We drive 12 hours there and back to visit my Mom. She is in NJ, we are in SC. We drive so that we can have transportation to take my elderly mom and her 2 elderly sisters to run errands, Dr. appointments and grocery shopping or just out to dinner. I have been married 30 yrs. to a very nice man who is very respectful to all of my family and will do anything to help them. But I always get a lot of back talk from them saying things like, “Why can’t you come and visit your mom without your husband.” Leave him at home sometimes and you just come, and do all the running around and chores for them by yourself. But my husband feels as though it’s his responsibility to take me up and help see about my mom and her elderly siblings and they are so mean and unappreciative. He does all the driving because he knows I don’t like to. And they are so mean and say nasty hurtful things to me when he is not around. I am so angry and hurt by these visits. I have asked her many times to come and visit us in SC where she owns her own home and it will be so much easier to see about her with all her grown grandchildren and family members who live there and she refuses to even come and visit. So we go up every 2 or 3 months to see about her and she tells her sisters she wishes I wouldn’t bring my husband all the time but I need his help! He is so quiet and sits in the truck when we go in stores he tries his best to give us time together but she still will fuss, cuss and carry on when she gets me alone to herself. I even flew up there and stayed a whole month doing things for them and running around. I was exhausted. My husband rented me a car for the month I was there. I ended up getting in a wreck when someone ran-into me. I was so exhausted when I got back home I told him never again. From now on he said he was going to take me. I am just out of options trying to please my mom.
Then just stop trying as it's more than obvious that she'll never be pleased.
Tell her that if she doesn't like your husband coming along that you will just have to stay home from now on, and then stick to it.
You can instead visit her on a Zoom call, where it won't be so physically and mentally draining for you.
I'm guessing that after a few months of just seeing you on Zoom that they all will welcome you and your husband with open arms.
Remember that 2 can play this game, and you actually have the upper hand in this game.
I have an amazing life with my husband. My mom, my family and my ex husband, where all pushing me to do more , do more , I realized they are all jealous of me, even mom. They hate the fact that we are close , they just plain hate that I'm happy.
My husband would never let me drive 12 hours by myself. My husband won't let me bring mom to doctors during snow storms, and very much makes my family angry, I had it out with them about that this winter.
You have to stick up for yourself, you don't deserve such disrespect from your family just because, why, your happy. I've gained strength to put many boundaries up as for how much I'm going to do and how much I'll put up with.
I've gained much strength from the wonderful advice and people from this forum, and I've gained strength from my husband. And a few weeks ago I figured out how much jealousy there is for me. My family was trying to cause me and my husband issues.
Trying to prove to themselves,they were right. Ten years ago when they said it will never last , that they where right. So now I just rub my happiness in as much as I can when I can.
Best of luck to you. I know how hard this is , hardest thing we will ever do.
They have NO right to be rude to you or say disrespectful things about your husband. You can never please people like this, so don't even try. They don't deserve it.
This needs to be called out when it happens, like "Aunt Myrtle, I'm not going to listen to you say rude things about my husband." Then calmly walk away. Do not engage. People who behave like this are usually looking for drama and love to argue, so don't take the bait. If the behavior continues, there need to be consequences, like cutting the visit short.
Respecting your elders does not include accepting their rude behavior.
You don't get to choose your biological family but you do get to choose how much or little time you spend with them.
You Mom is needing more and more help and you are being slowly assumed into a caregiver role. Caregiving needs to be voluntary, and needs to work for the caregiver so that it isn't onerous. Neither of these 2 conditions are currently being met, therefore your Mom needs to figure out a different plan.
In no way should you be driving 12 hours to be unappreciated and disrespected. Visit once a year and let her know if she needs more help than that, she needs to come up with a plan that doesn't involve you going there because it's not an option. Especially if you are not her PoA (...are you?)
And, what's her sisters' plans for when they need more help? Hope it's not you as well. Up until 2022 I was PoA for my Mom and her 2 elderly sisters who never married and had no kids. They lived 900+ miles away from me. A person can only do so much. They've had their whole lives to make realistic plans for themselves. If they don't do that, it's their problem, not yours.
If your Mom wasn't always nasty, then please consider she has the beginnings of dementia. Extreme tubbornness, illogical thinking, selfishness/loss of empathy for others, loss of verbal filter: all early behavioral symptoms.
Would you rather I come with my husband or not at all?
If they start saying anything mean or nasty when he is not there you do any of these:
If you are in a room with them, say "I don't like it when you talk about "Steve" like that, I have asked you not to. If you don't stop I will leave" If they continue...get up and leave. This would go for anyplace you are with them except the doctors office. If there you finish the appointment and return them from whence they came.
If you are in the car going to lunch or shopping turn the car around and end your day.
There are 2 important people that you have to please more than your mom...you and your husband.
They need you, why you wouldn't stop this backbiting of a man that has and is so good to them is beyond me. I made it clear to my parents, my hubby is OFF limits, you talk crap in any way, shape or form and I walk away, never to look back. They both knew that I was not going to let anyone talk about my husband and put up with it. They didn't say anything again that was not the kindest words about him.
if you really think about it, do you actually even LIKE these family members who give you grief? Or do you just want acceptance or thanks or some other kindness that they have never given you? And you’re going to keep on keeping on until you get it? Because if that’s the case, you’re never going to get it, and you might as well stay home and enjoy life with your husband. Instead of driving to NJ and back, you could be sitting on the porch and eating pecan pie with the neighbors.
Let mom and aunties get their bloomers in a twist and don’t you show up to untwist them. They can complain about your husband to each other instead of to you. And they probably will.
I so hope that these women do not think that you will be their Caregiver. I would make them very aware that won't be happening. That when they can no longer do for themselves its Assisted Living or Long-term care. Depends on what they can afford. You are not obligated to take care of them. And from what you have written they are the last people I would want to care for.
Boundaries and you set them. They will not abide by them but you stick by your guns. Next time they say, don't bring the husband, tell them firmly, while looking them straight in the eye. "Thats never going to happen. And you hounding me is not going to make it so. If you want me to continue to come up, he comes with me." You have to stand up to people like this. You are doing them a BIG favor. They need you more than you need them.
Don't try to please her. Just do what your willing to do and to the rest, oh well. Your only one person. And if I had Aunts like that, I would have long ago told them to hire someone to help them.
Call their County's APS and tell them what's going on. They can help set up rides and similar errands. STOP taking 12 hour drives to help such mean women! Don't waste another day anymore! Use the phone instead.
Tell them NO MORE VISITS. They are all JEALOUS you have a devoted husband. Start making HIM (and yourself) your priority. Those witches aren't ever going to come help you! I doubt if they ever have helped anyone in their lives.
Enough is enough. Stop going anymore at all. What if you get sick or in an accident? Who helps them instead? They will find someone else to use and abuse. You will NEVER get that time back you wasted on those selfish witches.
You and hubby should be taking a lovely vacation every year instead. Stop wasting your time and money! Please your devoted HUSBAND, not your Mother!
(I doubt if Mother ever sacrificed her life for her elder parents)
Make your next visit your last visit. Leave them a list of cab company phone numbers, grocery delivery numbers, care company numbers, etc. Whatever services you think they'll need. Also get a few brochures for Assisted Living places nearby and add those to the pile, along with a real estate agents card.
Why bother killing yourself trying to make miserable people happy? It's not possible, so stop trying. You deserve to be treated with respect for all you do for your relatives, and should demand it. When my mother got ranting at me, I'd leave her presence and tell her I'd be back another time when she was in a better mood.
Its not written in stone anywhere that you're obligated to be the chore service for this group. Resign immediately.
Good luck to you.
The poster who said they want to steamroll over you was pretty spot on. And the other one who said you will never be able to please them so stop trying is also right.
Stand up for yourself. Next time they act up put them in their place. You forget you have all the power.
I would tell her if she doesn’t like the help that you provide she can hire someone else to do it.
Your Mom doesn’t get to dictate that your husband not come . You are the one helping so it’s on your terms not Moms.
Personally, I would stop going to see her . She obviously does not appreciate the help.
Let her sell her house in SC and use the money to hire a chauffer !!
My relationship with my mother was not the best for the past two years before she died last month. I decided never to be alone with her again because she was nasty and miserable and looking to pick a fight. I always had my daily visit when a caregiver was there. When she went into the nursing home my husband came with me every single day to visit.
I could not have done what I did for the past years flying from San Francisco to NYC every other month for a one month stay without his support. It is the only thing that got me through this. He will continue to be with me as I support my father through his final years. I would be a raving lunatic if he wasn't by my side.
I am a lucky woman too.
I got tired, missurable, burnout, joined this forum, since it has been a journey of me healing and trying to figure out what is best to go for me and my family.
So I had a talk with mom about being more appreciative of me, so she would try to say these extremely painful thank yous. ( It was actually kind of comical)
My brother is POA , never around and I WAS doing all the work and being treated like crap. Had it out huge with my brother. Things improved some, but I new with the golden child giving mom the thumbs up about me it was going to be difficult.
So I backed way off. Honestly the only thing that helped was a very nosey busy body of a neighbor near moms, told my brother I'm ready to bail any minute. ( I did tell her that) Anyways wow what a difference, night and day. Bro got a huge scare and told mommy.
To be honest she is even happier, mom actually likes me now and we are both enjoying are time together.
Not sure if I'll ever speak to my brother again. He has caused me and our mother a lot of pain, she didn't need. Trying to be the number 1 most liked child.
But anyways maybe your mom needs a scare.
Hope that wasn't too much about me but it was the best way for me to explain it to you.
Best of luck!! From one caregiver to another 🙂