Every evening I get asked in a 30 second loop, when we are going home, who lives here, I know we don't live here, so why are we staying here. He has lost 20 years and I don't know what to tell him when he asks to go visit his mother who passed in 1986. His whole boyhood family have passed and there's no home to go to visit. He has begun wandering, going home I think, and was brought back by the police. He's already been kicked out of a wonderful adult daycare. What's next?
Re his mom, same thing. Do not tell him over and over that his mom is dead. He doesn't need to relive grief. "Your mom is on vacation right now. We'll go see her in a few weeks." Then change the subject. And have that ready too since these conversations will be difficult and repetitive.
If he is wandering, you are now in the territory of needing to put him in a memory care facility that is locked for the resident's safety. That may not be the answer you are hoping for but you really can't keep an eye on him 24/7 to keep him safe.
You must be exhausted and need to take care of yourself as well.
There's no reasoning or convincing him at this point, so please don't wear yourself out trying. His brain is broken, and will never get better, so it's best just to go along with whatever he says.
And if he now is wandering, it may very well be time to be looking into placing him in a memory care facility, as things will only continue to get worse.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your husband and his safety. I wish you well.
Do what you can to stay with what he is saying in a calm neutral way.
”One of these days I’d like to travel too”.
”It’s too hot (cold-dark-rainy…..) to go out today. Let’s wait until later”.
”They’re away I think. Let’s wait until they call.”
”we’re staying here to take care of the pets (plants, newspapers, garden……)”
Give him peace and comfort and a little hope. He won’t remember details of the conversation. This stage will hopefully have passed in a few weeks.
keeping your LO on a consistent routine
putting on more lights in the evenings
try diverting his attention to photo albums, tv shows, music
therapeutic "lies" - say you are visiting or vacationing in your home
make sure he gets out into the daylight for at least 30-60 minutes during the day
talk to his doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication
keep the doors locked
make sure he is never alone
If any/all of these are too difficult for your, please talk to his doctor and your family. It may be time to enlist more people to help with care. It also might be time to consider a Memory Care Unit placement.
It is learning how to speak to a person whose brain has changed and speak / interact in compassionate ways. We are speaking to a person in ways which will possible calm them down, make sense to them, or redirect them (in their own brain puzzle). Nothing to do with lying when the brain no longer functions. While I am not traditionally religious (I lean Buddhism and Light). Many people have breakdowns and ruin their own health due to bible references/religious indoctrination void of logic, medical diagnoses, and common sense.