I take care of my 86 year old mother during the week. Goes to brother and SIL weekends. I wanted to take a bit more time at home, so I researched medical alert devices and in home caregivers. A friend has one for her 90 something year old parents and provided a referral (no covid so far, very careful).
I mentioned this to my mom and she seemed fine with it. I sent brother and SIL an email with the details. Here's the response I received:
*******
I talked with Mom...
The reason Mom stopped in home help was due to covid, and that hasn't changed for her. Mom is wary of being exposed. So Mom doesn't want in home help at this point.
Mom also doesn't think she needs a medical alert device, and she asked, "who pays for it?" Send me the info on what company, etc. you were considering so I can tell her about the cost, commitment, etc. I don't want cost to control over safety, so maybe I'll pay for it. The issue also is whether she'll wear it.
Mom says she doesn't want you to stick around because you think you need to double as her caretaker during the week. She gets anxious about leaving her house vacant half the time and would just rent it out and live with us. We'll see how this unfolds ... or doesn't.
***************
My first reading I was angry and wrote an ugly retort. I decided to sleep on it.
My mother didn't say a word to me about any of this, but she has my brother do it. She also has the money - but doesn't want to pay anything. This nonsense that he doesn't know her finances is a lie. I've seen proof.
I plan to just tell him (and my mother) that I will leave and not return (in a nonconfrontational way - mostly that I understand her fear, since my own home is vacant half the week. I am put off by this and feel unappreciated. Thoughts? We don't communicate but for my mother. He and my mother are very much alike. He does not have a relationship with his adult children or nieces and nephews.
Also, maybe your mother told you one thing, but your brother another. If neither are POA, it might be better for each to provide the care they think is proper during their designated time with her. I’d try not to take it personally. Seniors often are stubborn and not interested in their adult children’s suggestions. If people are toxic, I would limit contact too, but if you and brother are trying to care for a senior parent, I’d likely take the high road and attempt to keep the peace. Plenty of time to be estranged after your mother’s death. I hope you can work it out.
We had a lock box installed outside next to the door; only my father and I knew the combination, but I gave it to the company as well as first responders every time they needed to assist Dad so they could access the front door key and get in while I was on my way out to Dad's house.
It worked out very, very well for us. I even plan to get one myself.
As to your questions on how to respond, I'd let the issue sit for a few days and reread the message. It might appear to be less contentious or offensive tomorrow, or in a few days.
Many of us have siblings that feel differently from us about caregiving our parents. We can’t change them, nor can we change our parents.
When it seems like family members are ganging up on us it is very hurtful and frustrating.
It’s especially hurtful if they don’t have a clue or don’t want to hear your side.
It’s nice if you can get along with siblings but it isn’t always possible because you can’t force them to cooperate.
You also can’t force your mom to treat all of her children fairly. I had this issue with my mom. I did the most for my mom. I was taken for granted.
I was expected to do it all because I was the daughter and it was clear that my mom favored my brothers who often screwed up.
Mom complemented me for being responsible but felt sorry for my brothers. She even babied them. They took advantage of her.
I am glad that she didn’t baby me though. I learned to be independent and had my father’s work ethics.
Let your mom and brother figure it out. Don’t make it your problem if neither of them care to see your side.
I had an emergency device for my mom. She will have to continually wear it. My mom didn’t want to wear it in the shower because she didn’t want it to get wet! LOL
I had to tell her not to take it off and that the device had to be worn in the shower. Mom fell frequently due to her Parkinson’s disease.
The company will call periodically to check on their customer. If they don’t answer the device help will be sent. This is in the contract agreement. We purchased a lock box on amazon that used a code to retrieve our house key.
It would be a waste of time if she doesn’t agree to wear it at all times. Mom’s device was placed on the charger when mom slept. That is the only time that she didn’t have it on.
If your mom has the money, she should pay for it. Sometimes they have a free trial period arranged through insurance. Mom had that because her service was through Humana with their product.
I would say to compare several devices before a decision is made.
Best wishes to you.
But I re-read & it seems he is quite methodical & factual.
Covid still here. Mom concerned with Aides.
So he dismissed that first idea.
The Medi alert - he has concerns about cost & if she would wear it. OK, fair enough. Sounds like this idea is on the table for future discussion.
Mom concerned with her empty house. He is open to the idea Mom could move in with him instead.
Seems like he did hear you - that you have reached a stage where you need to change things. And that's fine!
He didn't like all your suggestions but he didn't insist you never change, you continue forever.
I met with understanding words when I decided to step back from caregiving. But I also met dismissal of my suggestions & assumptions I was still at beck & call. It took many many falls before a Medi alert was agreed to. It took a battle of wills to get a lock box for EMS to get in. These will be your brother's battles if he chooses (although if his house - his rules).
I think overall, even if you are not be the closest siblings, your communication is quite good.
If he is willing to take Mom full-time (until he needs to reassess) it is up to him. Stay on good terms so you can visit Mom without awkwardness if possible.
That honestly is the best way. Emails and such back and forth with three different people talking, but never together, just gets so muddy. Suggest you all want only what is best for Mom, what works for her, and what she is happy with. And then meet together. Agree to bring the pizza.
My mom has CHF, mild pulmonary fibrosis, severe mitral stenosis, leukemia to name a few. She had her aortic valve replaced last year, but still has severe CHF. It's easier to name what she doesn't have. Is your mom an invalid? Have the doctors said she can't live alone anymore? My mom has had all those conditions for years and lived independently in another state where none of us live. It was a pain, but she was stubborn about her living arrangements. So, I guess I'm wondering what precluded yall taking turns with her 24/7.
Then last year, my mom had a stroke, and my brothers and I agreed she'd move in with me and my family (year ago this month). We finally banned together for once and strong armed her with the help of doctors influence and the facts. Prior to that, Mom constantly caused angst and confusion between me and my brothers; different stories, different attitude with each of us. Nobody was ever on the same page in Mom's life book. I'm the youngest, but ultimately Mom realized I actually gave a crap and would honor her wishes (this was after she found out my eldest brother and SIL said they planned on backing up a dumpster to her apartment because they had no intention of going thru all her stuff after she died.) Up until that point, I'd thrown up my hands and said have at it. I'd call her and visited if I was passing thru town, but many times I'd have to hang up on her or terminate the conversation, and a few times I avoided telling her when I was in town. That's how bad it got. Some parents love triangulation; my mom sure did. It is awful and stressful. Add a know-it-all know-better sibling or bossy condescending SIL to the mix, and it gets untenable. Anyhow, I'm now POA of everything since my eldest brother and his wife showed their true colors. Mom won't talk too much to my other older brother; he got tired of the manipulation, triangulation and then post-stroke nastiness, so he was honest with mom to her face about her ways, and she didn't like that.
With our new arrangement, me and my brothers are getting along better than ever, even if mom is not always happy with any of us at any given time. Once we all realized we were being played, we started comparing notes and now keep in constant contact about Mom via a group chat.
You've been doing this 4 years??? God bless you. Take a step back. Take care of yourself. Let your mom and brother/SIL figure it out for now. Call your mom on the phone and be helpful when you can, but take your life back. Establish BOUNDARIES! Things have a way of working themselves out. Definitely don't spend your own money if your mom has enough for herself. My mom doesn't have enough funds, so my brothers and I share expenses. I love my mom. I'm sure you love your mom too. Love doesn't mean we totally sacrifice ourselves to our own detriment.
Regarding Homehealth, I've had multiple Homehealth workers constantly in and out of our house with Mom since last December. PT and OT 5x week, speech 2x week, health aides 5x week, nurses, lab techs, evaluators- you name it, we've probably had them. I even have a cleaning crew in on Fridays because I need the help. Never a problem with Covid19. They mask up, take temps, etc. They follow protocols. So, imo, Homehealth is a valid option. Our Homehealth is managed by a physician's group (Aftercare). They manage mom's medical needs, deal with insurance, and contract with the staffing agencies who assign and schedule all the Homehealth workers. I hired the cleaning crew independently.
Good luck. I feel for you.
By the way, I have had a very similar path to you. When I started setting boundaries, my brother constantly criticized me.
My mom stirred things up if she didn’t get her way on some things and would blab to my brother.
Of course mom embellished the facts when relaying information to my brother.
My mom looked to my brother as the voice of authority. She feels that a man has authority over women. So I don’t rate as high as a daughter.
My place was to serve in mom’s opinion. She couldn’t see how much caregiving suffocated me. I devoted so much time and energy into her caregiving.
After realizing that I was banging my head against their brick wall I decided to let my mom and brother figure things out.
My brother isn’t a person that can be easily reasoned with. He was never interested in hearing my side.
If you ask his three ex-wives they could tell you exactly how he is. All three of them have said to me that they were divorcing him, not me.
My ex sister in laws are still friendly with me and they remained being aunts to my children. I told them that I didn’t blame them for leaving my brother.
The current wife is younger than his sons so she is most likely holding out for his pension. I have noticed that he has her trained to obey him. He treats her like his child instead of a wife. She was young, confused and in a bad marriage when she met him. He has cheated on all of his wives. I honestly don’t know what they saw in my brother and he isn’t rich!
Mom is now living with brother and sister in law. She is receiving hospice care.
My brother is approaching 70. Mom will be 95 next month. My sister in law works full time. She has a rotating shift. So she is too busy to help. Due to her shift work she often has to sleep when mom is up, then at work when mom is sleeping.
So now my brother is seeing first hand what I went through. He complains to his sons. They tell him, “Dad now you see what your sister went through.”
After 15 years of being mom’s primary caregiver in my home I finally got my break. How sweet it is!
I care about mom but it’s nice to have my life back. I did more than my share.
If you can have a civil and productive conversation with your family I am happy for all of you. It wasn’t possible in my situation. I hope it is for you.
I speak to my mom but like you, I avoid my brother because he and I see things far too differently.
Mom hates that I don’t cave in to my brother and am not friendly with either of my brothers. I told her that I would have loved being close to them had they been kind and respectful to me. I tried for way too many years without seeing any positive change. So it was time to call it quits for my own sanity.
My brother is the type that if you don’t think as he does he will chew you up and spit you out.
I refuse to be the target for his emotional abuse. He is on wife number 4! Three women leaving him is very telling of his personality.
I am not naive. I don’t feel like every marriage will have a fairytale ending.
In fact most if not all marriages have their ups and downs.
Some marriages should end. If I had been one of my sister in laws I would have left my brother too! My brother’s life reads like a soap opera.
He doesn’t treat my mom poorly though because she has given him money throughout his life.
Whatever...Not my problem anymore.
She had a short hospitalization earlier in the summer and was prescribed HHC - PT, OT, nurse visits, aide (8 weeks). I navigated all those appointments and was here (her home) to greet, schedule future. I made her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and did household chores and shopping. It was a lot of work and exhausting. After that concluded recently, I waited to see what she would do for herself as she seemed lots better. She's ambulatory with a walker, can shower and toilet alone, make a simple meal. Cognitively she is fine. She started making her own breakfast. She didn't like it, but did it. To me she likes being "served." She thinks she's earned it because she's old. Maybe my brother and SIL are better servants.
She absolutely thinks he's smarter. She listens to his suggestions. If he had suggested medical alert, she would do it.
He has two ex wives, both ugly divorces. I am friends with one of the ex-wives. I also have a relationship with his sons. He doesn't. His sons don't have a relationship with my mother, their grandmother. Bad blood from many years ago. I cannot imagine having such an awful relationship or history with my grandchildren that they don't want to see me.
Just thinking it through and reading the responses is so helpful. I care about her, but all this is too much. All this to take care of one older adult Yikes. I'm sending a "nice" reply and leaving the rest to them to sort out.
So read it like he is trying to help. He is POA and will be Executor. Mom doesn't agree to any of your suggestions. So maybe its time for her to move in with brother. He has the money and seems to be willing.
So maybe your answer should be, OK just some suggestions to make things easier for Mom. Maybe at this time, it would be wise for her to live with you since she does need to leave her house on weekends. I can always be there to sit with her if u have something to do or give you time off for a vacation. We can always do a day out for lunch and run errands. Whatever you and and Mom decide is OK with me.
Approach it as a solution that let's you go live your life.
Stop thinking of your mother as a completely competent adult. No one is 100% competent at 86 in the same way they are at 56. Getting old and infirm is terrifying, and a lack of compassion for that fear is even more terrifying, because the person the older person thinks they can count on is letting them down.
It saddens me to see people think their family members are "playing" them, and if I see another person describe their LO as a narcissist, I may become ill. I doubt 99% of those who use that term have any real comprehension of the term.
If you aren't up to the job, you aren't up to the job. Try being honest with both your brother and yourself, but angry retorts are of no use to anyone. If your mom didn't say any of this to you, perhaps it's because she knows or fears your response which sounds somewhat justified considering your reaction to your brother's email.
As a child of an older parent you are responsible for making sure she is safe and cared for. You are not required to do it yourself, but you need to make sure someone is doing it. After that, feel free to take off and do whatever you like.
Otherwise we would have completely different pictures of what is happening.
That may not work for you, if your relationship with your brother isn't the best. But is there any potential that you two can sit down and talk and level set what you are each being told?
I ended up just asking my mother about this, and she said her remarks to him were taken out of context. I'm guessing that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's what he heard, maybe she meant something else. Who knows. I'm going to let it go and step back for awhile. I ended up sending a nice email telling him I'll be at my own home for a few weeks. I am certain they'll keep me informed and ask if help is needed. I don't want hard feelings, at least on my part. We have a common goal of making sure mom is safe and well cared for.
If mom is safe to stay at home by herself? Does she meet her own personal needs: bathing, dressings, toileting, mobility, medications and meals? Does she get easily confused: wander off and can't find her own way home, not sure of days of week, not sure when to eat or what to eat...?
If mom can't meet her own needs or needs a lot of coaching, then she probably needs somebody 24/7. That seems to be the situation since you and your brother care for your mom every day of the week.
Needing/wanting more "time off" from caring for mom is not being selfish. Start by considering what would be an ideal schedule for yourself. Your brother and SIL should do the same. Together discuss these "ideal schedules" and locate holes where your mom's needs may be covered by others. Paid home health care aides, care givers, or adult day program can cover those times.
Emergency help
Anything can happen - and 2020 makes that abundantly clear. If you, your brother or SIL needed to be in the hospital... who would care for mom? Having paid help as part of your plan can help. More help can be scheduled to cover increased need for caregivers. With COVID-19, a vaccine will come out and this threat will lessen. In the meantime, caregivers should wear facemasks, clean more thoroughly, and use hand sanitizer frequently.
Let them do whatever they feel like they need to and you just be a daughter. You have sacrificed years to accommodate your mom, you should be happy that it is coming to a close.
Edit: Bootsy was the name of my 1st cat. Solid black except for 4 white paws.
Cute name for a cat. I had one named 'Socks' because I thought he looked like he was wearing socks. It's funny when their markings are so specific like that.
I am a sucker for a dog with a 'patch' over one eye. They are so cute!
We had an ADT model for Mom that had a centrally placed unit that could pick up calls for help even if she didn't press the button.
I wanted to give the police or fire department a key to her house but she didn't trust them to have one. I also considered placing a lockbox with a keycode outside incase EMS needed to get in. She kept turning off the volume on her phone and didn't answer our calls.
Have you considered cameras? Placed in non-invasive areas like hallways and the main living area. I had a security device called a Canary sitting in the living room. One day I couldn't get Mom on the phone so I check the live feed on my app. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV petting my cat, completely oblivious. When I got home I asked her why she didn't answer the phone, it was in her pocket with the sound turned off.
That is probably for the best.
Neither of my brothers is a lawyer, but they ARE PITAs, one more than the other. I started an email to each one, to cover all that needed to be said and how it was taking a toll on me. I talked about what they've said and done that has hurt me. I put them aside and every now and then added to or edited them. I NEVER sent them. They were a kind of catharsis for me.
It allowed me to say what was wrong, how I felt, how they let me down or were just outright cruel (OB was physically abusive) without repercussions. I haven't had contact in over 2.5 years now with OB (only exception was email to let him know our mother had a stroke earlier this month. Took 15 hrs to get "Thanks for update.")
It allowed me to get the anger out and move on. The drafts still sit in my email folder. At some point, I didn't need to even look at it again. I also realized that sending it would NOT make anything better, more likely it would be worse because THEY would not understand or even try to, and would just likely dump more crap on me. Got it out and let it go.
I am the one who oversees everything for mom. OB isn't local and if he was, I don't expect he would even visit, given his last trip and refusal to go for a second visit with her. YB is just whatever. I only contacted him for taking her to one appt - too far and once she stopped standing/walking, I couldn't support her weight. It was only 4x per year, but you'd think I was asking him to do it weekly!! I did consult with him RE the stroke and how to proceed as we are both the POAs, but that's it. We both agreed no extensive treatment, she's 97 with dementia! I've cancelled the treatments (Mac Degen) going forward, because of the stroke, age and current condition. I'm sure he's reveling in that! The other is probably checking the trust fund, to see how much is left.
Write all that nasty stuff in a email that won't be sent or on paper. Get it out of you, but don't send it. While it may seem like a good idea, it won't be. More than likely it will just anger him or lead to more strife.
"It's fine if it's her decision but initially she did not complain - only after she talked to my brother."
Perhaps she felt that way, but for whatever reason didn't feel she could say it to you? Perhaps she just mentioned it to him and he took everything the wrong way? Who knows. In the bigger picture, it really doesn't matter. I'd let it go. It isn't worth it.
"He's the POA, will executor, etc. and what he says goes."
Well, if he's willing to take her in and she wants to move there and rent her house, let them have at it! It'll be a lot of work, but just defer to them - give them the empty promise so many do give (call me if you need help, but always be busy!!!)
"I limit contact with him..."
Best to keep it that way. If she moves in with them, you won't have to talk to him or work with him about any of this - he'd be doing you a favor!!!
"...talks to people like they're opposing counsel."
Again, neither brother of mine is a lawyer, but each of my bros has talked down to me, yelled at me, called me names, etc and one even called me a know-it-all when I tried to explain what I knew about dementia. Some time later he chastised me when I said it was too much by saying they take care of everything (facility.) No, they don't, but HE knows better than I do because he takes care of it all (NOT)!!!
My take on all this? I see to it that "everything" IS taken care of and when she passes on, I will become an only child. I am DONE with these 2 clowns!
"I want to work it out but at the same time keep my boundaries."
It sounds like perhaps they've already 'worked it out', so I would just put up those boundaries and live your life. You gave it what you could and for whatever reason they seem ungrateful, so smile, and say "call me if you need anything....", but meanwhile, just think 'Adios'!
You and your brother and his wife need to be on the same page and supportive of each other in your care of your Mother. The way he he is doing it and your Mother is enabling it, is pitting you and he against each other. He is there on weekends, your there all week. Do the math, your the primary care give. This makes you in charge and he in a supporting role. Who holds Power of Attorney? That person is ultimatly in charge.
If you do not put a stop to this manipulation i PROMISE you it will only get worse as your Mothers condition changes.
You and your brother need to re affirm or reestablish the ground rules and who is ultimatly in charge of running your Mothers care. Then the BOTH of you need to sit down with your mother together and clarify for her what the two of you have agreed to and get her full support.
Speaking first hand from dealing with a Mother in law and my wifes siblings for almost 15 years of Sr care this will become an exausting and deep seated anger causing issue if you do not get control of it.
Based on what you have described of the relationship of Mom and brother it may be too late for my suggestion. If so first sit down with your brother and get his agreement he will be taking over, then you and your brother sitdown with Mom and explain the change and the dates of the change (IE effective today). I would then follow up with an email to your brother to prevent ANY confusion. AVOID getting angry. Stick to the facts.
My stepsister took care of her Mother for many years. Finally she could not deal with it anymore due to these kind of conflicts. Her brothers stepped in and took over for what turned out to be the final 10 years of their Mothers life. She went back to having a life and having a better relationship with her Mother. As well her brothers finally came to truely understand what she was dealing with. And they gained a greater respect for their sister.
The biggest problem with all this is our parents (and us) we are living soooo much longer. These parental care deals used to be for just a few short years. Today it can last 15-25-30 years. What are our children going to have to deal with??
BTW those remote monitor deals.. THey are pretty cheap, $10 a month or so.
I’m curious how did it come to be that he has poa? It seems like the person who’s most closely involved in their loved ones care as you’ve been for the past four years would naturally be the best suited to speak and make decisions for her care- was this a power move by your brother or?? Nothing like folks that are least involved who demand the most say so, I share in your frustrations pls take good care of yourself, don’t let him use his lawyer talk on you, you can be assertive and non confrontational at the same time. When he talks down to you or like your on the stand request in a business like tactful way that he speak to you in a more equal and respectful manner, and try not to take it too personal with him ( much easier said than done I’m sure) but this is IMO mostly about his ego. You’ve done SO much for your mom! I’m sure others are aware of this and deep down he is too but his ego won’t allow him to act (as Laceyisland wisely posted) in a supportive role to your primary role. He wants it all- he wants to be the least involved and have most of the say so, sometimes mother and sons for some reason are more common to fall into a toxic dynamic - but you have done amazing!!
Another viewpoint might be that she moves to their house for M-F and it will be suggested you get her on the weekends. Heck, mom may have been waiting on this invitation for quite some time! I mean, she sure jumped on this quick. (Most of us on this site are trying to talk a parent in to leaving their home - with no luck!) Her house gets rented and no break-ins or vandalism. Try to turn your thoughts around in regard to a return letter.
Word it like: I was kind of taken back by your response because I thought mom felt stronger about remaining in her own home. I did stay with her during the week to fill in for the in home health providers. I mean, if she needed some help with that service before the virus, we all know she still needed help. I was only trying to make some arrangement that would allow me to be in my own house a little more during the week. I understand completely how she feels about leaving her house unattended while she is at your house Sat-Sun. I have those same concerns about my own house for the 5 days I'm with her. I also understand about her fear of catching covid even though I've talked to caregivers about precautions they take. I supposed she may have been waiting on this invitation from you for a while since she has decided so quickly to move in and rent her house. I'm happy that she was able to make this decision for herself. Please let me know when the tentative move will take place. If you can talk with her about what she can take to your house, I'll be more than happy to help both of you sort through the rest of the things so we can decide what to do with them (estate sale, pack/store) - whatever mom wants to do. I'll also help with getting her unpacked. arranged and settled in at your house. Walk the high ground with him - and with her. If she brings it up to you - tell her you just want her to be happy.
Offer to help with the move, the estate sale or whatever will happen to things she can't take with her, getting house ready to rent. Be as much a part of this as you can so you know what's going on - like who rents house (relative below market value, friend, etc or rental agency). I would also stay involved to give them some relief when they need it. It's one thing to take care of her on a weekend and something entirely different to have her 24/7.
I went through this with my mom living with me and 3 other siblings that wanted nothing to do but give advice on things that mom was talking to them about. Not one of them would help take on care, but could sure try and tell me what to do and what not to do. I had told my sister she needed to come stay for a week and see all the help mom needed being insulin diabetic and CHF. She did, and she told me she couldn't do what I do. She didn't know how I was doing it all. She stopped giving me advice. The rest of the siblings said nursing home, but I wasn't going to let that happen. Mom lived with me for 9 years, before passing. My husband was a good support for me.
We’re late in arriving at the realization that women ought to have a life, too: they are worth more than their reproductive equipment & caregiving expectations!
I would write a very practical response outlining all of her needs at this time and why in your experience with managing this all week you wanted to hire in a caregiver and get a medical alert. It’s for her safety and her needs are becoming too much for you manage on your own all week. It sounds more like he is trying to lay some guilt on you with the “mom doesn’t want you to stick around” statement. And the “maybe I’ll pay for it.” Don’t fall for it.
Tell them that she has the money to pay for care and that should not be a factor.
Let him move your mother in with them all week and let him be the landlord for the rental. Tell him what a great idea that would be because you are becoming exhausted and your stress level is causing you issues. And her care needs are becoming too much to manage at her home so you appreciate them stepping up to take care of her. Don’t let him lay anymore guilt on you. You deserve a break and to live your life.
I’d send Bro an email back saying as of xx date in the future, 3-5 days from now, you will no longer be caring for Mom. Give Mom a copy to read as you are packing up your stuff and leaving notes and instructions. Then do it. Turn off phone or send to VM. Take a few days to respond to email. Call adult protective services for wellness check.
In other words, walk away and do what you need to do for yourself. You can’t win with this setup and unfortunately, Mom and Bro will have to deal with consequences of their decisions. You’ve done what you could.
What I found the Best Solutiin to be was I had my son install 3 cameras in my Dad's Home. I chose NEST and it was easy to install and plug in and now I'm able to watch snd hear my Dad anytime I want from my Computer, Laptop or Cell Phone 24 7 and this gives me so much peace of mind.
After you buy the Cameras which run about $200 each and you can buy them at Lowes or get a package of 2 or 3 Onine. Anyway, the only Additional Cost is a Monthly Fee of $20 and that allows you to go back up to 30 days and see what happened if you need to. I use it because my Dad has Caregivers and I can make sure they're treating my Dad ok.
You don't have to buy that Service if you don't want and then you'll just ne able to see what's is going on present everytime you get on the Nest Site.
In regards to your mom telling you one thing and your brother saying different, do a call to your brother and put him on loud speaker and talk to your mom when everyone is hearing what is being said.
Then, as long as your mom has her right mind, let her decide what she would like to do.
Juse keep in mind that some kids will let their parent move in with them, get parent to sell their home then the kid uses up all their savings or says the money is gone, then they are put in a home. Sad but True.
If your mom has the funds and wants to stay in her own home, hire Caregivers or hire a Live In which your mom has to pay for.
If your mom still has her mental faculties, explain all her options and what it would cost her and let the decision be hers.
Also explain to her what can happen to her money when she's not overseeing it herself.
If your mother decides to live with the brother and he wants to sell her home, have him sign a paper saying that he is taking the responsibility over of the mom and she will be living with him as long as she lives.
I suppose the first thing to do is have a sit down with your mother - if you can! You imply that both your brother and your mother share an (antisocial?)characteristic but there is an impression that he may be putting words in her mouth? She may have voiced her worries and he has reinforced them? Alternatively she may be entrenched but either way getting it from the horse's mouth would be my starting point. You talk her worries through with her, yourself.
Then you are in a better position to decide what to do next.
I would not rush to respond to the email. In my experience the sender gets impatient and often starts to consider why they have not had a reply. Sometimes they answer their own question (about why they are being ignored) and realise they may not have approached it in the right way. Sometimes not, however you do not owe him anything and given his attitude you should consider NOT responding until he is less rude. Let him reconsider his approach - or respond calmly and factually and without rising to the implied criticsm but whatever you decide to do, don't be bullied!!! Good luck. xx
my first thought is that the email is your brothers perception of what your mom wants.
simply put, while it may be hard for the three, or four with SIL, sit together and come up with a plan. Let mom know that her children want what is best for you her, and you will all work together. Your moms peace of mind will be honored if she feels you both listened to her wishes and managed the safety issues together.
we won’t always agree with siblings but getting parents to express their feelings when everyone is together helps all. Mom needs to know that no one will get mad at her for expressing her true feelings.
best of luck,
She also did not want a medical alert button, though she could well afford to pay for it. That has changed with time, but I have often paid for things and just not told her because I thought she needed them and I had rather pay for them than argue with her - even though she can afford anything she needs - much more than I.
If your mother is stubborn, and cost-conscious, that is just a fact that you cannot change. If your brother is the same, well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At least he indicated a willingness to pay for it. (I am not going to try to read between the lines to see if he was sincere.) Please don't try to take these issues personally, just accept that you cannot change their attitudes. You were wise to wait about your reply. I did not have the emotional reaction you did, because these people are not my family. I know that is much more difficult when it is family, and you have decades of dealing with them. But try to not add fuel to the fire, for YOUR sake.