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I am an only child...my mother has demetia and has been living with us on and off for 3 1/2 years and steady for 18 months....we both are done with caregiving but the final straw came today when my daughter wanted to visit us for 2 weeks this summer with our 2 toddler grand kids but says she can't with gramma here as she's too noisy all night long and would wake the kids, there's too much yelling as gramma is near deaf and long ago destroyed her hearing aids....we only see our grand kids every 3 or 4 months as they live 700 miles away ...and when heard heard they won't come because of our situation here he flipped.....he really wants her gone now...my cousin in AZ said she would take my mother to live with her some months ago.....Said she would drive here to the east in late august and take her..well suprise.... She came here 2 weeks go and is staying with friends 60 miles from here...she hasn't visited my mother yet...in fact I found out she was coming here from her brother, she never told me herself she was coming down...I think she wants to back out of taking her after no doubt telling this to others....I don't think she will be making the treck again in 2 months...what do I do?..my mother gets SS..is on Medicare....has no other assets at all....she doesn't have my major med. problems...she doesn't want to go to a nursing home and I don't know if she qualifies for one having dementia....my husband has had it...he wants his life back and I do too

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At her age and with dementia she certainly qualifies for a nursing home but getting her into one will be process and can't be done "right now". You'll need to tour a few facilities, make a decision, get the paperwork going and get your mom's financial affairs in order. She may need Medicaid to pay for a nursing home and that application process can take months (my dad was finally accepted after 5 months. AFTER he had died).

Of course you want your life back. And if there's no one to take mom your only other option is a nursing home. Some might suggest assisted living but if you move her to assisted living she's going to continue to decline and you'll just end up having to move her again to a nursing home. But if moving her to assisted living makes you feel better than moving her to a NH do that.

But your biggest hurdle is going to be trying to convince your mom to move.
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How would you feel if your daughter did this to you one day? But, 3.5 years is 3.5 years. Too much time to spend on a sick old woman. I get it. Out she goes.
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Anon...I had this talk with both my daughters already...I don't want them giving up their lives ...so I know where I'll be headed..thanks for your kind words
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Why not send her to a place for temporary respite care. I have a friend who took care of her Mom for many years and when she got sick, her mother went to a nursing home for what they call "respite care".

But, if you are burnt out, it is best for your Mom not to be living there any longer.
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Sorry for the post. My words were not kind at all. I apologize. Each individual's situation is different. I was wrong to judge and I will leave this board.
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No need to leave anon...I accept your apology...walk a mile in my shoes comes to mind right now
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Sometimes we don't realize when we have taken on too much. A telltale sign is when relatives avoid your house and your spouse is in revolt. At that point you sit down with mom's MD and ask what your options are. If the MD recommends Assisted Living, look into nearby facilities and take tours. A good ALF facility will help you find aid through VA, Medicare/Medicaid and other options.
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Here is an example: the widow of a WWII vet can get $1113 a month from the Veteran's administration. Add in the SS check and it might be enough. Some states will fill in the gap with Medicaid. Not sure where you are, though.
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Pam thanks for your responses...my late father was in the navy in the Korean War ...( my mom was 8 years older than him)... But they divorced 40 years ago and she not eligible as a divorced spouse..I tried to see if she was eligible for part of his SS benefits as they were married for more than 10 years but she gets more than he did so that cancelled that out..he stopped working in his early 40s
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whipped - time to place your mum in a facility. I agree that your cousin does not sound like a good bet. As eyerish says, getting her placed is not something that can be accomplished instantly. I think I understand your husband's frustration. It must have been building for a while and you are in between everyone here, which is a tough position. You may be able to arrange respite more quickly to allow for a visit. I really don't know how quickly that happens. I think as your mum has dementia the an NH is likely better but you probably need a doctor's evaluation/recommendation to be sure. Do you have POA medical and financial? If not is your mum too demented to sign it now? Do you think the cousin would take your mum for respite so your daughter can visit for a short term solution, if your husband would agree to that while you work on a long term solution? It bothers me that he has taken such a drastic position, and suggests to me that this has been an issue for a while, but not dealt with. As your mum has Alz, she will only get worse. Had you considered an NH for the future. You don't say at what stage your mum is, I do believe there are facilities your mum would qualify for. Talk to her doctor, the local Agency on Aging and local Social Services about your situation and ask for their suggestions.

Having someone with Alz in the home can be a big strain on a marriage and the family in general. Their needs have to be considered too. ((((((Hugs)))))) to you. I am sure you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.
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Can you pay for your daughter to stay somewhere nearby, where she and the grandkids can visit you during the day, and still have somewhere peaceful to sleep at night?

And yes, I agree that you should get the ball rolling to find a nursing home for your mother. It takes awhile. The "inactive list" to wait for a room to open up at a highly recommended nursing home near us is eighteen months. Individual results may vary, but you can't expect there'll be a place ready to take her tomorrow, just because your husband has reached the end of his patience.
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This is a sleeper issue - the impact of our decision to care for our parents in our homes upon our spouses. We make this decision or do it by default because we believe it's the right thing to do. Our spouses support us because they're caring people and because frankly, what are they going to say? But they lose their privacy, freedom, they get the totally, exhausted, frustrated semi-crazed spouse who's too shot to do normal things with them like go to dinner or out with friends. And if they're like my BIL and husband, they themselves have health issues and are getting less time and attention because their wives are trying to care for them and an elderly parent. whippedat56, I was in a similar position at your age and like pam said, I didn't realize I'd taken on too much until I was drowning. My sister could no longer do her 6 months of care and was worried about my health, Mom was needed more care and my husband put his foot down on me being the fulltime caregiver. I regret that he had to get to that point. Moving Mom to AL was not an easy thing to do, but the only option for all of us. When our lives become so entwined with our parents', decisions have to be made looking at everyone involved, not just the parent.
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Ouch. You are in a very tough spot. I can't imagine that anybody would want to criticise you, or give you a hard time for realising that you and your husband have got to the end of the road with your mother.

It sounds as if your cousin had a bit of a reality check. Who knows, maybe after she made her generous offer she then started telling friends about it and somebody took her to one side and "had a word." Well. She ought to have been more candid with you, if that's what happened - but hey, what difference does it make in the end? Leave her be.

With young children to consider, I can't blame your daughter either for deciding against this summer's visit. It sounds as if she's been perhaps unkindly blunt about it, but on balance she's made a sensible choice - a visit that went horribly wrong would be worse than postponing, wouldn't it. If it's possible, respite care would be ideal for that kind of situation; but I think it's probably a bit late to hope to arrange it now. Worth asking, all the same?

But longer term, you've got to face where your mother needs to live. As her dementia worsens the strain on you will increase; and if your husband's already bursting a blood vessel over it then…

It's not a choice any person ought to have to make, but there it is: it's your marriage or your mother. It really does sound as if you can't have both. Get on the phone and start finding out what your local services have to offer, and then you can make a plan. Once he sees that serious effort is being made your husband might calm down a bit (though he might also feel a bit glum about how long the process can be); and for your peace of mind refuse to get rushed into hustling your mother into the nearest place that'll take her - do your research, find out about funding, go and see what's available.

Do you have POA for your mother?
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thanks to all who responded…i checked into respite care in my area….they all want no less than 4 weeks at 3500 to 4000 for the month…….my moms SS has gone to massive dental work ,dentures, hearing aids and her supplemental ins.monthly payment..we did not touch her SS..now i am sending her to adult daycare 2 or 3 times a week using her SS so i can take care of my small business without putting it into the hands of others…we are both self employed here and pay a stupid amount of money for a good plan for our ages of 56….i can send my daughter to a hotel for 2 weeks but we are trying to build memories for our grandkids here..i had a room ready for my 1st grandson 2 weeks after i heard my dau was pregnant,before i had mom here…we have a pool and beautiful yard no one ever sees..i dont have POA for my mother…with my cousin supposedly taking her i didnt think i should do that with us being across the country from one another..im at a loss really..i have a good husband of 35 years who has changed drastically…i had posted about a change in spouses behavior when i found this group back in april but never got a response…even bumped it up but never heard anything
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I can think of several reasons for a husband's behavior to change.

Of course you want to "build memories" with your grandkids at your home, but sometimes you have to work with what you've got. You still have a pool and a yard. You could enjoy those with them during the day, and send them to the hotel at night, when great-grandma gets noisy. Or you could gag her, tie her up and lock her in the garage. Your choice! (Seriously, don't do that. She might manage to untie herself and call the cops.)

Consider the hotel idea. Half a loaf is better than none, or in the words of Mr. Mick Jagger: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need."
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Sorry you never got a response to your other post..

I think it's important to get some quality time, right now, away from Mom to find out what's got your husband all worked up.. Obviously it's just not your daughter's visit.. Have a heart to heart.. I don't know about you but I've been with my husband that long and I know how he feels about everything.. He doesn't have to tell me I can usually figure it out.. Sometimes I act like I don't know ..LOL But seriously talk with him..
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It wasn't so much Mother living with us, as it was my siblings thinking we were now running a 24 hour public facility they could visit any time and for as long as they wanted. We had to set boundaries; out by a certain hour each night, no hanging around all weekend (unless we were going to be gone), I was not cooking for everyone and please, keep your feet off my furniture.

After 2-1/2 years it was the lack of privacy and general rudeness of siblings that did us both in. He was a saint but we both reached the point that we wanted and deserved our life back. You just have to put your own family first.

I don't hate or resent my siblings for the way they behaved....I chalk up to their guilt of not being able or wanting to care for Mother and a bit of jealously due to the lifestyle we enjoy.
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You need to get POA medical and financial if your mum is not too demented to sign. Early in dementia people can still sign if they understand what they are doing. You don't state at what stage your mother is. Other than that I believe you are looking at guardianship. Do check with local resources to see if you can get some respite or other assistance. Work in some "us" time with your husband, away from your mum. You have responses to your other thread now. I agree it is a shame to have a pool and yard and no visitors. Surely you can reach a compromise with your daughter. Some memories are better than none. There are many hours in the day for your grandkids to enjoy the pool.
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Whipped, I have no good advice to offer, just want to say that I empathize with your situation and send you good thoughts from NYC. All the other posters said what I would have. Take care of yourself and your marriage.
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Well im single so at least my situation only drives me bonkers! i cant even think of having a boyfriend while im in this state so i too sympathise with you and your husband we try so hard to do whats right with this terrible illness but then there comes a point when enough is enough we cant do it anymore no matter how much we love them.
Mums not my mum shes nasty 90 per cent of the time which is sucking the life out of me she drowns me in her negativity but lord knows ive tried to make her life easier but i cant and i know that now.
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It's long process but it you check with the area Assisted Living's they will take someone as a direct Medicaid admission.(depends on the state you live in) Try the ones that specialize in Dementia first. The look at the other AL with a Dementia unit. In my experience most of my resident passed on, in the AL with the help of Hospice so she does not have to go to a nursing home. But every state is different so you have to check the regulations with the AL.
The Area on Aging might help you with respite for two weeks, to give you a break. Be aware of the VA its a very long process and you may not qualify for Medicaid when you need it. But if you decide to keep her home it would help you with other expense and they will retro payments.
One other idea is try and find a adult day care that has dementia clients, it will keep her busy during and she may sleep better at night. Good luck.
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whipped ~ I understand your situation. Taking on the caregivers role is extremely hard and sometimes I would just sit down and cry . My siblings did nothing and virtually said you are on your own. My mother passed away last month at 92. She suffered from dementia as well. She lived with us for 5 1/2 years but in our situation our children were supportive in our decision to care for my mom. Our grandchildren were exposed and intreacted with my mom from their birth so they were never afraid of her even when she was having a bad day and they knew she was ill. My husband was so supportive and he cared for her as well. He truly loved her. I could not have cared for her without him. Respite care for your mom may be your answer because it is important for you and your husband to see your grandchildren . I wish you the best as I understand your journey.
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Is there a moderator anywhere here? Geez..hope reporting this drivel helps
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Be patient, whipped. Sometimes it takes a day, but these drivel posts do get removed!
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Contact a Nursing Home and speak witht he Social Worker about a Nursing Home Medicaid application. In my state in only takes about two weeks and it is retroactive to the month you apply. So if a place nearby would take her she could go immediately and they will help you to apply for Medicaid. If your mother has no assets and has not given away money or property in the past 5 years she should be eligible. You can always bring her to your home for a visit now and then after she has settled in. Do what is best for your family and make the steps to have your Mother's changing needs met. Thats the best you can do!
Good luck!
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Our children will treat us like we treat our parents. Your daughter will not care for you nor your husband in old age. We all love grands. If she wants to keep them away because great grandma suffers beyond her ability to cope properly, tell your daughter stay away until she realizes that dementia can become part of her life and not just the elderly. How could you raise her with no compassion? Start teaching her now because you will be in a nursing home ASAP along with your superior husband.
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sylvia-youre an extremely nasty person I see..sorry for you-just so you know we have a one bathroom home where my mother spends half her waking hours , with little regard for us having to use it as well..refuses a potty seat in her room…how are you at at your age"holding it in"?..me not so good…there will be 7 of us here with that 1 bathroom, and 2 toddlers who need to sleep..it would take volumes of writing to explain all of the reasons it does not work for us to keep my mother here anymore….who are you to judge?..shameful of you
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sylvia67-we are all here for help and your judgement and comments are way out of line.
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I don't blame your husband even a little bit.

It's time for mom to go into a nursing home. If she has no assets, she'll be immediately qualified for Medicaid. Start the ball rolling immediately is my advice. And don't feel guilty. You and your husband have done much more than most families do for their parents. It's time to start VISITING her instead of living with her.
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Finding a nursing home or assisted living for someone who needs it and is not getting along and not happy at home is not disrespect, mistreatment or lack of love, not does it mean abandonment. Sometimes, you have to think about the kind of memories you are making. Should the kids and grandkids remember a sick old woman who made noises, took all their mom's and grandmom's time and energy away so there was nothing left, or maybe remember faithful visits to the skilled care facility and visits with things they wanted and needed, that got as much sweetness out of the situation as possible? We can WISH things were like the Waltons and every elderly person could be happy and well cared for in a loving family home to the end of their days, but wishing will not make it so. When a truly difficult or even abusive person is kept and tolerated in a home, it may send a different message than you think to the kids and grandkids who have to live with it - they may learn that no matter how nasty a person is their behavior is acceptable and that acting badly gets you unconditional support. Occasionally it actually rises to the level of child abuse - there have been seniors who hit, scold, and belittle the children and caregivers alike. Compassion may not HAVE limits, but it can SET some for behaviors, and unbounded tolerance for an elder at the expense of everyone else is not always the answer. And, this is not necessarily a matter of fault - maybe this great grandma can't help or be helped for the calling out all night, but it would still not be wrong to use facility care full or part time when it takes any positive atmosphere out of a home and means no chance to enjoy precious time with grandkids that can never be replicated. Sure, if someone was writing about excluding grandma or grandpa from the family table or family outing and putting them away never to even visit again because they needed adult diapers or were a little messy eating, then you could come out and say, essentially "where's the love" but in this situation it would not seem those comments were really fair.
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