I am curious how many people here on the forum are considered in the "sandwich generation"?

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I am curious how many people here on the forum are considered in the "sandwich generation"?

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noun

a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.

I just wonder if anyone else has the same concerns about your self care, job, family time, spouse connection, caregiver fatigue and showing up for your parent with love and dedication?

Sandwich Generation Working Caregiver

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I think the sandwich generation can have a greater range of ages. My brother is 50, he has three children under 11 and our 90 year old dad living with him.

I think it is an unforeseen consequence of having children when you are older, is that you may wind up with very young children and very old parents. Both my brother and father were fathering children at 39, and my brother continued until he was 44.

My brother's inlaws are in their early 70's, so he stands to be looking at some degree of senior/junior sandwich for the next 15 plus years.

My parents did not any to provide any care to their parents. Both my grandmothers died after short hospital stays at age 82. Both grandfathers died of lung cancer, one in the 1960s the other in the 1970s.

I am lucky, my kids are launched and I have firm boundaries regarding what if any care and support I will offer my parents.

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Yes, I agree that the age range of the "sandwich generation" is a bit different from what the OP mentioned. Unless the grandparents have chronic health issues or early dementia, they are unlikely to need a lot of care when their children are in their 30s and at least their early 40s. I suspect a lot of people in nursing homes, for example, have adult grandchildren, and from what I've read here, similar ages are involved with those trying to care for their parents at their home or their parents' home. However, the caregivers may still be supporting their college-aged children (or "boomerang" kids) as well as their parent(s). However, there are undoubtedly some who fit the age range mentioned by the OP and who have growing children, and we read about them from time to time here.

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My girls were grown when Mom came here but I was babysitting my grandson just before that.

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When I started caregiving with my mom my youngest children were in elementary school so definitely the sandwich generation. Now I’m overseeing care for my dad, and my baby birds have all grown up, but we have a young adult son with a brain injury who will always live with us. I think I’m stuck being in this sandwich for a long while but that’s okay. The area that’s most suffered is my job. A person can only be pulled in so many directions

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My kids were 11, 16 & 18 when I had to start stepping up helping mom with things, then quickly escalated to more & more help. I had to back off & force her to hire in-home help. Only one of my kids drove at the time & all were still in school, one being homeschooled.

My mom went to live in a nursing home in Jan. after three years of being completely helpless except to put a spoon in her mouth. My youngest is now 16. It was unbelievable how many people asked couldn’t Mom could live with me! Small home, no spare bedrooms & still educating children. Call me mean, selfish, horrible, I don’t care, I wasn’t about to take on that much of her care.

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Oh my goodness mollymoose, I hope you were able to summon up every ability you had to ignore such unfounded nonsense, and that you know in your heart that unless another has walked in the steps where you have gone, their comments are worthless.

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Me!! We have six kids, all still at home when we moved my in-laws from three states away to a house down the street to care for them. That was three years and some months ago. Since then, one moved out for college, one moving out for college this summer, one in HS, one in middle school, and two in elementary. MIL passed away this past Thanksgiving, and FIL moved to Memory Care, so my sandwich is a little less squished with not as much hands on day to day caregiving. It has definitely strained my relationship with my husband. These are his parents, but most of the daily burden falls to me since he works and I’m home. It has definitely strained my relationship with my children. My oldest is idealistic and moved out before all the sh#t really hit the fan, so she doesn’t understand all of our frustration. We homeschooled all of our children until in-laws came. Now our youngest two are in the local school. (Nothing wrong with that, just not the choice we wanted to make. It will do for now, and they will be just fine there.) The middle three were more involved in the daily care. They saw more than they wanted to, but ultimately I think it has been a wonderful education for them. As for self care, I’ve come to realize that, for me, it’s more of an attitude of “Hey! I matter, too, so I can say YES to me sometimes!” than a list of things to do. There’s a good group on Facebook called The Sandwich Generation.

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Very sandwiched. My father's illnesses and hospitalizations have seemed to coincide with my son's serious illnesses and accidents. I have been on a crisis
to crisis treadmill for years and frankly didn't take great care of myself as I often
had to cancel appointments to take care of one or the other.

Ironically when there was finally a lull in the daily crisis and I started taking care
of myself again my own health failed rather spectacularly. I've seen this happen with a few others as well. It's easy to get on this blind treadmill with one crisis thinking you see the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize years later
the tunnel is verrrrry long indeed.

Moral of the story is learn to have boundaries, learn to say no, take very very
good care of yourself, and choose your friends wisely.

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I’m 60 yo but I am in the Sandwich Generation anyway. My adult son (33) has schizophrenia. He lives in a group home but comes to my house everyday, and I have a lot of responsibilities related to him. I am also a caregiver to my 89 yo mom. She lives with me.

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When I first started caring for my parents my kids were home, now youngest is away at college. So hard, isn’t it?

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My mom recently passed unexpectedly, but she had suffered from mental health issues, diabetes and other health issues, and early onset dementia which became a pattern of progressive decline for at least 7-8 years. She was relatively young and she had me young. I'm nearing 39 now, but I was in my early 30s when mom started having serious health issues with her diabetes and memory loss. Not to mention being the oldest child coming from a dysfunctional family to begin with and all of the drama that that entails. It's been a long and winding road for sure, and I have teenagers and a toddler still at home, so I definitely felt sandwiched a LOT. It has also taught me to plan better for my own care in old age or in the event of my becoming incapacitated, as I don't want to put that burden on my kids.

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Sorry for your loss, frazzled. God bless you and your family.

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I was in my 40s when my 70 yr old aunt moved nearby since her only child son didn't want to deal with her after my uncle died. Although she lived independently, we still helped her with her home and other things, but she was a wonderful grandparent figure in my children's lives. Then my mother and her other sisters moved nearby a few years later. They were independent until around 2000, but then I had to start taking them shopping and to doctors from then on and eventually be their caregiver through doctor, dentist and other issues. Actually had to go part-time and then working from home to keep up. All three aunts have passed, and we've been helping with my mother since then. She is very demanding and selfish, but I keep my boundaries. In 2014, our grandson was born and we starting helping watch him (by choice) when he was 2 1/2 (he's almost five) along with helping my mother two days a week. Now we have a new grandson and another due next month. We want to help with them all since we are very involved grandparents by choice. But the weight of still helping my mother can be difficult, especially since she is jealous of anything else we do and often tries to conjure up needs when there aren't any just to get attention. Fortunately, I have a friend who also helps with her, taking her to Bingo almost every week in addition to the two days I do. I like the reference one poster made to being "squished" because that's sometimes how we feel. Both my husband and I recently had a talk about what we are willing to do for the grandkids once our DILs go back to work. We are willing to try to help as much as we can, but will also clearly explain that we may not be able to do as much once we see what it's like. We worked hard to retire and have time to ourselves, never asked for help from anyone through child rearing while we both worked and found care for them, and that being sandwiched between two groups that expect us to be all things in all cases is unrealistic.
It IS a different situation for each family and what they feel comfortable doing, but it is important to set clear boundaries, stick to them, and make sure you have time for yourselves as well.
I wish everyone on any spectrum of the sandwich the best. Life is short, and we need to treat each other with the respect and dignity each person deserves that is realistic and addresses the care and support of each person involved.

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I don’t know if your children expect you to be babysitters. I was very grateful for the babysitting my MIL and Mother both did for me and my three children. I had a low income job and probably should have just stayed home on welfare if I had no help. Now I work as an admin assistant- still underpaid but two of my children are in university and should have better jobs.

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We would fit in that. We don't have any parents living with us, but we help with the mothers. My dad died 2 years ago of pancreatic cancer. My mom can't drive because of her vision and my MIL has cancer. On top of that, my husband has had some health issues for the past 10 months. I have 2 sisters, but I'm usually the one that takes the mothers to their doctor's appointments (at what age does every doctor appointment become 3 hours long?) I'm the one that runs them on their errands. At the same time, I'm trying to homeschool my two kids 7 and 11 years old. It's very tiring. I'm thankful that my BIL can do most of the maintenance stuff on my mom's home.

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Yes. This is me. Started at age 39 with my mother and early onset Alzheimer’s. I worked full time with two children aged 17 and 15. I also helped my husband with his business. She died when I was 45. This followed another 15 years of dealing with my father and all the health problems and then financial problems, selling his home and moving him into retirement village then nursing home
overlapping this into my husbands illness, one shitty problematic son and even worse in-laws
now we all live together and my other son who helps with his father and I help with the grandchildren Now I have about 7 years of looking after my husband. If I am lucky I might get my own life at about 68 if I’m not dead first

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My sympathies. I know the struggle and stress.

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Yes I am! It’s very hard. My father is in a memory care facility which does help with some of the burden. I think there are a lot of us in the same situation.

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Yes, but she my late husband got vascular dementia from a stroke when my eldest was 13. Now my nest is almost empty and my mother has early dementia. My brother is in denial about it unfortunately. It’s tough. Ihadplansfor once my children were out of school- now I can look forward! to having no life for the next few years then I’ll be too ill myself to start my country home with a few gardens.
Try to find space to rest. I never knew did when my husband was alive. I tried to explain to my doctor once that I needed a Break but she wouldn’t get home care set up at all.
Right now I’m doing as little as possible for my Mum rather than supporting her so my brother has to acknowledge that she can’t do it herself. But she’s quiet around him and doesn’t tell him all the “stories “ she tells me, it’s infuriating. Like they are cutting down all the trees around her apartment, and building a lake and since October people in long dark coats keep circling around. ( I found out the people circling around are people getting off the bus stop).

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please don’t let your brother wriggle out of his share in your mother’s care which will only increase. Be assertive without being aggressive. Eg mum/brother rings says she needs something. You say I wish I could but I just can’t because ..................,,, However why don’t you call your son or sorry you will have to manage this one

my brother ran away to the other side of the world

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Yes. I’m 55. I’m autistic, as is my 16-year-old son. Mom is 88, in full caregiver burnout, because even though they are in a truly wonderful independent care facility, she won’t accept help with my 91-year-old Dad who lost his speech a few years ago to a stroke.
A breaking point came for me about two weeks ago. I hurt my back in January, and had taking it easy for about a week to recover. I thought I was well, but then I returned to my sometimes frantic routine too early and I started having pain again. Demands on my time kept mounting; The pain kept worsening, and I kept ignoring everything, because I really didn’t want to admit to myself how in. I had become physically. I I felt embarrassed for needing help myself, and scared that a doctor would tell me I couldn’t help all the people who relied on me.

Then my husband who has started succeeding in all kinds of comedy performances kept asking me to come see him perform multiple times a week, Since I’ve been encouraging him, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t seem enthusiastic finally asked me if I was afraid for some reason that I wouldn’t have the reaction he wanted me to. I had been telling him that I hadn’t been feeling very well, but he was so excited about what he was doing what I kept trying to tell him seem to fly right over his head. So finally I had to say very firmly, “I am in pain all the time and it’s getting worse. “ He asked me to see the doctor, so I did.

I knew my weight was up, but was was Surprised to learn that my blood pressure, which has always been on the very low side, was suddenly high. She put me on all kinds of global restrictions that are a big change for me, but if I was to get back to full functioning, I need to follow them. So now under her orders I’m Spending a lot of time at physical therapy, eating vegan, not doing much housework, not driving or even riding in cars for long distances, etc.

I’m doing better. So far I’ve lost 2 pounds in two weeks, I have much, much less pain, and have cut way down on social obligations. Most of the people I care about have been very understanding, which is a great blessing. Although my son doesn’t have much spoken language, he understands everything. I’m pretty sure he knows something is going on with me. Yesterday he brought me a big cup of water and said “Drink it, please.” My Mom is a bit of a trial sometimes, but at least she has held off on constantly asking me to visit, then in the same breath forbidding me to visit, and my husband has been pitching in all over the place. So I’m seeing that when I gather the courage to keep setting boundaries (with my doctor’s help) and asking for what I need until I get it, I’m starting to get back to the person I want to be.

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You have your hands full!

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Definitely me. I have 2 kids, one is an adult now, and one left at home who is 17. Both have extreme emotional needs are require a lot of time and support. I also take care of my 93 year old dad. You would think that because he is living in a residential care home that he needs less care and time, but I spent a good 10-20 hours a week on his needs. Being in the sandwich generation is highly stressful as I feel I'm being pulled from every which angle all the time. I have learned to ask for help, and take tiny bits of time for myself. In fact, I recently posted a video on my new YouTube channel about how to alleviate some of the sandwich generation stress. Check it out if you have time. It's hard, but we can all do little bits to take care of ourselves, and this forum has been a great place to come for support and normalization!

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How do we find it

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Yes!!! It’s very difficult!!
My 73 yo mother with dementia and medical issues lives with me and my family. I have a husband that works overnight shift as a cop (stressful enough lately) and four children. I also work part time. My children were five years to 13 years when I started to devote weekends to clean her house and pay her bills (she lived in another state). Eventually she started coming for months at a time and then moved in. She has lived with us for about 18 mo. I could go on and on about how HARD this is but I won’t because you all know that. To me, the hardest part is that my mom wants to be my whole life. But, my husband and my children need to be my whole life so I am constantly torn and frustrated. Yesterday I signed the paperwork for her to go to a memory care where she can get the care she needs. This is the most got-wrenching thing I might ever do but I know I need to do this for my family and my marriage. Please pray for me.

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You'll be fine. Keep your head up. ;-)

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I'm a bit older than many of the "sandwich generation" at 72. My mother is 95 and still in pretty good health but requires my help often for meds, groceries, drs. appt's etc. I'm an only child so it all falls on me. Then there is my son who lives at home with me. He went through a couple bad divorces, had some rough life experiences (which I won't go into) and needs me help with housing, childcare and emotional support. In the past 2 years I have had several surgeries so I am not in the best of health either. I have been trying to start a business on the side but my head just hasn't been in it lately. Sometimes I just want to run away to a cabin in the woods and watch the wildlife.

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62 with parents age 96 with dementia, and going on 102 and deaf. And demanding:-)

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i am in the CLUB sandwich between mother, husband, children and grandchildren.

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Yes you are!

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Someone in my support group is and I so worry about her and miss her when she is not there. I feel this category excludes single people who are constantly discriminated against because we don't necessarily have families in the traditional sense. But we still have to take care of ourselves, deal with work, keep up or friendships, and are fatigued from caregiving responsibilities as well. We become the everything for our parents because there is no one else. Especially those with no or absent siblings.

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No, no discrimination, I was just wondering how many people were in my similar situation. Kids or no kids caregiving is hard! My heart is with all caregivers!

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Yes. Started my family in my thirties. In my forties raising children while MIL was in her last challenging years. Then in my fifties with kids in high school/college and beyond caregiving for my 2 parents. Now sixty and all parents are gone and children are on their own. Miss parents every day, reclaiming my personal goals and health.

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Good for you!

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I worry about this everyday. I'm caring for mom, raising teens and providing support to my adult children who cannot afford to live on their own due high cost of living. My spouse and I are entrepreneurs who fight everyday to keep working, my physical health is drowning but what can one do. The support is very limited. I’m already in my fifties when this storm is over where and who wil hire me. Some say put her in a home and continue with your life but how can you do that to someone who sacrificed so much for you. To place them in an environment where they don’t know anyone at least my voice is somewhat familiar or they sense that the person that is near them or with them when they wake up or when you put them to bed is someone familiar; although they may know in what way that we are familiar to them. Putting my mom in assisted living to me is like putting your child in day care or boarding school and forgetting them, leaving the work to someone else. I know deep down there’s a plan for us caregivers but I just can’t see it nor is it tangible but caregivers do what’s best each day for their love ones cause it’s the right thing to do no matter what. All I wish for is that those of us whose LO are not receiving government help would get other form of assistance at least.

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Okay. Your not the generation the poster was asking about but this should help you; placing a loved one in a facility is not an act of hate. It's done out of love for that loved ones own safety. Stop looking at it as if it's "your job" only and do what's best for your aging loved one. It takes a village to raise a child, and an aging loved one is no different in this case. Asking for help by placing a loved one in a facility does not make you weak: if anything it shows how strong you are by asking for the help in the first place.

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Okay a lot of the responses came from baby boomers (not the sandwich generation). Ugh. I'm a xennial. We're a small hybrid between Gen Xers and Millennials. My 76 yr old mother is in a NH, has 2 types of dementia and constantly drives me crazy. She's my baby right now as I chose not to have children. My husband is my rock. We've been together nearly 10 years, married nearly 8. My health and my mother's wellbeing are my main concerns as is the health & wellbeing of my husband. We do the best we can but it's not easy. The only thing we do is take it one day at a time. That's it. I don't work bc of my disability. I earn SSDI once a month. It's hard not knowing if it's even possible for me to get and keep a job bc of my illness. I'll learn more about it as time marches on. Mom's on hospice now so all we do is keep moving forward.... one day at a time. Oh, almost forgot, usually every now and then I'm having to raise Holy Hell with the staff at the NH. They're not perfect, they do drop the ball sometimes, but hey they're only human.

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I am. We have my mom here with Alzheimer’s and my daughter who is in college. My husband has MD so I guess I’m a “club sandwich” 😄.

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Love it!

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If your born 60-68 your old x
Born 68-75 middle x
75-78 younger generation x

Cuase One of the major qualifiers for gen x Is you would had to be in high school at some point in the 80s.

Sand which is prob most of middle and younger gen x.

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I think it is the middle baby boomers and definitely the tail end, like me now in their late fifties early sixties

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Good topic! I was "sandwiched" from age 59 to 62 because at age 38 I started having kids and Mom lived to 90 after 3 years in a SNF 75 miles away. This is not typical per your post of "thirties and forties," but I described myself as sandwiched.

Youngest attended college and moved in and out of the house several times during the three years Mom declined in the SNF. He was most helpful to visit and cared about his family while completing his education. Spouse never complained about my train and bus trips to visit Mom, though he himself is disabled. I used the travel time to read or simply look out the window at scenery. I attended each SNF care meeting because my sibs live out of state. I worked from home so job attendance wasn't an issue.

Mom died with children and grandchildren at her side and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Looking back, the pub trans travel time /was/ self care; it wouldn't have been if I'd driven the 150 mile round trips, which I stopped early during Mom's decline. Now I'm 65, Youngest moved out 50 miles away, and I've stopped driving Spouse for his 110 mile and 200 mile round trips to VA hospitals, and life is easier because nothing drained me like driving.

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My last one born at 40. Know how you feel.

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That would be me...I'm 40, married and have a 1st grader. My mom is 66, and lives with us, for now. Been caring for her for the last 2 years almost since she lost her independence due to her condition. It is not easy, there is no spontaneous trips or outings, every thing needs to be planned in advance. I worry about the impact to my health, my marriage, motherhood. I hate not being able to enjoy this stage of my life the way she did. I feel it was selfish of her to expect so much from me. We are looking into having her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility.

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Right decision

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Not in 30's or 40's, rather 70, I was sandwiched with a grandchild to help one of my sons raise and parents who needed my help daily. Then care of my mom when my dad died and her Alzheimer's progressed. The grandson, at 16, has finally gotten a step mom to be his other parent, so I can just be Grandma now. My mom has moved to assisted living, but I still see her every day. Since I'm the only person in the world she knows, I have to stay close. I'm still working, so all of this has take a toll on me, but it is better now. I look back and wonder how I did it and at the same time glad I was able to.

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nearly 60, caring for parents both with dementia, step dad just passed away in february, looking after my granddaughter when my daughter is at work. i wonder how long this sandwich position should last. best of luck to you all

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I am older but was working full time taking care of a sick husband and grocery shopping and handling emergencies for my mom! I finally could not continue to work do due to frequent hospital visits for husband. My wonderful boss let me work from home but with my own chronic pain, it was too much! My husband now needs almost 24/7 care. Toileting, eating, showering and so on! I passed burnout a long time ago! However my faith and trust that God will get me through each day helps. When I read all of the troubles that others share, I feel I have it easier than a lot of caregivers on this site.

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It sounds like you have full time caregiving job! One word-grocery delivery! It will change your life. I guess that is two words.

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I am curious how many people here on the forum are considered in the "sandwich generation"?

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