I don’t know how to help my mom anymore without my life being put on hold. What do I do?

You’ve been caring for her since you were literally a 10th grader, but kept your graves up so that you could go to college.

You aren’t selfish in as much as you are a hero. A pragmatic one, and now of age.

Councelling.
College.
Courage - you have this already.

Kidney failure can start to have cognitive changes & also include lack of insight to her level of care. Some get nasty, others off with the fairies.

Mother's care needs have been hers all along - to accept, to source, arrange & step up as time went on. Expecting a child to meet all your health needs or responsibilities is a huge shirk. She probably didn't know what else to do... Many don't.. or have trust issues with strangers.

Whatever the past I hope your future has some time for there a more adult-adult relationship. One where Mother is introduced to a care service (maybe even Hospice) & you get to step forward into your adult life.

Tell her you care ❤️ but still move forward. Sometimes we have to grow at different speeds to those around us.

Oh my goodness. Don't even let it cross your mind that you are selfish - you are not. Your brother seems to have gotten on with his life without any guilt, leaving you to take care of a very abusive woman. Why does she keep saying she wants to die in front of you? Only a very narcissistic and abusive person would want anybody to go through that!!

You have the right to live your life and maybe placing mom in a facility where she can receive the care she needs or get in-home care if your brother doesn't want to take over. You have the right to go to college and get a job. Most parents would be happy to see their child growing up and moving into the adult world, not guilt them into never leaving the house.

You may ask your mom what she was doing when she was 16 - 18 years old. I'll bet it wasn't taking care of an ailing relative who isolated her and demanded 24 hour care.

Your mom is very selfish.

A selfless mother would want you to focus on your future, leave the nest and have a life as an adult, and not sacrifice your life to be her caregiver.

You are much too young to be dealing with this. It is NOT selfish to live your own life! Seriously. Take care of YOURSELF first.

Not only is your father abusive, but so is your mother. Telling you often that she wants to 'die in front of you' is abusive, and of course you don't know how to deal with that! Her having adopted you late in life, or at ANY age, should have meant that SHE was willing to take care of YOU, not that she needed a nurse to adopt to take care of HER! She wound up doing you a great disservice in life by bringing you into such a dysfunctional household and putting a young child in charge of her healthcare. That is wrong on EVERY level imaginable, and I'm very sorry for your situation. You are NOT selfish and you do NOT sound 'hostile' in this post. You sound like a lost young woman and rightly so! You have every right to want a normal life for yourself, except that your very SELFISH and mentally ill mother is preventing you from having one. That is the truth here, so please do not put the burden of blame on yourself; it belongs to your mother who never should have been approved to adopt children in the first place. It's unfortunate that many unqualified and mentally ill people who want to be parents are allowed to slip through the cracks of social services and get approved to adopt children; oftentimes they know just how to play the game perfectly; how to say & do the right things in order TO get approved! Which is sad & unfortunate, but here's where you find yourself now: at 18 years old, feeling beholden and exhausted, trying to care for a 73 year old sickly woman when you should be off in college and living a life free and clear of such obligations ENTIRELY.

You can speak to your guidance counselor at school, but I don't know that you'll have much luck. Many of them can wind up telling you to stay where you're at and care for your poor mother, that it's 'the right thing to do.' So if that happens, please know that you're getting BAD advice! And that you'll have to rely on your OWN decision making to move forward in life and away from the household that's making it impossible for you TO move forward. This does not mean you don't 'love' your mother; just that you recognize the extreme dysfunction going on there and that you need to get AWAY from it asap.

I was adopted myself at 3 months old by a mentally ill mother and a father who worked entirely too much so he wasn't home to see what went on there. It was ugly. I knew in my heart, from a very young age, that SHE was the one who was 'off', not me, and somehow, that STRENGTHENED me! Also knowing I did not have her blood helped me make the decision to get OUT of there as soon as I was able. And I did. So should you. I worked several jobs to make ends meet and recall stealing cans of tuna from the grocery store on occasion just so I could EAT. But it was okay b/c I was OUT of the chaos and making my own decisions.

If you move out, you are not 'throwing your mom away' but taking control of your OWN LIFE. Mom can hire help to come into the house, or she can move into a Skilled Nursing Facility, or or or. What she can no longer do is usurp YOUR life, at 18, and prevent you from going to college so you can continue waiting on HER hand and foot. Know in your heart that it's OKAY to stop doing that. She's a grown woman and can figure out what to do next without you there and without ruining your life.

I wish you the best of luck realizing YOUR life is in YOUR hands now. I love ya ma, I just can't continue devoting my entire life to your care & well being. It's MY TURN NOW.

Please tell me you’re going to out of state college. You live your life or you’ll be a hostage caregiver to your mother forever. Your brother has no trouble living his life guilt free. You’d be just as busy as him if you didn’t put your life on hold to be a caregiver for your mother. Make other caregiver arrangements for your mother. Maybe she can be in a care facility. A hospital visit to ER can help if all else fails. She’s bringing you down into the depths of a mental depression that will be like quicksand to try and get out of. She wants to, at this point, bring you down with her. Don’t let that happen.
Hugs 🤗

I'm a little confused here as if you're 18 and your mom is 73, that means she had you when she was 55??? Really??? And even if you were adopted her age would probably not allowed for that. So perhaps you need to clarify things.
But that being said, you are not your mothers keeper. PERIOD. Where is your dad in all this? If they are still married, she is his responsibility, not yours. And if they are not together she still is not your responsibility.
You are very young and have a life to live, and deserve to live it. Graduate high school, go on to college, have a career and do what ever you want to in life. If you don't you will only continue to fall behind in things and will live to have many regrets.
Please like Countrymouse suggested talk to your high school counselor and seek other resources so mom and get the help she needs from others and not you, and get out there and start living and enjoying your life!

You're doing a terrific job, actually more than a terrific job. Before you leave for college may appointments with some of your mom's doctors and go speak with them without her. Ask for their advice regarding her care and if they can advise an agency for help for mom while you at college (yes, even if you are online so that you don't get interrupted). If your mom goes to dialysis for her renal disease ask to speak to a social worker. Ask what at-home care they might be able to arrange. Call the nearest Aging Agency in your city or county to see if they can help with benefits or assistance for your mom. If you are located in the US, your mom receives Medicare and if her income is low enough, Medicaid. She will be able to receive homecare through Medicaid. You love your mom and want to take care of her, but at 18 you need to finish your education and get a job so that you can not only help yourself in the future, but also your mom if you would like that. You are amazing and deserve the best for yourself!

Arabella,
What a beautiful name for a beautiful person! You are wonderful to do all this for your mother but this is too much. Most people at 18 are not even finished growing up yet, and here you are with full responsibility for an elder. It's unfair and too much of a burden. Your brother should be involved if he's not. You might need to make it clear to him that you need help, not just with her daily care but with decisions about her future. You should have the opportunity to go to college if that's what you want. Talk with her doctors about the possibility of her going to assisted living. If she has any other relatives other than you and your brother that you trust, talk to them for advice. As Countrymouse said, try your high school counselor; although this may be above their paygrade, they might be able to refer to you somewhere for help. You don't need to accept your mom's limited life plan for you, you deserve to live your life and you are not selfish to want to do so.

Speak to your high school counsellor. There are groups and organizations offering support for young caregivers everywhere, and your counsellor should be able to signpost you to them. You don't need to give up your life, and you don't need to abandon your mother either - what you do need is information and resources. Best of luck, and welcome to the Forum!