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We've been married for 4 years, she became ill after 6 months of marriage. It's all heart related and doesn't seem like it will ever improve. I don't think I'm being selfish when I say I feel frustrated and lost. I believe that God will never give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I feel I'm just running out of gas. It seems every day is exactly the same as the day before. I guess I don't really know what it is I'm asking for here, I suppose I may have just needed a moment to express my confusion & frustration.

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My condolences over the very difficult situation you find yourself in. It had to be a particularly tough pill to swallow to become a fulltime care giver to your brand new bride, and to take on a role that hit you out of nowhere. I don't think you're selfish in the least for feeling lost and frustrated...you're just human and reacting like anyone else would.

You need to think about a long term care plan now, for your wife and for yourself. There are TWO lives at stake here, not just one. Does your wife have children who would be willing to help you out with her care? Or perhaps you can hire in home help on a part time basis and increase the hours as needed.

You don't mention what her heart issues are. Could she be a candidate for cardiac rehab? Is there a diet and exercise plan you could both embrace that might help her improve? I ask that because my husband just had triple bypass surgery and I'm helping him with a lifestyle change. I'll also tell you that sometimes I feel like running away....when he won't even take responsibility for drinking a Boost to keep his calories up. I didn't sign up to be a babysitter, but here I am. He'd do the same for me, I know. But I use tough love with him too, and tell him to pull on his big boy pants and do HIS PART! 😁 Team work is essential in a marriage. It can't be ONE person doing everything all the time, either.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed coming to a resolution to your difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
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jjas57 Dec 2020
Thank you, your response really hit home with me on a number of points. You sound like a very strong woman. What do you do when you get that " want to run away" feeling? I feel like that often but realize I can't go very far. I'm alone here caring for her. I have a care worker 3x a week for an hour to help a bit, that gives me time to go shopping. Best wishes to you & ty.
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I am so sorry that you are struggling with this.

Of course you aren’t selfish. You’re tired and running on fumes.

You mention anxiety in your profile. Has she spoken to her doctor about medication for this?

It sounds like she may be afraid. If meds can calm her fear along with therapy it may help tremendously.

What does her doctor say about her health regarding her heart?

Can you share a bit more information please?

Best wishes to you and your wife.
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jjas57 Dec 2020
Hi, my wife had double bypass surgery, has copd, congestive heart failure, severe lymphoedema, diabetes, and asthma. She takes lorazepam 3x daily for anxiety & carbodopa 2x daily for tremors. Doctors won't say if she'll ever get better, I'm told I spoil her by doing too much but at her age & her health I feel she needs everything I can possibly offer. She's a very proud woman and I know it breaks her heart to live like this. My job, my responsibility, is to give her the highest quality of life that I possibly can. I quit my job to be here 24/7. I guess I'm at a loss and a bit confused because I'm new to all this, I don't see it getting any easier, it's actually getting harder. I don't know what else to do or where else to turn.
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Thank you,
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JJAS57 - You are definitely burned out from caregiving. Most of us who take on this most difficult job will hit that point sooner or later.

I know the feeling well. The feeling of being tied to my Alz. mother 24/7 and not being able to do anything without considering her needs. My family (husband, me, and 2 teen daughters) have not gone on vacation for 5 years now. Now that she's incontinent, OMG, I'm tied to her bathroom needs daily. OMG, OMG. I want to scream. Why? Why? Why do people have to live way too long beyond their ability to care for themselves? Medical miracles that doctors can unclog hearts, by-pass clogs, prescribe drugs to control blood pressure, and a whole host of diseases. But what do these treatments get us? They get us people who are so unwell, so sick, so damaged, but just keep on ticking, and become dead weight for everyone else.

JJAS57 - Sorry, I'm just releasing my frustration tonight having to deal with a disgusting diaper.

One silver lining for what I am going through is that I know I do not want to become a burden for my kids or my spouse. I'm putting together my living will. Not complete yet, but so far: No heart surgery for me after certain age. No heroic treatments. No life / death prolonging drugs, DNR (which will break your rib bones, and might leave you brain dead), and more to be added.

JJAS57 - Most everyone here knows exactly what you're going through and how frustrating, tired, overwhelmed, and burned out you are. We know because we've been there, or are still there. Your life / retirement as you know and hope it to be is over and gone. So sad.
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JJAS57, you said: "I don't see it getting any easier, it's actually getting harder. I don't know what else to do or where else to turn."

You HAVE TO get help. You must take breaks and recharge and live a sliver of your life separate from the caregiving job you take on. Can you afford to hire someone to come once or twice a week for a few hours to stay with her so you can take a break? I read a post from someone who said you can't pour from an empty cup. That's where you are, JJ, empty. You need to refill, or else you will wither away and may die before your wife. I'm not trying to scare you. I say that because a large percentage of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.

Take care of yourself. That is not selfish. That is necessary.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Wonderfully compassionate answer 😊.
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I certainly understand where you're coming from. I used to say that I felt like I was living the movie "Groundhog Day", where you just keep repeating the same day over and over. But that was before I learned how very important it was to take time for myself whenever I could. It's so important to make sure that you are doing little things for yourself everyday, to prevent the burnout you are now experiencing. It can be as simple as going for a walk around your neighborhood, meeting a friend for lunch or supper, going to church or just going in the other room and reading a good book. You will be amazed at how just doing some of these little things will change your perspective and give you strength for the journey.

I also used to say that I believed that God would never give me more than I could handle, until I was corrected by a woman at my church, who told me that yes He would give me more than I could handle, because if He didn't, we would think we could do it all on our own, and not depend on Him for help. That was eye opening for me, and made perfect sense. And by the way that phrase is no where in the Bible as many quote it like it is. The Bible says that "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13. There's a big difference in what God is actually saying there, so quit trying to handle it all on your own. Hire some outside help if needed, even if it's just so you can get away for a little while, start doing some more things for yourself, and ask God to help give you the strength and courage to continue on this journey. He will help you, and will reward you for taking your wedding vows seriously. May God bless you and keep you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Love this answer! Great response.
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I am so sorry that your wife's health has declined so early in your marriage. Being a caregiver is not for the meek.

In your marriage vows you promised that you would take care of your wife. That doesn't mean to solely care for her. It doesn't mean at the expense of your own health. You've already expressed your frustration in caring 24/7. Frustration can lead to anger and anger can grow into resentment. Don't let that happen. God may not give you more than you can handle but he can sure put you to the test. I'm glad you've hired someone to give you a break. But 1 hour 3 times a week isn't much. Can you afford more? Can you afford a 3 hour break?

Are you a veteran? If so call the VA they may be able to help. Talk to your pastor. They often have contacts, maybe even volunteers who are willing to give you some time off.

You feel that all you are is a 24/7 caregiver to your wife. That, my friend, is no meager responsibility, it is a noble act of love. But so is caring for yourself. It's not selfish, it's necessary. Do what you can but get all the help you need.
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jj,

Thanks for the additional information.

You are a lovely compassionate gentleman. I admire that BUT you are not responsible for all of your wife’s care. She will adjust to receiving help from others.

I want you to know that that you are stretching yourself far beyond what you should be because you feel so badly that your wife is suffering.

I cared for my mom and I was over extending myself because I felt obligated to do so. When I let go I felt the weight of the world off of my shoulders.

Many on this forum encouraged me to take care of myself.

I realize that your wife has many health concerns and that it’s natural to want to comfort her.

You have NO control over her health issues.

Her situation is more than you can handle by yourself. Call her doctor or Council on Aging in your area, ask about the necessary resources that are available to help with your situation. Ask about planning for placement in a facility if you feel that is appropriate for her future care.

You are NOT being strong by holding on. You are becoming weaker and you are inadvertently causing harm for BOTH of you.

I am sure that she appreciates your efforts but I doubt that she would want you to over extend your capabilities.

Do you feel that you are not giving enough? Trust me, you have given more than ENOUGH!

Please let go of any guilt that you feel and know that you have gone ABOVE and BEYOND for your wife.

You are not being selfish at all by needing to nourish yourself.

I hope that I didn’t come across too harshly.

Your heart is in the right place. I feel that you need to adjust your actions by reaching out for the help that both YOU and your WIFE will benefit from.

Sincerely wishing the best for you and your wife.

Take care.
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Your loving care of your wife is wonderful, but unfortunately the fates have intervened in a way to prevent your doing together some things you may have done together in the past. I don't know what they are, but did you share such loves as long walks, golf, activities she can no longer do? I think part of the key is that your life must now be a combination.
You had a life four years ago before you met, and then you had a life together for only 6 months before she was struck with bad limitations. It sounds then as though you became a caregiver, giving UP the life you had both before you met, and after you were together. I think it may help you to take a step backward to those times, those friends, those walks, golfing, perhaps even travel that you did. You wife will survive some hours, days without your being there.
Be certain also that you are maintaining what independence for her that your wife can still have. There is a big difference between your taking on all the cooking and cleaning and letting you HELP her but being the sous chef for her when she cooks, and etc.
I am afraid you may think that if you cannot do things WITH her, you cannot do them; such is not the case. My partner and I seldom are doing the same things. He may be off shooting arrows while I garden, or down in the workshop while I read, and etc.
I wish you good luck finding ways to have a more full life, and do remember, right now we ALL feel, during lockdown, like we are basically getting up and doing the same thing every day.
I sure recommend a few games you might both like, whether chess or rummy or a puzzle; these things put your minds together in another place and are a relief.
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jj, I would encourage you to listen to her doctors. You are disabling her by doing everything for her.

It is so important that she does even that she can or she will never get any better.

That is why they won't tell you if she will get better, because they don't know if she is not going to do anything about her situation.

I am sorry if that seems harsh. It is the reality of the situation.
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Jj, I am so sorry for what you are facing now. But I commend you for opening up on this forum and seeking help. I found this a wonderful, safe place to vent frustration and seek advice while my father declined and passed away this summer.
As so many have already said, you need to take care of YOU! If you are exhausted, burned out, and frustrated you can't be any help to your wife.
Encourage her to do all she can to help herself. It's sometimes easy for a person with extensive health issues to accept, or expect, more care than they really need, or to fall into victim mentality. Don't let this happen, it's a hole you can't climb out of!
Double check your health insurance policy and see if there is a provision for any care. Sometimes people have a small benefit.
Hire more help! Get out of the house. I know there aren't many places to go in lockdown but even driving around for an hour with your favorite music playing, and no one knowing where you are can be rejuvenating.
Can she be left alone for a couple hours? Maybe put in an inexpensive camera that transmits to your phone.
And keep visiting this forum. The people here can all relate to exactly what you're going through. Check out the articles here on finding care and other topics which are very informative.
Best of luck to both of you.
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You can either hire a full time live in caregiver for her or look around for a facility...That’s what I would do. Is she at least appreciative? Not fair to you at all. Hugs 🤗
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Hello, I believe you may need to hire help such as a caregiver where you can find them by contacting local home care agencies in your area. This is called respite care. It’s relief for the primary caregiver. You can take a break for caring for your wife by having another caretaker take your role as you seem fit to your schedule and time for yourself each day. I would recommend 4-8 hours of hired help each day so you can balance your relationship with her and be a good husband without getting frustrated and burnt out. You serve a purpose to be there for her, be kind and help as you are needed and taken that vow stating “in sickness and in health.”. I’m sure she would take care of you if the tables were turned.
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You might join some kind of organization regarding Partners being sick or terminal.

You should hire a Caregiver to help your wife out so you can have a break.

If your wife is too sick to go out, have anice meal delivered and have a Date Night once a week.

Also, make sure you have some you time.
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What *exactly * do you do for her daily?
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When you have that nasty burned out feeling--try and think of it in a different way. How would you feel if it were you that was ill and think how you would like to be treated and still loved for the person that you are. It is very difficult having to constantly be a carer.(I have experienced this myself) There is a lot of help and support from Social Services. There are also groups of Carers who meet up to discuss their feelings and get advice. I expect your wife feels very helpless at times and feels bad that she is not still able to be the girl that you married. Make sure that you have good meals to keep yourself strong and never be embarrased to ask for help. You are doing a good job and your wife needs you to love her more than ever now.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2020
In this case the poor wife got seriously ill six months into the marriage and has been so ever since. She's never been the girl he married. They obviously have love for one another, but they've never lived a married life together. Pretty much it's been a patient/caregiver relationship. He wants to and is doing right by her but she's in invalid condition and can remain so indefinitely, he should not stay in that life. They can still love each other and be in each other's life, but in such a case if one spouse loves the other then they would want them to have another life.
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I understand your frustration as well. You are not alone !! Obviously there are a lot of us taking care of our partners/ or family members these days.
I had no idea what I would be a full time care giver, after I retired??!!
I was a successful full time Realtor, always busy and loved my job.
Now I can not work, my husband has Vascular Dementia, afraid to leave him
home alone. I do finally have a care giver come once everyother week.
But oh my God, its a lot to handled!! Plus Im 10 years younger than him and
1.5 feet shorter than him:)) Kind of tough, hes angry a lot and anxious, but also
an alcholic. So I have my hands full. DMV recently too away his right to drive, thank GOD!! I worried about his killing himself and someone ELSE!!!
Before I would have at least an hour or two to myself, but now NOTHING.
That is why I usually get up between 3-4 am every day, for quiet time.
He is a Vet and VA is going to send me more help:) His kids live in KY and really they dont want him living with them, and really dont want to put him in a home but if his memory gets a lot worse, I can NOT handle this. Not fair to me .
I have been married for 40 yrs, I feel so sorry for you only been married for 4 years, dont know that I would have stayed if I had been in your position. If I was you I would like about trying to find assited living for her. Too much for you to take care of!!!
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gaknitter Dec 2020
My spouse has vascular dementia as well, has had for almost ten years now; though I certainly didn't see them at first, there were signs. Glad to see that you are going to get some help from VA. Stay with it, it's not a rapid process. You need to see about VA naming you fiduciary for him. The VA doesn't recognize civilian POAs so when it gets to financial dealings and discussing the intricacies of VA care, you'll have a hard time without that. They usually get to that at 100% disability but if his DL has already been revoked he should be at that point. Took me almost 2 years to get to 100 from 80%. At that point they also declared him incompetent after he failed every day living activities evaluation and simple state test. You will have to provide in depth financials to process fiduciary. Documents backing up monthly expenses from mortgage, if any, utilities, insurance, consumer loans, credit card debt you name it. It seemed excessive at the time but when the VA specialist came to review everything I understood it better. As a longtime spouse they will trust you more than who might replace you should you predecease him and that person would have to justify sudden excessive spending of benefits. The VA can and will name someone of their choosing if no family member is suitable. That VA fiduciary specialist traveled from nearby state for interview us in our home (my husband excused himself after less than 5 minutes -above his mental abilities) and he shared some horror stories from nursing homes to individuals (like a fiduciary family locking veteran in basement with food and water and taking off for a vacation on his benefits) So they do have to make sure the fiduciary is going to take care of their veteran and not abuse him/her, watch over their nutrition and hygiene etc. Ask to get connected to a VA social worker so you have someone to reach out to and advocate for services you need. I have 11 hours of aid per week which, outside of Covid would not be enough for my respite but is currently adequate. My one complaint is that contractor requires minimum of 4-hour shifts and sometimes I'd like to break that down to less if I only need to be gone a couple of hours. As of October 2020, VA has expanded benefits for both veteran and caregiver. Visit this link to learn more about respite care etc...

https://www.caregiver.va.gov/support/support_benefits.asp

It's not an easy road and it can certainly be a lengthy one. My spouse is also ten years older than me, and my circumstances similar to yours, with a previously active professional and social life so I can relate to how you feel. Dementia and Alzheimer patients can live way beyond what one would expect. My husband has multiple physical ailments and yet here we are ten years later.... It has gotten easier in some ways, where he is past the aggressive, angry, "I am in charge here, get the F out of my life" period. He's more mellow and child like in some ways, but also leaving me less and less comfortable in absenting myself just to make a quick grocery run or other errand because he can't remember from one minute to next what I said - which is where I wish contractor would relax their 4-h shift requirement. And of course no more overnight trips without 24/7 presence of an aid on our dime. Do what you need to do to care for yourself, something that is not as easy to do in covid days. Wish you the best.
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I read that too much aspirin, when combined with beta blockers, can lead to congestive heart failure. Consider looking up the side effects of her meds (and also how they interact with each other) and see if they are aggravating her condition. A pharmacist might also be able to tell you. Also consider natural alternatives, such a a dietary change, that could help reduce her meds, with the guidance of a health practitioner.
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This hits close to home and presents an issue I have had to confront as well. Please take the responses I’ve seen here for you to take time to care for your needs to heart. I know that the better I feel, both physically and mentally, the better I cope with my wife’s and my circumstances. But that is only part of the answer to your question. The idea of losing your loving husband/wife relationship and becoming nothing more than patient/caregiver is one of the most difficult issues with which you will have to deal. I can tell you that dealing with that, like everything else, is a process and you will do well some days and poorly on others. After years of caregiving now, what I just recently have started trying to do is finding new things that I can do for my wife, not because she “needs” them but just because I love her. I know that everything we do for our spouses is out of love but we get so wrapped up and worn out providing for their needs, we quit, how should I say it, romancing them. An example: my wife loves Christmas but is confined to her bed 95% of the time. I quit decorating the rest of the house and bought a smaller tree and put it up in her room. We put on Christmas music and decorated the tree together by me bringing each ornament to her and we shared memories about the ornament before I put it on the tree. I decked out her entire bedroom. The idea here is not to decorate her room but rather to try to find things that she will enjoy that you can, in a modified way, share together. We’ve done that with wrapping Christmas presents. We have turned her shower days into “spa day” and do face creams and body washes. In many cases, it’s how you approach the things you are doing anyway; you just try to make it more fun for her. That has helped me to se her more as the girl I dated 53 years ago than my patient. Please don’t hear me to suggest that this is easy or 100% effective. But, it helps. We get so tied up meeting our spouses physical needs, we neglect their emotional needs (as well as our own). While it may sound like “one more thing” you have to do, the benefit to your relationship with your wife is worth it. Doing these types of things provides an emotional connection that is otherwise missing. Try to think of it like you are dating. When you are wooing someone you do things just because they would like it, just because it’s a sweet thing to do, just because you love them - try to do more of those things. It’s on you now because she can’t do those things. Hope that helps in some small way.
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RedVanAnnie Dec 2020
What a lovely contribution to the forum and what a positive and loving attitude you have expressed.

Thank you for telling us about the beautiful way you are moving through life's journey.
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I can understand your frustration. You don't mention your ages. If you are a young man in 20's, 30's, or 40's married for just 4 years, I can understand your frustration of caring for her 24/7. But if you both are upwards of 65 or 70, that should have been a consideration before marriage. Expect marrying at older age that being elderly can bring a different life, and lifestyle.
I would suggest you find a caregiving support group and attend regularly. In your case if she doesn't have memory loss, I would suggest a support group for illnesses that are NOT for memory loss. If she does have memory loss, find a support group strictly for memory loss. There will be differences to learn from these type groups that will help you cope, help you find ways to cope, and how others' handle situations. If you're not in upper years, find an advocacy group by asking your doctor or some other agency to help you find a caregiving support group. If you are senior, start with your Area on Aging in your State or County, they are resourceful agencies to help and lead you to some kind of help for yourself, and for how to care for your spouse.
If you can afford it, look into volunteer caregiving support, or individual people who are caregivers for less $$ than a caregiving company. If you are able to leave her for a while, go to an afternoon movie, (if theaters are open now during Covid), go to an afternoon lunch; golf, find a horseshoe group or pickle ball group to play or some other activity. If you are truly in love with your wife, you will find great help in your caregiving by the support group or getting a friend or relative to give you some respite once in a while. If you aren't happy with the situation and want "out" then see your lawyer. If you keep on caring for your wife without "support" and you are unhappy with your life as that is, you will only wear yourself down and get to hating life in its entirety and hate your wife as well.
Ask your doctor to recommend some type of help you can get, and initiate legal activities to care for her and you. Some of the Area on Aging departments of counties/State also have some lawyers doing pro bono work for individuals who can't afford attorneys. Good luck to you and your wife. Take care yourself as you take care of your spouse. Pray for guidance.
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It's called caregiver burnout. It happens all the time, and ironically it happens to good people who actually care enough to sacrifice completely of themselves for the selfless good of others. You keep asking yourself, "when will I emerge on the other side of this thing, and how? Will I be stronger, wiser, a better version of myself?"

The answer is not a simple one. Perhaps you will be one or a combination of those things, but you will also certainly be be older, and for at least a short while, disoriented and fatigued.

It's important to come to terms with the realities of your wife's condition, and your ability to cope with it for any length of time.

Is she terminally ill? If so, what is the prognosis in terms of time? Does she have dementia and is otherwise fairly healthy, because depending on age, you could be caring for her in such a state for MANY YEARS to come...

If you can rationally accept that you are only human, and a good human at that, you may be able to begin to reasonably discern: A.) The duration and course her illness may take, and B.) Your physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial ability to care for her for said course and duration.

Does she have any family? Any resources, human or financial, to assist in this process? Being a caretaker from 6 month of marriage is a hefty burden and you are not a monster for thinking so, nor are you cruel to imagine how you can remove yourself compassionately from this situation.

Check out the NIH and subsidiary NIA. Look up your state's department or coalition on aging, there may be great information to assist you in figuring out what to do next- the county you live in may also have a similar website or resources.

Remember, if she is truly disabled, she will likely be eligible for Medicare and social security. Similarly, you may be able to collect a stipend for cating for her which can ease the burden financially. You may have to take a short course on caretaking, but anything helps, and honestly you probably know most of what they're going to teach you anyway, so it should be a breeze.

As a 34 year old caretaker of two grandparents in their late 80s since I was 30, I have run the gamut of similar sentiments, and they are never easy to come to terms with or rationally hash out.

Bottom line: if you can achieve the monumentally difficult task of separating the emotions from the crucial accounting of the material facts, and add a heaping dose of your own wishes to how you would like this delicate recipe to turn out, you will be so much better off.

God bless you, and good luck!
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Allisonhere Dec 2020
Your response is so caring, intelligent and detailed that it took my breath away. So helpful to me even though I am not in this situation.
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I totally understand as I have been married 36 years but feel exactly the same. My friends encourage me to get outside help but I have been fearful because of the
pandemic. I am beginning to feel that I will have to take the risk and hire someone just to maintain my sanity. Good luck
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You need a little more people in your support network: to help care for your wife, to socialize with both of you, and to ensure both of your mental health. With COVID pandemic, burn out and social isolation are huge problems for a large part of every community. Start by asking family, friends, members of your faith community... to become more of a part of your weekly life: to help with tasks, to visit for meals, movies, games... and to give you time out of the home to do things you enjoy. If need be, supplement with paid health - sitters, home health aides... You can find information and rates through home health care agencies in your community.

I know the concern regarding COVID transmission is a part of our lives now and well into next year. Ask all visitors to wear face masks over their mouth and nose. Try to visit outdoors or in the largest room with good circulation. If you have a room that can be closed off from the rest of the house (3 season room, family room, game room...) consider this your "social room" and only have visitors in this room and 1 bathroom. Use high quality filters for your furnace or a/c. Wash high touch surfaces like counter tops, table tops and handles after visits and before preparing foods. Wash hands frequently, Ask visitors to use hand sanitizer or wash hands when entering your home. With those precautions, risk of contracting COVID will be minimal.
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It seems like every day is the same as the one before because it is. Since you've only been married for four years, I'm going to assume that you are not elderly. Your wife became seriously ill six months into your marriage. You never had the chance to be a husband. You got married and became a caregiver and that's been your life for years. Of course you love your wife and want to do right by her. You should have a life outside of your caregiver duties. I would suggest that you employ some in-home caregivers to help out with your wife and give you a break. You deserve to have someone caring for you as well in your situation. Discreetly take a mistress. This may sound harsh, but it's not. You're doing right by your wife and are not abandoning her. She doesn't have to know but very well might be open-minded about such an arrangement and understand that although the two of you love each other, you don't live a married life. The two of you never lived one and your marriage has been a caregiver/patient relationship from the beginning. Your wife may well be very understanding about you having a life outside of being a caregiver. Of course with COVID going on that isn't possible right now. When the pandemic is over and people can safely interact with each other once again, you should start going out and socializing on your own.
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"...I quit my job to be here 24/7...I'm new to all this, I don't see it getting any easier, it's actually getting harder. ..." In my opinion, it was a mistake to quit your job. Your wife is only 69 years old. By enabling her to do nothing for herself, you are disabling her. Did she *ask* you to quit your job? Most men feel their most useful by bringing home the bacon.

Caregiving is not for everyone. Might it be possible for you to go back to your old company? Would you be able to hire a few hours of help for your wife at home? If not, I urge you to consider finding a job, getting out of the house, and re-establishing balance in your life. Sadly, many caregivers die before the ones for whom they are caring.

Your wife has serious illnesses, which are chronic. Certainly it is hard on you watching her decline in such a short time when you should be enjoying new-marital bliss. Unless you make some changes - and get your wife to take responsibility for her own health - you may be looking at caregiving for another 20+ years. Ask yourself if that's how you envisioned your life. Again, many caregivers die before the ones for whom they are caring. It's a real risk.
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Getting married late in life can be full of challenges.  It is at "this" age that things start to happen, if you know what I mean.  It's hard for someone to go into care giving mode after they have been married for 40 years...I can't imagine doing after only 6 months of marriage.  Oh dear.  I don't know what kind of care she needs, but can you get a part time job just to get out of the house and have some socialization?  Does she have adult children who can come in for a day or a few hours to give you a break?  I'm not sure what to tell you other than put the shoe on the other foot.  What if it were you that became ill after 6 months of marriage?  Would you want her to walk away or help you?  I understand your frustration and I think you know there is no easy answer here.  Make sure you are doing something for yourself every day...  that could mean taking a walk, or going for a drive, or hitting a coffee shop to meet a friend...whatever will bring you some joy.  Also, find some assistance with her care and that could be family, friends, a service, etc...
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Your dilemma is quite real. Not many who feel this way are willing to openly admit it. You don’t mention your respective ages or if there are adult children in the equation (I’m assuming your have no little ones). You also don’t say what her illness is. Is it a long term physical problem or a form of dementia? The lack of information makes it harder for you to get relevant responses. I do commend your candor.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2020
On his profile he states that his wife is 69. He also wrote: "double bypass surgery, has copd, congestive heart failure, severe lymphoedema, diabetes, and asthma. She takes lorazepam 3x daily for anxiety & carbodopa 2x daily for tremors"
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I know the feeling and I feel for you. I'm going down that road now.

You are burned out and it's understandable. You have to make a decision. Either you get someone to care for your wife or you put her in a long term facility.

You need a life too. You need to care for yourself, physically and mentally. You need to do what's best for your wife and yourself.
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Sle247365 Dec 2020
I worked in several nursing homes. I wouldn't CONDEMN my enemies to a place like that. Especially now when you can't even hug them! I promise you that when the family is not there OFTEN to oversee their care, they are neglected. I watched it and tried to stop it and was eventually asked to retire because I was making waves. "Nursing" and "Home" are not two words I could utter...
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All of us caring for ill spouses have been where you are, but it must be particularly difficult so early in your marriage. I have nearly 40 years of marriage and memories to sustain me now as my husband slips into Parkinsons. Your wife is very lucky to have you, as many would be looking for a way out about now. What has been important for me is to make sure that our loving relationship has moments outside of caregiving to keep it going - activities and interests you shared before her illness, date night activities, and the deep conversations that do not revolve around her illness. Remember together and honor your romantic relationship so that you don't lose it. Build it into your schedule if you can. Be sure to block out time for yourself as well and continue your own interests. It sounds as if your wife can be left alone some of the time,but if she can't you need to find respite care. It's harder to find support and resources now, but they are still there. Your church is a good place to start but you can also check with your wife's doctor about local contacts for resources. There are also some support groups online specifically for those of us caring for an ill spouse, rather than a parent. Well Spouse Association - Spousal Caregivers on Facebook is one. Good luck and God bless you.
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I totally agree with those who advise doing something to keep a life for yourself. For about 2.5 years, I cared for my husband (9 years older) who had multiple ailments plus early stage Alzheimer's. The only way I could stay sane through this was to have hired caregivers in every day. We have no relatives living anywhere near, so hands-on help from family wasn't possible. It was especially important to have someone to take charge overnight, so I could get a good night's sleep. Usually I had someone there for 6 hours or so during the daytime, so I could get away for a bit and get grocery shopping done. It was horrendously expensive to have the caregivers, some from agencies and some independently. It used up a huge chunk of savings, but well worth it for me. We had some financial assistance from a county elder care program, plus 13 hrs./week covered by the Veterans Administration because he had served in the Air Force years ago. This summer, his condition deteriorated to where I thought it necessary to keep him in the nursing home, where he was sent after a 4-day hospital stay. Now I'm adjusting to living alone again, as I did before getting married. It's also tough not being able to visit him in the NH due to Covid-19 restrictions, but we stay in touch by phone and an occasional video/zoom visit. Now going through the mess of getting qualified/applying for Medicaid, but that's a whole other story.

I admire your dedication in trying to do it all, and not at all surprised you are feeling frustrated and lost. Please, for the sake of your own health and sanity, get someone to help with her care. I find it hard to imaging getting by with just 3 hours a day of respite as someone suggested. And sleep is essential to maintaining your own health, it's not good to short yourself on that.

Best of wishes to you.
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