I am having trouble convincing my husband with Alzheimer's that we live in our home. We have been living here 21 years this summer. Advice?

It is impossible to convince someone with Alzheimer's of anything. His poor brain is broken and he just can't make sense of his world anymore. You just need to come up with some vague, canned responses to his questioning. "our house is being painted so we're going to stay here for awhile. Isn't is nice??"

Re his mom, same thing. Do not tell him over and over that his mom is dead. He doesn't need to relive grief. "Your mom is on vacation right now. We'll go see her in a few weeks." Then change the subject. And have that ready too since these conversations will be difficult and repetitive.

If he is wandering, you are now in the territory of needing to put him in a memory care facility that is locked for the resident's safety. That may not be the answer you are hoping for but you really can't keep an eye on him 24/7 to keep him safe.

You must be exhausted and need to take care of yourself as well.

That is one of the most common issues that folks with Alzheimer's/dementia face and that is wanting to go home. Often time they are referring to their childhood home with their mom and dad where they felt safe and secure, and other times only God knows what home they're talking about.
There's no reasoning or convincing him at this point, so please don't wear yourself out trying. His brain is broken, and will never get better, so it's best just to go along with whatever he says.
And if he now is wandering, it may very well be time to be looking into placing him in a memory care facility, as things will only continue to get worse.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your husband and his safety. I wish you well.

What is next is that short term memory will continue to be a problem. Longer term memory will last longer, but not forever. He may soon be unable to recognize people, including you. I would like to suggest the book recommended earlier today on this Forum, The 36 Hour Day, one of the best books on a brain beset by dementia anywhere. It is written by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins and is subtitled "A family guide to caring for people who have Alzheimer Disease, other dementias and memory loss". If you are a "believer" (I am not) the book Dementia: Living in the Memories of God by John Swinton is very good and will help with understanding the psychosocial dimensions in dementia.

My 92 year old mom with Alzheimer's lives in memory care. She constantly loops questions of "where is Frank?" Frank is her deceased brother. She thinks my brother is Frank and lives in "Frank's house" which in reality was her childhood home. She never asks about her sister or her other brother, both deceased. Rarely asks about Dad anymore (he passed away several years ago.) Does not always remember her kids, except for me and my brother (the Frank character,) who visit her regularly. Her short term memory is completely gone and her long term memory is getting jumbled now. There is no way she could be living outside memory care.

You will not be able to “convince” him, because his increasingly damaged brain is operating within its OWN TRUTH.

Do what you can to stay with what he is saying in a calm neutral way.

”One of these days I’d like to travel too”.

”It’s too hot (cold-dark-rainy…..) to go out today. Let’s wait until later”.

”They’re away I think. Let’s wait until they call.”

”we’re staying here to take care of the pets (plants, newspapers, garden……)”

Give him peace and comfort and a little hope. He won’t remember details of the conversation. This stage will hopefully have passed in a few weeks.

The therapeutic lie does work. My mom kept wanting to go home, and I told her pests were discovered and the entire house was being bombed by pest control. Next of course would be the --well, after the pest company, painting was needed. Next, the rug needing replacement and so on, until she just quit asking.

We’re in the midst of this. My mother sometimes thinks she’s staying in a motel or some guest house. One day she asked the specific date she moved into her granny flat at our place as she recalls that the power went out all over eastern Canada and USA. That was August 2003. Then she berated me for being so stupid as to think it was almost 18 years ago. She’s sure it was 2 months ago. Now that she’s firmly established I’m the stupidest person alive, she wants to know what I did to her to make her forget those years. IF they really passed. It’s daily and I’m exhausted. She does recognize that all her furniture, art and knickknacks, etc., from her old house are there. She asked how I got duplicates. Of everything. Even the motel room. She thinks she keeps changing locations but they’re all 100% identical. She just knows when she’s in a new location. She just knows.

My dad had AZ too and was getting more and more disoriented. I put together 3-ring binders with pictures and brief descriptions n dates (best as I could remember) to look at with him. It was like reading a story very frequently, but he enjoyed it. When he asked & worried about Mom I could show him pics of her in the hospital with him holding her hand. She died of pneumonia at 88. We had pics of final blessing together. This comforts him each time he sees it. He knows it was a blessing when she passed. Wasn’t always sure he believed it all, but he heard & saw it over & over. It was something that didn’t keep changing on him unless we added new pictures/stories together. This was helpful for us! Dad’s home caregivers changed frequently too, so this allowed us to share our story with them! Be patient, show grace and ask God to help you through it all. It’s not easy, but so worth it! I lost my dad in Jan.

You are not going to be able to "convince" someone with dementia of anything.  They have a disease that robs them of their memory.  I find it helpful to say something like this to get them off of their "auto-loop" question.  "This is our home.  Did you see on the news that it's supposed to rain tomorrow?  Have you seen the red umbrella?  I want to make sure it's in the car."  It takes so much effort for them to register your question that it makes them forget theirs.

Your husband is having Sundowner's Syndrome. Things that help are:
keeping your LO on a consistent routine
putting on more lights in the evenings
try diverting his attention to photo albums, tv shows, music
therapeutic "lies" - say you are visiting or vacationing in your home
make sure he gets out into the daylight for at least 30-60 minutes during the day
talk to his doctor about a mild anti-anxiety medication
keep the doors locked
make sure he is never alone

If any/all of these are too difficult for your, please talk to his doctor and your family. It may be time to enlist more people to help with care. It also might be time to consider a Memory Care Unit placement.

"Home" to a dementia patient isn't going to be the place where s/he has lived for the past 50 years. It's where s/he grew up. My mother did this all the time. My brother lived in the flat above the one she grew up in, so after a visit to his place, the requests to go home increased. One time she got out of the house. The police found her almost a mile from our house, less than 2 blocks from the BART station where she could have caught a train to take her within 4 blocks of her "home.". At the end, she didn't know her kids, she didn't remember ever being married ( and my father was pretty memorable), but she always remembered her sister. Childhood sticks.

My mom did the same thing. She usually thought she was staying at a rented vacation house, and we had many conversations about who was going home and when. (We had many family reunion/vacations for her to reference). Occasionally, especially during Covid when her caregivers wore masks, she thought she was at a hospital, but a nice one. I would just say, "Well, we are staying here tonight. This is your bed. I will sleep here. What time should we leave tomorrow?"
If she asked where my dad, who died several years ago, was, I would say, "He is off running errands." or "He is eating somewhere else. We should eat without him."
She often came up with her own "therapeutic lies." Once she spun my sister a long story about how my father was out fixing the air conditioning unit.

With Alzheimers and or Dementia. There's not a one answer fits all.

Tho you should never tell your loved one that someone is dead to make them relive it over and over again.
Juse change the subject or answer a I don't know, I'll check on it or whatever comes to mind to say to make the loved one feel ok.

Don't argue with loved one regarding where they think they are, ect as it won't do any good and you both will just end up frustrated.

My 97 yr old Dad was in the Hospital with a bad UTI and thought he was in a Hotel and I let him think just that.

The main thing is just let them believe whatever they want and whatever keeps them calm.

You can't change their thinking, just makes matters worse to try to convince them otherwise.

If he says he's not home, tell him you are visiting a friend and will be going home soon.

If he wants to go visit his parents or friends that have already died, she tell him that sounds like fun and you' arrange it or that they are on vacation right now but you'll plan a visit soon.

The point here is don't look at it as lying, look at it as trying to keep your loved one feeling happy, loved, safe and not confused.

Juse be agreeable and let their thoughts be their thoughts because whatever they think is true or happening at the moment is true as far as they're concerned.

Prayers

You do not try to convince your husband of anything. When he wonders "why we are staying here, " you can say something like, "we're getting the house (home in his mind) ready."

Just to clarify something for everyone, the biblical commandment is "thou shalt not bear false witness"--which doesn't preclude "therapeutic lies". No deceit is intended by saying what is appropriate to keep those suffering from advanced dementia people safe and at peace.

Is he able to get into a car and YOU drive and go for a ride. drive around (make sure his side of car door is locked) for awhile and then say okay, lets go home now. If he still insists that it isn't his home when you get there, say you just wanted to check some things out in this house and have him go in and walk around or say lets sit down and watch some tv. wishing you luck

I've been in your boat. My Alzheimer's ridden mom would want to "go home," too. She'd also wander, but I'd hear the door opening, so I could chase after her. Sometimes she'd think that our home (the one she moved into, with my husband and me), was an Assisted Living Facility. (She was in 1 for all of a week. It just didn't work out.) Maybe you could put up pictures, if you have any, from when he was a boy. Eventually, my mom gradually didn't want to "go home" any more, although she'd still wander, daily. I got my exercise chasing after her. I even wrote a book about taking care of her called: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.

👋..
Your not alone in this battle.
Praying for wisdom.
Take some quiet time alone.
If you believe in the power of prayer your see results.
To encourage yourself read James 5:14-16.
Take lots of pictures and videos because your going
to miss them sooooooooo much but in Heaven they are having the time of their life.
No pain no sadness just pure Love from God our Father.

You're not alone. My 93 yo mother has vascular dementia and has been living with me for nearly 13 years. As the disease has progressed, we've "adjusted our sails" to change course and to address concerns as they arise. She, too, always wants to "go home" and when she began to wander we put 2 locks on every door. (Slide locks near the top where she can't reach them). White lies are used, and I like to keep them creative and sometimes silly. For instance, my dad has gone fishing, hunting, to NASA for the space program, and out to sea (my dad was retired Navy), etc. As for going home, I often took her for a ride around the block or out for ice cream and as we pulled back into the driveway I'd say "here we are--it's good to be home again, isn't it?" There are no right or wrong answers...just follow your loved one's lead and do what you need to do to keep them safe & happy. Sending hugs...

You go along. "Okay, let's go home!" then change the subject.

Memory care personnel use:
* Redirect
* Engagement

Try a radio or CD player to shift his attention.
Read TEEPA SNOW website for "how to talk to a person with dementia?
* Find a day care that will keep a closer eye on him
* Check with MD re medication adjustment
Gena / Touch Matters

Think that the "I want to go home" mantra is a way of saying "I want to feel safe". So many confusing happenings when one has dementia. Everything feels strange to them. I have worked in memory care facilities for many years as Activity Director. One of our residents was constantly telling his wife he wanted to go home. She took him on a drive to their old home, which he had planned and built himself. He didn't recognize their home of 40+ years. Still saying "I want to go home". She also drove him to his old family home, but still no relief or recognition! Sadly the " home " they seek is not a physical place. It is a feeling of well being ! Sometimes it is possible to divert them with pleasant present activities. Favorite music often helps bring calm and joy. Nothing works all the time. Eventually, all will be forgotten.

So sorry you are going through this. Realize that he is on a different road than you and you can't "make" him understand or bring him back. You have to ride in his care and go with his flow. "we' on vacation tonight and will go back home soon" type statements will help.
The wandering can be more problematic as he could get hurt or lost. I believe some has already suggested extra door latches up high where he can't see or reach them. Check with your local Alzheimer's group so see if your local sheriff or police department has a protective program for people with memory deficient. In Mercer county, NJ the sheriff has partnered with the Lifesaver program to provide tracking devices for people who wander. These devices are battery operated and fit like a watch. They can't be taken off unless they are cut off. My Mom didn't wander but I felt so much better know that she was wearing the device. I also got two door alarms from the Sheriff's office that were portable and could be easily installed even we traveled. Believe............ those alarms could wake the dead.

Going through this right now with my 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia. Every afternoon. We even have a hand-made sign that tells her this is her home. She reads it and shakes her head no. I think the home they are seeking is the home of their youth, not their most recent home. My aunt's been in this home since 1975. I grew up with her prior to that, and prior to that with her parents. When she winds up about going home, I get her up in her walker and go to her mailbox to get her mail. "See? Your name is on this mail for this house -- your house." Then I ask her what her address is and what color is her front door (bright yellow). She turns around from the mailbox and sees the house number and door color and most of the time she's satisfied. Sometimes I try to reason with her: "Why would I be here (and your cats, and your 2 sisters) if this wasn't your home?" She ponders that for a while. Trying to distract before the anxiety sets in will help. I put her at her bright, sunny kitchen table and she folds a pile of kitchen towels for me. This may not work next week or month. Do whatever it takes that isn't onerous for you but keeps her calm. Wishing you success in dealing with this.

It's good you understand he has "lost 20 years." Initially my mother just had short term memory loss (repeating statements/questions), but was having difficulty with finances. Once we took her car away, I had to provide rides and supplies, and it became apparent she wasn't cooking. Microwave dinners and boxed stuff. Fresh foods would've gone bad by my next visit to help.

I tried bringing aides in, 1 hr/day to check on her and get her used to it, but that failed less than 2 months later when she refused to let them in. Plan B was MC. I had to muddle along while we found a place, and wait for the chosen place to open (it was rebuilt IL/AL/MC), which was done in stages. MC was last and was delayed further until they had a few residents to move in.

Anyway, every time my YB visited, she'd hound him about taking her back to her condo. Thankfully she didn't hassle me! This went on for about 9 months. During my visit at that point, out of the blue she asked me to drop her off at Nana's place on my way home (her mother.) Nana had been gone about 40+ years. Quick thinking, glanced at my watch and said 'Gee, it's a little late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow." She said okay, but then promptly asked if I had a key to their previous home, citing the street address and town. That place had been sold about 25 years earlier. Looked at my lanyard and said 'No, not with me, I'll check at home'. She said okay, but then said she'd go stay there tonight if she had a key! Bet whoever owned it then wouldn't be too happy about that!

So yes, they tend to regress in time, living life some time ago. You won't be able to convince him, because his reality is now that life 20+ years ago. Based on the Nana issue and some chit chat about a cousin's baby (who would've been about 40 then), it pretty much said she was living life/reality 40+ years ago (although the house was sold 25 years ago, they lived there many years, so it would have been our home at that time as well.)

At some point later, I expected further regression, however we never made it to that next "step down" due to strokes. Depending on his age and progression, he likely will experience further regressions, even far enough back that you are no longer recognizable.

Although it gets tedious, just keep replying with vague responses, such as those suggested by others. Keep it short and simple and repeat as needed. If possible, try to redirect his focus onto something else, an activity or a snack/beverage. Even if you succeed, it'll come back again. Deep breath and vague responses.

Now, given the fact that he is wandering, you need to consider moving him to a facility, if it's affordable. If it isn't, then hiring someone part time might help. There are times when we can't keep an eye on someone 24/7 (bathroom trips, showering/bathing ourselves, preparing meals, etc.) Having someone there to keep him occupied and keeping an eye on him will allow you to take care of things you need to do and/or give you a break.

Depending on income, he may be eligible for Medicaid assistance (not full time) and/or VA benefits, if he's a veteran. EC attys often give a free limited consult. If you have all financial information and whatever else they need (ask when you set up the appt) ready for the consult, it will make the most of your time - take notes. They may have suggestions.

You might also want to reach out to his doctor, to see if there's any medication that might calm his anxiety. You mention this happens every evening, which sounds a lot like sun-downing. If you or others are not familiar with this:

"The term "sundowning" refers to a state of confusion occurring in the late afternoon and spanning into the night. Sundowning can cause a variety of behaviors, such as confusion, anxiety, aggression or ignoring directions. Sundowning can also lead to pacing or wandering."
Source: Mayo clinic

An antianxiety med like Lorazepam might help if taken prior to the time this happens.

My mom goes threw this loop at least once a day now my husband is doing the same thing ( looping ) people have asked me how I handle it all?? This is what I think pick your battles, they are very serious when asking but it soon fades as every thing else. I just agree we will be leaving soon for home in just a while, and it goes as fast as it comes. My husband insisted on wearing his hat as the doctor is going to put needles in his head, at first I would explain there were no needles then I simply got his hat and he was calm the intire visit to the doctor. My mom wants to come home I simply say as soon as she finishes rehab she can come home and now it comes up rarely. Simplify things for yourself they aren't looking for long answers, there just confused. 20 years ago is right there today is gone, meet him where he is. I don't say no, I don't say remember and when they get inpatient I don't hurry. They aren't in pain, no idea of time passing and I would cry every single day if I have to explain everyday. I am not an expert just a caregiver.

Yes ..they always want to “go home “ or forget where they are..or who you are & then maybe next day recognizes home 🏡….Hugs 🤗

Franakranz: As I said in your separate thread which I responded to yesterday, Imho, your husband requires full time placement in a facility. Best of luck.

If he is wandering, he will be safer in a facility. It's very possible the home he wants to go back to is a boyhood home, not even one that both of you lived in together. Very likely there's a little left from 20 yrs ago in his brain, but probably more clarity to years further behind that for him.

I'm sure you've tried, but redirection instead of answering his question. Or ask him what his home looks like. If there's any busy work to give him to 'help' you, try that. Folding towels, sorting socks, etc.

My dad does the same thing. He wants to go home. The fact that your dad does this in the evening probably means he’s suffering with sundowners. I engage my dad in a game of checkers which he’s very good at in spite of his decline. If your dad has something he likes to do, distract him with it. My dad has been trying to go home for the past 5 years. It just doesn’t go away.
the wandering is a problem but even in a facility, if that’s what you have to do, he’ll still be wanting to go home.

We are on vacation. We are staying here till tomorrow. Whatever brings peace and comfort. Sounds like you will need to childproof the house or look for alternate living arrangements.