My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living.
I am exhausted cooking for her, shopping and returning things sometimes 3 + times for same item because it’s not what she wants, I am very budget conscious but I can’t always find cloths for 10.00!
She is very stubborn and wants what she wants and sometimes it is inappropriate. I get her a new bedspread and she wants it extra big. I say not safe to hang on floor because she could trip. All she does is complain. Today I took her to her 4th doctors appt this month and she said to doctor I don’t have time to take her shopping! She also said it in waiting room. I visit her 3 times week, do her shopping and cooking. I make her home safe and decorate
it for each season. I do her bills and hand sew her pants hems and she announced to doctor I don’t have time for her!
She only lives independently because I take her of all her needs. I take her shopping every other week but it’s too much on me to take her on big shopping trips. Sometimes I am lifting her walker in and out of the car 6 times in a shopping day.
I have a caretaker to help when I am out of town but she refuses to let her come over to help me .
I have a brother who visits once a month for 1-2 hours and it’s a miracle she can cook him dinner but can’t cook for herself. He never takes her on any errands or do any chores except the hug job of opening a jar of pickles for her!
Today I have returned her 4th set of shoe inserts and she wants another kind.
She insisted on a single blanket for her bed and now wants it returned. It’s too heavy and to big! I tried to get her a threw blanket but she refused!
I am so frustrated!
She secretly signed another year’s contract with the apartment company so I won’t move her to assisted living!
She is 88 with only short term memory less and problem solving issues which are normal for her age.
She does keep her apartment clean and my wonderful husband washes her floor.
I feel so used up. I quit my job because I can’t keep up without being totally exhausted. I am 64 years old.
I have cared for my father and my mother in law before they died and I am soo tired of being a caregiver.
I cared for my family in my childhood because of family dysfunction and am so sick of it. My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well.
Thank you for reading my complaint.
Everyone tells me I should be thankful she is still with me. I sure don’t feel thankful and feel guilt about it.
I will keep trying my best.
I do feel for you. I also feel lined up for multi-fam members (both sides) & am worn out & done with caregiving. I want a little puppy to love & a shack by the sea & that is it! 🐕
Take her to look at a 2-3 Assisted Living Places and tell her she has to choose one and don't take no for an answer.
Or....
Sounds like you're about all used up and should not have let it gone this far and this long.
You need Me Time, You Need to learn how to say No and You deffiently Need to know how to set Boundaries!
Take some much needed Time Off!!!
Let mom know you're not feeling well and are run down and you're no longer able to keep it up.
Let her know she made the decision to stay where she was so she'll have to pay for Care help and that includes going shopping.
They have rides for Seniors even ones in Wheel Chairs.
Have the Caregiver take her shopping or her son can take her.
Stop cooking for her, she can order in or buy really good frozen microwave dinners like Lein Cuzine Meals.
Grocery Shop On Line and have her groceries delivered.
Let mom Hire a maid as husband doesn't need to mop the floor.
Tell her from now on, she'll have to keep what she buys that you'll no longer be returning things but she can ask her son to return them, after he opens her pickle jar.
Let you mom know that you will still be seeing her but only for Fun things like Going out to Eat, Getting a Manicure or Pedicure, Getting a Massage, Going to see a Movie, ect.
Life is too short to live it all for others and in the end, you'll either die before the ones you take care of or you'll get sick and No One to Care for You.
Prayers.
What I've seen from my girlfriends who cared for their mothers is that their moms never appreciated it and it was "Never enough". This is purposefully used as a manipulation tactic. By being permanently dissatisfied with their daughters, they ensure that their daughters will keep trying to win their approval and make them happy, and their daughters just worked themselves until their Moms died, but Mom was never grateful or happy with them.
Why? Why can't both of these elders move into a facility near where your son lives?
The other alternative is to just move your H's older sister and let your brother deal with your mother. I bet in no time flat she would be moved into a facility.
You need to remind your Mom, you are her daughter not a caregiver.
She sounds like she needs a dose of reality, that you have a life and family, and that doesn't mean you don't love her, but remind her you are aging as well and can not handle both households anymore and that maybe you can talk to the caregiver or if it is state funded talk to them about needing more hours for your Mom.
It is not fair for you to go home exhausted and probably crying because you have compassion fatigue.
Compassion fatigue is real it is described as physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others.
You should talk to your Dr. about it.
And do some relaxing time for yourself, take a long bubble bath with epson salts, go do something fun with your Husband.
Try to get back to a life that was comfortable before you took on your Mothers needs.
Your Mom seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and the fact that you are her daughter and she expects you to jump every time she says jump.
I really think you need to sit down with her and have the conversation and by you setting up the help that she needs, should obsolve you from feeling guilty and give you a sense of relief that you have set your Mom up to have a good quality of life, so you can move on with your own life.
Let her know you will visit her and call her and that you are not abandoning her, but it is your love for her that you are setting things up for her.
I wish you the very best, I know you can do this, you are doing this for both of you, not just your Mom.
I will leave you with a quote " God will give you Grace for your place".
I know you don't want to hear this but stop being a doormat. Returning things 3+ times to suit her is ridiculous. I am all for CARING for your mother, but you are CATERING and she is used to it and feeling entitled. Start putting your foot down and setting boundaries. If your Mom can cook for your brother and clean her own apartment, she is surely more independent than you are making her out to be. I understand you do need to go shopping, pay bills, and drive her where she needs to be. However, if you need help doing any of these things, or any other thing for her care taking, insist on hiring someone for that purpose. Why are you letting her call all the shots? When you buy her something tell her to enjoy it because it can't be returned. If you think the blanket is ok and not too heavy, leave it there. Stop making work for yourself by trying to make things perfect for your Mom - it's impossible. You are a caring and loving daughter who wants validation from your mom, but she is too busy controlling you to appreciate all you do. Please re-consider your role in this equation.
When you set limits on her - she will be angry/resentful/manipulative - and having that overflow into the document process may get much much harder.
She allows someone to handle caretaking chores if you are out of town. Sounds like you need to be out of town right now (as far as she knows) and let caretaker come in for more than a week or so. Cell phones travel with you, so just because she can call you won't give it away that you're really at home. Tell her you will be out of town for several weeks and caretaker will be coming. After you get back, go visit a few times as though things are back to normal, then you could have a little episode of being down in your back - caretaker needs to come again for about a week.
She's used to you providing everything she needs and as long as you continue to provide, she has no real need for caretakers she has to pay for. Perhaps being unavailable for a short while will break her dependence a little.
As for her signing a new lease, they will let you know when her abilities are no longer compatible to care they will provide in that setting. You might tell her that she must let others come in to help her because she is really no longer 'independent' while you're doing all the work. Caretakers can help you keep her there longer, but if she refuses caretakers and starts calling for help, the facility will not let her stay - they will move her to section that provides more care and she will have to pay more for that anyway. Better to get paid help now if she wants to stay where she is for a longer period of time.
How about an app to get her groceries ordered and delivered? She can pay for that too.
Add the number of a local dry cleaner who does alterations. They can hem and repair her clothes. Make sure they pick up and deliver, and will do her laundry. At her expense.
If she is in a seniors building they most likely have cleaning services available. Schedule them to clean her apartment either weekly or biweekly, and they can add that to her bill.
Schedule her doctors' appointments when it is convenient for you. If it isn't convenient, remind her to use the Uber app.
Now that you have that all arranged, visit no more than once weekly, and make it a social visit. Talk about old times, special events that were memorable, look at pictures together. Maybe bring in carry-out for a meal. Then share a hug and kiss and say good-bye.
I bet you will feel better! (And afterwards you and darling husband can go out for a quiet evening together...)
If she has short term memory loss and problem solving issues, that is a huge problem and where you need to start. You cannot reason with someone who has either of those issues. There is no explaining or waiting for her to understand. All of that is gone.
How is she when the hired caregiver is there with her? Have you asked the hired caregiver her perspective on your mother? Has her doctor evaluated her for cognitive issues?
There is a difference in a difficult parent who doesn't respect boundaries and a parent who is having cognitive issues.
Just inform her she can shop on line (just the thought of her arguing with the staff when she want to return something is sweet justice).
She can pay for her own cleaning staff from now on. She can pay a taxi to take her to her Dr.'s appointments.
Freeloaders never appreciate your help and only pay you back with abuse. Believe me know from being a care giver with my mom. I have taken a few online courses in how to handle narcissist's and it has helped me out tremendously. The abuse in this house has gone down considerably.
When she belittles you in public just inform her she gets what she pays for. If you do not like my help then get it somewhere else. Get up and walk out on her. When she calls to b**** at you just inform her that her attitude is not appreciated nor tolerated anymore. Inform her you need a month to discuss any further assistance you MIGHT give her. Before any assistance is given she must apologize. If she refuses to apologize it is because she is not sorry and the abuse will continue. Hold her accountable for her actions.
A man or woman only has as much power over you as you give them.
Break the lease, how much is a penalty? If you can afford to do it, do it
I like the online ordering. Get yourself an Amazon account ,easy returns…Or just don’t change the things out that she isn’t happy with. Start declining.
I know the frustrate and hurt , when your mom lies to a medical professional. It’s insulting….correct her as kindly as possible.my mother told a visiting nurse I hit her … I did not. ..my mother hit me.
Get your life back. I know that people will say you should be happy that you have…, I hate it when people say that to me, The stress of everybody’s caregiving path is different
No outside help allowed. Only me.
I burned out. We discussed her “independence” and I made a list of what I could do for her. She was to account for the rest, either by doing it herself, or hiring help. That made her very angry, and she accused me of being selfish.
Long story short: diagnosed with dementia, incapable of caring for herself or making decisions. Please do not make my mistake of accepting that some short term memory loss and selfish behaviour are normal for her age.
Like me, you will never do enough. Suck it up and let her rage at you while you set up an assessment for a diagnosis. You cannot keep her happy so focus on keeping her safe. Shift the power. I’ve transitioned from useless daughter to welcome visitor. She has zero memory of the 18 years she lived with us. Best of all, I am a wife and mother again, loving life with my own family.
Edit: If your mother is certain she’s living so independently, give her a chance to do so. Tell her you are hurt or ill and take a week to recover. Her reaction will speak volumes. (My mother was merciless when I was post-op, pounding on my bedroom door, ordering my kids to get me out of bed. Some display of independence.)
But seriously, your real life trail-by-fire experience gives excellent solid advice.
Do not keep trying your best. Walk away, She does not appreciate all your sacrifice. She expects it. Feels entitled to it.
News flash—you have a right to your own life. It is not your job to be her step-and-fetch-it girl. Sure you want to help mom. But that help needs boundaries. Her conduct shows no regard for you. She signed a new lease, that’s her problem. Stop letting her use you. Stop letting her make it all her way. Decide what you can comfortably do—doc appointments, shopping once a week, whatever work for you—not her. Let go with love.
Good luck.
This is why you are frustrated.
S T O P - although you need to understand why you are behaving as you do otherwise you will continue the cycle.
"IF" you are too tired and 'sick of it" you would stop the repeated behavior.
There are reasons and feelings underneath your behavior. Until you understand what is running you, you will continue the pattern of behavior (both your mom's reaction to you) and how you respond to her. This is a rat chasing its tail.
You need to be able to stop for things to change.
It sounds like therapy would help you.
First of all, hire caregivers and YOU stop working w/your mother - at least for a week or two (after you train someone). If you mom refuses their / other caregivers, this is her choice and you need to tell her that ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT keep doing what you have been doing.
Her choice is:
[ ] caregiver(s) from agency or elsewhere
[ ] no care
[x] daughter on strike / time out
[x] things are going to change if you want me to support you.
Gena
Please make an appointment with her doctor to have her checked for mental competency. It appears she is running you ragged with her inappropriate demands and shopping. Please make a list of everything that she needs help with. Her doctor will tell her and you that she needs to move to assisted living or allow more help into the home.
In the meantime, please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They are very successful in helping people with creating healthy ways of dealing with problem behaviors - this is called creating boundaries.