I'm a caregiver for my aunt and she had a stroke last year, but I've been taking care of her since the end of 2016. She's married her husband doesn't come around, dropped her off, keeps her check and I pretty much have zero support. I got a bath aide twice a week and I'm supposed to have a provider twice a week 2 hours per day but that doesn't happen often. I took care of both of my parents before they passed away, I can't do this anymore. I'm not the greatest of help myself I'm battling depression, major depression and I need two hernias repaired. I love her to death and I've been trying my best but I haven't even been out of my own home in 3 months. I can't do this anymore, but I really don't want her to know that. I want to do this anonymously, but how? It's her husband's job to take care of her and I know I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm having thoughts of suicide and I have enough problems with my depression I can't handle this anymore I need help please.
You have to tackle her husband. There is no other way. For moral support and advice about how to approach him - especially about the money, which you should be able to use to pay for her costs including care - call your Area Agency on Aging and speak to a social worker.
Also - sorry, don't know how I didn't react to this - you are NOT wrong to feel as you feel. Your aunt's husband is cheerfully taking advantage of you and the situation is utter bullswotsit.
Do you have a Power of Attorney? Is there anything signed by your aunt that says you can control her finances? Are you on her accounts? If her husband is her POA, he has to make an accounting of where her money goes. Are the bills being paid? Are you using your own money to pay for her care? That’s not right. If that’s the case then you need to speak with an Elder Law Attorney and see what can be done. I’m not familiar with the legalities of what he’s doing, and you need the word of an Attorney to back you up. Don’t be intimidated by going to see an attorney for advice. It’s amazing how people shape up once they know you have an attorney on your side.
Don’t just leave. You will never be able to forgive yourself and that’s not fair to you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Contact those agencies I mentioned before, go on the Internet to find if you or she are eligible for other help. If you or she are affiliated with a church, their members may also be able to help.
Good luck to you. Come back any time to let us know what’s happening.
As for telling your Aunt, I have a feeling she would understand that you are tired and you need a much needed break. Tell her if you could clone yourself into two more people that you would keep being her caregiver forever.
Has your Aunt been paying you to be her caregiver? How are you paying your own bills. I see your Aunt has been living in your own home. How are you paying your mortgage or rent?
If push comes to shove, tell your Aunt's husband that close to 40% of family caregivers die while caring for a love one. Does are not good odds. Then what would your Aunt's husband do?
You said you'd like to stop being your aunts primary caregiver anonymously. Perhaps that could be accomplished by calling the Texas Adult Protective Services (APS) at 1-800-252-5400 to explain the care that you've been providing your aunt due to your uncle's indifference/negligence and possible financial abuse and that you can't do it anymore, but that you don't want your aunt to know that you're burned-out. The Dept. of Family and Protective services website says they answer calls all hours everyday. Here's the website: https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/adult_protection/
To get longer-term help call the Texas Adult and Disability Resource Center (ADRC) at 1-855-937-2372. It's website says ADRC helps older adults and people with disabilities, but I don't know if its help is available on weekends. Here's its website: hhs.texas.gov/services/aging/long-term-care/aging-disability-resource-center
It's hard to give specific advice without knowing more, but Ahmijoy, Countrymouse and freqflyer all had some good ideas for you to consider. Your situation is hard, but there is help available and I think you'll find that you do have some options to get you to where you can see the light at the end of this tiring journey you've been on. Best wishes.
Contact Texas Adult Protective Services ASAP.
It seems the more help I look for the worse off it gets...direct home health just discharged her...
If I could get the help I am sure I would be okay, but it's so much red tape. I've got her Med. Poa. Her husband doesn't have anything except a marriage certificate. Its a really complicated situation with him. I recently figured out he's schizophrenic...and that makes it worse.
I'm unwilling to go against her wishes for many reasons that its just not right. I love her to death and I'm grateful that she's here and not elsewhere, but there is only so much a single person can take.
If your mental health and physical health are both deteriorating, as you’ve said, then you have two choices. One is to stay where you are and continue down the same path. The second is to follow the trail of “red tape” to its end and get some help for youself. It might involve leaving your present home with your aunt and moving out on your own. Inform her husband you need a break to get yourself together and see what he says.
If I up and left she would have no one.
Again I've tried getting her to talk to her doctors...all that happened was I got ignored. I can't seem to get her to realize how bad off physically I am. Hell I can tough out the mental battle...
But having to pick her up to get her to the bathroom and back to bed...with 2 hernia...I'm spent...
Call APS today!