How to help dad with dementia when he won’t let you and doctors haven’t deemed him incompetent?

Previous bills should have contact info. Contact the billers and change the mailing address. Resident address should remain the same. I temp forwarded my mother's mail, but he will get notice if you do this, which could result in negative feedback! She moaned about it once, but never heard a peep after that. I had to have YB take her out and "sweep" the place for paperwork, no matter what it was, and banking info. She dug out old W2s and insisted someone died and left her money, but couldn't tell who. Once I could get there and see it, I used old tax returns to try to get her to understand. When I pointed out they said Death Benefits because dad died and she was getting his pension, she just said Oh he died years ago. At some point I think she understood a bit, but very little and it didn't stick. She also tried to fill out old life insurance paperwork. I showed her that she got the payment, but she insisted on doing it anyway. Okay, sure mom. Where do you send it?It is the kind of paper you'd hand to HR at work, but I left her with it until the "sweep" happened. One time after that, there was a glimmer of memory about it, but she couldn't quite remember what it was. After that, ancient history! No reminders, no memory.

Most billers don't care what the mailing address is, so long as they get paid. I used my PO box as the address. It does mean getting all kinds of junk mail sent there, but you can just toss it! If he doesn't get the bills, he won't be paying them. Hopefully he won't notice the lack of bills. I did NOT need to use POA for any of these. The only one that required POA was the credit card she had. Even with POA, they were a pain about it. I think this relates more to "digital" access, which most POAs didn't handle properly. Hopefully attys wise up to this and include it going forward. When I contacted the town to get one quarter tax bill needed for doing mom's taxes (she misplaced that one), the woman even offered to change the address for me, again without any POA provided.

Banking statements might require the POA to be used to make changes. You could ask them about it and see if they'd be willing to change the mailing address for you. If not, it will have to wait until you can get the Dx needed to activate the POA. I'd be having serious chat with doc!!!

My mother was in the early stages of dementia at that time, and living alone. Asking her to take over when she expressed how it was getting hard to manage, she said it gave her something to do. I left it alone for a while, until I started noticing mistakes being made. I did take her with me to one bank to close the account and to the primary one to make the changes. I used the POA even though we had no Dx at the time. The first bank I had no relationship with, but they accepted it (mom said nothing either time, just rifled through her wallet and purse!) For the primary account, mom had added 2 of us previously, so that was helpful.

I also had to sign up as Rep Payee for SS. I was doing like most do, letting it go to her account and using it, along with the pension, to cover her expenses. This is actually not allowed by SS, but in most cases they won't know. After moving mom to MC, I needed to change the mailing and residential address, but POAs are of no use with any federal entity (her pension was also federal - that was another whole nightmare!) The paperwork that came with the application states clearly that NO ONE is allowed to manage another person's SS funds unless they are Rep Payee. You *could* try this, but like the forwarding of the mail, he WILL get notification that you are doing this and may start WWIII.

At the least, get all the billing addresses changed, either to your address or better yet, a PO Box. His funds should pay for the PO Box. If you can get the others to change the mailing address, great. Then work on that doctor.

You need to get him a Neurological eval. Take a list of things you have seen and his limitations. This way the doctor will know what questions to ask. Right now your Dad is "showtiming".

"Keep in mind that some patients are still able to feign normal functioning in high-pressure situations, such as doctor's appointments. This frustrating phenomenon is known in the dementia care community as “showtiming,” and it can hinder a timely diagnosis."

Eventually, he will not be able to do this. Right now he is probably aware that something is wrong so thats why he is addimate about doing things for himself. Can you approach it as "lets do the bills together" "you are on a fixed income so some bills you pay and some bills you can wait on"

My Moms handwriting was not understandable. So, I wrote the checks and she signed them. As time went on, I just wrote the checks and signed my name with POA behind it but I was also on her bank accounts. Then she couldn't reconcile her statement. So I did that. She knew enough to tell me I didn't reconcile the way she did.

Until you can get a formal diagnoses, there is not much you can do.

Apologies if I should have said *Super Man* husband & father! (Should never assume, bad me).

Your profile mentions you are an OT, excellent! So you know about assisting folk to do what they can & how to avoid 'disabling' them.

Unfortunately this also comes with a possible downside. Let me explain: as a professional in the medical/social field + a female, + capable wife & mother puts you in the *wonder woman* category - all other family members may say "she's got it all under control" as they melt away into the non-assisting roles. (Hello siblings?? Anyone there...?)

Your goal to convince Dad may not work. But minimising risks to keep his safety as good as possible may be. The bigger aim may be being his advocate, as his needs increase / things go start to go wrong.