noun
a generation of people, typically in their thirties or forties, responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.
I just wonder if anyone else has the same concerns about your self care, job, family time, spouse connection, caregiver fatigue and showing up for your parent with love and dedication?
Yes, I have concerns about all the things you mentioned. Even without children, I worry that I've taken on too much. I work 50-60 hours a week, and I find that I'm having to take an increasingly number of days and half-days off to deal with my mother's medical issues and appointments. Two trips to the ER and a cancer scare in six months. I'm exhausted, and flustered, fatigued, irritable, and find myself exasperated at the thought of another long Saturday at Hobby Lobby (Mom's nirvana) shopping for more craft projects. I barely get to spend time with my husband and when I do, its also with my FIL whom we live with to take care of him so he can stay in his home and not go to an assisted living. So there is no alone time.
So, yes. All of those things, I worry about. I fear I have 10-15 more years of this. I'm not sure I can last that long.
Does that make me a double decker sandwich?
My siblings don't help. I haven't been able to work because I had to be at his house every day. Consequently, I have no insurance which makes it challenging to address my own illness.
Just recently I started creating some boundaries. I was able to reduce the number of days I spend at his house. Said "no" to family gatherings. And have suggested, very strongly, that he become comfortable with seeking other social activities such as classes at a senior center. I told my sisters that he had just started dementia medicine, and that they need to visit him more often.
I'm okay with taking him to Dr. visits, and I understand he wants to stay in his home, but my soul is screaming! I need an income, a purpose, and the space to heal.
There are options for assistance, through various agencies. We really don't have to do this alone. Yes, our parents may feel hurt because they expect us to be their care givers--but if we don't care for ourselves, where does that leave them? If I succumb to this cancer, he's pretty much alone--I have to take care of me. Starting to set these boundaries is difficult, often emotional... I don't think there is any perfect situation, any answer that will make all of us happy.
he is 90 !!
Siblings happy for you to carry the load
if you are the youngest then they must be retired or near retirement
as the youngest, hat makes you the “walking stick”
you have the means to put him in a care facility but you don’t. Why. Are the others afraid this will dwindle their inheritance?
you are and/or have been very ill
if you still don’t see the answer then post me back
I guess there are many cases in which the grandparent lives to see how the grandchild's hair is graying--my 100 y/o uncles along with his 50 y/o grandson was one.
A few years ago I was at an interstate highway rest area where I saw a couple that appeared quite elderly--and in between them was a woman who appeared to be little more than skin and bones that the couple was almost carrying. It (obviously) made an impression on me, and I wondered what their respective ages were.
I say to you 'welcome to the club' & you too will survive just those of us older have - first rule is make time for yourself even if you have to pay someone to mow the lawn or clean the house so that you are not burning the candle on both ends
Try to be kind to yourself - remember that Superwoman & Superman are not human but come from a different planet so don't try to be them as that sets you up for failure/fatigue - prioritize issues & the best way to know if something is necessary to be done now is the 1 year test .... that is will it be important a year from now? so if the bed isn't made then fine, if the laundry isn't folded right away also fine but make sure to keep everyone safe so throw out suspicious food as you will remember going to hospital for food poisoning a year from now
Try to delegate as much as possible - 10 year olds can set the table for you, 8 year olds can empty the dishwasher for you & so on - you'll also be giving them life skills
Well said! I agree with everything you said! I have taken to gerocery delivery, setteling for how the kids do their cleaning and took a job closer to home and to help save my sanity. I try to pre-plan and schedule as much as possible. I have been self coaching myself out of eating and drinking too much, I am getting there. I don’t want to get sick myself. My hope for everyone on this site is they find time to take care of themselves as much as possible so they don’t get sick too!
My siblings (both older than me and with only one grown child apiece) were happy to let me do all the caregiving while they held their hands out to "borrow" money from mom. One had the audacity to accuse me publicly of "being supported by mom." Mom and I sat and figured how much it cost her to gift him with a vehicle, save his house from foreclosure 3 times, have his utilities turned back on at least 10 times, and let him use her credit cards. The total was a little under $100,000 and not a penny paid back. The other sibling had car and health insurance paid for monthly, groceries bought, doctor bills, dentist bills and medication paid for over several years totaling around $70,000 - never paid back. I never borrowed one dime from my mother and when we were sharing a home, we split all expenses but I had all the house and yard work. To say I was stressed to the max would be an understatement. When she went into memory care, I actually got some of my life back. I visit her every weekend, pay her bills, do her paperwork and her shopping. One sibling does her doctor appointments, the other sees her briefly 4 times a year. We all live within 20 miles of her facility. I never envisioned my life being everyone's caregiver, but that's what happened. I sometimes wonder what I would do with myself if I actually had no responsibilities.
In 2017, Mom (now 89 yrs) fell, broke her hip, became very ill, refused to go to a NH and was released to come home with limited PT. She never walked again. Suddenly, I was needed to care for her completely, with my Dad (now 89 yrs) doing everything he could with his own MAJOR health issues, including leukemia (CLL) diagnosed in 2018. I've been able to enjoy diapering, feeding, bathing, shopping, dr appts, jumping when she makes Dad call me for something unnecessary. It became a closed system, with their needs always first, never ALLOWING a discussion about in-home care, AL, NH.... Just more deflection, changing the subject. etc...
I hired 1 P/T caregiver June 2017, forced Mom & Dad to pay her and accept it. Hired caregiver #2 in January 2019 for weekends. I have had to accept that they are not going to return to the loving parents I remember. Neither has dementia and I do not have POA only DPOA, and they will not hear my need for some kind of pre-planning for their future.
This is where I am at. I do not have to feel sorry for them, that they are 89 yrs old. Actually, it's fantastic they have had so many wonderful years together and the alternative to aging aches and pains is.... well... reality of being 89 years old. I will not stop my life to care for Mom when DAD inevitably dies first (he's 6'1" and 139 lbs) from exhaustion. I will transfer her to whatever closest NH facility has an opening when it happens.
It is heartbreaking to see my father barely make it down the hallway to reach her Highness. I bring dinners so that my Dad can have nutritious food. She is sitting in fluffed pillows, makeup on, no bed sores, completely quaffed and comfortable. She wants a whistle so Dad can hear her: she broke her bell trying to get his attention. She is getting NO WHISTLE. Over my dead body.
I have gone from loving my Mom to despising her completely. This is not the way to leave a legacy. This is the way your turn your daughter into your slave.
Thoughts anyone??
Unite
i am tired and resentful and frustrated and just work out caring for everyone all the time.