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I was there with my mom a couple years ago. She was in independent living near my home, I am retired, and still I couldn’t keep up with it! Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, keeping up with 12 medications, taking her to multiple doctor appointments, managing her sundowner syndrome- it was literally all I did. She would never participate in any of the activities offered, and couldn’t figure out how to make use of the transportation service the facility provided. She just sat in her apartment all day long waiting for me to stop by. After several scary falls I moved her into an assisted living facility with memory care. It’s been the best decision I ever made, for both of us. Here is the conclusion I came to: if a person can’t take advantage of all the perks an independent living facility provides without substantial outside assistance, that is not the appropriate level of care. They call it independent living for a reason! Sending positive thoughts your way - best of luck.
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I am thinking a little tough love is necessary. You need to be gone for several days at a time & let Mom experience day to day living without you being right there ready to fix it. Sounds mean, but my husband’s family had to do that with his dad. It shook him up and scared him. He then agreed to having help. They were always at the ready had he gotten into real trouble, but he needed to struggle to understand how much help he n ended! Good luck!!
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God bless you sweetie. I hospiced my dad at 92 and it is very hard. He was my best friend. I hope you can give yourself time to rest. all your feelings are normal; let go the guilt; it doesn't serve you. I am sending you a virtual hug.
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If I could do it over again I’d insist and I mean INSIST that I get a relief helper no matter what! 💗💐
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I hate to say this but you have let your mother take complete control of your life. You are an enabler and unless you stop immediately, she will put you in an early grave. Start refusing to do certain “jobs”. Learn to live with the guilt, you’ll live longer. You’re a young woman. Take control.
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NancyInSc Nov 2021
Amen! Amen! Amen! Her mother is killing her. I took care of my parents and they lived into their 90s. The last one died a almost two years ago. Now I am dying. I will not make it to my mid 70s. Terminal cancer is very common among former/current caretakers. I was looking forward to my golden years, but...
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NO. Say it. This may be the hardest word to say, but say it. Mean it. You are your mother's daughter, not her slave. Say no and stop doing all the stuff. If you do not do those things, she will then decide how to get the things done another way. Visit her, talk to her, just do not do her bidding. When she asks you to do something, say NO. Do not explain or equivocate. Just say no. Then leave or hang up. She will get the message very quickly. Tell her JUST ONE TIME that you have pressing needs in your own life and that you will no longer be available for her errands. Your pressing needs? Peace of mind, control of your own life.
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Lots of great suggestions. I have one caveat - be sure that her documents for medical care, management of her funds (if /when she is not able to manage them herself or an MD states she is not capable) are up to date. If they are not done, or are not reasonable (names your brother as sole decision maker, for example) I would suggest getting those in order FIRST.

When you set limits on her - she will be angry/resentful/manipulative - and having that overflow into the document process may get much much harder.
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do what lealonnie says: put your foot down HARD. and don't you feel one bit guilty.......you have done more than enough
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Your mother told the doctor the truth: You don't have time to meet her every demand. You are exhausted for good reason. Now take her at her word, and let her find a solution that doesn't involve you.
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I truly hope you have durable POA and all your mother's finances are in order with Health Care Proxy, Will/Trust, etc. If not do it now before it's too late.
I know you don't want to hear this but stop being a doormat. Returning things 3+ times to suit her is ridiculous. I am all for CARING for your mother, but you are CATERING and she is used to it and feeling entitled. Start putting your foot down and setting boundaries. If your Mom can cook for your brother and clean her own apartment, she is surely more independent than you are making her out to be. I understand you do need to go shopping, pay bills, and drive her where she needs to be. However, if you need help doing any of these things, or any other thing for her care taking, insist on hiring someone for that purpose. Why are you letting her call all the shots? When you buy her something tell her to enjoy it because it can't be returned. If you think the blanket is ok and not too heavy, leave it there. Stop making work for yourself by trying to make things perfect for your Mom - it's impossible. You are a caring and loving daughter who wants validation from your mom, but she is too busy controlling you to appreciate all you do. Please re-consider your role in this equation.
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Santalynn Nov 2021
Yes, there is such a thing as 'overfunctioning' and folks with big hearts easily fall into this type of dysfunction; protect yourself and refuse to be used up. I hate to say this but it can be a twisted form of 'entertainment' for narcissistic types, to see how far another person will bend over backwards to 'please' the controlling person...it's truly a 'power trip.' Don't play!
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Dear Ann, Your story sounds familiar and I totally get it. Can you and maybe your husband sit calmly and talk to her about “independent living”. If she is independent she should live as if she is. Be honest about what this doing to you. It is challenging and frustrating, but you cannot keep at this pace. Her pickiness is probably her way of being in control and getting you to visit. I had similar situation with my Mom and even though it was difficult for awhile, I had to make a change. It is physically and mentally draining you! Your Mom may be angry at first, but without you, she will have to hire a caregiver. Be loving, respectful but direct. Practice conversation beforehand. Write down what needs to be said. You can do this! Lastly, mostly- pray! I struggled with this, too. Dreaded the conversation but after praying, God worked it out. My Mom was open to the conversation and we came to a compromise.
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You need to set boundaries...
You need to remind your Mom, you are her daughter not a caregiver.
She sounds like she needs a dose of reality, that you have a life and family, and that doesn't mean you don't love her, but remind her you are aging as well and can not handle both households anymore and that maybe you can talk to the caregiver or if it is state funded talk to them about needing more hours for your Mom.
It is not fair for you to go home exhausted and probably crying because you have compassion fatigue.
Compassion fatigue is real it is described as physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others.
You should talk to your Dr. about it.
And do some relaxing time for yourself, take a long bubble bath with epson salts, go do something fun with your Husband.
Try to get back to a life that was comfortable before you took on your Mothers needs.
Your Mom seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and the fact that you are her daughter and she expects you to jump every time she says jump.
I really think you need to sit down with her and have the conversation and by you setting up the help that she needs, should obsolve you from feeling guilty and give you a sense of relief that you have set your Mom up to have a good quality of life, so you can move on with your own life.
Let her know you will visit her and call her and that you are not abandoning her, but it is your love for her that you are setting things up for her.
I wish you the very best, I know you can do this, you are doing this for both of you, not just your Mom.
I will leave you with a quote " God will give you Grace for your place".
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I read in your profile that your H (and you?) would really like to move to be closer to your only child. You wrote that uprooting your mother and your H's older sister would be too difficult.

Why? Why can't both of these elders move into a facility near where your son lives?

The other alternative is to just move your H's older sister and let your brother deal with your mother. I bet in no time flat she would be moved into a facility.
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I found that my Mom refused to accept help from anyone but her kids as a way of forcing us to spend time with her. It was like, "If I don't take care of myself, don't get professional help, and don't allow anyone else into my home except my kids, then my kids are forced to take care of me and they can't leave me". Then I estranged from Mom and she was forced to start acting like an adult to survive. Now I get to enjoy my life. Everyone guilts you into taking care of your Mom because they're selfish and they hope their own kids will feel responsible for them one day. It's not your responsibility. You'll find that once you firmly decide to drop the responsibility, no-one will pressure you into doing it anymore because they'll see how strong your resolve is and they will no longer expect it from you.

What I've seen from my girlfriends who cared for their mothers is that their moms never appreciated it and it was "Never enough". This is purposefully used as a manipulation tactic. By being permanently dissatisfied with their daughters, they ensure that their daughters will keep trying to win their approval and make them happy, and their daughters just worked themselves until their Moms died, but Mom was never grateful or happy with them.
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luaneZ Nov 2021
You are so right! I'm one of 3 but mom wants me to do everything and exhausts me. Now I just tell her I have 3 -12 hour shifts with her a week and I will drop in once with groceries per week. She cries and baits me but I just say that is the schedule I can manage and the rest of the week I'm with my family. She keeps threatening to move away and I tell her I'm not stopping her but since she has dementia its just a fantasy. No one else will take her.
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Talk with mom's Dr ND get the Dr to write that mom needs supervision, ect and talk to the Apartment Management and tell them you are mom's POA and mom isn't able to continue with a new Lease as she is no longer able to live by herself and with her dementia and you would hate for something bad to happen to your mom staying there alone and I'm sure you can get her out of her New Lease.

Take her to look at a 2-3 Assisted Living Places and tell her she has to choose one and don't take no for an answer.
Or....
Sounds like you're about all used up and should not have let it gone this far and this long.

You need Me Time, You Need to learn how to say No and You deffiently Need to know how to set Boundaries!

Take some much needed Time Off!!!
Let mom know you're not feeling well and are run down and you're no longer able to keep it up.

Let her know she made the decision to stay where she was so she'll have to pay for Care help and that includes going shopping.

They have rides for Seniors even ones in Wheel Chairs.

Have the Caregiver take her shopping or her son can take her.

Stop cooking for her, she can order in or buy really good frozen microwave dinners like Lein Cuzine Meals.

Grocery Shop On Line and have her groceries delivered.

Let mom Hire a maid as husband doesn't need to mop the floor.

Tell her from now on, she'll have to keep what she buys that you'll no longer be returning things but she can ask her son to return them, after he opens her pickle jar.

Let you mom know that you will still be seeing her but only for Fun things like Going out to Eat, Getting a Manicure or Pedicure, Getting a Massage, Going to see a Movie, ect.

Life is too short to live it all for others and in the end, you'll either die before the ones you take care of or you'll get sick and No One to Care for You.

Prayers.
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"My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well".

I do feel for you. I also feel lined up for multi-fam members (both sides) & am worn out & done with caregiving. I want a little puppy to love & a shack by the sea & that is it! 🐕
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Lots of people are saying your MOM will have to hire help, as if she would be COMFORTABLE doing that on her own. That is like asking for magic to happen. Again, you need help in the way of information and referrals from social workers, doctors, and even maybe a lawyer. The easies way is to, as some have said, MOVE FAR AWAY and leave her TOTALLY on her own. But, I don't think you would be happy. The BEST advice I heard to help you is for you to GO BACK TO WORK AND GET A LIFE of your own. Put your mom into your life as "Here is what I AM ABLE TO DO" and make a list for her and stick to it. ANYTHING ELSE she asks for, say NO, that is not on the list. That is something you need SOMEONE ELSE to help you with. Explain when she is ready, you will help her FIND SOMEONE ELSE to help on those other things. If she had a computer, she'd be responsible for ordering things and sending them back all on her own. She is NOT YOUR CHILD, so please do NOT treat her as if she were. She is an OLD person FACING HER OWN DECLINE and UNABLE to do so. That is psychological.
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You have lots of good advice here. I understand your position and also think you have taken on too much. Just be clear about your boundaries (you need to set them) and decide what tasks you will handle and how often. Even doing 3 or 4 medical appointments per month can be exhausting. Figure out what you want to do and have a talk with your mom about what you will be doing and not doing going forward. And stick to it.
I have learned to be very organized about doing tasks for my mom. When I am at her home, I have a list of what I will do (only a few things per visit) and I do them while I am there and leave. I multi task on every visit and take advantage of getting a few things accomplished while I am there. I limit the trips per week as well and if it doesn't get done on one trip, it can wait for another time. It honestly helps. It's not a perfect system, but it does lessen the load.
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LONELINESS is the cause of most of what you are describing. Also look into the local Senior Centers for activities they have for the elderly.
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First let me say I understand as my mom is also 88, and in a similar situation. My siblings and I are going through somewhat the same thing. You have been a real trooper to your mom and she’s lucky to have you.

In my opinion, you are enabling your mother to let her walk all over you. I would set some clear guidelines on your limits of what you can and cannot do and then stick to them. An example is with the bedspread. If she doesn’t like your taste, then explain you probably should not be the ones picking out her items since it’s clear it makes her unhappy.

I would not have quit my job as that was a green light to your mother that she can use you however she wants. Go back to work if you want and be firm with your mother of what you can and cannot do. Enlist your brother’s help to handle some of the tasks you were doing. If he cannot do them, your mom will have to hire help to get them done. Best of luck!
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In my wildest DREAMS I wish I had a child like you. Here is what I do because my son, who lives nearby, says "Mom, it is too HARD for me to come once a week to take out your garbage. HIRE someone to do it." My cousin comes once a month to help put away the clothes I wash and dry and to wash the heavier things. He also fixes anything broken, etc. He had HORRIBLE guild feelings that he couldn't come more often, but I told him, "Look, I will have to adapt, and it is NOT your fault or responsibility to take care of me. " My loved ones have THEIR OWN LIVES. MY SAVING GRACE is that my cousin got me a computer. It's a used one and you can't do fancy things on it, but I CAN USE it to order things on Amazon and Instacart, and found that there are meals I can buy which don't require fixing, just heating, or straight out of the box. I am in horrible pain, even just walking one or two steps, but I PUSH MYSELF because I know that I do NOT want to go to a "special home" like A.L. or whatever. I have handicapped bars around the apartment, and a shower instead of a bathtub, so there is a lot I can do for myself. It is HARD though. And I am LONELY. I do wish my son could be with me daily and do the things you do, but you know what? I would feel GUILTY if he took as much time and energy to help me as you are doing with your mom. Your mom needs psych help to face the fact that she IS aging, that she WILL NEED outside help, and to realize she is HARMING YOU by clinging so tightly. Talk to her doctor and explain the situation. Ask if her health plan has a SOCIAL WORKER who can assess her needs. Also, see if your city has an "Office on Aging" and ask THEM for help for you and your mom. They have referrals and also can set you up with a lawyer who specializes in issues relating to the aging process. YOU NEED HELP. She needs psych help. You need to also find out how you can take over as her durable medical power of attorney and her regular power of attorney so YOU can make the decisions.
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karenchaya Nov 2021
I forgot to tell you "here is what I do". I talked to someone in my over 55 building and asked who they have to help them. This neighbor introduced me to her helper and now the helper is coming for free twice a week to take out my garbage.
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The key is in the sentence where you explained that you cared for your family when you were young, due to family dysfunction. Therein lies the reason that you are on this position. From an early age you were trained to behave like this: putting yourself second and everyone else first.
So many of us have had this experience and it is most often the daughter! Like your brother, my brother was everything and I was just the carer. It is incredibly irritating to watch your parent fawn over the sibling who is absent most of the time.
I suspect you know the answer. You can't change your mother but you can alter you. It will take time and you may need a councellor to help you get yourself into a position that gives you the self respect you deserve. Then the practical issues of getting someone else to do your mother's bidding, will fall into place and you might be surprised how pragmatic and adaptable she can be when you stop being her doormat! Don't hang around waiting to be apreciated, in my experience it doesn't happen and the self centredness will probably get worse. Good luck. Have a think - what are you prepared to do and what would you rather not do?
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Wow this was like reading a page from my diary. I too propped up the illusion of "independent living" for my mother for 6 years. I was her "assisted living". And so were several of the other residents where she lived. They transported her all around that place as she could barely walk. She totally refused considering actually moving to an AL, one of "those places" she called them.
Everyone said, isn't it amazing that at 93 ( when she moved there, is 99 now) that she can live on her own?! HA!!

I used to hate the weekends as Saturday meant I would spend my day shopping, laundry, light housekeeping and bringing her meals she could heat up during the week. She hated the meals on wheels and I don't blame her, some were pretty crappy but she still had the ability to fix small meals for herself. She just didn't like to. I ran myself ragged, errands, at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments a month, struggling with her walker in and out of my car or sometimes the transport wheelchair. She lived on the opposite end of town from me. My car racked up so many miles during that time.

Family members frequently reminded me of how lucky I was to still have her and how what a privilege it was to take care of her. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a monster for feeling so much resentment and exhaustion. It took a toll on my work life, personal life and marriage. I gave up all fun things I used like yoga and gardening as I was just too tired. My husband tried to help but he had health issues of his own and we grew apart.

I wish I had access to this forum in the beginning. But finally in 2019- she had her BIg Fall. Hospital, then skilled care, and they, bless them at the skilled place- convinced her to go to AL.

I do feel I have my life back to a certain extent now and I have learned to say no more frequently and limit my visits. And not listen to people ( family, her friends) that know what I should be doing and how I should feel about it.

My MIL was the same, and put my SIL through a similar hell. When my SIL finally did set some boundaries with her my MIL got back at her by putting in her stupid Christmas letter "even though I live in the same town as my daughter S. just a few miles away, I rarely see her as she is so busy". We ended up laughing at the pettiness of it but it really hurt her at the time.

Glad you are here, you will find much help, hope, support and others that totally get it.
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Beatty Nov 2021
(((hugs)))

I felt every word you wrote. Oh the walker in the car, the transport wheelchair.. one week there was doctor, dentist, podiatrist, physio 😣

So so many people need to read this at the start of that slippery slope...

But I don't regret it now. I think I had to get to the bottom to learn how to climb back up.

Well wishes to you 🤗
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It is time to start saying no to her.

No Mum, I will not do this or that.

Stop going to her house, stop preparing her meals. You know she is capable of cooking, so just stop doing it for her.

If she flounders so be it, let her flounder, let her go into assisted living.

It is not your job to cater to her every whim.
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Ann, this is SO hard. No one prepares you for this phase of life. My grandparents all died young so I was never exposed to elder care and when my dad developed dementia I was really blindsided. He has since passed but my mom still lives alone in her single family home of 50+ years and is turning 84 next week with health problems. And she also has plenty of money that she is afraid to spend. I am one of "those siblings" that lives far away though. She refuses to hire a care giver at this point and I don't think its fair that we should have to pay for it when she has plenty of money - so we get stuck in that dilemma. I have a brother who lives in town and is her primary go to person and he has laid down the law! I give him credit for communicating his boundaries and I fully support him in that! He has made it clear how much time he has to offer and what kinds of tasks he is willing to do - and that's that! I agree with other's that the first "No" is the hardest. I like the idea that one poster shared that suggested you can tell mom that your own health is in jeopardy. Maybe make a list of all the things you do for mom and then figure out what makes the most sense for you to help with and what she can hire someone to help with. The things you are shopping for - are they really necessary? Stick to the bare necessities and tell her you will not make multiple trips for 1 item. For my mom, my brother takes her to Dr. appointments as we feel a family member should be involved at that level. And he is there for an emergency. But she sends out her laundry and has a cleaning person come every 2 weeks and pays a handyman for small jobs around the house. I have her groceries delivered via Instacart and found a company that sends prepared (frozen) meals that she likes if she doesn't want to cook. You can do this! Just take a critical eye to everything you are doing and prioritize that list and draw a line. Again, good luck!
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First, laugh

Second doing a lot of clothes shopping, housewares, etc, the thrift store is your friend (it can be more fun then going to a regular store). She can take advantage of senior transportation in her area to take her places or just get out of the house for awhile. Many drivers will help with any aids she has getting into the van. If there is public transit, that's another idea. There are many seniors that ride the bus when they want to get out for a while.

Good luck to you.
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My stepmom's IL facility had transportation services. She told them when she had a Doctor's appointment and she was dropped off and picked up.
They also had scheduled shopping trips; one day grocery shopping, one day to thr mall, one day to Walmart, etc.

Her IL also had a dining room where she could have two meals a day.

I don't know if your mom's facility has those services, but if they do, mom can avail herself of them, and relieve you of all the unnecessary chores.

The hardest step to take is the first one. Just say No the first time. And it will get easier.
Hugs
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My mother is much the same. Lots of orders, needs, complaints, opinions. She has lived with me for a year and a half. When she first came to live with me, I wanted to do everything I could to make her happy and make sure her final days were fulfilling.

I am now weary, exhausted, frustrated, resentful (towards a sister who has decided she can't help much), guilty, angry ...you name it, I have felt it.

I have also shopped for my mother only to return it all. She is a catalog junkie. There are clothes and shoes in her closet that she has never worn. I have refused to take her shoe shopping any more after having to return most of the shoes or look at them in the bottom of her closet never to be worn.

Gently but firmly putting my foot down has saved me from going stark raving mad. Find a way not to let her suck you into her problems. It's like dealing with a child who creates little problems and wants the parent to rush in and solve everything. As long as she knows you're there to fix everything, she will continue. I've learned it's ok to say, "no."

Caregiving is a difficult road. It can feel lonely and thankless. But our loved ones won't be with us forever. I know for me, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when mom is gone and know that I did my best to give her a comfortable life in her final days.

God Bless you - He sees you.
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Cover99 Nov 2021
lol Shopping is easy, head to the thrift store.
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My mother is basically your mother. Everyone here has a lot if empathy for you and your situation. What can be done about? little to nothing except you standing up for yourself and start limiting how much you do and why. My mom constantly invents problems for me to solve so that I will come over to her place. I've learned that If I go over stick to the problem and not take her bait " Have you lost weight"? and keep my visit brief ( Not 3-4 hours) it works well enough for her to feel independent but that I also visited. I will encourage you to do some research into "Enmeshment" in relationships. Basically it's where one person wants a relationship with another person that is overwhelming and the other person lives to serve the other person.
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lkdrymom Nov 2021
You are lucky you got credit for a visit. If I did any work it did not count as a visit
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Ann, if by "laying down ground rules" you actually mean "trying to get mom to agtee to ground rules", that won't work.

She won't agree, she won't be happy, she will pout, tantrum and trash talk you to the world.

Just be prepared to stand firm. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud for guidance and support.
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