My son has become a totally different person towards me in the last 4 years. His friends share that personality change about him with me as well. No love or caring that we once shared. I don’t know why, he won’t talk. His girlfriend doesn’t even speak to me, which is very upsetting and cold. My son and my granddaughter’s mom are not married.
I have cancer, and not once have either asked or shown concern for my health. It’s really upsetting. My closest friends who have known my son since he was a child can’t believe how he treats me.
I own my home, which is a duplex. This situation started when my son started to hate his job in Santa Barbara and complained constantly for two years. He had a great paying job there for about 11 years.
We came to an agreement because of the distress with his job and the baby, that they could move into my duplex with a reduced rent rate ($600) until they got on their feet again, He took a year off to play with his baby, then both started working after that year. I babysat for free for a solid year, 12 to 16 hours a day.
It has been 3 years now, and I can’t afford to keep all this up. I am going broke and I am extremely tired.
Every time I try to speak to my son about raising the rent, he grabs my granddaughter and says fine, we’ll move and you’ll never see the baby again.
He’s upset me so many times and with my would be daughter-in-law not speaking to me, the only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by.
It’s gotten so bad, that I don’t want to give my son anything when I die. I’d like to set up a trust or something to give to my granddaughter, but she is only 4 years old. How do I even know how she will be when she gets older. Will they turn her against me as well?
I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of my will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?
You cannot afford to carry them financially.
Wait 6 mos., and decide later. Give him an extension on raising the rent, and take the heat off your relationship. Your situation requires grace.
For 6 mos., you can have your grand-daughter near you. You do not have to be her baby-sitter, or maybe get some boundaries concerning time spent.
In the meantime, can you get some therapy, not because you don't have a legitimate issue with your son, but because the last two years have been horrible for many people, and you could probably use some assistance weighing the positives and negatives of having family nearby.
Can you take some of the money to be used for a trust for your grand-daughter's future, and provide her the stability of 1) being near her grandmother; 2) having a secure home; 3) bringing you the only joy you ever have having her nearby; and 4) not making any major changes while you are battling cancer?
That way, there may not be any inheritance left if you spend it now, the result would be no inheritance for your son anyway. No need to spend money on an attorney to draw up a trust and cut him out of the will. (I have not read any of the other answers).
Try to enjoy the next 6 mos. and have a better quality of life than if your son is forced out and the family is fractured. Do not discuss this plan with your son, simply take the increase in rent off the table and invite the 3 of them to stay.
Extra grace required. 🌹💔🌹
So sorry that you have cancer. My suggestions are meant to help you survive this difficult time.
P.S.
I could not find any updated posts by Peggy Kimber. Had I known this, I would not have posted at all.
One way to go about breaking the apron string of regrets is to tell them you need to sell the duplex. Tell them you can no longer afford this home and need to sell it. Then, do so. Move into a nice little place you can enjoy. Fill your life with younger people who can be as "children" and "grandchildren" to you.
Change your will to whatever makes you feel like you are helping others with whatever belongings are left after you pass.
Id just tell the son that the way it is, is that while she really wants granddaughter there, she really does need the income given her health crisis.
Not sure what type of cancer you have or what your prognosis is, but if you have limited time left or think you may need some assistance in the near future, having your son and his family right next door might be a blessing. Just food for thought. If he does move out and they take your grandchild to daycare, there may not be much time to visit you even if they wanted to. I know during those busy years of having a young child and working full time, it was exhausting and there was never enough hours in the day.
I guess if I were you I would be asking myself which is more important....getting more rent money from complete strangers or having my son and granddaughter close by so that I can see them often. My mind doesn't immediately go to "I need to cut my son out of my will because I don't like how he is acting".
It's the overall condescending tone of the post, the victim playing, and going on about how much the OP did for her son. That was the giveaway to me of a person who lords it over their child. Then the threat to put the property and whatever else into a trust for the grandchild cutting the son out.
That's not love or generosity to be that way to your kids. That's 'while you please me, I love you. If you displease me in any way, I don't. That's conditional "love". It's really dysfunctional toxic emotional abuse.
"The only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by".
That alone is enough for me to ask, what is the son chopped liver?
Come on.
I believe the relationship between the OP and her son will improve greatly if they sit down and she really listens because it will. It will also improve by being honest and taking some of the responsibility for why the relationship is so bad.
There's a wise saying. I think it is by Oscar Wilde.
'Children start off loving their parents. Then they judge them, and rarely if ever, do the forgive them'.
When people are honest with each other and with themselves there can be forgiveness and love and mended relationships. Not if they aren't though.
If this is all on the level, perhaps what it shows is that family dynamics can change quickly in a major way. Spending a lot of money on long term legal arrangements can be a waste of time. Is sister still resident? Is the cancer terminal? Why have relationships broken down, and can they be mended? Is there a real need to set this all up now?
My own DH and I have been going through the ‘will and broken daughter relationship’ trial ourselves. My father cut all three children out of his last of many, many wills in favor of the latest flatterer, and after 20 years it’s still hard to forget. I’d prefer not to leave that memory to my daughters. We’ve decided a) to do now short term wills based on the current situation if either or both of us dies unpredictably (eg in an accident), and to do another will when the many variables have settled a bit; and b) to vary the amounts substantially by leaving a uniform financial legacy to each individual, with other assets of varying value to those involved.
We have also decided to nominate relations we trust as residuary legatees, with an accompanying letter requesting them to donate to charities. I have a vivid memory of a post some time ago, where the wealthy parents had set up a charity legatee, and the lawyers for the charity had been very intrusive about any spending on the parents that the adult children wanted taken from the trust (eg a cruise similar to their normal lifestyle). You never know who you might be dealing with!
It’s interesting to read other people’s reactions to difficult relationships and situations. Thanks to all.
As a heads up, it is quite possible that even if you didn't raise any issues with your son, his mindset is one where he may cut ties. Estrangement happens, often for no reason at all. You could do everything right and he could still become estranged, sadly.
Chose your executor of your will wisely - lawyer can advise...also have a durable power of attorney for healthcare drawn up and chose wisely...it does not have to be a family member (your lawyer will advise).
My DH and I met in the military and never had children. We've always had wills and thought the fairest way to pass on our estate would be 50-50 to each side of our family, since both sides are small, 2 siblings on my side and 2 nieces on his side, pretty simple. In 2007 we decided to do a family Trust listing one brother and one niece as successor trustees. There is a long history of toxic dysfunction in my family. DH came from a lovely normal family. An incident in 2019 was the final straw (which I won't go into here), so we changed our Trust. We have a percentage going to our favorite charities and the rest goes to the 2 nieces who have always treated us decently and appreciate our generosity.
My 2 siblings get nothing; they have no idea what our net worth is anyway. I did let the one brother know he was removed as Trustee, then severed all ties. Removing toxic people from my life has helped me feel better.
Protect yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of YOUR needs.
Karma has no menu. They will get served what they deserve.
If you decide to make some financial provisions for your granddaughter, make that part of the new will and be very specific. She could someday need help creating a better emotional life for herself than she may have with your son and his partner.
As to the rental, you can be sure your son will continue to use your granddaughter as a weapon, whether you raise the rent or not. He'll find new opportunities, so make the best financial decision for yourself. Get counseling for yourself now.
Her first is herself and handling this chemo crisis and probable aide care. Sh
I would like to think about the often-held belief that all children should always inherit. I do not hold that belief at all. My mother and I had no real relationship for the first 50 years of my life. She and my father resented me as a baby and a child. It was not until I was in my 50's that, with the help of several therapists I decided to look into getting reacquainted with my family as adults, to see if my sibs and I could put away the hurtful childhood relationships and explore new ones based on who we had become, rather than who we had been as children.
That worked as well as it could have. I do have some sense of belonging with some of my sisters. My mother and I never got much past a tenuous adult friendship of sorts. I helped with her care, though I spent almost no time in her house (that was more than I could bear). Instead I took her to lunch, ran errands, things to help my sisters, who managed all the real care-giving.
Now to the point: I did not want anything from her. During the years when it might have mattered, she gave me nothing beyond what was legally required. I never had more than 3 dresses to wear to school, my shoes were lined with cardboard when the soles wore out. You get the picture. Mom left a will that left everything (almost nothing, really) to be divided equally. I thought that was hypocrisy. It was also vastly unfair. The two sisters who did the most for Mom in her last 5 years got nothing extra. They not only gave Mom huge amounts of time and energy, they also bought things for her. When she did not want to spend the money on grab bars, my sisters bought and installed them for her. Same with the shower chair and a lot of other things. My brother did absolutely nothing for Mom. Another sister lived several hours away and called Mom every day, but did nothing in person. The two who stood by Mom should have split the remainders between them.
The two of them also did nearly all the work of clearing Mom's house after her death. I encouraged them to take anything and everything that had any meaning to them. Obviously, Mom meant far more to them than to the rest of us. The things I chose to take fit in a small grocery bag. The 3 of us that did so little did not really have the same feelings for Mom that the two who worked so hard for her. They deserved what little Mom had of value because it would mean something to them. Those of us who did little would not have had the same feelings of attachment for these things.
In the end, it is the attachments, the relationships that matter. The things we inherit are worthless and meaningless if there is no attachment, no love involved. If your son has no real attachments to you, leave everything to your granddaughter, contingent upon there being a relationship there. If there is to be no relationship, I would give it to some other person or institution where there is a relationship, where there will be someone who will remember you and your gifts. I believe that this may give you a sense of continuity and purpose in your life and in your eventual death. You deserve to spend your thoughts, your time, and your worldly goods with those who feel a kinship with you, even if that is a kinship of friendship or common goals rather than a blood relationship.
Second, if it was me, I'd put a set amount into a custodial investment account for your granddaughter, set an age at which she can inherit it (I'd suggest 25 at the earliest), then set up the rest of your estate to benefit YOU, because you're still here and need to have the freedom to use your money.
Several years back my dad put $5k worth of stock in custodial accounts for each of his grandchildren. My niece is the only one who's still underage, but that account is now up to $22,000 and has doubled in just the 3 1/2 years since I took over as custodian.
That's plenty of money for a 21-year-old to get, in my opinion. You don't owe her your entire estate, that's for sure, and honestly, it's not a good idea to drop a ton of money and assets in the lap of young person. When that young person hasn't got the best role models for parents, that's also just a disaster waiting to happen. My niece ia really smart girl who'll be gratuating from college next year, but her other [very wealthy] grandparents have so completely spoiled her that now she's talking about working for a non-profit because "trust fund babies don't need to support themselves." WHAAAT?
You definitely need to get your son to pay market rent or evict him ASAP. You're sitting on a piece of valuable income property, and you need that money to be coming in. I live in OC, and you should be getting at least $2500/month each for your units, or even more depending on where you are.
I will tell you that my SIL cut her son from her will when she could take no more. Not an identical situation to yours, but she was forever helping him financially and he treated her with little respect and zero appreciation. She was in her 70s when he pulled a stunt no one saw coming or would even have expected him to. For my SIL, it was the last straw and she quietly cut him from the will. She continued to help him but it was limited and with time constraints attached.
She died a couple years later. My nephew, to this day, doesn't know he'd been cut. There was life insurance policy that my niece decided to share with him, told him that was all there was left.
No one should use a will as a weapon, but for someone who is really at the end of their rope with no change in sight....And no one has to know,
I wonder, though, if you've fleshed out POA and other such things yet? Your son would naturally be curious about those details come the time.
So...it seems there are multiple levels to consider.
You are not obligated to leave financial rewards to any relative, especially ungrateful ones. There are plenty of charities that could benefit from your generosity including addiction, animals, children, specific diseases and generational categories.
Talk to a lawyer about getting a a trust to settle on your granddaughter when she is of age. Do not discuss it with your son. Do not discuss your estate with him at all. I have mad manipulative people in my family who have held a potential estate over my head as a way of trying to control my actions.
Here in BC there are limits on how much rent can be raised. Find out if there are any such limits in Santa Barbara and start charging them. If there are no rent increase restrictions, talk to a property management company to find out what market rent is. Explain the situation and ask them to take over as the property managers at fair market value. They will handle a new rental agreement and yes, they will charge a percentage, but you will net more each month.
You can explain to your son that you have three options to meet you bills, they pay market rent, your evict them and rent to someone who will pay it, or you sell and move into an independent living.
You have cancer, you do not need all this stress.
Whatever op wills is not the immediate problem. The immediate problem is that they’re all now living there for less than a round table pizza per day and reproducing there and expecting op to also do free child care while she has cancer.
2. Talk with an estate attorney to set up a trustee other than your son if that's what you really want. Why penalize your granddaughter by worrying what she will be like in the future, you can't control what kind of person she will become.
3. you may consider getting counseling for yourself.
4. Since you are worried about finances see someone to help you develop a budget [or do it yourself]
5. If you are worn out take some time for yourself.
You are the only one who can decide what to do about dealing with your son and granddaughter - what would you do in your son carries out his threat to move away with his daughter?
If you were able to set up a trust that looks something like this it might accomplish both of the things you want to and perhaps include your rent issue. It would have to allow for your use of funds should you need them of course. Find the fair market rent of your sons part of the duplex and set that as his rent, which he would pay either to you until you pass or the trust if you elect to move everything into itenow (then the trust would pay the bills) then upon his passing either the estate or the trust would go to your grandchildren either at that time or at a set age. Someone would have to be paid to manage the property as your half would then be rented and upkeep overseen but this could be done by a family member, you son for instance or even your granddaughter as long as they were approved by the administers of the trust and doing a good job so all over seen by the Administrators.
By establishing the going rate for rent now and leaving it at that rate for your son as long as he is alive, if you choose to do that, you would effectively be giving him a rent controlled home for the rest of his life rather than feeling you left him out of your will and trust and protecting him from himself. If the increase feels too high and shocking to you then come up with a yearly increase until it reaches that amount. You know he is capable of earning a good income, supporting himself and this does force him into doing that one way or the other, he can choose not to live there and move in which case you would rent his half but he would still be able to move back in at the established rate should he choose. You are also leaving the trust or the estate to your grandchildren, making sure their father is taken care of but that the bulk passes on to them. Basically taking care of your son for the rest of his life but not giving him anything, instead giving it to his children.
Your son and his partner can threaten all they want to move your granddaughter away trying to manipulate you but when it comes rite down to it they will really need to consider the expense and loss of convenience they will suffer loosing the free childcare they now enjoy. Cutting your son out completely, though you wouldn’t have to tell him I suppose and formally raising the rent might piss him off enough to increase the likelihood they move. Giving him the permanent ability to live there and taking care of his children might tame that down a bit. Whatever you do you have to be prepared and willing to have them move and loose access to your granddaughter at least for a while but letting them hold you hostage using her as a tool isn’t good for you or your granddaughter now or in the future. Finding a good estate attorney that you feel comfortable with is key here, they can take your basic framework, ask questions, give you options and guide to the best way to accomplish this. They should be able to at least help take care of the current rent/lease problem too. My thoughts are with you as you battle your Cancer and try to resolve your family dilemma two emotionally and physically exhausting feats at the same time.
FYI: We have a trust (and a will). The Trust CANNOT be contested. I did leave my son in the trust and will, with him receiving less than he would, had he stayed in our lives. My husband and I put the grandkids in the trust, but to receive payouts when they are way beyond college years. Since I don't know them, I do not want to foot the bill for their education.
I have left my son as the first trustee (after my husband). Our original trust was done shortly after they married, and since then we have changed the designations considerably. New trust documents were put in the mail to him a couple days ago, so we'll see how that goes. He may refuse to have any part in either the financial or medical portions of our trust document.
I can only imagine how hard it will be for you if your son and his girlfriend decide to keep your granddaughter out of your life. You can fight in court for grandparents rights. I cannot do that because I have never seen them.
Good luck to you.
This isn’t Peggys child. The only reason she should be putting in 15,16 hours a day babysitting is if she had guardianship. She’s doing all these hours plus providing lodging for these ingrates, which does nothing but increase their incentive to have more babies that she’ll be blackmailed into taking care of, including staying there and not taking care of her.
PeggyKimber, you’re familiar with the er dump routine. Theoretically they could claim unsafe discharge so you couldn’t come home from a few days of chemo with hospital delirium, because it wouldn’t be good for the baby. And in fact if your adls decline, they could find a way to dump you for the baby or any new ones they have.
You need full rental income so that you yourself can provide for your own home care needs. If son can’t provide that, they can go to places where 600 is actually the market rent.
There are a good many posts on this forum exactly like yours.
You say that your closest friends can't believe how he treats you, and that is probably true. But what I think, and I'm rarely wrong about such things, is they never saw the gaslighting that you almost certainly have practiced on him for a very long time.
Yes, you gave your son a reduced rent. You babysat for your granddaughter. How much did you lord this over your son? Judging by what you've said here, my guess is a lot.
Just the fact that you felt the need to make sure everyone here on this forum and there are readers from all over the world, know that your son and his child's mother aren't married is a pretty good indicator to me of exactly the kind of person and parent you are.
You want to know what you should do? Well, I'll tell you then.
Go sit down with your son. Let him talk. YOU listen. Then no more talk about cutting him out of your will and trust. No more lording it over him how much you do for him and his family. Stop playing the victim too. Try showing your son a little bit of respect and stop cutting him down with all you do for him and let him have some self-respect. You do this and I guarantee you will see a great change in your son and a tremendous improvement in your relationship with him, his lady, and your grandchild.
My Mother disinherited the entire family and left everything to my daughter bc she says my daughter called her once when no one else did.
My mother is 80 with Parkinson’s and has borderline personality and lives with my quadriplegic 46 year old sister. They both are compulsive hoarders and spenders and blame everyone else for what they do. There will be nothing left when they die, more then likely they’ll be homeless but now they have alienated my daughter and that was by design. That’s also what my grandmother did, pick and choose favorites but the truth was they were emotionally broken.
When I hear folks using their money to control or manipulate their family it’s just maddening. No one cares or wants my mothers money, we’d all be happy with some peace and quiet. We are not a significant other that has to constantly call her at a certain time to prove we care, we are all exhausted and over it.
I relocated 3 hours to help them both just to see my mother uses and manipulates people in the most ruthless way, nothing she said was the truth. Not a Christian bone in her body even tho she quotes scripture all day.
Money is power, you can tell a lot about a person by how they weld power over some one or attempt to. Doesn’t appear your kids are particularly shocked by the move.