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I am 52, my mom is 82. I have an an older sister 62 that now has health issues but has basically cut herself out, another mentally handicapped but functional older sister 59 that lives with my mother, and a leach younger overweight diabetic loser of a brother that lives off my mother because he can't work and he's sick all the time because "he's diabetic" and he does nothing to control it. Now, my older brother who was also living with my mom but has passed used to be her primary caregiver. Both brothers have been addicts and my younger still goes to the clinic for methedone. He gets his butt up for that.
Now me, 52, I live with my husband, work full time, am going to school to have a better career and make more money so I can one day semi retire but still work from home since I'm behind the 8 ball in that respect due to an earlier divorce. I was a stay at home mom during that time. What do I do? My youngest is 18, he's in college, my oldest 25, he graduated and is working. I use my precious days off to complete assignments for school that would normally be given a week to do but I cram them in best I can so I can hurry and be done College.
My mom calls to call and ask for help and I don't have time to wipe my own butt. And I feel guilty because I'm the most RESPONSIBLE of all the kids in the family.
We do have 1 angel of mercy, my deceased brothers' best friends wife who consider my mom their mom. But I feel guilty everytime my mom calls me, and I'm usually at work and I tell her I can't help I'm working. AND in this equation, I am the only one actally working. My older out of the picture sister works but she has her own issues.
My mom on a constant basis tells me about how quiet it is at the house because of my brother dying and my handicapped sister is sad. Honestly I've made peace with my brothers death. He abused his body with drugs and was on methedone when he passed. My mom is still blaming the physician and she is acting the same as when my dad died. It had to be someones fault.
Now my mom is concerned with paying for future funerals for my sister(fine with me) and my loser brother that leaches off her since he was a kid (not fine in my opinion) I refuse to go over there because I detest my brother and I don't even want to speak to him he makes me so angry. I've told my mom this, and she says that's not fair. But she's the enabler and allows him to be there, eating all her food and doing nothing around the house. The boxed christmas tree is still downstairs. And on top of this, HE brought bedbugs into the home bc of public transport to the clinic. Now I can't really in good conscience go in that house and risk my own. She's had it treated, but they returned because he brought it in again. Its since been treated.
She gets all depressed and calls me, but what can I do, she is letting this happen and if I say anything about my brother she gets mad and says we can't change that.
What do I do. I have to have a career, I put my life on hold for kids now I'm getting all this, and I don't care what anyone says, you can't free yourself from guilt. Especially from moms. Someone tell me something I can do.

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That's a tough spot to be in and I understand any decision will come with quilt. That's just the way it is for caring and compassionate people. I think the key is to trust your decisions are coming from your heart and not the mind games we play on our self that fuel the doubt and quilt. I suspect the others know how to push that quilt button and you need to trust in your decisions. The best chance you have for others to start stepping up is for you to step back. God Bless
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What kind if help is she asking for? Has she been seen by a doctor for her depression?
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I have had very similar issues in my own world. Mom is now 86 with mid stage ALZ. But for the last 30 years, she has enabled my 2 drug and alcoholic sisters...one who passed 10 yrs ago and the other who has now had 2 strokes and has cancer. She has also done the same with 3 of my nieces and nephews. I worked FT until a year ago when i was forced to retire due to a company merger...it was retire after 34 years with the same company or move out of state to Arizona. I have lived with the same frustrations as you. I have learned only in the last year that i cannot control what mom decides to do...i cant change her. She refuses to do what she knows she should...say NO to those who use her for money. She finds it impossible to do...so i do what i can to help her when needed but i have to have my own life and take care of myself and my family as well. Its a matter of coming to terms with not losing yourself and your own life, and its hard to do. But unless you have POA of your mom, theres nothing else you can do. My mom is still considered competent so even though i do have POA, i must be careful when/how to use it or she could revoke it...and i need it for the future when her she loses whats left of her mind. Its a hard, frustrating, stressful thing to watch people take advantage of a parent, but you have to come to terms with what you can control and what you cant...and take care of the life YOU have been blessed with or you will look back and regret it. We just cant control other people...we canbonly do our best.
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I agree with Perseverance64. You need to build yourself up and be strong. You can’t really help anyone if you let them tear you down (through guilt) and become weak. Continue to be the loving person you are, but also love yourself. Know your limits and establish your boundaries. Good luck.
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Kitty63, it is better to feel quilty than go against your better judgement and end up hating yourself for giving in to that quilt.
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I agree with Perseverance 64, too. Do you have a local Area Agency on Aging that you could call? They would know about hooking your mom up with home health aids, nurses, etc. Or call your mother's doctor to get Visiting Nurses to evaluate the situation, get a social worker on the scene. You can't change your mom and she doesn't have the right to expect you to pick up the pieces.
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Interesting. I'm interested that your mother says "we can't change that" in reference to your brother's failings. Actually, she can change that - or, at least, she can change the degree of impact that they have on her. You can't, though.

Your mother's demands aren't at the very extreme end of the spectrum: the trouble is that your schedule is - quite rightly - already too full to accommodate them. So she will need to look elsewhere for help, and she would need less help if *she* dealt with *her* issues. Her adoptive "second daughters" so to speak are free agents: be grateful for their input but don't feel beholden because of it.

I suppose what I'm emphasising is that at the moment your mother's issues are her issues and that's the way it should be. The power to resolve them is in her hands, which you already understand. I appreciate that you still feel bad for your mother, sorry for her problems, but you seem already to have a pretty good grip on the realities.

The realities are regrettable, but not within your power to alter. I know you have already got this. Perhaps if, every time you feel guilt, you remind yourself that what you actually feel is not guilt but regret for your mother's sorrows it might help to restore perspective.

Do you also feel angry with your mother, though? How do you feel about your late brother's relationship with the family?
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Guilt Is a form of FEAR.
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The kind of help is driving her to drs appts and food shopping or cleaning her house. I don't have time to clean my own house, nor do i enjoy doing it. Am i really going to clean a house of 3 adults? No, im not cleaning up while my brother lives there. He is not welcome in my home let alone being near him and having to interact.

IShe used to ask me to food shop and i said i really can't mom. I told her to use delivery. I would if my husband didnt do this chore. She sits at the computer anyway, but she said it takes to long. Why is my time less valuable than hers? I work full time retail in a job i hate as a manager, 50 hours a week, my time off is precious, my husband does our food shopping because he knows i hate it and its because im on my feet all day and the last thing i want to do is walk more. I've already been to the vascular dr and my surgery was declined by insurance. Ive also gone to the foot dr for other issues.
Why is it that i can see that i would prefer to downsize the mountains of crap in my life yet she has our childhood home and tons of crap. She has knee and varicose veins and her ability to walk has diminished, she has to constantly pee and her house is a split level with stairs. She wants knee surgery but they won't do it without getting veins taken care of first. She's 82. She can't live in that house but she won't let anyone help her sell it because she worries about my loser brother being homeless. I just shake my head and i know who will end up doing the dirty work with all the crap and the house when the time comes.
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Who will end up doing the dirty work… Who do you have in mind? I hope it's not you! In fact, let it not be you. Make that resolution now. You're successfully building your own life and a decent future. Let the childhood home go, and let the people who are in it deal with it.
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You haven't accepted POA or anything like that, have you?!!
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As Countrymouse said, those are her problems and she can solve them if she wants to. No reason for you to take on anything.
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Country mouse, my older brother even though he was on methedone, was never a narcissistic a--hole like my younger brother. But my eldest brother lived at home and cared for my mom. U have to understand my mom is strong willed and worked until she was 80. Then after she retired on her birthday it was like she cavelcaded withe medical issues. My older brother cared for her made dinners for everyone, cleaned and was jovial but he was used up from drug use on the inside, and he landed in the hospital while my mom was in a care facility after her pacemaker surgery. He died and i was the responsible person for both, working , visiting, doing her bills, my older sister would visit. We actually got started on cleaning in my moms house throwing out stuff. Its like my mom is a hoarder and in a way she is, but its in the upstairs bedrooms. And i look up there and its like we ever did anything.
Yes i think i am angry with my mother for allowing my younger brother to take advantage still and she allows it. But hes so fat and his diabetes is uncontrolled, and he now suddenly feels the need to know everything i talk to my mom about, so he extracates himself from the sofa to come listen. Too little too late and his brain is f--ked up by drugs. Imo. Anyway i finally had to be firm with my mom last November when my eldest sister ended up in the hospital with a heart attack and uncontrolled diabetes and i had to say "mom no, you cannot ask me to be responsible for her too" . plus my sister is antisocial and called me once last year. Our family is so screwed up but what it comes down to is 2 drug addicts and my mom who turns a blind eye bc its easier.
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Yes poa, and on her checking account. Why?
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Ah.

Because as long as you have POA you can't just walk away. Pity.

Though as long as your mother has capacity, you also don't have the authority to make financial decisions on her behalf.

So at the moment, as things stand, you have a whole heap of responsibility without power. Which is Not Fair.

Not that I don't respect you for being willing to stand up and be counted, but just a reminder: you can always resign POA. In your position I'd be very tempted.

How do you see things going on from here?
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Does your Mom have plenty of money and assets to last her the rest of her life? Is there a will? A Trust? Was there a lawyer who did the POA that you have? Is the POA fully invoked? In other words, is Mom competent or not competent at this point? Perhaps you are like me....only POA really for finances, but Mom is still considered competent for making her own health and other decisions? At any rate....my point is, perhaps you can arrange to get her set up with an attorney to discuss some of these things to plan for her future...especially if she doesn't have a lot of assets to support all the needs of these siblings. Getting an elder care attorney involved, means perhaps that person could be a bit of a 'bad guy' who tells her that she's going to run out of money and not be able to care for herself if she continues to let these kids take advantage of her. Perhaps there is help and housing for the son who lives with her....so he can pay his own way somewhere else? I mean, really, what is Mom going to do when she runs out of money and these needy siblings are still around needing free housing and food? Are YOU going to have to step up and take mom in after she has to sell her house in order to have money to live on? Seems, another option, if you really feel that siblings are taking advantage of Mom and leaving her in a tenuous future....is to call in Adult Protective Services to evaluate. Does the brother who lives with her get any kind of income? Does he contribute anything for his own food and housing to the pot? And how can you have financial POA and yet have no say so in how the money is spent? Seems to me, you need a long term plan to assure she can be cared for the rest of her life...and perhaps that will not be in her own home? What if she does have to have knee surgery and then would have to go into rehab for awhile for the therapy that comes after knee surgery for everyone? What if her health further fails to the point where she must be in Assisted Living or go to a nursing home? What is the plan to pay for that care? What if she need hired caregivers to come into the home for her? They will not cook or clean etc, for others who are living there....just her. If the son with her really cannot make it on his own, perhaps HE needs to get on Medicaid and find his own group home to live in for the rest of his life? If these siblings are all thinking that they just get to stay in her home the rest of their lives, all must face the fact, that before Mom dies, it's possible the house must be sold to pay for HER care and if you want a life in your own retirement years, you need to make your own NO very clear UP FRONT!! I've been there....with my own mother... this is a rough path to walk....and I don't have siblings left who are getting in the way of the plan. Only the difficult mother. But, clearly, there needs to be a plan for Mom to preserve her assets for her own care down the road.
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Well it's split. We have an income only trust that has me as trustee. A trust for my handicapped sister with me as primary trustee, my oldest son as substitute. I have Durable POA and my older sister is the substitute. but the division of property is split between all living children.
I am the person of which would be able to discharge any money to my brothers, now brother. As my mom knows what a large sum of money would do to him.
Advanced Directive:My Deceased brother and I were the ones to make medical choices for her, but he is deceased so she wants this changed.
I am the executor, and she named my deceased brothers best friend as substitute. In case of an issue. Good choice imo.
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My mother has a financially comfortable retirement. Physicall no. Financially my father was a career military and she receives that plus she was a state worker so she has a pension and also social security. My accountant handles her finances and helps her with her needs there she comes to my moms house, my mom thinks she's great. And I know she will be invaluable down the road. My sister that lives with my mom recieves state aid as she is handicapped and my mom pulled her out of group situation because she was being taken care of the way that she thought was appropriate. And I get that. She had some shady people she had lived with and being with my mom is better. She goes to a day program everyday but friday.
My brother gets assistance because hes "disabled" NOW. Before he was just not working. He goes to clincs for methedone and what other things ail him all on our country's dime. Don't get me started. But he does buy some food, but it's HIS food. What my mom buys is Everyones I guess. He pays nothing to my mom. She buys him cigarettes and gives him money for transportation too.
I don't know how she would take to protective services getting into the picture but I will tell you, it wouldn't end well. She claims my brother who is a MAN in all respects except mentally, had ADHD or some Autism that was never caught , because it didn't exist or didn't have a name when we were young, so she blames herself and ultimately makes herself responsible for him. He's a leach. You grew up and took drugs of your own volition, now you're going to pull the autism adhd card? How did you last until your 40's get married have 2 kids, divorce then end up in my moms house again. Makes me sick.
Now because I don't go over there much because of all that, everytime I do go I can't get out of there unless i've spent like 3 hours there. And nothing gets done. It's depressing because she should be able to afford to have someone come in if she didn't have to be embarrassed with her surroundings and her current unwilling to work tenent.
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I agree with everyone. If it Mom was willing to change the situation, OK, but she isn't. She has no support system because she allowed this to happen. If u get involved, u will end up being the bad guy. And it will be harder to get out. Where I live there is missing for seniors to get them around to appt and and shopping. Find it The services in her area. Give her the list and you're done it duty. The only one I'd worry about later would be the mentally challenged sister. All the others can fend for themselves. Don't get sucked in.
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WOW! I feel very sorry for you. I guess, if I put each issue on its own, I would do the following: Now this is ME, and I will leave what you do, UP TO YOU.

1. Hire someone to get that home fumigated NOW
2. Hire a Home Health Care Giver NOW
3. Call anyone who has control over the elderly care in your County. Explain to them what is going on. Get someone with authority into that house SOON and they will make sure your mother is properly cared for.
4. You have already made up your mind that your education and work is best for you and your family. You obviously have made up your mind that you will not be the caregiver.
5. Put your brother out of your mind. The one living there "sucking" off your mom.
6. Explain to your mom, what you are doing. If she knows you are serious, she may make her own move to get her son in order. You are not responsible for her decisions. If she is incapacitated, then you are even more responsible for reporting this abuse.

Take a deep breath and get this done. Let us all know how it turns out. Others may have better suggestions for you. God Bless you
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I did not read the part about you having POA of the financials. I would give that up in a heartbeat. But, it sounds like her second choices are not that good. WOW, what a huge problem for you to deal with. I have you in my prayers.
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Talk to your CPA. There may be things in the DPOA which are beneficial to you later. Tell him the whole story. The trustee is going to be really difficult for her to change even if she gets mad, though the will won't be. You can pay people to manage the trustee position, and you can pay people to discharge the will. If there won't be much remaining once she's gone, I think I would tell her I just don't think I'm up to executor, to have the atty do it for pay.
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you might just have to tell your mother, I am sorry to hear the problems you are having but at the moment I don't have time. maybe you could suggest that she hire a house cleaner to come in once a week to help clean. of contact the local office of aging and have them come to the house for an inspection. they might convince her of the situation at hand and the possibility of being reported. sounds like everyone wants YOU to be their caretaker. just tell them you don't have time.......or don't answer the phone.
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I agree with many of the above comments especially Oregongirl. figure out the immediate needs and get those started "NOW." To this I would add the following: If mom is OK with the CPA coming out to house, she should be OK with the lawyer coming out to the house. Have them come and see what's going on in that house and how you really don't have time to deal with it. If you wish to continue as DPOA, Exec and Trustee, (big gulp, maybe you should not....), then add to this, Medical POA-- which specifies you have power to control her living conditions. Then, kick out the bum brother (have Social Services place him OUT of mom's home and if necessary get a restraining order against him on behalf of mom (financial abuse & health risks). Hire 24 hr health aides to help both mom and sister. Of course that will get expensive, fast. .....long term the best would be for mom to use ALL her funds to provide her own needs and let Social Services take care of all disabled (by any means) siblings...and the SOONER you do all this, you can get your own life back.
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Its not always easy to kick out people who have resided for a length of time. Especially if paying rent, which I'm sure they don't. The only one I would worry about is the mentally challenged one. Would she be better in a group home? The diabetic brother won't be there much longer if he doesn't take care of himself. He'll die of a heart attack or lose a leg. A suggestion. If he ends up ina hospital /rehab and will need care, this is when to tell the Social Worker that there is no one to take care of him at home and he needs a nursing home.
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JoAnn29, my sister does pay her share, she gets paid from the state medicade due to that from birth she is mentally challenged. She does things for my mom but she cannot be her primary assistance as she is limited in her mental level. AND NO the group home situation is not good, her teeth suffered and she never got to the doctors when she should and the idiots that maintained her bank account would notice that she had too much money in there and the state stops paying you if you collect too much money, and they would take her out to spend money on stupid stuff. When she should be going to the dentist, hair salon, you know, maintenence. She also got fat because the group home people feed people horribly and save all the money and good food for themselves. She eats better and is better served with my mom. She is very high functioning but she will never drive etc.
The Brother, well yea we can only hope right?
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I understand about ur sister. Well, stepping back may be the only thing u can do.
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If she has to look elsewhere for help, and she starts exploring getting services into the house -- like meals, senior aides, nurses, homecare, etc., somebody is going to report the house. Then they might evict the brother due to the repeated bug infestations, or take her from the home "for her own protection" and put her in assisted living. Alternately, you could just keep mailing her brochures from assisted living places, with notes from you, showing her that the move and the expense is do-able and would save a lot of heartache later. "I just want you to be safe and comfortable mom in your later years."
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I don't agree with the "look out for number one" answers here. You can't help her a lot, and I'm not saying you have to be her caregiver, but figure out small things (like sending letters/see above) you could do, that would have a big impact. It is not a guilt trip but a fact, that because of your relationship, your family, and who you are, you are the only one who can.
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kitty63, please, do not sacrifice your schooling, your time with your children ~ this is your time, to do exactly what you've set your heart's goals on. The situation has existed for many years, yet the passing of your brother seems to have escalated matters or permitted depression/negativity to creep into their household, just like the bed bugs. i, too, lost a brother 3yrs ago, and mom wishes it were me that died. He passed due to 'chronic ethanolism' [alcoholic]. How horrible to see that on the DC! Years ago, he should have been forced to stay in the rehab facilities, but she bailed him out each time. Love doesn't always go where it's supposed to; and it doesn't validate that the right decisions are made, imho. But please ... keep your thoughts and your goals on track. Right now, you can't do anything, legally, to alter things, and anything you do on your own will be met with MUCH resistance - only exacerbating the negativity, which you do not need to invite into your life. If anything, my only advice would be to introduce music into their lives -- perhaps mail your mom a CD or whatever media she can play - of her favorite songs - even if they are from years ago. There are many still available in cassette, etc., even if you need to search online. We used to get a catalog in the mail, [sorry, forgot the name] and the choices were astonishing - all genres - and the albums were available in any media of choice - vinyl, cassette, CD - etc. Mom loves Daniel O'Donnell, or Patsy Cline, and Dad loved Hank Williams and other Country Western singers. In a short time, the personal and household spirits lifted and we were singing - even when the music wasn't playing. Music truly is a way of stemming one's heartstrings. Before Mom's traumatic fall 6 mo ago, she was actually dancing to 'Waltz Across Texas With You..." and many of the other O'Donnell tunes. His 'Footsteps' helped my heart heal after loss of my beloved lil dog. Mom has a beautiful singing voice. But perhaps _mailing_ the box [people love surprises] of a few tapes/CDs may massage the guilt. Sounds like they are just plain getting used to using guilt and complaining as a refrain to tug you apart. Please do not let that happen. For your sake, your future's sake, and for your childrens' sakes. Thank you. Please take good care of motivational/inspirational sites that will help you keep your faith, hope and sanity in good stead. i love http://www.simpletruths.com - free videos to watch [or small books] but oh my they are worth their 2-3 minutes it takes to watch. If you call, keep the conversation to LESS than 5 minutes. Any more, and they will take advantage of it, okay? God bless ~ and smile and sing as much as you can while doing your homework at a proper relaxed timing. Don't sabotage your efforts and goals. You've come too far, and they mean so very much to you. We want to see you upload a photo with your graduation cap on!
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