Husband is having a hard time accepting grandma's current state and doesn't want to talk about her POA forms. Any advice on how to convey this urgency to him?
My husband just lost his father to COVID eight months ago. We are now taking care of my husband's paternal grandmother full time, as she has nowhere else to go for now. She's 89 and declining more everyday.
On this forum, I was advised to immediately address power of attorney, while Gram is still somewhat mentally competent. I drew up forms for POA, MPOA, and living will, but when I presented them to hubby today, he said, "Thank you for doing that, but I really don't want to talk about this right now."
Avoidance of tough/sad subjects is one of his coping mechanisms, and I know his grief over his dad is still fresh but I know that this matter is urgent. Any advice on how to convey this urgency to him, while still regarding his feelings and boundaries?
Little book about the 5 documents EVERYONE needs to have at age 55.
Grandmom has to be competent to assign a POA. The assigned person usually does not sign the POA. If GMa is competent take her to a lawyer. Because of her failing health, I would make her POAs immediate. That means when she signs, the POA is immediately in effect. I don't think you need proof of incompetence for immediate to use it. A question for a lawyer.
DPOA is a tool to help GMa when she is not capable to do for herself. It has to be done while she is competent enough to know what she is signing. It makes it so much easier to help her. Gives ur husband the ability to talk to the bank to her doctors. It has to be done now.
It's really only the POA that's of practical importance. The MPOA and the living will are very helpful in *avoiding* tough-to-impossible ethical decisions later on, but those decisions, God willing, may not ever have to be made; and even if they do at that time she will be in the hands of people who will be acting ethically and guided by her next of kin.
Paying her bills will have to be done, though, and somebody needs to be able to act for her. Could you do it?
I should add I have POA for my dad and feel like it is an absolute must for the caregiver living with a dependent elder. You don’t want responsibility without power.
I have had these documents in place since my early 30s, I don't want a stranger making decisions or my family fighting over what should be done for me in the event I am injured and unable to speak for myself. .
This isn't about getting old, it's about making sure your wishes are carried out, because you could fall tonight, break your neck and be in a coma for 3 months. Why would you not make it as easy as possible on your loved ones?
PS: all of grandma's money should be used for her care and for her to pay her way, like paying her share of costs to live in your home. She could get a Medicaid penalty if she is giving money away, that is a big nono now.
POAs are not for the elderly -- everyone with any assets or who gives a rat's behind about their medical care should have one.
My husband and I set up our first trust with wills and POAs (and plans for our children if we died before they were grown) back in our late 30s. We updated them again about five years ago when all the kids were over 18 and our assets had changed. I won't be getting offended about someone having POA, because that's old news.
The most important thing is not to foist POA on someone without their consent. All that paperwork is not supposed to be a secret.
She didn't initiate this whole POA thing, after all. I did; she's been declining mentally, and has suffered two brain bleeds since April, so it's definitely warranted.
Husband must listen to different news to me. I see a lot of *fake news* inbedded his views! Here's other views;
Afraid of 'upsetting' Grandma? Come now..
Be courageous. Use honesty. Be polite but direct. Have an adult conversation.
POA 'robbing' someone? No.
It is *empowering" someone - to appoint a decision maker of their choice, for when they need one.
I'll also add End of Life wishes. DNR. Knowing & recording Grandma's wishes also empowers her.
It is not 'killing' someone to avoid CPR, ventilator or feeding tube. It can be choosing to avoid further trauma, avoid burdensome, painful & futile treatment. It can be allowing a more *natural* end.
I am very sorry for the loss of his Dad. This may be effecting him significantly.
That's why you get those forms done. You both should have them, as well, especially after you have children, it's what responsible adults do.
It allows you to advocate for her when she can't. Because it is always to late to do them when you really need them.
I will say something about ageism among health practitioners. I think it exists and I think anyone caring for an elderly person has to be alert to it. My father's PCP is a gerontologist and understands this. I encourage people to have their elderly relative seeing a gerontologist over any other PCP.
Hopefully when the time comes for him to assume these duties he will be ready, willing and able.
You cannot make others accept what they are not willing to accept; reassure him that Grandmother has conferred POA onto him to use when it may be needed to PROTECT her, which is his duty as her grandson if he is able to do that duty.
Do know that the Grandmother can also give YOU these papers in an attorney office, too. You seem willing and perhaps you are more able as well?