My son and his wife, a nurse, want us to move close to them so they can help his father. Worried how husband will handle a move. Curently we live about 80 miles from our son. My husband has a life-time & career full of books and papers that need to be given to charity or thrown out. He is approaching Stage 5 so he knows what's going on and is very combative. He doesn't want to move but I have no family to help me where we are.
When all is said and done am I better to stay here among all his stuff.
My husband was home with me throughout his 10 year dementia journey. The help I had included housecleaning, my husband attending an adult health program a few days a week, and, toward the end, 30+ hours of a personal care attendant. Our son did all the household maintenance chores. I could not have done it alone.
My recommendation would be to try out some in-home help right where you are. And 80 miles is not the other side of the earth. Could your son and DIL come spend a weekend once a month, to give you some respite?
My husband spent hours and hours sorting through his professional books. The things he thought were still applicable or of historic interest he gave to his professional society. I don't know what they did with them, but they thanked him profusely and it gave him great satisfaction. Is your husband in a state of mind where he could do this?
With enough help, you may be able to keep hubby home with you until the end. But it is also possible he will need a greater level of care than can be provided in a private home, even with help. Which town would have the better care center options? How comfortable are you with his present doctors? Would changing doctors be an issue?
Are you renting, or would you be selling a house? Would you like to live in the town where your son is the rest of your life?
Lots of things to think about!
But whether you stay or go -- Get Help!!
Hire a lawn cutter once a week. One small step.
Someone with dementia can get agitated as the result of a move but it sure sounds nice having your son around to help with his dad so that the burden isn't completely on you for the rest of your husband's life.
Your husband says he doesn't want to move. What do YOU want to do?
If your plan includes that some day you move him into a facility I would wait to make the move until that time. You could explore the memory care/nursing home options near your son, and decide where you would like to be as well, so when that time comes all you need to do is follow through with your plan.