My son has become a totally different person towards me in the last 4 years. His friends share that personality change about him with me as well. No love or caring that we once shared. I don’t know why, he won’t talk. His girlfriend doesn’t even speak to me, which is very upsetting and cold. My son and my granddaughter’s mom are not married.
I have cancer, and not once have either asked or shown concern for my health. It’s really upsetting. My closest friends who have known my son since he was a child can’t believe how he treats me.
I own my home, which is a duplex. This situation started when my son started to hate his job in Santa Barbara and complained constantly for two years. He had a great paying job there for about 11 years.
We came to an agreement because of the distress with his job and the baby, that they could move into my duplex with a reduced rent rate ($600) until they got on their feet again, He took a year off to play with his baby, then both started working after that year. I babysat for free for a solid year, 12 to 16 hours a day.
It has been 3 years now, and I can’t afford to keep all this up. I am going broke and I am extremely tired.
Every time I try to speak to my son about raising the rent, he grabs my granddaughter and says fine, we’ll move and you’ll never see the baby again.
He’s upset me so many times and with my would be daughter-in-law not speaking to me, the only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by.
It’s gotten so bad, that I don’t want to give my son anything when I die. I’d like to set up a trust or something to give to my granddaughter, but she is only 4 years old. How do I even know how she will be when she gets older. Will they turn her against me as well?
I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of my will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?
You are not obligated to leave financial rewards to any relative, especially ungrateful ones. There are plenty of charities that could benefit from your generosity including addiction, animals, children, specific diseases and generational categories.
I will tell you that my SIL cut her son from her will when she could take no more. Not an identical situation to yours, but she was forever helping him financially and he treated her with little respect and zero appreciation. She was in her 70s when he pulled a stunt no one saw coming or would even have expected him to. For my SIL, it was the last straw and she quietly cut him from the will. She continued to help him but it was limited and with time constraints attached.
She died a couple years later. My nephew, to this day, doesn't know he'd been cut. There was life insurance policy that my niece decided to share with him, told him that was all there was left.
No one should use a will as a weapon, but for someone who is really at the end of their rope with no change in sight....And no one has to know,
I wonder, though, if you've fleshed out POA and other such things yet? Your son would naturally be curious about those details come the time.
So...it seems there are multiple levels to consider.
Second, if it was me, I'd put a set amount into a custodial investment account for your granddaughter, set an age at which she can inherit it (I'd suggest 25 at the earliest), then set up the rest of your estate to benefit YOU, because you're still here and need to have the freedom to use your money.
Several years back my dad put $5k worth of stock in custodial accounts for each of his grandchildren. My niece is the only one who's still underage, but that account is now up to $22,000 and has doubled in just the 3 1/2 years since I took over as custodian.
That's plenty of money for a 21-year-old to get, in my opinion. You don't owe her your entire estate, that's for sure, and honestly, it's not a good idea to drop a ton of money and assets in the lap of young person. When that young person hasn't got the best role models for parents, that's also just a disaster waiting to happen. My niece ia really smart girl who'll be gratuating from college next year, but her other [very wealthy] grandparents have so completely spoiled her that now she's talking about working for a non-profit because "trust fund babies don't need to support themselves." WHAAAT?
You definitely need to get your son to pay market rent or evict him ASAP. You're sitting on a piece of valuable income property, and you need that money to be coming in. I live in OC, and you should be getting at least $2500/month each for your units, or even more depending on where you are.
I would like to think about the often-held belief that all children should always inherit. I do not hold that belief at all. My mother and I had no real relationship for the first 50 years of my life. She and my father resented me as a baby and a child. It was not until I was in my 50's that, with the help of several therapists I decided to look into getting reacquainted with my family as adults, to see if my sibs and I could put away the hurtful childhood relationships and explore new ones based on who we had become, rather than who we had been as children.
That worked as well as it could have. I do have some sense of belonging with some of my sisters. My mother and I never got much past a tenuous adult friendship of sorts. I helped with her care, though I spent almost no time in her house (that was more than I could bear). Instead I took her to lunch, ran errands, things to help my sisters, who managed all the real care-giving.
Now to the point: I did not want anything from her. During the years when it might have mattered, she gave me nothing beyond what was legally required. I never had more than 3 dresses to wear to school, my shoes were lined with cardboard when the soles wore out. You get the picture. Mom left a will that left everything (almost nothing, really) to be divided equally. I thought that was hypocrisy. It was also vastly unfair. The two sisters who did the most for Mom in her last 5 years got nothing extra. They not only gave Mom huge amounts of time and energy, they also bought things for her. When she did not want to spend the money on grab bars, my sisters bought and installed them for her. Same with the shower chair and a lot of other things. My brother did absolutely nothing for Mom. Another sister lived several hours away and called Mom every day, but did nothing in person. The two who stood by Mom should have split the remainders between them.
The two of them also did nearly all the work of clearing Mom's house after her death. I encouraged them to take anything and everything that had any meaning to them. Obviously, Mom meant far more to them than to the rest of us. The things I chose to take fit in a small grocery bag. The 3 of us that did so little did not really have the same feelings for Mom that the two who worked so hard for her. They deserved what little Mom had of value because it would mean something to them. Those of us who did little would not have had the same feelings of attachment for these things.
In the end, it is the attachments, the relationships that matter. The things we inherit are worthless and meaningless if there is no attachment, no love involved. If your son has no real attachments to you, leave everything to your granddaughter, contingent upon there being a relationship there. If there is to be no relationship, I would give it to some other person or institution where there is a relationship, where there will be someone who will remember you and your gifts. I believe that this may give you a sense of continuity and purpose in your life and in your eventual death. You deserve to spend your thoughts, your time, and your worldly goods with those who feel a kinship with you, even if that is a kinship of friendship or common goals rather than a blood relationship.
If you decide to make some financial provisions for your granddaughter, make that part of the new will and be very specific. She could someday need help creating a better emotional life for herself than she may have with your son and his partner.
As to the rental, you can be sure your son will continue to use your granddaughter as a weapon, whether you raise the rent or not. He'll find new opportunities, so make the best financial decision for yourself. Get counseling for yourself now.
Her first is herself and handling this chemo crisis and probable aide care. Sh
My DH and I met in the military and never had children. We've always had wills and thought the fairest way to pass on our estate would be 50-50 to each side of our family, since both sides are small, 2 siblings on my side and 2 nieces on his side, pretty simple. In 2007 we decided to do a family Trust listing one brother and one niece as successor trustees. There is a long history of toxic dysfunction in my family. DH came from a lovely normal family. An incident in 2019 was the final straw (which I won't go into here), so we changed our Trust. We have a percentage going to our favorite charities and the rest goes to the 2 nieces who have always treated us decently and appreciate our generosity.
My 2 siblings get nothing; they have no idea what our net worth is anyway. I did let the one brother know he was removed as Trustee, then severed all ties. Removing toxic people from my life has helped me feel better.
Protect yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of YOUR needs.
Karma has no menu. They will get served what they deserve.
As a heads up, it is quite possible that even if you didn't raise any issues with your son, his mindset is one where he may cut ties. Estrangement happens, often for no reason at all. You could do everything right and he could still become estranged, sadly.
Chose your executor of your will wisely - lawyer can advise...also have a durable power of attorney for healthcare drawn up and chose wisely...it does not have to be a family member (your lawyer will advise).
If this is all on the level, perhaps what it shows is that family dynamics can change quickly in a major way. Spending a lot of money on long term legal arrangements can be a waste of time. Is sister still resident? Is the cancer terminal? Why have relationships broken down, and can they be mended? Is there a real need to set this all up now?
My own DH and I have been going through the ‘will and broken daughter relationship’ trial ourselves. My father cut all three children out of his last of many, many wills in favor of the latest flatterer, and after 20 years it’s still hard to forget. I’d prefer not to leave that memory to my daughters. We’ve decided a) to do now short term wills based on the current situation if either or both of us dies unpredictably (eg in an accident), and to do another will when the many variables have settled a bit; and b) to vary the amounts substantially by leaving a uniform financial legacy to each individual, with other assets of varying value to those involved.
We have also decided to nominate relations we trust as residuary legatees, with an accompanying letter requesting them to donate to charities. I have a vivid memory of a post some time ago, where the wealthy parents had set up a charity legatee, and the lawyers for the charity had been very intrusive about any spending on the parents that the adult children wanted taken from the trust (eg a cruise similar to their normal lifestyle). You never know who you might be dealing with!
It’s interesting to read other people’s reactions to difficult relationships and situations. Thanks to all.
It's the overall condescending tone of the post, the victim playing, and going on about how much the OP did for her son. That was the giveaway to me of a person who lords it over their child. Then the threat to put the property and whatever else into a trust for the grandchild cutting the son out.
That's not love or generosity to be that way to your kids. That's 'while you please me, I love you. If you displease me in any way, I don't. That's conditional "love". It's really dysfunctional toxic emotional abuse.
"The only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by".
That alone is enough for me to ask, what is the son chopped liver?
Come on.
I believe the relationship between the OP and her son will improve greatly if they sit down and she really listens because it will. It will also improve by being honest and taking some of the responsibility for why the relationship is so bad.
There's a wise saying. I think it is by Oscar Wilde.
'Children start off loving their parents. Then they judge them, and rarely if ever, do the forgive them'.
When people are honest with each other and with themselves there can be forgiveness and love and mended relationships. Not if they aren't though.
Not sure what type of cancer you have or what your prognosis is, but if you have limited time left or think you may need some assistance in the near future, having your son and his family right next door might be a blessing. Just food for thought. If he does move out and they take your grandchild to daycare, there may not be much time to visit you even if they wanted to. I know during those busy years of having a young child and working full time, it was exhausting and there was never enough hours in the day.
I guess if I were you I would be asking myself which is more important....getting more rent money from complete strangers or having my son and granddaughter close by so that I can see them often. My mind doesn't immediately go to "I need to cut my son out of my will because I don't like how he is acting".
One way to go about breaking the apron string of regrets is to tell them you need to sell the duplex. Tell them you can no longer afford this home and need to sell it. Then, do so. Move into a nice little place you can enjoy. Fill your life with younger people who can be as "children" and "grandchildren" to you.
Change your will to whatever makes you feel like you are helping others with whatever belongings are left after you pass.
Id just tell the son that the way it is, is that while she really wants granddaughter there, she really does need the income given her health crisis.
You cannot afford to carry them financially.
Wait 6 mos., and decide later. Give him an extension on raising the rent, and take the heat off your relationship. Your situation requires grace.
For 6 mos., you can have your grand-daughter near you. You do not have to be her baby-sitter, or maybe get some boundaries concerning time spent.
In the meantime, can you get some therapy, not because you don't have a legitimate issue with your son, but because the last two years have been horrible for many people, and you could probably use some assistance weighing the positives and negatives of having family nearby.
Can you take some of the money to be used for a trust for your grand-daughter's future, and provide her the stability of 1) being near her grandmother; 2) having a secure home; 3) bringing you the only joy you ever have having her nearby; and 4) not making any major changes while you are battling cancer?
That way, there may not be any inheritance left if you spend it now, the result would be no inheritance for your son anyway. No need to spend money on an attorney to draw up a trust and cut him out of the will. (I have not read any of the other answers).
Try to enjoy the next 6 mos. and have a better quality of life than if your son is forced out and the family is fractured. Do not discuss this plan with your son, simply take the increase in rent off the table and invite the 3 of them to stay.
Extra grace required. 🌹💔🌹
So sorry that you have cancer. My suggestions are meant to help you survive this difficult time.
P.S.
I could not find any updated posts by Peggy Kimber. Had I known this, I would not have posted at all.