Mom 'offended' me recently, threw me off. I looked it up, it's common. Prefrontal cortex shrinks, plus as we age, we care less what others think. She's offended others. Think I will talk to her but wanted support and other's feedback and experience. Thanks!
I think when we're younger we may curb what we really want to say to someone because we're afraid they won't like us, or that they'll get mad at us, but as we get older and wiser, we tend to not care what people think of us and feel more free to say what we want. And if someone doesn't like it, well...that's on them and not us.
Don't worry, you'll be there some day too, and I'm guessing that you'll actually enjoy the freedom of saying whatever is on your mind, and not having to worry about what others may think.
It's a gift that comes with age, and one that I'm enjoying.
I'm 65 and haven't lost my filter.........I don't feel I have earned the right to say whatever is on my mind, so different strokes for different folks, I guess.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Good luck to you.
Saying
what she thought, good for her. This was in the 70's.
Now it's like telling me I really need to do something with my hair on days I don't want to take the extra effort. She thought I may not know how bad it looked, she said. I was floored. She eventually apologized after I said she hurt my feelings and my hair is my business. At a Christmas gathering last yr she asked a friend why he was so skinny when his mother and other family members were so heavy (she may have said fat). Family members were there and I guess heard. I just learned this. She has control of all her business affairs etc, very sharp. Thankful for that. I do love her dearly. We are close. She's 92.
And I'm hesitating taking her to my social gatherings. I'm hearing that others have to bite their tongue.
My sister was just floored over Thanksgiving. I don't think it's dementia. Thanks for your ear.
I sure like to tell my kids how I solved problems so they can benefit from my experience. 🙄 And fashion? Pffft.
As our brains deteriorate and we lose our filters, it seems we blurt out all the built up bitterness and anger we used to know was ours to deal with internally. Add in the paranoia that often comes with dementia and we dish out the insults, blame, and scapegoating.
Aging is not a free pass to spew hate or hurtful words.
You say this this is your mother, not your father. It’s possible your mother is in the early stages of dementia. Or depression. Or overwhelmed with your father.
In hindsight, the signs were there for me when my mother announced that, because she was 80, she could say or do whatever she wanted. She wasn’t consistently nasty, entitled and fight-provoking, but the behaviour certainly ratcheted up. Dementia eventually destroyed her filters and I was her prime target.
You’ll learn a lot by how your mother responds. Hopefully she’ll express frustration and regret, owning her words. Misdirected emotional overload. And not anger and denial.
Good luck!
Personally, that's not the hill I'd choose to die on, and neither is her comment on someone being thin when the rest of the family is heavy. Anyone with any sense knows that older people lose their social filters to some extent or another. Her comments don't reflect on you or your sister, and it's not your job to police her speech.
Sure, respond to it as not being very nice, but then leave it alone. A discussion to prevent recurrences of such comments is futile in my opinion.
Mom has not been diagnosed with dementia. I read that as we age our prefrontal cortex shrinks plus we care less what others think.
And is this something that she has said or done in the past?
Since you say mom has not been diagnosed with dementia to stop what she is saying or doing you set boundaries.
If/when she says something that is offensive tell her to stop. Tell her if she doesn't you will leave. If she continues get up and walk out. If you are at her house, get your coat and go home. If she is at your house you can tell her that it is time for her to leave. If you drove her to a location, same thing tell her it is time to leave.
Same if she says anything offensive in public.
She may care less about what others think but she does not have an excuse to offend anyone.
It is possible that she may be developing "mild cognitive impairment" (I really dislike that catch all term though) and some filters are dropping. I would keep mental or real notes about incidents and discuss the increase in occurrences with her doctor. (if you are able to)
My mother had a habit of treating me poorly; when I'd let her know that I wouldn't tolerate it, and was leaving her presence, she'd suddenly become contrite and apologetic. She'd start to see that I was serious about sticking to my guns about leaving if she started up with ugly behavior, so she'd stop. Till the next time, when I'd again either leave or hang up the phone. And she DID have dementia but it wasn't too terribly advanced yet, so she was able to see that her behavior did have consequences. It may be just that simple with your mom, too. You don't have to be mean about it; just let her know that she's hurting your feelings and others' feelings too, and that's not acceptable. So if she wants to continue enjoying your company as well as others', she has to play by the rules of society.
GOOD LUCK!