I wrote one question on this site years ago, but at that time I wasn't sure whether my father was also connected to this site, and in case he was, I wanted to make sure that he didn't notice my question, so I reversed my parents' genders when I asked the question. I'm pretty sure I'm "in the clear" now, so although my original question mentioned that my father had dementia, it was actually my mother who had it. My mother died six months ago, and my father is now living on his own. I'm in the same city (I moved here because of my mother's illness), and we have no other relatives in North America other than my sister who lives on the other side of the country. Neither my father nor I have much of a social network here - he and my mother moved here a couple of years before I did, and my mother was already ill by that point, so it was pretty difficult for them to find friends (although they did find a few). And I'm just a person who likes to be alone most of the time (also my work keeps me very busy).
Okay, that's the backdrop. Current situation: my father is becoming very stressed out. His memory is now extremely bad (i.e. he will repeat the same questions several times in one short conversation, and then again in the next conversation, and so on), and he is in the habit of writing down everything that he is thinking, in an attempt to make sense of things. This is helpful in a way, but he writes himself little messages in various different places in his home and it is becoming confusing even for me. To add to the stress, he nearly became the victim of a phone scam two weeks ago (and not even a very sophisticated one). I was able to intervene and no money was lost, but it's clear to me that something like this could happen again. Precautions that I have taken include telling him many times not to answer the phone unless he knows who is calling (but he sometimes still does pick up the phone for unknown numbers - I know this because I check his cell phone); taping the words "don't answer unless you know the caller" to his cell phone and his landline phone; and recently I set his cell phone to "do not disturb" (the phone only rings if people on his "favourites" list are calling). The unintended consequence of this is now he worries constantly about everything, and I think he is quite overwhelmed. I think it must be very frightening to go through life with no memory of anything that has happened recently, no ability to follow a set of instructions, and virtually no understanding of numbers. On the other hand, he can cook his own meals, drive to familiar places (although he drives less and less now), and his home is always tidy (not extremely clean, maybe, but never messy).
I have POA but I'm not sure that that's a very good thing since I don't have a lot of knowledge about the financial world and I really don't have the time or brain power to deal with two people's finances (his and mine). I know that when the time comes that he can no longer look after himself, he will need professional care because I am just not up to the task of caregiving (I am in awe of people who can do that, but after going through that hell with my mother, there is just no way). But I don't know how far we are from being at that point - and that is a situation that I am dreading, a lot.
Honestly, I don't even know exactly what my question is at this point, but if anyone can look through what I've just written and offer any kind of guidance, I would be very grateful. My stomach is in knots.
I've never had to be POA for anyone but I will be for my mom when she is. no longer capable. At this point, my sister and I are joint on all her accounts and I have taken over her bill paying. She only has a couple of credit card bills a month and I set them up online so I can pay them directly through her checking account. Maybe you could do something like this with your dad?
Caregiving is a challenge, or hell, no doubt about it. My mom is slowly declining, though she took a rather marked step down a couple months ago. I have certain milestones and/or timeframes in mind for when I need to get in-home assistance or move her to a facility of some sort. Basically, if she needs more than I am currently doing, it's time to get help. I'm not giving away any more of my time.
I can totally understand you dreading the point where your dad needs more caregiving. It's hard to deal with, even if you do not want to be the caregiver. I wish I had known how things were going to go 10 years ago and I would have made much better decisions.
What do you think you can do to help relieve your stress? And his?
I am sorry for the loss of your mom.
I went back and looked at your previous post. You were given some great advice. It’s good that you got the POA. You will have it when you need it.
Excellent that you have handled your dads phone issues. Since you mentioned that your family has only been in the states a few years I was wondering if your dad has Medicare insurance?
One of the suggestions you got was to contact your local Area Agency on Aging to see if you could arrange for an assessment of needs.
Your dad is soon going to need more care and he is clearly worried about himself. He is fortunate to have a daughter to advocate for him.
My MIL eventually got confused about whether or not she had eaten. We helped her transition into an AL facility and now she is in LTC and doing quite well, enjoying the company of the staff and the activities of the facility. We are relieved to know she is protected and receiving the medical care she needs. I think your father is at the point where he either needs more in-home help or a transition to a care community.
Your first step will be to see if your dad has Medicare, and whether he has the finances to afford additional care. You can read other posts on this forum about the options for his care and its costs, or post another question, because that discussion has important info to know.
It can feel overwhelming but you just eat the elephant one bite at a time. After the experience with my MIL I created a checklist for "new" caregivers/PoAs to help them know what to do and in what priority. Securing his finances and sensitive info from scammers and crooks and from his own mismanagement is very important. I give the list out to friends and family, it's not a thing I sell. If you'd like this list I'm happy to email it to you, just send me a PM (private message) through this forum.
This is all hard and you are in "good" company of people who have walked in your shoes. May you gain clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you go on this journey with your dad.