She and her husband shared a room. One of her daughter's visited daily until prohibited. She is very lonely and begs for her daughter to take her home. She has said she will climb out a window. Sometimes she is aware that her husband died and sometimes she wonders where he is and wants to go looking for him.
I am so sorry. I feel for you both. This is such a hard time.
I truly do not know how to talk to her--obviously you aren't seeing her either, since the lockdown. You can talk to her on the phone or SKYPE (VERY difficult wiht someone with dementia!!) and just try to shift the converstion to other people, things she is interested in. She may want to dwell on the fact her DH has passed or she may just assume he has gone someplace else.
Does the NH have someone she can talk to? I am not skilled at 'dementia talk'.
Every older person I know is lonely during this time. I'M lonely and I'm home with DH, who is now treating this shutdown as some kind of sleep-cation. He never got out of bed the last 2 days. Says this is what retirement is going to be for him.
A person with dementia--someone said it can be like that movie "Groundhog Day' where the day is the same over and over and over.....if you repeat a GOOD day, that would be OK.
How are you related to this woman?
Any change in routine effects someone with dementia, you need to be realistic about what you can and can not fix. You can get medication for anxiety which helped my mother tremendously but isn’t a cure obviously.
The reality is basically as to cost, one week with 24/7 care equaled one month in her facility. My mother could afford it, most can’t . You need to be realistic about your ability to care for her without help or you are placing her in another unsafe environment . Can you get some care in exchange for what You are paying for her facility now? In my area it’s $23 an hour for an aide , not a nurse.
Perhaps the facility staff can help you before each phone call as to the state of her mind each day. If she’s having a relatively cognizant day, then you discuss what really happened. Perhaps on the days she has forgotten, there’s no need to traumatize her, and since she will forget what you have said anyway, maybe you could just make up a story. He is sick and seeing the doctor. He has gone to visit a relative. He is running errands? If her dementia is progressing enough, maybe saying he is at work would suffice on certain days? With my mom, on the days that she is particularly confused, her memory is a little back in time anyway and the “at work” story might suffice.
It seems it would be more kind to tell her some white lie like that on those days that she is so foggy that she doesn’t even remember that her husband died. Maybe on those days, there’s no need for the pain—for her or the family.
I hope that you have the resources of kind and compassionate staff at the facility that can help (especially first thing each morning), and you can make sure that everyone’s on the same page as to what and how to tell her.
Depending on the security level of the facility she’s in, if she is wanting to go look for him on certain days, you might look into some of the various options that can track her or at least identify her if she wanders. I would agree with the other comments that bringing her home isn’t necessarily the answer right now. Her home environment likely has far less security and resources.