My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living.
I am exhausted cooking for her, shopping and returning things sometimes 3 + times for same item because it’s not what she wants, I am very budget conscious but I can’t always find cloths for 10.00!
She is very stubborn and wants what she wants and sometimes it is inappropriate. I get her a new bedspread and she wants it extra big. I say not safe to hang on floor because she could trip. All she does is complain. Today I took her to her 4th doctors appt this month and she said to doctor I don’t have time to take her shopping! She also said it in waiting room. I visit her 3 times week, do her shopping and cooking. I make her home safe and decorate
it for each season. I do her bills and hand sew her pants hems and she announced to doctor I don’t have time for her!
She only lives independently because I take her of all her needs. I take her shopping every other week but it’s too much on me to take her on big shopping trips. Sometimes I am lifting her walker in and out of the car 6 times in a shopping day.
I have a caretaker to help when I am out of town but she refuses to let her come over to help me .
I have a brother who visits once a month for 1-2 hours and it’s a miracle she can cook him dinner but can’t cook for herself. He never takes her on any errands or do any chores except the hug job of opening a jar of pickles for her!
Today I have returned her 4th set of shoe inserts and she wants another kind.
She insisted on a single blanket for her bed and now wants it returned. It’s too heavy and to big! I tried to get her a threw blanket but she refused!
I am so frustrated!
She secretly signed another year’s contract with the apartment company so I won’t move her to assisted living!
She is 88 with only short term memory less and problem solving issues which are normal for her age.
She does keep her apartment clean and my wonderful husband washes her floor.
I feel so used up. I quit my job because I can’t keep up without being totally exhausted. I am 64 years old.
I have cared for my father and my mother in law before they died and I am soo tired of being a caregiver.
I cared for my family in my childhood because of family dysfunction and am so sick of it. My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well.
Thank you for reading my complaint.
Everyone tells me I should be thankful she is still with me. I sure don’t feel thankful and feel guilt about it.
I will keep trying my best.
While it's true you are blessed to have her with you, she is also blessed to have you. But it sounds like you have spoiled her, and that's not good for either of you.
You need to set some limits. For example, you will only go back to the store one time on any one item, and it has to be for a good reason. I realize "good reason" is something she will try to stretch, but put your foot down when (not if) she does. Tell her you will be no good to her if you drop of exhaustion.
My mother, now departed, used to equate service with love. Ask your mother if she is doing that. Ask her if there is some other way you could show her your love, rather than running around doing redundant tasks all the time. Ask her if she loves you!
Tell her you want to feel loved too, but you don't when she complains about you to the doctor, etc.
Those are just some ideas. I'm not a professional counselor or anything close to it. But I have learned a lot about dealing with a demanding mother. If you haven't read the book Boundaries, start there. Then read anything else by those same authors. They specialize in difficult relationships.
God bless.
She wants your company but doesn’t know how to ask for it.
Tell her she is hurting you and you need her to stop... Tell her if she doesn’t hire a full time caregiver you will just stop being her slave.
Think back about how she was raised by her own parents (if she ever talked about it) and maybe you’ll understand why she’s acting like this. And it’s obvious she has a fave kid, her son. Don’t let this hurt your feelings, act like a duck and let it fool off. And stop enabling the way she is acting. In other words if she doesn’t like a blanket, tell her she will have to live it, you’re NOT taking it back
Stand your ground. She’ll get sooner than later.
love and light and luck
If I know I am going to be taking her to a medical appointment, I will (if I feel up to it, no pressure) fix a meal and prepare extra so that I can bring that to her on the same day as her appointment. Kills two birds with one stone and she is happy to not have to cook that evening. This is very easy to do and you do it at your own pace and schedule. Only do this if you have time and energy.
If I know I will be visiting her, I always bring something with me. Usually it is a few groceries, something like milk, cookies, cleaning supplies, etc. Only a few items. This helps always keeping her pantry or fridge stocked and I don't have to lug a full load of groceries each time. I do however, do a grocery run for her every few weeks or so. My grocery does the shopping and I pickup at the store. I do not have to go into the store for this service and it is a nominal fee. It's done curbside and I deliver and put away the goods at her home. I ask my mom to keep a running list and I do the ordering from my pc at home for her. I also take the liberty of adding items once in a while that I think she needs and forgot to put on her list. Or I will add an extra item or two when I think she is underestimating how many she needs of something. This keeps the frustration level down for me.
I take PURPOSEFUL breaks from her when I am stressed. I will take 3-4 days off and just handle my own life and that can be renewing for your emotional and physical health. I also try to limit the number of visits per week. Sometimes you can't but other times you CAN get that 10 day break. Take advantage of that. If you have unplanned ER visits, all bets are off and you must allow yourself a BIG break when it is safe to do so, when things are resolved. ER visits are draining, physically and emotionally.
I am kind but firm when I explain to my mom how I want to handle something, whatever that may be, groceries, cleaning, etc. I tell her exactly what I need her to do (within reason) and what I will do. I am flexible, because life happens. I also utilize Rx delivery services so I don't need to run to the pharmacy for her.
I give some thought to what tasks I will handle before I leave my home for a visit. It might be changing the bedding, taking out recycling, cleaning a sink... this way I feel in control of what I am willing to do without getting frustrated about it. And some days, if you are tired, perhaps you do only one thing. That is ok. You will get to other things when you feel up to it. You decide what you are capable of doing that day.
I hope this gives you some ideas on how someone else structures their visits. It's not a perfect system by any means, but it has helped me.
You have created a good system that works for both of you. I use the word *created* as it it is clear your setup didn't happen by accident.
I like how you have bundled some smaller tasks & factor down time in after bigger tasks ie ER visits (just sitting around there for 6 hours or so is so so draining). Being realistic about your capabilities & energy is very sensible.
Its true that you deserve help. Its amazing that you've been able to do all you have for such a long time. However, you are the only one who can change what's happening. It didn't happen overnight and it won't get fixed overnight.
Set limits. Don't take your mom's things back 6 times!!! Clearly, she doesn't really know what she wants. Learn to say no. And if she's unhappy about it, tell her you'll come back to see her when she's feeling better and then leave. Don't enable her to run you ragged! You are not a bad daughter if you do your best and then let her be upset that she can't keep pushing you into doing more and more. She's probably lonely and sad and frustrated but guess what? So are you! You and your own family should come first. Tell her what you expect from her as well. Even if she needs cognitive care, she can understand the word no but you may have to repeat it several times before she sees that you aren't going to bend to her will.
About your bother, men often don't approach a situation the way we women do. Being angry with your brother for not stepping in won't help. Make a list of things he can do each week and hand it to him (keep a copy). Many men will do what they're asked to do if they know what's expected. Don't be general in your expectations; be specific. Say, "your job is to pick up the shopping list each Monday, do the shopping and put it away," for example. Whatever you do, show appreciation for your brother's contribution however small. Getting angry with him for not doing enough will result in his doing even less. You can't change him at this stage of the game. He's probably in his 60's too and pretty set in his ways. Stop trying to change him; it will only result in frustration.
Again, give your brother specific, written lists of your expectations. If he can't do what you're asking, then ask (don't tell) him to please pay for someone to come in his stead. You will probably have to find that person and negotiate the cost but it will be worth it. Show appreciation for everything he does.
Take care of you. You can't help anyone if you get sick, too. So, set limits. Speak to your mother's doctor and ask if he can legally qualify her as having dementia. It will take a doctor's approval but once you get that, you have other options for her care and may be able to get her out of that lease. Once you do that, she can be placed in the right facility for her.
Of course you appreciate her still being here; she's your mother, but you can't do it all by yourself. You need help. And you need to take care of yourself.
it's tough. and the kinder you are...well, it can be tougher than for non-empathetic people, since you care.
indeed, it almost seems that the people who really "succeed" (top of a business, etc...) are the rude, mean ones...kicking others down on their way up. non-empathy also means you don't care about others: a life-time of TIME to focus just on you!!
it almost seems to be a disadvantage to be kind in this world.
it's not.
hug!!!
try to find some balance -- be just as kind to yourself.
it helps, i think for some of us, if our parent/s themselves would give us the ----- "permission"/encouragement --- saying "go work on your life! i want you to!"
some of us do receive that "permission"/encouragement.
(i really think many of us yearn for that "PERMISSION").
some of us don't receive that.
then, you have to draw that line yourself ("i've done enough. i love you. but i must work on my life. if i don't, i'll drown. and i know that you -- in reality -- dear mother/father, want me live a full life."
dear everyone, draw the line, if you feel you've reached it:
"i've done enough."
put all that kindness into/towards yourself.
you have a lot of kindness!!
and if necessary, yes look at yourself from the outside: what would you do for this kind/exhausted/frustrated/sweet person?
dear TaylorUK, your words weren't meant for me, but they help me, too!! :)
you said:
"You deserve to look after you"
"Good luck and enjoy a break"
hugs!!
bundle of joy :)
Just say no, and make sure the doctor knows she is lying.
After many years of care giving and my deterioration, a good friend asked me the question 'why do you think his life is more important than yours'. I didn't necessarily feel that way, but understood what she was asking after the many years of care giving. You might ask yourself the same question and be honest with yourself with the answer.
Please make an appointment with her doctor to have her checked for mental competency. It appears she is running you ragged with her inappropriate demands and shopping. Please make a list of everything that she needs help with. Her doctor will tell her and you that she needs to move to assisted living or allow more help into the home.
In the meantime, please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They are very successful in helping people with creating healthy ways of dealing with problem behaviors - this is called creating boundaries.
This is why you are frustrated.
S T O P - although you need to understand why you are behaving as you do otherwise you will continue the cycle.
"IF" you are too tired and 'sick of it" you would stop the repeated behavior.
There are reasons and feelings underneath your behavior. Until you understand what is running you, you will continue the pattern of behavior (both your mom's reaction to you) and how you respond to her. This is a rat chasing its tail.
You need to be able to stop for things to change.
It sounds like therapy would help you.
First of all, hire caregivers and YOU stop working w/your mother - at least for a week or two (after you train someone). If you mom refuses their / other caregivers, this is her choice and you need to tell her that ALTHOUGH YOU DO NOT keep doing what you have been doing.
Her choice is:
[ ] caregiver(s) from agency or elsewhere
[ ] no care
[x] daughter on strike / time out
[x] things are going to change if you want me to support you.
Gena
Do not keep trying your best. Walk away, She does not appreciate all your sacrifice. She expects it. Feels entitled to it.
News flash—you have a right to your own life. It is not your job to be her step-and-fetch-it girl. Sure you want to help mom. But that help needs boundaries. Her conduct shows no regard for you. She signed a new lease, that’s her problem. Stop letting her use you. Stop letting her make it all her way. Decide what you can comfortably do—doc appointments, shopping once a week, whatever work for you—not her. Let go with love.
Good luck.
No outside help allowed. Only me.
I burned out. We discussed her “independence” and I made a list of what I could do for her. She was to account for the rest, either by doing it herself, or hiring help. That made her very angry, and she accused me of being selfish.
Long story short: diagnosed with dementia, incapable of caring for herself or making decisions. Please do not make my mistake of accepting that some short term memory loss and selfish behaviour are normal for her age.
Like me, you will never do enough. Suck it up and let her rage at you while you set up an assessment for a diagnosis. You cannot keep her happy so focus on keeping her safe. Shift the power. I’ve transitioned from useless daughter to welcome visitor. She has zero memory of the 18 years she lived with us. Best of all, I am a wife and mother again, loving life with my own family.
Edit: If your mother is certain she’s living so independently, give her a chance to do so. Tell her you are hurt or ill and take a week to recover. Her reaction will speak volumes. (My mother was merciless when I was post-op, pounding on my bedroom door, ordering my kids to get me out of bed. Some display of independence.)
But seriously, your real life trail-by-fire experience gives excellent solid advice.
Break the lease, how much is a penalty? If you can afford to do it, do it
I like the online ordering. Get yourself an Amazon account ,easy returns…Or just don’t change the things out that she isn’t happy with. Start declining.
I know the frustrate and hurt , when your mom lies to a medical professional. It’s insulting….correct her as kindly as possible.my mother told a visiting nurse I hit her … I did not. ..my mother hit me.
Get your life back. I know that people will say you should be happy that you have…, I hate it when people say that to me, The stress of everybody’s caregiving path is different
Just inform her she can shop on line (just the thought of her arguing with the staff when she want to return something is sweet justice).
She can pay for her own cleaning staff from now on. She can pay a taxi to take her to her Dr.'s appointments.
Freeloaders never appreciate your help and only pay you back with abuse. Believe me know from being a care giver with my mom. I have taken a few online courses in how to handle narcissist's and it has helped me out tremendously. The abuse in this house has gone down considerably.
When she belittles you in public just inform her she gets what she pays for. If you do not like my help then get it somewhere else. Get up and walk out on her. When she calls to b**** at you just inform her that her attitude is not appreciated nor tolerated anymore. Inform her you need a month to discuss any further assistance you MIGHT give her. Before any assistance is given she must apologize. If she refuses to apologize it is because she is not sorry and the abuse will continue. Hold her accountable for her actions.
A man or woman only has as much power over you as you give them.
If she has short term memory loss and problem solving issues, that is a huge problem and where you need to start. You cannot reason with someone who has either of those issues. There is no explaining or waiting for her to understand. All of that is gone.
How is she when the hired caregiver is there with her? Have you asked the hired caregiver her perspective on your mother? Has her doctor evaluated her for cognitive issues?
There is a difference in a difficult parent who doesn't respect boundaries and a parent who is having cognitive issues.
How about an app to get her groceries ordered and delivered? She can pay for that too.
Add the number of a local dry cleaner who does alterations. They can hem and repair her clothes. Make sure they pick up and deliver, and will do her laundry. At her expense.
If she is in a seniors building they most likely have cleaning services available. Schedule them to clean her apartment either weekly or biweekly, and they can add that to her bill.
Schedule her doctors' appointments when it is convenient for you. If it isn't convenient, remind her to use the Uber app.
Now that you have that all arranged, visit no more than once weekly, and make it a social visit. Talk about old times, special events that were memorable, look at pictures together. Maybe bring in carry-out for a meal. Then share a hug and kiss and say good-bye.
I bet you will feel better! (And afterwards you and darling husband can go out for a quiet evening together...)
She allows someone to handle caretaking chores if you are out of town. Sounds like you need to be out of town right now (as far as she knows) and let caretaker come in for more than a week or so. Cell phones travel with you, so just because she can call you won't give it away that you're really at home. Tell her you will be out of town for several weeks and caretaker will be coming. After you get back, go visit a few times as though things are back to normal, then you could have a little episode of being down in your back - caretaker needs to come again for about a week.
She's used to you providing everything she needs and as long as you continue to provide, she has no real need for caretakers she has to pay for. Perhaps being unavailable for a short while will break her dependence a little.
As for her signing a new lease, they will let you know when her abilities are no longer compatible to care they will provide in that setting. You might tell her that she must let others come in to help her because she is really no longer 'independent' while you're doing all the work. Caretakers can help you keep her there longer, but if she refuses caretakers and starts calling for help, the facility will not let her stay - they will move her to section that provides more care and she will have to pay more for that anyway. Better to get paid help now if she wants to stay where she is for a longer period of time.