I am the full time caregiver to my 78 y/o grandmother, who has numerous health problems. She is aware of what is going on majority of the time, but does have early stages of dementia. She has three children, 6 grown grandchildren (including myself mid 20’s), and 2 underage grandchildren. I have lived in home and helped care for her for 3 years now, I worked full time for the first 2 years, but left my job when she needed more care. She spent 6 months in rehab for a fractured pelvis/hip replacement beginning of this year. She has been aggressive, acting out, not sleeping, throwing things, accusing me of stealing from her, ect. She is up all hours of the night, and naps in small increments through the day. They have installed a doorbell in her room that rings straight to my bedroom when she needs to get up/needs help at night. I have not had a night of straight sleep in months. I am contained between these four walls 6 1/2 days a week, only leaving to go grocery shopping when I can be relieved once a week. My uncle was put in charge of her affairs so I essentially report to him. When I became her caregiver I lost our grandmother/grandchild relationship. She loves and adores her family, unless it’s me. She’s been refusing meals, refusing showers, will not change her pamper for days at a time, talking down on me, and having hallucinations. I expressed to my uncle that I believe I’ve reached the end of what I can offer for her and that I believe she needs someone who better understands how to properly care for her. They are trying to guilt me into staying though. I lost contact with all of my friends, and no longer get invited or thought about when making plans because they know I cannot attend. My social life has become nonexistent. I have disregarded my mental health for far too long. I’m at the point I find no joy in anything. I have mental breakdowns at least twice a week, to the point I have to go into the restroom and cry it out before I can return to caring for her. I despise anyone around me that has a “normal” life. I’ve caught myself being angry at and jealous of people who aren’t tied to the house 24/7. I feel so burnt out. Can anyone help give insight on what I can do to help myself mentally and physically?
I did not see an answer since her post on 8/23/2024.
I think she came here with all the insight needed, and described her issue and the injustices really well.
I would like to hear how she is managing, because burnout and resentment can kill you if you are a caregiver.
I understand that this is not Scooby, but she may be experiencing something similar.
Soon, she will be responsible for the care of her Uncle, mother, and others in the home.
I recall that one caregiver stuck in the family's home doing this had been better off after a flight to her sister's home in the U.S. She was able to make a different life after many years of indentured servitude. There was a religious cult involved, keeping her stuck, imprisoned. I also remember that in addition to the caregiving responsibilities, she was babysitting!
You need to grow a spine though, I can't believe you put up with this for as long as you did. Get some therapy and figure out what you need to do to piece your life back together.
I wish you all the best for your future.
It’s ok to take care of yourself now. You gave given and done more than your share. He should be grateful.
Seriously??? OMFG please get a job and get out of that house. Your grandmother is only 78 she could live another 10 - 20 years. Don't let her and her "adult children" steal your youth and your life from you. And they should be paying you a living wage to take care of her with 2 days off a week and only an 8 hour shift (they would need to hire someone else to work the other 3 shifts). You are being taken advantage of in the worst possible way.
God Bless America!
Happy Labor Day!
The Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, passed in the wake of the American Civil War, made involuntary indentured servitude illegal in the United States.
Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA)
This law was passed in 1938 and established minimum wage, overtime pay, child labor restrictions, and a 40-hour workweek. It applies to most private and public employers.
Well over a century ago, California passed daily overtime laws, outlawed child labor, instituted workers' compensation, and established the Industrial Welfare Commission, which promulgated workplace regulations that continue to protect workers today.
No, of course not.l
If you are "being guilted" it is time to ignore those who do so.
You have choices to make for your own life.
You need to begin to take responsibility for the choices for your own life.
If you need help in working these things out, in making it clear to those in charge when your caregiving duties will end, when you resign from these duties, then see a psychologist or a Licensed Social Worker in private practice, specializing in life transitions work.
You say your uncle is in charge.
A lawyer letter to him is appropriate at this time:
It will be simple. Something to this effect.
Dear Uncle:
It has been my privilege to care for Granny for now these last _____years.
However, it is necessary now that I get on with my own life. I have neglected my education, the building of a work history, my friends and my life for as long as I am able.
I will be leaving Granny's home on the following date: _____________(here you insert the date. I would give Uncle at least one, and preferably two months notice).
I hope that you will find good care for Granny. I will enjoy visits to her.
You will sign this. When Uncle contacts you you will tell him that nothing in your letter is "open to discussion with him or anyone else".
OR you can continue with what you are doing. If that is your choice--and make no mistake it is YOUR choice--then no one will sympathize or thank you. That is the way of it when families are abusive. You are the doormat and they have muddy feet.
Click on the link beneath your post on the word Burnout. Read about compassion fatigue.
If uncle blocks your calls, call his wife or his kids or whoever has his ear. Let them know you can’t continue and now you need respite. Now. Not next week. Now.
Not at any price.
Three shifts (24/7) caregiving is too much for one person = fact.
Your life is not for sale.
A 24/7 Caregiver shift for someone in Grandma's shape is similar to a shift for cancer or hospice care 24/7 and is not sustainable. Some nurses do these shifts for 3 days, then break for 3 days. Even so, the stress of those jobs still cause burnout.
The fact that it is a family member makes it even worse for you.
There have been young family members sign on to this forum, who are obligated by their culture, customs, and family traditions to be the only caregiver-out of ignorance. We have supported them, walked them through it, and watched them lose their stability, life choices, and sanity while caregiving. Only to age beyond their physical abilities to do the work and injure themselves, and to neglect their own health to care for someone else.
There are other better choices for the professional care your grandmother deserves.
Look around you-the room you are in just now. Is there a door?
Use it.
And set yourself free.
I hope that 40% give you an OMG moment. And tell your Uncle the same thing. Grandmother now needs a professional village to care for her.
Those years caring for Grandma will not be counted in for Social Security. You need enough years to someday make a claim for retirement benefits.
I'm guessing that they count if you ever need disability income, as well.
You didn't sign in blood that you would stay in your current position forever.
You're an adult.
You're entitled to change your mind.
Give Uncle two weeks.
Tell him that you need someone to give you relief for 8 hours a day for those two weeks, or you are going to call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable elder, because you will be gone the next day, if he doesn't agree.
YOU are worth saving.
Someone told me this when I joined this forum:
Your Grandma has already had a life.
It's time for you to live yours.
Let us know the progress you make towards your get-away.
We're cheering for you!
Why aren't her own adult children jumping in to help Grandma? Do they even come visit her? I doubt it. I take it you are getting room and board, and not paid anything else? Go on Roomies.com to find a room in a house in your area to stay in, until you get off your feet.
Tell Uncle he needs to hire caregivers and deal with Grandma, she's too much for one person to handle. She belongs in a facility to be cared for by medical professionals. Slavery is not the career for you! Whatever guilt they try to sucker you with, keep saying, "I'm leaving in 2 weeks on Sept. __ and starting a new job." Just ignore them if they don't listen. You don't need to explain why, you have put in 3 years and are done.
Do not discuss it with Grandma, she won't remember anyway. Where is your own Mother and why isn't she backing you up??
You don't get the time you spent on Grandma back. Not your fault Grandma is old, demented and mean. You did your best and now are burned out. It happens to most all caregivers. Nothing to feel guilty about!
It seems all other her adult children (and grandchildren) want nothing to do with Grandma. You have been taken advantage of long enough! Uncle will have to deal with placing Grandma in a facility or hiring several aides. The cost is huge, so they all have been avoiding paying for it, to keep their inheritance. Be mad at the family, they weaseled you into the job nobody wanted.
Don't answer their guilt calls and and TAKE BACK YOUR YOUNG LIFE! Don't get talked into staying whatsoever. You can rebound quickly and be happy again!
You stop, and disconnect the doorbell after giving firm notice to quit in writing to Uncle.
If you were employed you would be due time off as well as other benefits as a paid caregiver.
If you are not getting paid you should be.
Since your Uncle seems to be the one holding the purse strings you need to tell him that
1. You want to get paid. Search your area to find out what the going rate is for caregivers. Typically you will find between $25.00 and 30 per hour. And you want time off. NO ONE can work 24/7.
2. Room and board is not compensation for caregiving services.
3. If he does not agree to properly compensate you and allow you time off you will walk away from this "job" (actually this is slave labor and it is not legal.)
Tell him that you want to be paid and if not you will find leave on August 31st. That gives him time to come up with either other caregivers that will fill in when you are not there or find placement for grandma.
When you leave on August 31st if no other arrangements have been made call APS and report a vulnerable senior and give the address.
YOU are not responsible for her.
If your parents generation want their inheritance, therefore, THEYRE the ones that have to sleep with demented grandma, get her aides or put her in a home. It’s their inheritance, not yours, and you owe them nothing.
Were I you, I would apply for a crew job on a cruise ship. You will be working long stretches without an official weekend but if you’re young and strong you can do it. You won’t have to pay room or board, the ship does that. You’ll be in like a floating hostel (rooms single sex) with good hot food and on board medical paid for by them. And a lot of the income will be tax free. Which means more money for college or trade school.
You get to leave for your own life as you should. As long as there’s an inheritance, those immediately benefiting will step up to take care of it.
You tell your uncle “ I am No longer going to be providing grandmother’s care . Uncle Bill , you will have to come up with another plan “.
Grandma is pretty far into dementia now , she needs a memory care facility.
Go get a job . Move out either back home with your parents or a friend until you can get back on your feet . Maybe some of your friends will understand and be willing . You tell your uncle you are moving out in 2 weeks . What you have been doing is a job . You can quit this job just like any other job . No one can make you stay with guilt trips.
Grandma is not your responsibility to begin with . I get angry when people make the grandchild give up their young adult life . Good Luck . Take your life back .
If you are "afraid" of this family allowing you to do this to yourself, then you need the courage to be able to come forward, discuss with them that you will be leaving this caregiving, and telling them when you will do so; that will allow them time to make changes to provide care for their loved one.
I wish you the best. You are now grownup. You are responsible for your own choices and others should not be making your choices for you, for the choices we make have real consequences for our entire lives. I wish you the best moving forward. Do seek help as soon as you can.
Your grandmother sounds like she's well into the world of dementia, and now requires WAY more care than you or any other single person can provide.
She now needs a village to help her, and that more than likely means being placed in a memory care facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her grandchild and not her burned out, mentally and physically exhausted caregiver.
So tonight you tell your uncle that you will be moving out in 2 weeks and that he has until then to either hire full-time in-home help for his mother or to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
You are WAY too young to be wasting your life with a responsibility that was never yours to begin with.
Your grandmothers children MUST now step up and do right by their mother.