My son has become a totally different person towards me in the last 4 years. His friends share that personality change about him with me as well. No love or caring that we once shared. I don’t know why, he won’t talk. His girlfriend doesn’t even speak to me, which is very upsetting and cold. My son and my granddaughter’s mom are not married.
I have cancer, and not once have either asked or shown concern for my health. It’s really upsetting. My closest friends who have known my son since he was a child can’t believe how he treats me.
I own my home, which is a duplex. This situation started when my son started to hate his job in Santa Barbara and complained constantly for two years. He had a great paying job there for about 11 years.
We came to an agreement because of the distress with his job and the baby, that they could move into my duplex with a reduced rent rate ($600) until they got on their feet again, He took a year off to play with his baby, then both started working after that year. I babysat for free for a solid year, 12 to 16 hours a day.
It has been 3 years now, and I can’t afford to keep all this up. I am going broke and I am extremely tired.
Every time I try to speak to my son about raising the rent, he grabs my granddaughter and says fine, we’ll move and you’ll never see the baby again.
He’s upset me so many times and with my would be daughter-in-law not speaking to me, the only joy I have is having my granddaughter close by.
It’s gotten so bad, that I don’t want to give my son anything when I die. I’d like to set up a trust or something to give to my granddaughter, but she is only 4 years old. How do I even know how she will be when she gets older. Will they turn her against me as well?
I hate to be a mother who cuts her only son out of my will and trust, but it’s been horrible. What should I do?
Nothing will change if you don’t do something. I would not tell your son of the trust at this time because he may not be an ethical person and the beneficiary of that trust who is currently in his care doesn’t need to have that extra burden of his poison.
I am of the firm belief that we teach people how to treat us. Co-dependency and dependency counseling helps to set boundaries, but prayer and godly counsel was the foundation.
You may be surprised on how he will react when the boundaries and clearly defined lines are stated and enforced. Expect a temper-tantrum; expect pressure but stay firm for the long haul.
The will or trust can be amended if he comes around. It’s not that hard. It is just an amendment. Be sure to tell the elder attorney that may happen so he/she can be aware of your flexibility.
:)
There is a lot of missing info in your post but on the surface as you state it, I would say it's clear that there is much more to this story. Your profile states that you are living with - and taking care of - your elderly sister, and that her children are angry with you. Your son and his significant other are also angry with you. Perhaps the two issues are connected?
Do take some time for self refection and think about what might be your part in your son's change of heart. Until all the facts are clearly laid out, it's impossible to give solid advice to you. Your goal must be to reconcile with your family and not to use your assets as punishment because that serves no good purpose. Life is short - I truly wish you the best.
Is there a post I'm missing? Because in this profile, you are mad because your sister's children won't help.
You praise your son, but now things are different. Is this a sudden change?
Skip your son. Have your Estate Planner or whoever is doing the Will place money in a TRUST for your granddaughter. It should be accessible to her when she reaches the age of _______. You pick the age it could be 18, or when she enters college, it could be 21 so it can be used when she is done with school, it could be when she reaches the age of 30. YOU pick the age.
Doing this he really can not contest the Will.
Now for the Duplex.
Get a FORMAL, LEGAL rental agreement.
Charge FAIR rent for the space they are renting.
You owe them no explanation. This is a BUSINESS agreement.
If he wants or needs a reduction in rent he can do work around the home. Both his rental and your residence and you can pay him by reducing the rent for that month. (If you get an estimate on fixing a fence and it is $1000. and his rent is $1500 for the month he would pay you $500. You and he sign a statement that work was done and payment for that month is satisfied)
If renting for FAIR rent is not something he wants to do or can do then give them notice and you can put the place up for rent. If they refuse to move out then you will have to go the Eviction route and that may take a while.
Show proof get the monthly bills- heating etc. and prove the need to raise the rent.
Ask him why he treats you poorly, you only ever have one family time for the truth to be out.There are always two sides to every story.
As for the estate, I understand your position from a different viewpoint and fully support your decisions, whatever they may be.
I was Executor and Trustee for my parents’ estates. They made the (initially) painful decision to cut several of their children out of their estates.
My parents were wonderful people. These siblings created contentious relationships with and were terrible to my parents for their own different reasons. They always expected an equal share of my parents’ estates with no repercussions for their bad acts.
As my parents became older and grew less healthy, the treatment got progressively worse. (It was horrendous). They didn’t want my parents to have access to comforts of living or the best medical care because that could diminish the value of their future inheritance.
When my parents died and they learned they had been excluded, they vigorously sued me, as my parents’ legal representative.
I believe my parents made the ABSOLUTE right choice. If I didn’t understand the ugliness of my siblings at that time my parents made these choices, I learned to! They certainly transformed into serpents and Medusas when they didn’t get what they wanted and they came after me. I defended everything in court for my parents and prevailed after a number of years.
The truth is your money and things are just “stuff.” They are important to you and will be appreciated wherever they are given, but it is your stuff and you can give it wherever you choose and for whatever reason you want, justified by others or not!
Get a great lawyer in a well respected law firm. Give your estate to whomever you wish, charity, friends… your pick. Make sure that a doctor that has treated you and knows you well examines you for mental capacity concurrent with the changes to your will (because this is a common legal attack on estates even if you have always been mentally sound). Tell the doctor that this is why you are making the appointment. Create extra supplemental evidence (such as a video, that you create on your own phone yourself, explaining your choices. - this video will also support that you are of sound mind - make sure your lawyer and your future executor have a copy).
Once everything is signed, rest easy! Do not feel guilty. It is your stuff. He has no birthright to it!
This was my parents’ last lesson to their ungrateful kids and a positive lesson to the world and their community.
Know that you are not alone!
What is worse is that your grandson was deprived of his family for so long.
Holding the grandchild over your head as a threat for not wanting to pay a higher rent while YOU are going broke is unspeakable. If you sell the place, then he has NO other choice but to move along and go find other housing where he will be charged REAL rental rates. Hopefully, you will make a lot of profit off the sale of the duplex and be able to move to senior Independent Living and start a whole new life. If nasty son withholds your grandchild from you, you can't change his decision on that matter. I hope he doesn't do that, b/c it would be hurtful to ALL of you, including HIM, in the long run.
If you don't want to sell, have them evicted legally. Your son & his gf have ALREADY ruined the relationship, so all you're doing is trying to get them out of there so you can stop the bleeding on your finances.
Go see a Certified Elder Care Attorney about drawing up your will and leaving your money to whomever you want to leave it to. Maybe you can set up a college fund ONLY for your granddaughter, and leave the rest to the Dumb Friends League or something. Get advice, also, about serving your son with a legal eviction notice, etc. It's sad that things should come down to this, huh? Maybe he's having a mid-life crisis or taking drugs? Or else the almighty dollar has ruined HIM as it has so many other people. When it comes to money, people can be ruthless, it seems to me.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate
Get a lease made up by a lawyer stating what the rent will be and the cost of utilities. (If ur on one meter average the cost) Make the lease a month by month. Send it to son certified mail with a letter to the effect you no longer can carry him that he needs to pay you a fair rent and utilities. Call his bluff. Look around at rentals to get an idea what he would need to pay if he left then charge him lower, but enough to offset ur costs. Tell him if he does not pay the rent, he will need to leave or you will evict. When he finds that what your asking is much lower than he would pay leaving, he probably will stay. He needs u more than you need him.
Since you have been charging him a minimum rent, u may want to ask the lawyer how much you can raise it. Some states have where u can only increase a certain percentage a year. If he cries poor, tell him to put GF to work if she isn't already. If u can, offer to babysit as long as they live there. (A little minipulation on ur part)
You are doing you son no favors. Our world is not getting better. Your son and his GF (she is not ur DIL) need to grow up because I see lots if challenges for my kids and grands in the next years. Don't let them manipulate you. Yes he will get mad, let him. He will find out what it means to be on ur own. We seem to be the only species who finds it hard to push their offspring out of the nest.
You deserve respect and I would not do another thing for your son until you get it. I know times have changed but he is living off you, had a child and has not married the mother of this child. HE has responsibilities.
You cannot blame your granddaughter for how things go with her parents. If you want to set up a trust for her, do it. Leaving your son anything, see how it goes when you set boundries. But if you write him out of the Will, say why so he can't contest it.
I very much agree with not leaving money to people not mature enough (clearly he isn't ) to deal with it. You could A)leave it in trust with an appointed Successor Trustee (you are Trustee until you die or fail) to dole out a certain amount over his life, then be given to daughter. That amount depends on how much you are leaving in assets. You could direct your real property be sold, managed in trust by your fiduciary or attorney, and doled out enough to keep him alive, but not to let him blow it all.
OR you could leave it to the granddaughter when she comes of age. If that is 18 she will likely blow it fast, too, OR may go to college, and you can stipulate the uses and amounts yearly in HER trust as well.
I would not have a problem doing this. There is no reason your son should ever be told his, as well. You want to be certain not to appoint him as POA or anything else, or as successor trustee at all. Get a hired Fiduciary, attorney for yourself as POA and for your Trust.
I don't know how much you are leaving. But this would protect your son should he need support in future. It COULD also burden him. Say he were disabled? He could not easily get medicaid for himself and his insurance if he has an income via inheritance of say 30,000 a year or some such.
Not an easy question. Myself, I would make it a Trust and have it gathered into monetary investments and given to granddaughter at age 30. She would be mature then. Could pay off college loans if she had them. Meanwhile that money would grow quite a lot.
Just some things to think about.
It's your money. You could leave it to a cat shelter if you wanted to.
Peggy Sue makes a good point about "what if there are other children" who are issue of your son. Would you want to make it a division of assets to his children at some age? Again, much depends on the amounts you are talking about. If you are talking over a million I would just suggest you consult your Trust and Estate attorney for good options. They have done them all!
And another thing that might be going on is the perception, deserved or not, that you are meddling too much. Had I met so 15 years earlier, we might have had a kid. In which case mil would have dropped by every single day with her Martha Stewart hints. I would have had to move.
Sure you can change your will, but the immediate need here is to get them out.
For both your sakes.
Edit, I saw where you live. I’m sorry but that half a duplex is worth 3000 a year. You will need it if your cancer care requires aides. You definitely can’t be a full time babysitter. If he had a good job in sb he can go back to it. He and this gf can use birth control.