My husband's family continues to take him wherever he wants,..... to withdraw money from an investment firm, even though they will no longer allow it since I now have POA..... They took him to look for an apartment; he believes there is nothing wrong with him and he can live on his own. He informed me that he's moving out of assisted living to an apartment on Oct 1st (today is Sept. 17th). He showed me a brochure re: apt., although I believe it's a motel, but he can rent it for $475 mo., which he believes is great because it's cheaper than AL. I told him he can't drive, he said he'll take the bus (he uses a walker, is unsteady on his feet) He has no access to money and he said if I would not voluntarily give him whatever amount of money he needs that he will sue me for the money. He constantly uses his cell phone, going over the alloted minutes. We have shared plan of 700 minutes per month and have never gone over in many years). He has used over 300 min.in 15 days, I have used 20 min in the past 15 days. I have usage control on his phone, he has 530 minutes, I have what's left... I have told him when the 530 min. have been used, his phone will be shut down and he will no longer be able to make calls until next month. Now he accuses me of cutting him off from the world, even though he did agree with the usage plan when I explained it to him. He continues to argue whenever I see him (4 times per week) at AL. It's always the same argument, "he's ok, nothing wrong with him, why can't anyone understand that, (although his sister and nephew insists he's ok, they see him maybe once a week or less, but talks to sister via phone daily). he needs money, he's moving out to live on his own and prove to everyone that nothing is wrong with him"!!! I'm at the point that I feel like I am the one who is absolutely losing my mind, and maybe he is the normal one!!! Everyone tells me to take his cell phone away, since that is how he makes so many of these contacts and "plans". His family thought I was the devil himself when I did not give him the cell phone. I feel obligated to visit him, he's my responsibility, but he is persistent, never gives up, sounds "normal" when he talks to people, but is very transparent when the doctor, nurse, professionals talk to him!!!! When I took him to the doctor and out to lunch last week, the doctor, again, told him he is where he needs to be and life would not go well for him if he tried to live on his own. I feel I'm at the edge of a cliff, hanging on with my fingernails, and quite frankly, I'd like to let go and drop off the edge of the cliff so i could be out of my misery.
What is the solution????????????? I was convince by all medical professionals that if he came home which was my intention, that I would be sick and it would destroy me. This a.m. I woke up with dizziness and shaky hands. Please, someone help.
Thank you to anyone who can help, either tell me I am out of my mind or that he is where he belongs, but how do I continue to deal with this????????? Every day there is another issue.
Divorce does not sound bad at this point either UNLESS..you have been married a long time and have accumulated wealth together. If that is the case, I'm make sure your attny divides everything equally. Then..let the sister take care of him...give POA to her. She'll learn REALLY fast what a nightmare it is.
You are acting in his best interests. You are upholding the "or for worse" and "in sickness" parts of the marriage vows. You deserve praise and support, not the undermining you are getting from his relatives.
All of this is Not Your Fault. I know that you know that. You certainly did not cause him to develop dementia. But guilt is such a constant companion for caregivers that I suggest you adopt this mantra for a while: "It is not my fault!"
From other posts I know you are strong and resourceful and can overcome each of these hideous hurdles as they come up. You will figure out the cell phone thing. (I think taking it away entirely is a good idea, but you are in the trenches and know which battles to fight.) You have control of his money so he is not moving out. For him to sue you, even if his crazy sister assists him, is so ludicrous as to be laughable. It is not happening. So ... you will continue to fight this one little battle at a time.
I am sooooo sorry for you! Yes, he is your responsibility, but I wonder if you can lighten your load somewhat. Discuss with your lawyer what options might be available. Would hiring a care manager be appropriate and help? Do you need to have the courts appoint someone else as his guardian? Could the lawyer write a stern letter to the interfering sister? Would the doctor put his conclusions in writing?
I have every confidence you will get through this, but I am very, very sorry that you must deal with all of these awful stresses.
Hugs to you!
Is it possible to have a sit down with the interfering sister? I am sure you want to rip her to pieces, but perhaps a (relatively) calm discussion of where she sees her brother and how she views his current situation may bring out more info for you.
Those who have never experienced care giving for a dementia person, have NO IDEA that the responsible person must take on the parent role. As you have already demonstrated in your thoughts, you have to do what is best for him.
You don't mention his age. If he is older and his family is older, they too may not be able to properly assess the situation. It doesn't sound like the lawyers should be your biggest worry. By the way, forms can be half completed so you can honestly say you mailed them back.
As you know, arguing with a dementia patient is fruitless and just aggravates both of you. Good luck, we are all here for you.
So many people (my family and friends) want me to divorce. I just don't want to do this, although there are many times when I think that may be the only way to end of this uproar from him. He would then need to find someone else to be his advocate.
I can't even imagine in my wildest dreams what would happen to him if he did move into an apt.
Sorry for bending your ear, but it's comforting to know that someone who understands is willing to listen.
I would consult with an Elder Law attorney, show him the statement from the doctor and ask if there is something that can be done short of putting a restraining order on your husband's family. I would flatly refuse to assist with any kind of legal paperwork that your husband initiates - just let him holler and walk away. I would prepare a stock letter for every person/lawyer/company he contacts, explaining his condition (short & sweet) and that you hold the POA, to please disregard your husband's communications, and if any questions, to contact you directly (they will go away) and sign it as POA, and put a "cc" at the bottom with the name of your your lawyer (just for his file copy).
As POA, you can also file a change of address for him at the post office where the AL facility is, and have ALL mail that is addressed to your husband's name, forwarded to your home address. You see, you will now be "cutting him off at the pass" and can now manage the correspondence without interference. Then don't bring any mail to him - you manage the mail, period.
As for your sister-in-law and other troublesome family members, I would remind them that legally they have no say in how you manage your husband's care, and if they don't stop interfering and causing you trouble, you will ask the AL facility to bar them from visits or get a restraining order. I think you really need to get tough at this point - everyone has you running in circles and jumping through hoops - it's madness, and you are the only one who can put a stop to it.
As for the phone, I would get rid of it - you don't need the headaches. You could ask the AL facility to limit use of their phone to one call per day for 5 minutes. If he pesters other residents to use their phones, they will soon start to refuse him. He will have to get used to it.
If any of these ideas seem useful to you, you may want to also confer with your elder care lawyer if you have any doubts about putting them into practice.
Regarding the anxiety and anger issues, I would get in touch with his doctor and he may be able to prescribe something to calm him down and make him more reasonable to deal with.
Good luck, you have my best wishes, and thank you for any updates you care to share with us - even just venting!
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