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Remember that you may lied to by the hospital or SS...yes, it happens so that they remove themselves from any responsibility for her care. STAND STRONG! And don't believe any "we will help you" promises if you agree to take her home, as AlvaDeer already wrote.

Keep us updated -- we are all rooting for you!
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No, you really don't have. You should continue to say that you cannot accept her into your home, that her caregiver, your husband, has now had a stroke and will be himself moving into a SNF now. They may ask you to apply for emergency guardianship or some such. Simply tell them they will have to ask the State to accept guardianship of your MIL, that you are stretched was past your limit. Talking to them is fine, simply do not agree to any of their nonsense such as "We will help you; take her back home and we will get you help; we can make this work". They cannot make it work and they will not make it work.
Was your husband the POA? Is he currently mentally able? You may need an Elder Law Attorney visit to your home; he may need to resign his POA for his Mom. I am uncertain about all that, and all States vary, which is why professional advice, though costly, can be invaluable.
My heart aches for you. This is an almost impossible load to bear. I wish you and your hubby good luck, and hope that your MIL will find good placement and care as well. You have done your best. You are the second story on the threads today of a caregiver who has "gone down" under the burden of elder care, while the elder lives on. I am not saying that this caring brought on a stroke; that may have been in the cards in any case; but it is difficult for me to believe that this attempting care doesn't contribute to illness from constant stress.
Hugs. Take it one day at a time. I hope you will update us.
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anrean Sep 2020
AlvaDeer is right that you would benefit from legal advice. Where I live there is free or sliding scale legal advice - both very reputable, but you need to bang down a lot of doors to find them!
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No, you tell the Social worker or whomever, that you have enough on ur plate and cannot take care of her. If she is in a SNF they cannot release her to an unsafe discharge, which yours will be. Because, you need to work. If BIL will not or cannot take on the responsibility, then she stays in the Nursing facility with him being involved or the State takes guardianship. No one can "make" you take her.

You should never go without food. There are food closets and Churches that could help with this. I suggest you go to your Social Service dept and see if there are resources available to you. Food stamps for one.
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Nope. You tell the social worker and case manager at the hospital you are not able to take care of her. She needs to be place in nursing home. I would suggest helping and working with them if they ask as far as Medicaid applications and such. If you don't want to, tell them the state needs to take over. You need to work to make a living.
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mally1 Sep 2020
mstrbill, do you know what to do if your state doesn't do guardianship? A NH I was checking into for mom said I HAVE to sign for her if she can't (some dementia symptoms), and every year thereafter. The SW also said I HAVE to manage her care, become POA and do her paperwork, since there is no one else to do it. She told me, and I heard it from someone else there's no guardianship in this state. It's also a filial responsibility state. I am nearly 70, pretty forgetful myself, especially concerning keeping up with paperwork (much younger husband does it nowadays), and not able to care for her; she's non compliant with me, always has been. Now what?
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My heart goes out to you.

You do not say what your MIL's health status is, but if she too is in diapers, then no you cannot possible provide care to her too.

You need to repeat the phrase unsafe discharge. It is not safe as you do not have the capacity to look after two people and you have not one at home to provide care while you are working.

You cannot make your brother in law step up to the plate. YOu may have to turn her care over to the state guardian.

Did your dh had POA for his mother? If yes, what does it say about succession POA?
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Even if there is an alternate POA, these documents do not require one to take on care for a person. They allow you to step in, when needed, tp make financial and/or medical decisions as if you were the person. Signing documents, making financial payments, consulting with medical, etc.

A person who has no immediate family, or doesn't trust any family to take on this role can assign anyone, such as an atty, to become their POA. I seriously doubt ANYONE would agree to taking on the POA role if it meant taking full care of that person.

It would be good if someone else can step into that role for the husband, but it won't resolve the care issue, unless that person, in this case the BIL, would take on the care role.

No details, but if the MIL has no assets and only limited income, if there is no family member willing to take on the POA role and take on her care, having the state take guardianship sounds like the only option. Even if she has assets, the state can take all of it, apply it to her care and assume all responsibility.
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Others are certainly more qualified to answer legal questions but I wanted to reach out to you for moral support. Of course this is unsettling for you. Anyone would be concerned about their future in your situation.

First of all let me say how sorry that I am about your husband’s stroke. My father had a stroke and he was in a skilled nursing facility for rehabilitation. It really is the best place that your husband can be right now after his stroke.

You have made the right decision regarding your husband. Your priority now lies with your children, not your mother in law and you have stated that you intend on assuming responsibility for your family. I don’t see any other option. You wouldn’t be able to care for a mother in law even if you desired to.

Make whatever arrangements that you need to regarding your mother in law. Do reach out and ask for help from your brother in law but don’t depend on him if he resist helping. Go forth and make the necessary arrangements for her to be cared for. Contact a social worker for guidance. Speak to her doctor for suggestions.

I am not a lawyer but I don’t see how you can be forced to care for her.

I sincerely hope that you can find a viable solution as soon as possible and most of all I hope that your husband will do as well as possible in rehab.

Since you did not agree to your mother in law living in your home make it clear to whomever you speak to about her care that her placement is permanent.

It does sound like you absolutely know your desires and limitations and there is no second guessing involved. This is good that there isn’t any confusion.

If your children are close to their grandmother you can certainly take them to visit her.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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