accepting responsibility for these other people. I know that the other residents can cause trouble when you visit. I have had this problem. It might help to learn some techniques to deal with them. If possible walk away from the trouble before it starts. I would take my dad's hand and lead him elsewhere. I did have a resident swing at me. I put my hand up to protect myself, but keep in mind you cannot for any reason touch the other people. One idea is to leave the dog at home for awhile. If you need to, there is an omsbudsman provided by the state who handles complaints. Look at the contract that was signed for how to contact this person or check with any government agency dealing with aging in you state or county.

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How to handle situations that come up in the memory care?

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